How to be myself

JcsDscpl · Oct 9, 2012

How can I be myself when I am supposed to be a good wife? At one time he liked me for being me but then expectations came into the picture, and at the time I was happy to abide. But somewhere in the way I have lost myself and am so depressed all the time and I just dont feel like I am me anymore. I hardly even have interest in children or animals as I used to. All I feel intrested in anymore is getting out of this relationship and running away. Not just from him but from my worldly family and friends.
I should be happy to become whatever God wants me to be. I want to live for Christ and be what our father wants me to be! But why am I so depressed and feel like I am just wasting away? I feel like I am just here. My husband is too busy with his computer trying to make income and study everything to actually spend time with me. Even if he did devote time with me, our interests are so different that we have practically nothing in common. Everything that interests me bores him and vice versa.
I have had a good friend remind me that if I continue to pray for him that God will change my husbands heart to see better and not neglect me so much. In so many ways I do and want to believe that! But in another, I have been married for 5 years and it was just before we were married that my husband had persued me. And 7 days after we were married he cybered.. You can imagine how many times I have forgiven him and strived to make the best of our relationship.
There has been so many times when he has said that maybe we should just divorce and I had told him that we shouldnt. But this last year or so has been so hard. I just feel trapped and foreign. We are stuck in his parents house and have a 16 mo yr old. Their lifestyle is far different from me and I just feel that I cannot raise her properly here. I feel like I am in someone elses body anymore and no longer who I should be. I am just here. and stuck, and nearly want to divorce just to go find myself again. But divorce is so against my beliefs.
I just dont know what to do. How am I supposed to go find myself when I am stuck? I dont think I can even go back to being myself, whom had so much love that it drove most people away, that loving playing with children and taking care of animals.. Now I am just a wife who has to cook for everyone and clean the house and make sure my baby doesnt get into danger. What happened to me?

loveme1 · Oct 9, 2012

JcsDscpl said:

Dear friend,

This is your journey in life.

If you are experiencing this it is because by the strength of Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah you can walk this path.

Pray for strength and comfort to remain a good servant of Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messsiah whatever comes your way or wherever you may be.

Live for Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah and see how life does have a meaning and a purpose.

All things that come to pass if you seek Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah will strengthen your bond.

Die to self, it is our self that is the problem, you will do things not pleasing to our Abba in search of self happiness...

Give your life for the Glory of Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah.

There will be tears and times of trial but let them guide you always and come through all things.

There is no greater joy than living for his Glory.

Peace and Blessings in the name of Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah.

chuinchoy · Oct 9, 2012

You need to seek help real fast. Any christian counsellors, church pastors and mature christian that can help you?

chuinchoy · Oct 9, 2012

You are uniquely created by God to fulfil His purpose. You need to find out what are His purpose for you. You can read "Purposes Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Its a good book.

Twinkle77 · Oct 9, 2012

JcsDscpl said:

While reading your post it reminded me of myself. What you are feeling is exactly what I used to feel to the point where I was contemplating suicide. After 30+ years of marriage, I was released by the Lord from all these feelings three years ago. I've been a christian for 15 years. God did change some situations but with others I have learnt to look at them from a different light. I've learnt to died to self and am still learning.

When Jesus walked this earth, he died to self. He spoke what the father told him to say and he did what the father told him to do. He was obedient to the Father and did the Father's will. And because of that we christians today are blessed eternally.

Trials come into our lives so that we can be polished by God in the way we think, feel and act. During those trials, our thoughts and emotions get badly affected that we want "out" of the situation and we can't get out. Well, we can but it would be going against what God intended to be.
Many times God does not take away the situation because he wants us to persevere so that he can build our character to be more like his character. As he changes us, he uses us to be a blessing to others.

We need to die to "self" and we can do this with help from the Lord. Devote yourself to reading the word and prayer and ask God to change your thoughts and heart. Ask him to show you how you can be a blessing to your husband and to his parents. Maybe they don't deserve it. Well, when we were sinners, Jesus died for us and honestly we didn't deserve it either. But because of his great love for us, he sent his son to die on the cross for us. This is an opportunity for you to witness to your husband and in-laws.

As for "being oneself" - I used to think that too, but God had different plans. I no longer think of "being myself" but being what God wants me to be.

I still battle off and on with my sister in law. My flesh does not like her as she is an unpleasant person but the holy spirit within me wants me to love her. So there's this constant battle within me between flesh and spirit but with the strength of the Lord I am able to be with her.
I am very thankful to the Lord for the changes he made in me because if he didn't I would either be dead from suicide or divorced which is not God's intention and if alive I would probably have to face consequences.

JcsDscpl - don't lose heart. I fully understand where you are coming from. I even lost the love for others because I was so focus on my situation.
Devote yourself to God in prayer and reading of the word and ask God to show you what He wants from you.

Lord I pray for JcsDscpl that you comfort her through this turmoil and give her peace. I pray you give her wisdom to make wise decisions and that you give her the strength to do what is according to your will. I pray you bless her mightily and that she in turn will bless her husband, her child and her in-laws. Lord protect her and her child and use her to speak to her husbands heart and to her in-laws heart. In Jesus name, amen

killerrabbitrunaway · Oct 9, 2012

JcsDscpl said:

I honestly can't tell you what to do, nor can anyone else...that would be putting our own ego & thoughts above God's perfect plan for you (I've already had trouble with that, myself--it almost made me turn away from this faith, because of other people, not because of God--we're not God, don't allow us to be). I do know that Jesus loves you, I do know God loves you. This is all I can be 100% sure of. When I was in a marriage like this (we didn't have children, so that was very different), I did things to make myself happy, at home, within my own interests. For instance, I was interested in dance, so I bought some DVDs & books to "home-school" myself on many forms & areas of dance. Our marriage eventually did end in divorce, and he is now married to someone he truly loves. I can tell you that divorce comes with alot of guilt & grief that you may not even be prepared for. However, in my case, it was necessary. Also, there's this really great movie called "Fireproof", that you may want to set aside a "date night" to watch with your husband. I'll be praying for you, and God Bless you & your family. Give that little baby a hug from us all.

killerrabbitrunaway · Oct 9, 2012

Twinkle77 said:

While reading your post it reminded me of myself. What you are feeling is exactly what I used to feel to the point where I was contemplating suicide. After 30+ years of marriage, I was released by the Lord from all these feelings three years ago. I've been a christian for 15 years. God did change some situations but with others I have learnt to look at them from a different light. I've learnt to died to self and am still learning.

When Jesus walked this earth, he died to self. He spoke what the father told him to say and he did what the father told him to do. He was obedient to the Father and did the Father's will. And because of that we christians today are blessed eternally.

Trials come into our lives so that we can be polished by God in the way we think, feel and act. During those trials, our thoughts and emotions get badly affected that we want "out" of the situation and we can't get out. Well, we can but it would be going against what God intended to be.
Many times God does not take away the situation because he wants us to persevere so that he can build our character to be more like his character. As he changes us, he uses us to be a blessing to others.

We need to die to "self" and we can do this with help from the Lord. Devote yourself to reading the word and prayer and ask God to change your thoughts and heart. Ask him to show you how you can be a blessing to your husband and to his parents. Maybe they don't deserve it. Well, when we were sinners, Jesus died for us and honestly we didn't deserve it either. But because of his great love for us, he sent his son to die on the cross for us. This is an opportunity for you to witness to your husband and in-laws.

As for "being oneself" - I used to think that too, but God had different plans. I no longer think of "being myself" but being what God wants me to be.

I still battle off and on with my sister in law. My flesh does not like her as she is an unpleasant person but the holy spirit within me wants me to love her. So there's this constant battle within me between flesh and spirit but with the strength of the Lord I am able to be with her.
I am very thankful to the Lord for the changes he made in me because if he didn't I would either be dead from suicide or divorced which is not God's intention and if alive I would probably have to face consequences.

JcsDscpl - don't lose heart. I fully understand where you are coming from. I even lost the love for others because I was so focus on my situation.
Devote yourself to God in prayer and reading of the word and ask God to show you what He wants from you.

Lord I pray for JcsDscpl that you comfort her through this turmoil and give her peace. I pray you give her wisdom to make wise decisions and that you give her the strength to do what is according to your will. I pray you bless her mightily and that she in turn will bless her husband, her child and her in-laws. Lord protect her and her child and use her to speak to her husbands heart and to her in-laws heart. In Jesus name, amen

That was wonderful, and it helped me quite a bit, as well...thank you!

Ugly · Oct 9, 2012

First, avoid Rick Warren anything. Rick Warren is a 'seeker sensitive' minister, who waters down the gospel by removing sin, conviction and repentance and replaces it with focusing on yourself, rather than serving. Hes all well known to be involved in lots of inter-faith movements. (Unifying of religions). I have a friend who has been to his church and refuses to step foot back in it after just one service. Also, she knew of many people who had problems dealing with the church itself.
Second, you didn't give much detail on why you had to 'keep forgiving' your husband. I'm assuming it has to do with cyber, as that seemed to be the previous subject. If that's the case, then he's addicted most likely, and simply complaining at him won't help. He needs help and accountability. Probably some filters on the computer as well.
Third, marriage can be defined by 'self sacrifice'. This has to happen on both ends, not just one or the other. Both people need to be willing to compromise for the sake of the other. You don't both have to do everything together and enjoy all the same things, but in the name of healthy marriage and self sacrifice you should both be willing to do things you don't enjoy, to be with the other person. And not complaining the whole time, or being down or pouty, or using it against them during the next argument. But rather you do the gesture smiling and trying to enjoy the person you're with, even if you don't enjoy the event. Try to learn more about it, maybe you'll find its more interesting than you thought, and if you never do, then just find enjoyment in making your partner happy.
Forth, marriage is not about changing who you are to please other people. Sure, sometimes we have to make compromises, but not change who we are completely.

I encourage you to sit down with your husband and have a calm conversation about a) getting him help for his addiction b) what can be done to save your marriage (what you can do, and what he can do) c) what you can do to help your depression.
One thing you need to learn is how to cope with stress and anxiety better. That is part of the problem you're having.

killerrabbitrunaway · Oct 9, 2012

Ugly said:

First, avoid Rick Warren anything. Rick Warren is a 'seeker sensitive' minister, who waters down the gospel by removing sin, conviction and repentance and replaces it with focusing on yourself, rather than serving. Hes all well known to be involved in lots of inter-faith movements. (Unifying of religions). I have a friend who has been to his church and refuses to step foot back in it after just one service. Also, she knew of many people who had problems dealing with the church itself.
Second, you didn't give much detail on why you had to 'keep forgiving' your husband. I'm assuming it has to do with cyber, as that seemed to be the previous subject. If that's the case, then he's addicted most likely, and simply complaining at him won't help. He needs help and accountability. Probably some filters on the computer as well.
Third, marriage can be defined by 'self sacrifice'. This has to happen on both ends, not just one or the other. Both people need to be willing to compromise for the sake of the other. You don't both have to do everything together and enjoy all the same things, but in the name of healthy marriage and self sacrifice you should both be willing to do things you don't enjoy, to be with the other person. And not complaining the whole time, or being down or pouty, or using it against them during the next argument. But rather you do the gesture smiling and trying to enjoy the person you're with, even if you don't enjoy the event. Try to learn more about it, maybe you'll find its more interesting than you thought, and if you never do, then just find enjoyment in making your partner happy.
Forth, marriage is not about changing who you are to please other people. Sure, sometimes we have to make compromises, but not change who we are completely.

I encourage you to sit down with your husband and have a calm conversation about a) getting him help for his addiction b) what can be done to save your marriage (what you can do, and what he can do) c) what you can do to help your depression.
One thing you need to learn is how to cope with stress and anxiety better. That is part of the problem you're having.

...and, the hits just keep on coming!--LOL...thanks, that helped me, as well.

Strider7 · Oct 9, 2012

When two people get married you are to unite as one in doing so you will lose somethings you like and he will lose things he likes so you can line up in harmony talk through it but don't nag him about it constantly. Maybe bring up what your going through and if things don't change in about 2 weeks bring it up again also make it clear when you talk to him what he could do to make you more happy and try to schedule events with him like going on a walk. Also ask him what you could do to make him happy he is probably also depressed at the moment and his needs may vary from yours it is important to keep each other happy. Things will get to there absolute worst before they will get better. I would advise to work your way through it and not to give up. This happens in many relationships including my parents who have been together for close to 20 years now they just now went through the same process. By the way my parents live with my moms parents and they had 6 kids including myself and we all live in the same house. We don't like the situation but god puts us through things like this for a reason and it will help you in the long run. Also if your husband is addicted to what I think he is it may really annoy him to talk about it so I would avoid to bring it up often as it will cause strife but I don't think you should act like it is not an issue all the time because it is. You can't force him to change he will have to learn on his own. If you see that he is trying to give it up encourage him and show him appreciation for trying in time maybe it will come to an end. Peace

I hope I was able to provide some helpfulness to your situation.

GOD_IS_LOVE · Oct 9, 2012

Dear,
I do not know much about this, but you may be experiencing some sort of post-partum (after-birth) depression. Being in a home that's not your own, with a husband who doesn't really pay attention, with a child to take care of and a bunch of people to cook for and clean after sounds like a lot for you to handle right now. Don't really know what advice to give, other than talk to the people around you about how you feel: your husband, or even someone else close to you, maybe your mum, sister, a friend. You need to share your burden with someone. I don't know if it helps, but I feel for you. However, clouds will pass and you will see the sun again. Have faith. God bless you!

intercessorginger · Oct 9, 2012

I'm not a Doctor, but what you describe sounds like depression. Sometimes this can get very bad and effect your actual brain chemistry. No matter..GOD IS THE HEALER OF THE BODY AND MIND AND SPIRIT!
For sure, I would recommend to have your pastors and elders lay hands on you and pray for you. The word tells us to think on Good things..so if our thoughts are continually negative, we should repent for disobedience to the word of God and change our ways. Thinkig on worthy things
And I also recommend you see a good Doctor as well, for the short term.

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious--the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse." MSG Philippians 4:8

chuinchoy · Oct 9, 2012

Ugly said:

First, avoid Rick Warren anything. Rick Warren is a 'seeker sensitive' minister, who waters down the gospel by removing sin, conviction and repentance and replaces it with focusing on yourself, rather than serving. Hes all well known to be involved in lots of inter-faith movements. (Unifying of religions). I have a friend who has been to his church and refuses to step foot back in it after just one service. Also, she knew of many people who had problems dealing with the church itself.

It came as a surprise for me and I believe all christians here in my country, Malaysia as well what you've said about Rick Warren. His book "Purpose Driven Life" was used as a cell group/bible study material and the response was over-whelming. If you have any proof to what you have said, kindly email them to Council Churches Malaysia at [email protected]. I am sure they would be interested to know them.

JcsDscpl · Oct 9, 2012

Hello again people, I do have the book "Purpose Driven Life" and its good but too self comforting and like Ugly said, watered down. Anyways, I strongly agree that I should die to myself everyday! But if it was only me in these circumstances I could deal with this situation fine. But I have my daughter to worry about and I have seen from other children that a father that neglects them usually causes some major issues. Like for instance, when they cannot get love and attention from the man that is supposed to be their example and leader before they head off in their own life, then they usually look for it from other men. Which can be ok in a few cases, but in most its not good. Idk if my husband would neglect her much later on, but right now I have to force him and remind him everyday to spend at least an hour with her. Otherwise he just stays focused on his computer. Like I said, if it was only myself for me to worry about, I would just continue dealing with it, as I had been.
And referring to Ugly and Strider, I had for a couple years nagged him about his porn addiction, but for the last year or so I just dont care so much, I mean, I do. But I had realized that the nagging was doing no good, plus knowing about it and worrying about it caused me too much stress. I strive to forget about it and not think about it. I dont even know if he is still doing it. Dont really want to know.
I used to think of suicide, and how I wished that I had the strength to do it, in some ways. But there is no way I ever could, its against God's will. And since I have my daughter now I can't think of suicide, she needs me.
But like I said, I agree with dieing to 'self' and living for the Lord everyday but I dont think I quite understand that concept because when I think about it, it makes me see myself just being robotic and I don't think thats what Jesus asked us to do. I dont think that God wants us just to be robots, otherwise he wouldnt have given us free will. So ya, I dont think I understand that concept clearly and would like to hear more input on that.
The main reason I feel that I cannot live in his parents house any longer is because his mother is a hoarder. So this house is way too dangerous for my daughter and very unhealthy. My husband had asthma all his life and some other significant health issues until he moved out and was living with me. I fed him healthy food and kept our house clean and he has not had them for about 5 years. We have lived in his parents house for 2 years now and at first I cleared the whole place (having a baby was my excuse). It was for the baby, my husband, and father-in-law. Actually my father-in-law was the priority cuz he has hip issues and had hip surgery since i've lived here and at the time i moved in there was hardly any placed to walk so I was worried he would trip on something. Anyways, its getting bad here again and I dont like taking control of a house that is not mine. Its very uncomfortable and I feel like I shouldnt have to be dominating my mother-in-law. But it is very unhealthy, and my husband is actually starting to get his asthma back now.
I just have too much stress in this living situation and I try SO hard to let it all go and give it up to Jesus. But my body is starting to freak out at all this stress and I'm even starting to get some health issues.
My husband does care about me, I know that. But if I could say that 1 is not caring at all and 10 is caring more then thyself then he would be 6 or 7. He supports me to get into activities but he complains about using money on me, which he does have but has wanted to use it mostly on his electricity experiments. Although right now, he does understand how stressed I am and depressed and doesnt seem like he is complaining about using money on me as much (just holding his tongue really). I havent used his money, except for health issues, I know I need to get out and do somthing so I dont feel like im wasting away. but around here in the middle of nowhere i cant seem to find any dance group or yoga or anything. Btw, my family is two states away so I dont have much for support around here, one friend which is very busy with her youngest child which was born with health issues. So that doesnt help much either.
Anyways, he supports me finding an apartment, as long as its cheap, which seems almost impossible. or going to a community, which most are not open since winter is coming on. So again, I just feel stuck and I feel like I cant raise my daughter properly. Bad circumstances. I hope I can find an apartment soon. It would probably just be me and my daughter living there. We wouldnt get divorced, and he would probably move in with me again after a time. I have learned through our 5 years together that living apart sometimes helps to heal wounds. We did that once before for about 5 months.
So I would like to hear more about dying daily and understand that more clearly. I guess I mostly just need much prayer and thank you all so much to listen and be supportive and encouraging and give me words of wisdom!!

chuinchoy · Oct 10, 2012

I am troubled why do u have the idea of dieing to self? It has NEVER been God's will that you should hurt yourself. Purpose Driven Life will tell you that everyone of us including you are special/valuable in God's eyes the moment we were born and God has a purpose for everyone of us from the day we were born until we die. It is our duty as a child of His to find out what is that purpose and to faithfully fulfilled them. What is the purpose God puts me here or what is the purpose God allow me to experience what iam experiencing now.

About your marriage and family problems. You need to find someone to guide you step by step what you should do. Someone to be a mediator between you and your husband. In my country, it is normally the church pastor to perform this role. If you are here in Malaysia, i can help you, although iam yet a pastor. Unfortunately you are somewhere far away, the only option for me is to keep praying that God will sent someone to you.

chuinchoy · Oct 10, 2012

In Matthew 19:5 says "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become 1 fresh". My understanding of this verse is that the married couple should leave their father and mother and start a family of their own.

Strider7 · Oct 10, 2012

Keep praying for deliverance also I personally I feel living apart from each other any length of time is not healthy for the relationship if you do find a place you should take your husband with you. Also keep in mind Jesus is your best friend when you are going through a rough time focus on spending more time on trying to get to know him and have a personal relationship with him eventually things will begin to restore order in your life.

chuinchoy · Oct 10, 2012

Now I am just a wife who has to cook for everyone and clean the house and make sure my baby doesnt get into danger. What happened to me?

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I WOULD NOT BE WHAT I AM TODAY IF MY MUM DIDN'T DO THIS....COOK FOR ME, CLEAN THE HOUSE SO THAT I CAN LIVE COMFORTABLY, TAKE CARE OF ME 24 HOURS DAILY MAKING SURE THAT I DO NOT HURT MYSELF.

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