Dealing with adult kids

[mar09]

We have two major issues that have been stressing me out. We are a blended family of eight kids. We were strict parents but I don't think unfair. With both my husband and I working full time and all the kids in sports, we had to have rules and be organized in order to make it through the teen years. We all went to church every weekend. they never complained, they knew that's just how it was. We were very involved in our kids' lives. They are all successful adults. Their spouses are from small families. That may have something to do with it. They now think we were too strict. They want their kids to be kids and not have so many rules. One mom is a health food fanatic though.
I don't know how to turn off the routines I have been conditioned to have for the past 30 years. And I don't know that I should, they aren't bad. I still do the same things with my daycare kids and it works great. They are actually my rules and my husband has always backed me up. When the kids get upset with me, I get hurt. My husband gets upset with the kids for upsetting me and the kids get mad at him too. I feel like it's all my fault but I don't know what I should do about it. I wonder how Jesus would handle this. Families are supposed to love each other.

Hi grandmaS! Of course ur situation was very different from your kids', but as u continue to teach principles to the grandkids, I don't think u have to cater to what ur kids want while their children are w/ u. I have small grandkids, also w/ a niece (they are also grandkids), and while I am not a very vocal person, there are times when I believe I have to speak up also in the presence of the parents and show how they can improve w/o necessarily being hurtful. Definitely we're stricter than our children and my niece, for our child w/ kids is in fact lukewarm if I may say so. Don't think u have to please them, as long as u are imparting God's ways in the way u teach and train.

It's not all ur fault (wc I used to think too), and it may need a bit of balancing again (I say like those chemical equations) that never end in life. Love is both tender and tough, when it needs be. God bless u, grandmaS!

 

[Magenta]

PS~ Good manners NEVER go out of style

 

[Locoponydirtman]

I hate that for ya, grand parents should be able to be a little more free fun than the parents. You don't have much time with them.
I'm gonna have fun with mine when it's born, we are gonna ride horses, play in the mud, go to the beach, throw rocks at hornet nests, and watch cowboy movies with toy gun belts on. And every opportunity I will use it to show the wonder that God is his mercy his grace his love.

 

[Lanolin]

well when you are dealing with an entire herd its quite different from when you have one on one. when children get together in a large group, there needs to be some order otherwise can be chaos.

I wonder if you can have some one on one time with each grandchild?

 

[Naosam]

I am a grandmother of 15 , and another one on the way...

One thing I know for sure which I have learned since being born again is that my small grandchildren and teen grandchildren love the stability in my home because I have set the paths in my home as in how they should walk , I give God the thanks for that through His teaching...

Stick to what you are doing , your adult children may make a fuss , but inwardly you are also showing them how to raise their children...

Be strong in the LORD , fear God and not your children , your grandchildren will grow up around you knowing that they always have a safe place at grans home...
...xox...

It's hard

 

[Naosam]

These adult children think that they know it all!

 

[Naosam]

I need advice. We love to have our grandkids come and spend time with us. Our grandkids seem to love it too since they are always asking to spend the night. Our problem is our kids, parents of said grandkids, are very critical with our methods. It may be discipline, eating, bed times, whatever. It seems we are always doing something wrong. We are pretty average compared to others we know. We do things the same way we did when our kids were little. We want the grandkids to have fun but to also be healthy and safe. Is this a generational thing? It hurts that they get upset with us.

We have the same problem. Ignore << and do what you know is best!

 

[Lanolin]

I have battle with teachers at school same thing. I want to set boundaries and have rules in my library but some of the teachers dont and just want to let the kids to be noisy, go all over the place and drive each other nuts.

One thing I dont get is they then sabotage any chance the children have of developing their reading skills, by also stopping the keenest readers from borrowing books. Parents do this too by not taking them their children to the library and signing them up for any library cards. so the children just hang around unable to take any books home to read.


some teachers expect the librarians to be more like a babysitter, but then seem to get upset that the children are reading and earning rewards when they read. its weird. I think some just dont want their children to read at all and would rather they just played sports or watched tv.

 

[GHW1776]

Let me come at it from another perspective which some may view as wrong or whatever the case is but i am 33 and got two kids. I don't know the ages of your children but i will make the assumption they are around my age. if not then just disregard my post lol. But honestly some times my generation and i mean more times than not we need a big ol slap on the mouth. We run around as soon as we hit 18 and make the dumbest choices. in all honesty i have made plenty as i am a divorced single dad of an 8 and 6 year old.

For me, i tell my children my house my rules and when i am gone and grandma is watching you then you do what she says. If i hear about back talk, attitude, and so on then when i get home i remind them and punish accordingly whether that be taking things way or putting them on time out which they hate because they feel two, Now yes i spanked my kids and some might gasp but truthfully i don't care. We all parent differently and the out come is never the same.

Now what your kids need to do is shut their mouth and simply be thankful for the time you spend with their children while im sure they could be paying some stranger to watch them. But instead the kids get to spend time with family and no one cares for kids like family. So if they cause issues i would put my foot down. Remember no matter the age we no longer stop being parents and no we dont move into friendship with out kids.

At the way the kids are being raised its not good. Allowing kids to much freedom is horrible for them. No im sorry but they are not being raised in a christian home and i applude you for addressing it. Get your kids to church if you can so that way they run the household in a better way and put God first.

 

[GrandmaS]

Let me come at it from another perspective which some may view as wrong or whatever the case is but i am 33 and got two kids. I don't know the ages of your children but i will make the assumption they are around my age. if not then just disregard my post lol. But honestly some times my generation and i mean more times than not we need a big ol slap on the mouth. We run around as soon as we hit 18 and make the dumbest choices. in all honesty i have made plenty as i am a divorced single dad of an 8 and 6 year old.

For me, i tell my children my house my rules and when i am gone and grandma is watching you then you do what she says. If i hear about back talk, attitude, and so on then when i get home i remind them and punish accordingly whether that be taking things way or putting them on time out which they hate because they feel two, Now yes i spanked my kids and some might gasp but truthfully i don't care. We all parent differently and the out come is never the same.

Now what your kids need to do is shut their mouth and simply be thankful for the time you spend with their children while im sure they could be paying some stranger to watch them. But instead the kids get to spend time with family and no one cares for kids like family. So if they cause issues i would put my foot down. Remember no matter the age we no longer stop being parents and no we dont move into friendship with out kids.

At the way the kids are being raised its not good. Allowing kids to much freedom is horrible for them. No im sorry but they are not being raised in a christian home and i applude you for addressing it. Get your kids to church if you can so that way they run the household in a better way and put God first.

Thank you so much for your response. I am glad that not all of my children's age group have lost what in my opinion, are basic parenting values. I applaud You for raising your kids like this. I know there are some discrepancy's between generations. But some things should never change.

 

[JohnR7]

Well the adults aren't kids.

Yes but they still need to honor their parents. This is a commandment with a promise: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (which is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth.” (Eph6:1,2,3) If the devil can get people to break this commandment then he can bring an early death on people.

 

[OneOfHis]

Yes but they still need to honor their parents.

😐

You deleted much of my post and replied with out of context verses.



If a grown man has a drug addicted wicked spiteful mother who hates our Lord, he is not to allow her to raise his children in her own way, nor required to "obey" her.



Also to honor our mother and father does not mean to follow their wishes until death.


If a father chooses to never let his daughter leave the house or get married, she wouldn't be wrong for leaving the home when she was of age.


Some people take verses and manipulate them into some disgusting bondage far from God.


Not sure if thats what you are doing but I find it strange you deleted most of my post and replied with something like what you did.

 

[JohnR7]

😐

You deleted much of my post and replied with out of context verses.



If a grown man has a drug addicted wicked spiteful mother who hates our Lord, he is not to allow her to raise his children in her own way, nor required to "obey" her.



Also to honor our mother and father does not mean to follow their wishes until death.


If a father chooses to never let his daughter leave the house or get married, she wouldn't be wrong for leaving the home when she was of age.


Some people take verses and manipulate them into some disgusting bondage far from God.


Not sure if thats what you are doing but I find it strange you deleted most of my post and replied with something like what you did.

You find it strange that I quote the Bible? We are told: "In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." (1Thes5:18)

 

[OneOfHis]

You find it strange that I quote the Bible?

Nope. I find it strange you nit pick a fraction of a point then post a verse that doesn't apply to the post you quoted.

 

[blueluna5]

I need advice. We love to have our grandkids come and spend time with us. Our grandkids seem to love it too since they are always asking to spend the night. Our problem is our kids, parents of said grandkids, are very critical with our methods. It may be discipline, eating, bed times, whatever. It seems we are always doing something wrong. We are pretty average compared to others we know. We do things the same way we did when our kids were little. We want the grandkids to have fun but to also be healthy and safe. Is this a generational thing? It hurts that they get upset with us.

Maybe explain to your kids that a grandparents role is different than a parents.

I'm not sure what you're doing, but my parents are completely different with my kid. Also they don't want to be the bad guy, but I have no problem telling him no or putting him in time out if needed.

They only thing I don't like is that they give candy and sweets to him... sometimes before eating dinner. But I just asked for them to not do that anymore and accept they give some sweets. I typically give fruit for something sweet. Occasionally bake cookies.. None of that store bought garbage. My kid is super picky so that's why they give in to him before dinner to get him to eat essentially.

My parents are also completely different to how they raised me with the spanking method. Now they won't even do time out.

My dad once told me he'll never get to see my kid grow up and would be lucky to see him hit 20. I think that's why he spoils him so much and wants him to remember the good times.

I would just be honest with your kids and explain how it's different being a grandparent but still be respectful of their rules too.

 

[Whispered]

I need advice. We love to have our grandkids come and spend time with us. Our grandkids seem to love it too since they are always asking to spend the night. Our problem is our kids, parents of said grandkids, are very critical with our methods. It may be discipline, eating, bed times, whatever. It seems we are always doing something wrong. We are pretty average compared to others we know. We do things the same way we did when our kids were little. We want the grandkids to have fun but to also be healthy and safe. Is this a generational thing? It hurts that they get upset with us.

Why not tell your kids, the parents of your grandkids, what you've told us? Tell them that they shouldn't be surprised at your methods with the children since you raised them(the kids parents) the same way. And it can't be that bad, look how good they turned out.

I don't think it is a generational thing so much as it is a societal thing. Schools today are teaching kids that they run their own life, and if their parents misbehave, like discipline them, which some schools label as child abuse, any discipline mind you, or if the parent yells at the child, that's child abuse too, and as such the kids are advised to report this to a school counselor on the very next school day. And so that the state can make sure that child is in a "safe space" at home.
Kids use that as a weapon and a license to misbehave. And sadly, parents at PTA meetings are fed that garbage too and some are actually afraid they could lose their child(ren) if they go against what is advised as "good parenting", and resort to what is now labeled as "at risk parenting". (Which is actually letting kids know who's boss, and exercising discipline when they misbehave.)

And, your grown children always have an option to leave the children with someone else or keep them round the clock and calendar, if they don't appreciate where they came from, and how they were raised, that led them to believe they were fit to be parents now.
That's the thing adult parents seem to forget. They were raised by those they now criticize for the discipline that let that grown adult mature into who they are. Someone, hopefully, free of a criminal record, gainfully employed, and an asset to society.

Oh wow, yeah, can't you see how wrong your discipline then and now was/is?
You could be like a lot of parents today. Not give a care, let the kids rule the roost, misbehave in public, throw tantrums, physically assault their parents in public, verbally insult mom. And in the process make witnesses fear for the future when those brats grow up and into it.

 

[Lanolin]

it is a minefield to be honest.
I think with your situation because you have so many over at once and you want to keep them safe then thats the methods you use cos it works. Theres a huge difference between having one or two children and dealing with a group of 12 or more. In a confined space. If you could just explain that.

I tried explaining that to my deputy about library lunchtimes and she still didnt seem to get it. the teachers got up in arms that I wanted to have rostered lunctimes for groups of children to prevent squabbles and bullying. Or close the library doors and restrict the numbers. I said if you want me to let everyone in then you have to give me another teacher to monitor them cos I dont have eyes at the back of my head and to be the police everytime single time they have a disagreement.

anyway lets pray a solution presents itself or you adult children have ears to listen. I find myself saying stuff but some teachers seem to make up their mind and cant seem to put themselves in my shoes, however the deputy did have a talk with them that they are meant to actually TEACH their children how to behave in the library not just leave it for me to deal with or play babysitter.

 

[JohnR7]

Nope. I find it strange you nit pick a fraction of a point then post a verse that doesn't apply to the post you quoted.

I just quoted your first sentence. This is known as the rule of first mention. In the Bible the entire Bible is summed up in the first word: "Beginning". In the beginning the Son (Ben) of God was given as a grain offering to reconcile Heaven and Hell. The most important word in all of this is the word AND. This can unite or this can divide. This is why Jesus teaches us to pray: "Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven". We are to pray for the Kingdoms of this world to become the Kingdoms of God. Now more than ever as we enter into the Kingdom Age.

This is why the rule of first mention is so important and this is what I was dealing with. At least you summed up what you were saying from the beginning. If people fail to do this then we may not ever figure out what they are trying to say.

 

[OneOfHis]

I just quoted your first sentence. This is known as the rule of first mention.

At least you summed up what you were saying from the beginning. If people fail to do this then we may not ever figure out what they are trying to say.

Still not sure I understand your point.

Sorry if in my lack of understanding your motive I was rude or impatient.


No where in my post did I even once suggest to not honor our parents.

So the random unrelated verse to any point I made threw me off.

 

[inukubo]

Thank you all for your thoughts. The grandkids I am talking about are 12, 6, 5, 3 and 3, from two different families that live in our town. They always come to our house because I do daycare and have toys and all baby and child items that I would need here. The kids love to play with different toys than they have at home. I have rules in place to stay organized and safe for my daycare. We use those same rules for the grandkids. My adult kids think that we are too strict with their kids. The rules I go by are the same rules we had when our kids were little. Our adult kids get mad at us for insisting that the grandkids use their manners, and also for not letting them just play and have fun instead of being tyrants. They say we are the wrong ones and should lighten up. The grandkids don't mind. We have fun with them and they are always asking to come again. I have prayed and prayed about this. I don't want my kids mad at me but my rules work. My daycare parents love the rules. Do adult kids just have a need to disagree with their parents? Or as a grandparent am I not keeping up with the times?

It doesn't sound like you are insisting on anything unreasonable or overly strict. And when it comes down to it, it is your own house so your rules apply to everyone in it. You shouldn't let people come into your house and disrespect you or your property, even if it is your own family.