Dear Husband

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AquaLady331

Guest
#21
#21
Yes. We marry the narcissistic or deep and mysterious ones to avoid being in the spotlight! Always afraid our flaws will stick right out.
The sad part of that is we forget if God can see them and they don't matter, who cares what the rest see. Everybody has flaws.
 
Dan_473

Dan_473

Senior Member
#22
Mar 11, 2014
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#22
ThePottersClay said:
Once I realized our marriage was in serious trouble, because of things I've done, because of things he has done, (takes two to tango) I decided on councelling. He decided against it, but I pursued. As councelling went on, I started to realize things about myself things that became a part of me directly related to the abuse and rape I sufferred in my childhood. It's called Co-dependency. Co-dependents are inclined to match up with Narcissistic spouses, which is where I now find myself.

Yes I have faults, and my list is endless, just to name a few. I leave the cupboard doors open, I leave the taps running, I am disorganized (beautifully chaotic) but in my chaos I thrive. I start to clean the kitchen, spots a shirt on the floor, leave the kitchen and then go to the room to pack the shirt away, get there, see the beds are not made, I start to make the beds, find a cup, run back to the kitchen, take up where I left off, midway through dishes, I realize I was still making the bed, run back to the room, start to make the beds. You get my drift.

In the beginning when we first met, I hated going to bed angry, or with unresolved issues. But instead, he shut me out. Eventually I adopted his attitude, by shutting my own heart and mind to his needs and his demands. I started doing exactly what he did to me, in the end, I have done more damage to myself than to him.

I shut down my emotions, I closed off my heart. And because I did that, he felt unloved and uncared for. I threw all my effort and devotion into the kids, and left him on the side. Because of this, he had a string of affairs, blaming it on my inability to show emotion, love and care. And so the years rolled by... with me having to deal with the fact that I cause him to have affairs, I caused him to feel unloved. It just doesn't stop.

So yes, I have mistakes, plenty. Any man who thinks he can stand next to me and live a happy life is sadly mistaken because apparently I'm just THAT broken.
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wow! I think you have a lot of great insights there.

some things you may want to follow-up on in counseling, or here, or wherever you're comfortable.

if you say that no man could be happy coupled with you, I disagree. have you talked with your counselor about negative thought patterns? one clue is words like always/never, no one/everyone.

I believe there are men who could be happily married to you. your husband? yes... because a person's emotional state is their choice.

similarily, "I cause him to have affairs, I caused him to feel unloved". it's good to take responsibility for your role in the marraige. at the same time, you didn't cause him to have affairs, or to feel loved or unloved.

you could certainly say, "I wasn't the spouse I'd planned to be". but I think your husband's actions and emotions are his job.

lastly, how about instead of saying "I'm broken", saying "I'm healing". And, "I'm becoming the spouse God wants me to be.

Peace and great blessings upon you!
 
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