He won't clean, but gets mad when I do

ember · Jul 13, 2015

A few thoughts...
Don't compromise with this evil. It will get you to move and then start demanding further compromise.
Is your husband a Christian? If so, he needs a well-placed confrontation. I'd suggest "Crucial Confrontations" by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler as a second thing to do. The first is prayer.
Are you able to do just enough to care for yourself, effectively going on strike? Not always the best option because it may be seen as retaliatory.
Do you have enough emotional strength to simply deflect his anger, as in "It's unfortunate that what you're looking for isn't where you think it should be. However, that is not my problem." And refuse to make it your problem.

Not an easy situation, for sure. There is a danger that unless you continue to be his maid, he may take his anger out on you physically. If he EVER does, even a little bit, leave the FIRST time. And refuse to return until he gets counseling, confesses his wrongdoing, and proves that there has been change. I'm not advocating giving up, but look at it like this: if it were a serious medical problem, would you try to fix it yourself or would you send/take him to the doctor? Well, this is a problem, it's at least emotional/spiritual, and could possibly have a medical component to it. So take him to the Physician.

I used to have significant anger issues, until I faced them and dealt with them with the help of a Christian counselor. Not perfect yet, but there has been major progress. Change is possible, with the right help.

Blessings,
Dino

Hi Dino

just one thing

A confrontation is not a good thing to do with a manipulative person of any sort

Since the husband is exhibiting passive aggressive behavior, it is doubtful any progress would be made

I think counselling, with a professional who can see these issues and understands them, is prob the best way to go

I agree with most of your post otherwise

Hellooo · Jul 13, 2015

MarcR said:

I'm not really qualified to provide any kind of marriage advice, but to me this seems like a dangerous precedent to set, especially so early. Differences in cleanliness isn't the worst thing in the world, the passive aggressive behavior, while irritating, isn't insurmountable either.

blondieindahouse · Jul 13, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

So I've been married to my husband for almost a year. Dated a year before that and we have a problem. He doesn't clean, at all. His clothes lay where he decided to take them off and dishes are washed only if he decided he needs them to cook. If I don't wash them they stay in the sink for weeks at a time.

I knew he was a messy person before we got married and I've learned to clean up after him but our apartment is very small so things are stacked and in boxes and put away.

He gets soooo upset when he can't find something he's looking for that he knows we have. And I clean and put away so much I honestly have no idea where it may be. I don't throw anything away because I know how he gets but I feel so upset when he dares to get mad at me for cleaning up his mess. He knows I'm going to clean it and he doesn't even attempt to put stuff away so I don't se how he feels like he has the right to get mad at me for putting things away.
/QUOTE]

The clutter and mess and not being able to find things packed away is not the REAL problem. There is an underlying problem . You two are still newlyweds . Id suggest some counseling with either a singlular christian counselor or a group with older christian couples . Everyone needs a helping hand here and there! Go get it before this turns into a monster problem. Within a marriage; things have to be agreed on. Your marriage is made up upon alot of various agreements within the relationship. Terms need to be defined. Focus on what needs to be done for a smooth running home and how you feel . Try not to play the blame game. It will get you nowhere fast!

Dishes? Sit down and make a schedule who does what when. Are you two pursuing Christ and making him the focus in your relationship? Hold hands and pray before you talk about things. Its difficult to argue when you are holding hands Be patient with each other. Rome wasnt built in a day

In the mean time: Id encourage you to shop around for dressers,shelves, something to separate and organize the stuff. You can find things that may not be very pretty for 5 or 10 bucks. Craigslist has lots of free things! Fix it up! Paint it or decoupage or whatever. Clutter causes confusion . Our minds are freed and our spirits are at rest when we have a well organized home. Clutter is irritating but shuffeling through boxes is equally irritating.

If you are limited with space, which I suspect that you are; go up! Find things to organize that are tall . I bought an armoire for 20 bucks and 7 or 8 shelves can be put it it. Watch youtube videos and learn how to be an expert organizer on a dime. Learn how to make a small space super efficient.

Y'all will get through this honey! Stack cinder blocks and wood shelves clear up to the ceiling if you have to! At least everything will have its place . Put things in bins and label them. Have your honey do the labeling so he knows where things are! The bins can be small boxes that you paint. String a pretty shower curtain or sheet across the front. Then when you start to buy better furniture, you havent invested much money in these things. Or they can go in the garage for storage when you get a home one day. Just my two cents for the day... You can write me if you need more ideas.

May The Lord bless your new budding marriage! Stay in all things God! That is the key.

Gods grace abide in you two

atwhatcost · Jul 13, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

I can't help but think I'd just tell him, "Learn how to deal with it, because I'm not stopping who I am for you. You married me because you liked who I am. If you don't like me doing it, you're free to do it yourself." And then I'd clean. (And, if he yelled at me, I'm not sure if I'd roll my eyes or laugh.)

presidente · Jul 13, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

Is he a believer? You can show him the verse that says for husbands not to be harsh with their wives and the verse that warns about husbands prayers not being hindered. If you have a division of labor in the home where you clean and put stuff away, I don't see problem with that, but he has to work on those anger issues. You could also go over with him where you put stuff away when you do it so he will know where to find stuff. The underwear should go in one place, the socks in another, etc., so everyone can find them every time.

I've had messes I didn't want my wife to mess with. In grad school, I'd come home in the wee hours of the morning, and I'd get the mail and the bills. When the drawer I had for mail filled up, I put it on he dresser until I had time to clean it up and file stuff, which could be quite a while. A decorative cloth over a mess can help ease her eyes.

Aqua_Girl09 · Jul 14, 2015

Thanks for all the advice!
I wish he would help but I've already decided that once i have a job that makes enough we're hiring a maid because he doesn't clean. And we both work jobs. Same hours same pay. He cooks but I do all the cleaning as well as going to school.

I don't mind the cleaning up after him as much as I mind the getting angry at me for cleaning it. I feel like he should be grateful that I'm picking up his mess. And I saw his apartment before we got together, it was absolutely terrible. Roaches included. One climbed on me. . . That was it. >_<

I think counseling would be a much better idea it he doesn't want to pay for one so I was hoping to find a way to try and figure it out without paying for it. But it looks like that's my best option.

And I've already packed upwards. We have a wall of boxes in our small living room, he calls it my wall of Tetris. All I can think is we have to get rid of stuff but he won't get rid of ANYTHING. And I can only get rid of so much. . . . We're moving soon to a slightly bigger apartment so hopefully the new space will change things.

Also he's not a believer so trying to convince him biblically won't work. We have other problems but this is the one that we can't seem to come to any compromise.

ember · Jul 14, 2015

so he has a hoarding problem too?

oh gee....I am sorry to tell you this, but a maid and a bigger apt will not solve things

well, you'll see how it goes and not to be a wet blanket, one day this thread may come to mind and you will wonder how things got so complicated

it will be cause you didn't deal and didn't actually face the problem...avoidance is not a real strategy

atwhatcost · Jul 14, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

Two problems I see is you couldn't take his apartment, but you took him? His apartment said all you had to know about him. Hubby and I are both slobs. We're just different kinds of slobs. We both negotiated the cans and won'ts before we got married and settled on a simple rule that works for us: "Whoever is bothered the most about something is the one who deals with that something." It works for us. (He spent all yesterday cleaning the frig -- inside and out. I spent the day pulling apart a falling-apart grill in our back yard. Today we have a clean frig and a huge pile of trash ready to go to the curb at 7 PM. I never noticed the frig was dirty. He never wanted to deal with the grill. So... lol)

And then you married him as a nonbeliever? Well, this is the guy you married. This isn't on him. He knew you knew who he was. So, the only change is he's yelling at you for trying to change him. Seriously? He had roaches! What were you expecting?

I've always admired any woman who kept dating my brother after seeing his house. One relationship only lasted one date, because she rushed into his house so fast to use his bathroom that he didn't have time to warn her about the alligator in the bathroom. (I'm totally serious here. The rest of the date night was spent at the ER while she got her ankle treated for a gator bite.) Some women saw that veil of cobwebs over his dining room light and the five inches of insect carcasses under the toad aquarium. (He opened the window above the aquarium at night and turned on a light, so the insect would be drawn to it to feed his toads. Not all the insects landed in the aquarium after hitting the heat of the lamp, but he wasn't one for cleaning either.) They kept dating him. (Hey, other than being a slob and a bit bizarre on pets, he's a great guy. He's genuinely a nice guy who'd do anything for you.) But it's not like he ever hid who he was. Heck, he even shot one of his chickens out of a tree near his house (from inside his doorway), gutted it and plucked it himself to make a fresh chicken dinner for one of his dates.

Seriously, guys let you know who they are to make sure you know what you're getting. Why would you think you're getting someone else when he showed you who he was?

Many seem to be thinking your hubby is to blame here. I'm sorry, but I disagree. He had roaches! He wasn't a Christian! Exactly what did you think would change about either of those things?

I'd be yelling at my hubby too, if he suddenly thought I should become something I never hinted I was before we were married. We did do some negotiating before we were married. ("If I marry you, I expect...") His two demands were that I clean the cat litter box more often and that I get rid of the long-haired cat. (Cat litter was doable. Took me a while to think over the cat issue, but he is allergic to cats, so that he let me keep, and then adopted, my baby -- my favorite cat -- made the terms acceptable.) My demands were the toilet seat stayed down and he had to pick just one spot for his dirty laundry, if he wasn't going to put it in the hamper. (He keeps changing that spot to this day, but it is only one spot.) We loved each other. Still do. So we married the one we loved, not the one we could fix.

This sounds very much like you married the one you could fix. Get over that. You married the one you love! Learn to deal, because he already showed you who he was. This isn't on him, so counseling isn't needed.

tourist · Jul 14, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

So I've been married to my husband for almost a year. Dated a year before that and we have a problem. He doesn't clean, at all. His clothes lay where he decided to take them off and dishes are washed only if he decided he needs them to cook. If I don't wash them they stay in the sink for weeks at a time.

I knew he was a messy person before we got married and I've learned to clean up after him but our apartment is very small so things are stacked and in boxes and put away.

He gets soooo upset when he can't find something he's looking for that he knows we have. And I clean and put away so much I honestly have no idea where it may be. I don't throw anything away because I know how he gets but I feel so upset when he dares to get mad at me for cleaning up his mess. He knows I'm going to clean it and he doesn't even attempt to put stuff away so I don't se how he feels like he has the right to get mad at me for putting things away.

Idk what to do but this argument comes u almost every week. He has some anger issues so once he's mad he won't speak with me for hours. What should I do to come to a compromise?

You should put him out by the curb.

blue_ladybug · Jul 14, 2015

I agree with tourist.. Move out for a few days and leave him to his own slobbery ways..

blondieindahouse · Jul 14, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

Thanks for all the advice!
I wish he would help but I've already decided that once i have a job that makes enough we're hiring a maid because he doesn't clean. And we both work jobs. Same hours same pay. He cooks but I do all the cleaning as well as going to school.

I don't mind the cleaning up after him as much as I mind the getting angry at me for cleaning it. I feel like he should be grateful that I'm picking up his mess. And I saw his apartment before we got together, it was absolutely terrible. Roaches included. One climbed on me. . . That was it. >_<

I think counseling would be a much better idea it he doesn't want to pay for one so I was hoping to find a way to try and figure it out without paying for it. But it looks like that's my best option.

And I've already packed upwards. We have a wall of boxes in our small living room, he calls it my wall of Tetris. All I can think is we have to get rid of stuff but he won't get rid of ANYTHING. And I can only get rid of so much. . . . We're moving soon to a slightly bigger apartment so hopefully the new space will change things.

Also he's not a believer so trying to convince him biblically won't work. We have other problems but this is the one that we can't seem to come to any compromise.

A maid is a luxury but a counselor is a necessity.

Did you come to Christ within the marriage? What does that look like?

Practice-English · Jul 26, 2015

That's one of the reason,

I'm thinking before having a husband...

Being single is so simple!

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He won't clean, but gets mad when I do

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