Dealing with adult kids

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GrandmaS

New member
#1
Feb 18, 2020
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#1
I need advice. We love to have our grandkids come and spend time with us. Our grandkids seem to love it too since they are always asking to spend the night. Our problem is our kids, parents of said grandkids, are very critical with our methods. It may be discipline, eating, bed times, whatever. It seems we are always doing something wrong. We are pretty average compared to others we know. We do things the same way we did when our kids were little. We want the grandkids to have fun but to also be healthy and safe. Is this a generational thing? It hurts that they get upset with us.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#2
Feb 21, 2014
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#2
Do you discipline them, or just let them run wild? Do you let them eat whatever they want? Do you let them stay up as long as they want?

YOUR kids are adults. THEIR kids are CHILDREN.. Each generation is different in how they (or their parents) raise their kids/ grandkids..
 
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GrandmaS

New member
#3
Feb 18, 2020
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#3
We are a bit strict on some things. More lenient on others. We had a grandchild fall off a bed, hit her chin on a night stand, and need stitches. We have a rule now that's no jumping on beds. They are allowed to at their house so our kids think we are too strict. We let them have sweets but not in the morning and only if they've eaten healthy at meals. One of our kids lets his kids eat whatever, whenever. The other one doesn't let their kids have sweets. We are kind of in the middle. We let them stay up to the end of the movie, but when it's time for bed, it's time for bed. They have to settle down and go to sleep. We want them to mind their manners, say please and thank you, use their silverware, share toys. We also want them to have fun, but be polite. I don't understand what we are doing wrong. If we are wrong, I would like to know.
 
OneOfHis

OneOfHis

Well-known member
#4
Mar 24, 2019
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#4
Well the adults aren't kids. I think your best bet is to be patient and honest but also not bend in a way that would make you feel as if you aren't taking as good of care of the children as you could.

If this means you will see them less, that is better the enabling them to eat too much candy or break rules you have set in place.

My grandma was strict and I love her a lot.

If the parents of those children decide that you can't watch them because they don't feel you do a good job, all you can do is try to be honest and help them see your perspective or accept their choice and hope they see that you just want whats best and bed times or lack of candy shouldn't divide a family.


I had something similar to this in my family, but the "grandma" in this situation was absolutely dishonest and dangerous and on drugs, who then called cps to get back at her child for protecting his child.🤦‍♂️


I think if your child is Christian you should be able to find somewhere to start building a bridge.... if both of you just want whats best for the kids and the family as a whole....
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#5
Feb 21, 2014
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#5
How old are the grandkids? Knowing their ages might help us give better advice.. :)

To me, it sounds like your rules are just fine. I don't see anything overly strict. It's common sense not to jump on beds--not only could someone get hurt, but the bed and other stuff can get broken. Sounds like YOUR kids need to be stricter with their kids. Staying up all night and eating "whatever whenever" isn't good for the kids.
 
Aerials1978

Aerials1978

Well-known member
#6
Dec 10, 2019
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#6
Differing methodology with regards to children. I would say show that you respect the parents wishes, but the parents also need to understand that if the children are in your home, they need to somewhat adhere your standards and rules. Pray first and then have an open dialogue to see what can be compromised.
 
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GrandmaS

New member
#7
Feb 18, 2020
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#7
Thank you all for your thoughts. The grandkids I am talking about are 12, 6, 5, 3 and 3, from two different families that live in our town. They always come to our house because I do daycare and have toys and all baby and child items that I would need here. The kids love to play with different toys than they have at home. I have rules in place to stay organized and safe for my daycare. We use those same rules for the grandkids. My adult kids think that we are too strict with their kids. The rules I go by are the same rules we had when our kids were little. Our adult kids get mad at us for insisting that the grandkids use their manners, and also for not letting them just play and have fun instead of being tyrants. They say we are the wrong ones and should lighten up. The grandkids don't mind. We have fun with them and they are always asking to come again. I have prayed and prayed about this. I don't want my kids mad at me but my rules work. My daycare parents love the rules. Do adult kids just have a need to disagree with their parents? Or as a grandparent am I not keeping up with the times?
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#8
Dec 15, 2018
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#8
hmm hard one

Maybe in your conversation with your adult 'kids' you emphasise you have these rules for safety.
I think every parents wants their children to be safe and if they know 'rules' or boundaries/instructions whatever you want to call them, nobody is getting hurt. Children abosulutely need to know they can be safe and have fun while being safe and looked after.

you can always say its all fun and games till someone gets hurt, and they might remember incidents in their own childhood where they had to go to hospital or something cos they did something that wasnt safe cos nobody was looking out for them and let them do anything they wanted.
 
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GrandmaS

New member
#9
Feb 18, 2020
10
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#9
Thank you, I really like this site. I'm new here. It helps to run things by a third party. I always try to do the right thing, but if I'm wrong I want to know that too.
 
Aerials1978

Aerials1978

Well-known member
#10
Dec 10, 2019
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#10
GrandmaS said:
Thank you all for your thoughts. The grandkids I am talking about are 12, 6, 5, 3 and 3, from two different families that live in our town. They always come to our house because I do daycare and have toys and all baby and child items that I would need here. The kids love to play with different toys than they have at home. I have rules in place to stay organized and safe for my daycare. We use those same rules for the grandkids. My adult kids think that we are too strict with their kids. The rules I go by are the same rules we had when our kids were little. Our adult kids get mad at us for insisting that the grandkids use their manners, and also for not letting them just play and have fun instead of being tyrants. They say we are the wrong ones and should lighten up. The grandkids don't mind. We have fun with them and they are always asking to come again. I have prayed and prayed about this. I don't want my kids mad at me but my rules work. My daycare parents love the rules. Do adult kids just have a need to disagree with their parents? Or as a grandparent am I not keeping up with the times?
Click to expand...
I don’t think the times have changed all that much in this sense. Their view of how the children should be governed differs for yours. If it’s drastic differences, I could see how this can cause strife. I would say that if they wish you have you be in care of the children, they must be willing to give up some of their notions. They cannot be absolute about it. On the other hand you can certainly conceded some of you own rules without giving up your standards. Are the Parents Christian?
 
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GrandmaS

New member
#11
Feb 18, 2020
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#11
Yes, they are Christian, but they don't go to church. Their kids have been Baptized and introduced to to God's teaching but not enforced a lot. I try to work on that too.
 
Aerials1978

Aerials1978

Well-known member
#12
Dec 10, 2019
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#12
GrandmaS said:
Yes, they are Christian, but they don't go to church. Their kids have been Baptized and introduced to to God's teaching but not enforced a lot. I try to work on that too.
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That’s wonderful that you are instilling that into the kids. What are some the BIG differences that you and the parents disagree on? Is it simple rules or matters of faith?
 
1christian1

1christian1

Banned
#13
Sep 13, 2018
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#13
GrandmaS said:
I need advice. We love to have our grandkids come and spend time with us. Our grandkids seem to love it too since they are always asking to spend the night. Our problem is our kids, parents of said grandkids, are very critical with our methods. It may be discipline, eating, bed times, whatever. It seems we are always doing something wrong. We are pretty average compared to others we know. We do things the same way we did when our kids were little. We want the grandkids to have fun but to also be healthy and safe. Is this a generational thing? It hurts that they get upset with us.
Click to expand...
They are still Your children. If they don't approve. Stop babysitting. I'm sure they use you that way. Your house is still your rules!...
 
Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#14
Feb 9, 2019
8,432
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#14
"Respect seems to have disappeared from this 'age' we are living in, and it
appears no one is immune."
~My thoughts~:unsure:
 
Rosemaryx

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
#15
May 3, 2017
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#15
I am a grandmother of 15 , and another one on the way...

One thing I know for sure which I have learned since being born again is that my small grandchildren and teen grandchildren love the stability in my home because I have set the paths in my home as in how they should walk , I give God the thanks for that through His teaching...

Stick to what you are doing , your adult children may make a fuss , but inwardly you are also showing them how to raise their children...

Be strong in the LORD , fear God and not your children , your grandchildren will grow up around you knowing that they always have a safe place at grans home...
...xox...
 
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GrandmaS

New member
#16
Feb 18, 2020
10
2
3
#16
Aerials1978 said:
That’s wonderful that you are instilling that into the kids. What are some the BIG differences that you and the parents disagree on? Is it simple rules or matters of faith?
Click to expand...
We have two major issues that have been stressing me out. We are a blended family of eight kids. We were strict parents but I don't think unfair. With both my husband and I working full time and all the kids in sports, we had to have rules and be organized in order to make it through the teen years. We all went to church every weekend. they never complained, they knew that's just how it was. We were very involved in our kids' lives. They are all successful adults. Their spouses are from small families. That may have something to do with it. They now think we were too strict. They want their kids to be kids and not have so many rules. One mom is a health food fanatic though.
I don't know how to turn off the routines I have been conditioned to have for the past 30 years. And I don't know that I should, they aren't bad. I still do the same things with my daycare kids and it works great. They are actually my rules and my husband has always backed me up. When the kids get upset with me, I get hurt. My husband gets upset with the kids for upsetting me and the kids get mad at him too. I feel like it's all my fault but I don't know what I should do about it. I wonder how Jesus would handle this. Families are supposed to love each other.
 
G

GrandmaS

New member
#17
Feb 18, 2020
10
2
3
#17
Rosemaryx said:
I am a grandmother of 15 , and another one on the way...

One thing I know for sure which I have learned since being born again is that my small grandchildren and teen grandchildren love the stability in my home because I have set the paths in my home as in how they should walk , I give God the thanks for that through His teaching...

Stick to what you are doing , your adult children may make a fuss , but inwardly you are also showing them how to raise their children...

Be strong in the LORD , fear God and not your children , your grandchildren will grow up around you knowing that they always have a safe place at grans home...
...xox...
Click to expand...
Thank you for this. It is something I should know, but need a reminder every now and then.
 
Aerials1978

Aerials1978

Well-known member
#18
Dec 10, 2019
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#18
GrandmaS said:
We have two major issues that have been stressing me out. We are a blended family of eight kids. We were strict parents but I don't think unfair. With both my husband and I working full time and all the kids in sports, we had to have rules and be organized in order to make it through the teen years. We all went to church every weekend. they never complained, they knew that's just how it was. We were very involved in our kids' lives. They are all successful adults. Their spouses are from small families. That may have something to do with it. They now think we were too strict. They want their kids to be kids and not have so many rules. One mom is a health food fanatic though.
I don't know how to turn off the routines I have been conditioned to have for the past 30 years. And I don't know that I should, they aren't bad. I still do the same things with my daycare kids and it works great. They are actually my rules and my husband has always backed me up. When the kids get upset with me, I get hurt. My husband gets upset with the kids for upsetting me and the kids get mad at him too. I feel like it's all my fault but I don't know what I should do about it. I wonder how Jesus would handle this. Families are supposed to love each other.
Click to expand...
Family can be very challenging. Kind of sounds like the parents are idealistic instead of using wisdom and rationality. Unfortunately that’s a hard nut to crack. Only the Lord can change a persons heart, we can only simply show them way.

You should tell them that you love having your grandchildren, but that should not be at the expense of havoc in your household. If they are unwilling to at least consider that maybe a bit of a break is required. It’s painful I know, but maybe they will see that you do this out of love and not obligation. Prayer is your best asset. Ask the Lord for guidance and I guarantee a way will be provided.
 
G

GrandmaS

New member
#19
Feb 18, 2020
10
2
3
#19
GrandmaS said:
We have two major issues that have been stressing me out. We are a blended family of eight kids. We were strict parents but I don't think unfair. With both my husband and I working full time and all the kids in sports, we had to have rules and be organized in order to make it through the teen years. We all went to church every weekend. they never complained, they knew that's just how it was. We were very involved in our kids' lives. They are all successful adults. Their spouses are from small families. That may have something to do with it. They now think we were too strict. They want their kids to be kids and not have so many rules. One mom is a health food fanatic though.
I don't know how to turn off the routines I have been conditioned to have for the past 30 years. And I don't know that I should, they aren't bad. I still do the same things with my daycare kids and it works great. They are actually my rules and my husband has always backed me up. When the kids get upset with me, I get hurt. My husband gets upset with the kids for upsetting me and the kids get mad at him too. I feel like it's all my fault but I don't know what I should do about it. I wonder how Jesus would handle this. Families are supposed to love each other.
Click to expand...
Aerials1978 said:
Family can be very challenging. Kind of sounds like the parents are idealistic instead of using wisdom and rationality. Unfortunately that’s a hard nut to crack. Only the Lord can change a persons heart, we can only simply show them way.

You should tell them that you love having your grandchildren, but that should not be at the expense of havoc in your household. If they are unwilling to at least consider that maybe a bit of a break is required. It’s painful I know, but maybe they will see that you do this out of love and not obligation. Prayer is your best asset. Ask the Lord for guidance and I guarantee a way will be provided.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much. You have been very helpful.
 
laughingheart

laughingheart

Senior Member
#20
Sep 21, 2016
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#20
Your house your rules. It would be different if you were allowing them things that are harmful but setting guidelines for good behaviour is fine. Your children need to be respectful of that. If you were abrasive and demeaning with the grandchildren then I could see their parents being upset. If you are, in a warm and loving way, setting boundaries then your grandchildren will benefit from that. Be confident that you are doing the right thing and don't second guess yourself. Bring it to the Lord and ask him to speak into the hearts of your children.
 
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