I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety this last two weeks. I have suffered from general anxiety, depression and PTSD for my entire life. In the past I have always been able to function. I went to work, I cleaned my house, I took care of my children, I went to school and I attended all my childrens activities. It was hard, but through sheer strength of will I was able to do all those things.
Until this time....
Maybe God was giving me warnings all along, trying to tell me in little explosions of anxiety and depression to get my spiritual house in order and forget about my physical house. Maybe I should have listened.
But I didnt...
I have finally come to the point where I realize that God is going to get me back to him one way or another. Pickles said God cares more about my character then my comfort and she was right. Greatkaw has been an immense support of understanding and listening and even getting impatient a little with my wallowing. But I have received help here, and support, and Gods word, and most of all PRAYER.
Now the difficult part....
I am starting to feel better, I have some new medications, the old medications are flushed out of my system. I am not 100% and maybe I never will be. But be assured that God did answer all those prayers. All of your sincere and thoughtful prayers. And even my whining, pathetic, self-pitying prayers where I had to tell God to look into my heart because no words would come to sufficiently explain my agony. So now I am (with God's help) on the road to recovery. But here is where it always gets hard. This is when I turn into pseudochristian. I mean the crisis is over right? Things are looking up. But I am scared that I am going to lose the relationship with God that I have forged in this time of great trouble. I know that it seems ridiculous to say, but I am scared that without the fear and depression at its absolute worst, I will go back to being a surface Christian who attends church sometimes, listens to Christian music sometimes, dusts her Bible out of respect but never reads it, and tries hard not to commit any "overt" sins.
I need prayer now more then before....
I dont know why I am saying this. But the thought of losing the grace of God that I have found in my life is worse then being anxious and depressed. Its worse then death, its worse then anything.
Debbie