how do I react?

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chatter57

New member
Apr 6, 2020
7
3
3
#1
Hi

I have a half sister. We have had a troubled relationship in the past. We did not grow up together because we lived in different countries and she is 16 years older than me She is a christian. She now lives in the same country as me and I made contact. We met up a few times but she said she could not offer me very much except a coffee and sandwich every now and again in a cafe somewhere. I was quite disappointed because I wanted more from her than that and I wanted to be able to give her more of myself. I decided it was not working and we went our separate ways and have not had contact for about 18 months. I know she is not in the best of health and now that everyone is trying to cope with Covid 19 I wondered how she was doing. I am not sure if it is wise to contact her again. Would there be any point in doing so considering she said she cannot offer me much at all. I was hoping that she would want to have me round to her home and we would do all sorts of things together but she clearly either cannot do that. I am wondering whether it is best to just leave it and concentrate on people who can offer me a lot more. I have tried this with someone else and I was putting in all the effort and getting little back in return so I let that person go out of my life.

Do we as christians have to keep trying with people even if it leads to nothing?
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,468
2,041
113
#2
@chatter57
If your aim with people is getting and not giving, then there's a problem on your end, not hers. And that may be the reason she distances herself from you. You sound like you idealized things and seem to be a bit needy. She may not have a lot to offer someone expecting as much as you are.
Case in point, she expressed a lack of desire to spend time with you, yet here you are asking if you should push your way into her life regardless.
No. Stop being needy and leave her alone.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,636
9,303
113
#3
She has told you flat out, that she doesn't have much to offer you. I'd take that as her way of telling you she doesn't want a relationship with you. Leave her alone and move on..
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
35,705
13,145
113
#4
Hello Chatter57 :) I don't see anything wrong with calling to make sure she is okay and has all she needs at this time while she is isolating and in poor health... as long as you keep your expectations in check. Given how she has treated you in the past, her attitude may still be quite cool towards you. I hope you are able to come to terms with this, and forgive her uncharitable treatment of you.
 

Billyd

Senior Member
May 8, 2014
3,954
735
113
#5
Based solely on my wife's experience in a situation almost exactly as yours, I suggest that you back off. Remember, you grew up with the missing half of her childhood. There is a tremendous amount of hurt that your half sister has worked through over the years. She probably doesn't want to relive those hurts. Pray for her. Let her make the next move. Don't put any pressure on her, and be prepared for her to want to keep things just as they are now.
 

wolfwint

Senior Member
Feb 15, 2014
2,895
670
113
#6
Hi

I have a half sister. We have had a troubled relationship in the past. We did not grow up together because we lived in different countries and she is 16 years older than me She is a christian. She now lives in the same country as me and I made contact. We met up a few times but she said she could not offer me very much except a coffee and sandwich every now and again in a cafe somewhere. I was quite disappointed because I wanted more from her than that and I wanted to be able to give her more of myself. I decided it was not working and we went our separate ways and have not had contact for about 18 months. I know she is not in the best of health and now that everyone is trying to cope with Covid 19 I wondered how she was doing. I am not sure if it is wise to contact her again. Would there be any point in doing so considering she said she cannot offer me much at all. I was hoping that she would want to have me round to her home and we would do all sorts of things together but she clearly either cannot do that. I am wondering whether it is best to just leave it and concentrate on people who can offer me a lot more. I have tried this with someone else and I was putting in all the effort and getting little back in return so I let that person go out of my life.

Do we as christians have to keep trying with people even if it leads to nothing?
Well, from what you are know its leads to nothing? You may be halfsisters, but you are strange to each other. Its needs time for build up an relationship. And you dont know which expieriences she had in the past. Even the fact that she grew up in another country, maby against her will. This means also she lost one side of her parents, and maby she sees in you one reason for that? And dont ask what others can offer to you. Thats a bad way to build relationships.
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
6,457
2,930
113
#7
Hi

I have a half sister. We have had a troubled relationship in the past. We did not grow up together because we lived in different countries and she is 16 years older than me She is a christian. She now lives in the same country as me and I made contact. We met up a few times but she said she could not offer me very much except a coffee and sandwich every now and again in a cafe somewhere. I was quite disappointed because I wanted more from her than that and I wanted to be able to give her more of myself. I decided it was not working and we went our separate ways and have not had contact for about 18 months. I know she is not in the best of health and now that everyone is trying to cope with Covid 19 I wondered how she was doing. I am not sure if it is wise to contact her again. Would there be any point in doing so considering she said she cannot offer me much at all. I was hoping that she would want to have me round to her home and we would do all sorts of things together but she clearly either cannot do that. I am wondering whether it is best to just leave it and concentrate on people who can offer me a lot more. I have tried this with someone else and I was putting in all the effort and getting little back in return so I let that person go out of my life.

Do we as christians have to keep trying with people even if it leads to nothing?
Sending her a message out of concern for her health would be a good thing to do.. Even though she may not want a close relationship with you just letting her know that you are thinking about her and are concerned about her may plant a seed in her mind.. Then again it may not.. But still it would be a good idea to show some caring for her..
 
7

7seasrekeyed

Guest
#8
I see no harm in sending her a card or reaching out in some way. I have a half brother and we were pretty friendly for awhile...over the phone...we grew up not that far from each other, but when we finally made contact, we were a few provinces apart (Canadian)

he was going to come and visit and so on, but it never panned out and have not heard from him in some years now

I understand you to mean that you were looking for relationship with her and not what you could get out of her...maybe I am wrong, but that is what I thought you meant

I get that. I totally get that.

I do not think Christians are obligated to keep trying no matter what. sometimes all you are going to get is a boatload of emotional pain

you are not responsible for how others act

pray about it and ask God to soften her heart if possible and reach out again

then leave it in God's hands. IMO, it is reasonable to want to at least try again

I will add that I do not think you should base what you want or feel to do, on someone else's experience. you are an individual and you can make up your own mind. you can see from the varied responses here, that people have different thoughts on what you should do so weigh the comments and go forward trusting God will work things out for you...even if the response is negative, perhaps you will have peace about it all
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,401
3,739
113
#9
from reading this I think it wouldnt be wise to expect her to invite you to her home when you arent even offering to host her at yours.

Besides not many people can do it these days with virus going around!
 

chatter57

New member
Apr 6, 2020
7
3
3
#10
she has never wanted to come to my home. She has health problems She hardly goes anywhere except to the local store
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,401
3,739
113
#11
maybe just send a card or some flowers or baking or something. Leave it at her door/letterbox.
dont expect anything in return. Just be a blessing. God will see and pay you back.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
34,102
11,786
113
66
Tennessee
#12
from reading this I think it wouldnt be wise to expect her to invite you to her home when you arent even offering to host her at yours.

Besides not many people can do it these days with virus going around!
I believe that's what's called social distancing.
 
K

Kim82

Guest
#13
In times past when you met your sister in the cafe, is she the one who usually pays for the meal?

What would you like your sister to offer you? Please explain? I got the impression that you were implying other things and not just a sisterly relationship.
 

chatter57

New member
Apr 6, 2020
7
3
3
#14
we each pay for our own. She grew up in a different country to me and I said I would like to see her country. That was where our dad lived. She frequently used to go back to her home country and I wanted her to say ok if you want to see my country you can come back with me when I go and I will show you around but all she said was ok yes if you want to visit my country then book a holiday. I was very disappointed because if it was the other way around then I would have said to her ok come with me and I will show you around.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
3,982
1,007
113
Philippines Age 40
#15
Just accept what she has to offer. Expecting something more will only frustrate you. Forcing someone to reach your expectations will only drive them further away.

It happened to me, but I was in the situation of your sister. I was having personal issues and my friend who was quite insensitive cannot relate to my situation and kept pressuring me to do things for her. So I just stopped doing those things. She eventually stopped bothering me and maybe she hates me now which is not fair. If you respect someone you should not force them.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,468
2,041
113
#16
we each pay for our own. She grew up in a different country to me and I said I would like to see her country. That was where our dad lived. She frequently used to go back to her home country and I wanted her to say ok if you want to see my country you can come back with me when I go and I will show you around but all she said was ok yes if you want to visit my country then book a holiday. I was very disappointed because if it was the other way around then I would have said to her ok come with me and I will show you around.
She's not you. What you would do is irrelevant. Not everyone places priority on family. I have a half brother and two half sisters. I have zero interest in any relationship with them. I've gone 10 years with no contact and never once regretted it. Quite the opposite, having been stuck being in contact with them has caused some issues.
It's time to quit expecting people to act how you would, or think they should, and start respecting want people want.
Your words show someone who is more interested in their own interests, than your sisters. My sister is the same way. She kept trying to push for us to be closer, and I wasn't interested. When she didn't get what She wanted and she pushed for what She wanted. When that didn't work she got upset. No respect for my wishes to stay distant.
 

chatter57

New member
Apr 6, 2020
7
3
3
#17
why did you not want contact with her? was she that awful? I have had people with whom I have not wanted to pursue contact with. One such person contacted me 4 months later and asked why I did not want any contact and I simply said that she was from my past and I just wanted to move on. I did not go into any more detail but I felt that as we go through life we grow in different ways and I am a completely different person now and have different interests. Having said that, I am still in close contact with a friend of mine whom I met when I was 17 and that was almost 40 years ago
 

HINCY

New member
Apr 14, 2020
1
0
1
Florida
#18
Here is my 2cents, she has trust issues, and maybe her perception is that family only dissapoints. If that is the case staying away reinforces that point. do you know that a pinch of salt changes the boiling point of water, penetrates a solid block of ice and makes fries taste awesome? We are the salt of earth. Show her compassion and let God do the rest. Send her a note or give her a call pray with her and let her know that you’ll be looking forward to a coffee and a sandwich when all this passes. Be the difference.
 
K

Kim82

Guest
#19
I can't say if she just doesn't want a relationship with you or perhaps she has some other issues.

But I don't see any harm in calling her at a time such as this. Who does she live with by the way, do you know? She may be a loner, and since she has health issues, that must be rough. Maybe she don't want to burden you with her issues. Maybe you can ask her if she need help with anything.

Perhaps she's not planning on doing any travelling for the near future so that's why she didn't offer to go with you. Well if you would like to go with her, just come right out and tell her, and see what she says.

But the possibility is there that she just doesn't want a close relationship or it's just her health why she is feeling like she can't be bothered because she has lots to worry over. Who knows?

But I think you should keep in touch with her though, by giving her a call from time to time. Perhaps that's all that will ever come of it. But hey, at least you tried.

Don't force anything or get upset with her. Just keep your distance if that's what she wants or just stop contacting her if all this is too painful for you. Don't torture yourself over it. Just pray that God will bring some good folks into your life, who will be just like family to you.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
1,610
360
83
#20
Hi

I have a half sister. We have had a troubled relationship in the past. We did not grow up together because we lived in different countries and she is 16 years older than me She is a christian. She now lives in the same country as me and I made contact. We met up a few times but she said she could not offer me very much except a coffee and sandwich every now and again in a cafe somewhere. I was quite disappointed because I wanted more from her than that and I wanted to be able to give her more of myself. I decided it was not working and we went our separate ways and have not had contact for about 18 months. I know she is not in the best of health and now that everyone is trying to cope with Covid 19 I wondered how she was doing. I am not sure if it is wise to contact her again. Would there be any point in doing so considering she said she cannot offer me much at all. I was hoping that she would want to have me round to her home and we would do all sorts of things together but she clearly either cannot do that. I am wondering whether it is best to just leave it and concentrate on people who can offer me a lot more. I have tried this with someone else and I was putting in all the effort and getting little back in return so I let that person go out of my life.

Do we as christians have to keep trying with people even if it leads to nothing?
Call her to ask if there is anything you pray with her about. You should change your focus to how to serve her.