Husband wants a divorce

[7seasrekeyed]

Who are you, you dont know me or my degrees. you're speaking about my intentions when this is what i do for a living you seem like you may want to look into my services. i reach out and people choose to accept my help or not i also do seminars which dont cost anything as far as sickening, for you to stalk me on every persons post im on is quite sickening and maybe you should check you're own intentions. God knows my heart and my intentions. seems like you're battling self esteem issues considering your screen name is 'ugly' you as a person is questionable, i mean we're all beautifully and wonderfully made. you have a blessed night! pray about it

well, if, as you say, this is what you do for a living, then it seems your intentions are to make money

why someone would contact you, an UNKNOWN, because you advertise yourself and flash credentials that may or may not exist...is an indication of either gullibility (which I suspect is a field you have already plowed) or desperation

I am wondering why your posts have not been removed as

1. you are ABSOLUTELY spamming this forum
2. advertising such as you are doing is not allowed

advertising costs money and you are piggy backing your wares for free

some nerve you got there

for all we know, you are some dude trying to snare people for money or worse

this is just a post for people to wake up and not respond to you

you're obviously not above being nasty as your post above shows and I'm thinking that does not do much for your...cough cough...counselling skills

no one is stalking you princess. you are breaking the Terms of Service of this forum

 

[7seasrekeyed]

"He doesn't do anything, he refuses do to anything, he didn't do it, he doesn't try"

This is so unspecific, it sounds like you don't know what he should do either, maybe he doesn't? Figure out what you need and what you want him to do, rather than sending him to a therapist for them to solve everything. Also ask him what you are doing wrong in the marriage and what he needs from you, rather than believing you are giving 100% (perfect).

if you actually read her op and other posts, this lady knows exactly what she wants

she wants her husband to BE what he promised to be when he married her

sounds like he disengaged pretty quick.

women pretty much know what they want as we all pretty much want the same thing with a few variations

 

[pckts]

if you actually read her op and other posts, this lady knows exactly what she wants

she wants her husband to BE what he promised to be when he married her

sounds like he disengaged pretty quick.

women pretty much know what they want as we all pretty much want the same thing with a few variations

I read all the posts, that's how I was able to pull the phrases she used. Sounds like they have a communication problem and she wants to throw money at it.

The husbands behavior and lack of interest in improving the relationship is inexcusable. She has to confront him herself and figure out what both of them want. Giving 100% isn't a description of her efforts, and saying he doesn't do "anything" or "it" doesn't explain his problems either.

 

[pckts]

I am not a troll i am a real person which you guys would know if you called my number or clicked the link https://tammaraacevedo.wixsite.com/restoreyourfaith RestoreYourFaith

You are a real person trying to improve business by promoting it on websites where you see potential clients in need. You will start with a free consultation and then work your rates quickly into the conversation if they want to "proceed further" in therapy.

Your motivation for being here isn't to help, you are looking for marks.

mark[SUP]1[/SUP]

märk/
noun

a person who is easily deceived or taken advantage of.

"they figure I'm an easy mark"


It is against the policy of the website to promote business ventures on it. That is the primary reason you are here.

You shamelessly promote your business under the guise of "just trying to help". You are worse than a troll.

 

[Susanna]

My name is Susanna and I'm here to help.

Just send me all your money and you will be broke shortly thereafter.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Sorry honey, I'm already broke.. ha ha ha

My name is Susanna and I'm here to help.

Just send me all your money and you will be broke shortly thereafter.

 

[7seasrekeyed]

I read all the posts, that's how I was able to pull the phrases she used. Sounds like they have a communication problem and she wants to throw money at it.

The husbands behavior and lack of interest in improving the relationship is inexcusable. She has to confront him herself and figure out what both of them want. Giving 100% isn't a description of her efforts, and saying he doesn't do "anything" or "it" doesn't explain his problems either.

whaaaaaaaa?

well I checked and you do not have the experience...not married

yeah it does make a diff

leaving it cause I know you know that you know....

 

[pckts]

whaaaaaaaa?

well I checked and you do not have the experience...not married

yeah it does make a diff

leaving it cause I know you know that you know....

I see all these married and divorced folk giving their advice, I just want to contribute too. I've been in many sinful pre-marital relationships and have my own opinions, and I observe the marriages of my friends and family. This is an intimacy issue between two people, I don't think marriage is required to understand this, and I can understand wanting to maintain a marriage too even though I haven't had one.

When I want to give my two cents I just give it, even if the person discredits me for not being married, they still read my post. And I don't have anything else to do.

 

[RuizLM]

if you actually read her op and other posts, this lady knows exactly what she wants

she wants her husband to BE what he promised to be when he married her

sounds like he disengaged pretty quick.

women pretty much know what they want as we all pretty much want the same thing with a few variations

Thank you for your kindness. I have pushed so hard to make my marriage work. I love my husband and he knows I do. I have prayed every day to improve what we have and my husband has fought growth the entire time. I just want to move forward and have growth in a positive way. He is a good person but with me he seems to be defiant and refuses to give anything. He is honest and admits it as well. I feel very frustrated. I know reading my post may sound like I am being insensitive but I have left so much out. I don't want to insult my husband and I don't want to make him sound like an evil person but basically, he has said he would rather divorce than work on things.

 

[RuizLM]

I read all the posts, that's how I was able to pull the phrases she used. Sounds like they have a communication problem and she wants to throw money at it.
The husbands behavior and lack of interest in improving the relationship is inexcusable. She has to confront him herself and figure out what both of them want. Giving 100% isn't a description of her efforts, and saying he doesn't do "anything" or "it" doesn't explain his problems either.

I think that is the issue, that I haven't said enough about my husband's behaviors for you to get a full picture and you don't know the effort I have placed in my marriage. That's not the point. The point is that my husband has decided that to him it is more important to end our marriage than make any kind of effort once again. I don't dont want to get on here and bash him or make him into the ugliest person. He said he wants a divorce and he doesn't want to worry about us anymore. My reason for posting was to get prayer. I need prayer more than I have ever needed it.

 

[RuizLM]

I read all the posts, that's how I was able to pull the phrases she used. Sounds like they have a communication problem and she wants to throw money at it.

The husbands behavior and lack of interest in improving the relationship is inexcusable. She has to confront him herself and figure out what both of them want. Giving 100% isn't a description of her efforts, and saying he doesn't do "anything" or "it" doesn't explain his problems either.

You read my posts and it sounds like we have a communication problem and I want to throw money at it? I have sat down and had plenty of discussions with my husband. We have made choices together as husband and wife and he continues to fall short of every promise he comes up with. I am one person, that is the issue. One person can't make something work. It takes two parties to come together and reciprocate a marriage. He has chosen to not do anything at all. He has chosen to make many excuses and refuses to act on his own ideas of what he should do in the marriage. When you are married you can identify with giving 100%. In all areas of the marriage, I have never come short. I have dedicated my life to my husband. That's giving 100%. He does nothing and gives nothing and that is the issue.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Sounds like he's afraid of responsibility, since he'd rather divorce, rather than work on your marriage..

 

[pckts]

I think that is the issue, that I haven't said enough about my husband's behaviors for you to get a full picture and you don't know the effort I have placed in my marriage. That's not the point. The point is that my husband has decided that to him it is more important to end our marriage than make any kind of effort once again. I don't dont want to get on here and bash him or make him into the ugliest person. He said he wants a divorce and he doesn't want to worry about us anymore. My reason for posting was to get prayer. I need prayer more than I have ever needed it.

Well I understand not getting specific out of privacy or not wanting to speak evil of your husband. It came off as disconnected and uninvolved without these details, but I believe you.

Christ said to not divorce unless adultery is involved, and I fail to see the wisdom in this outside of God wanting to pair the Good with the evil so they can contain their destruction and sacrifice themselves to heal them. It also makes marriage more meaningful and permanent, which does make sense. It helps keep temporary problems from ruining the permanence of marriage, but in your situation it sounds like he isn't going to change. It's a Good rule for everyone to live under, but in your specific circumstances it doesn't seem beneficial to you.

We will all certainly pray for you now that you have made your intentions clear, and many already have less judgmental than me.

 

[Depleted]

You're right, I always say that love alone won't make this marriage work. I married my husband because we got along well for the first year and he was very kind. He was respectful and attentive. We reciprocated love to one another and we enjoyed each others company. At our age, we were not interested in playing games (at that time) and we had the same life goals (so he said) But then after we got married my husband completely withdrew from the marriage. We both have great careers and we both are busy as it was before the marriage but he seemed to distance himself from me and has been that way ever since.

He tells me he loves me and he says he can't live without me but he does everything that is the opposite of that. I feel frustrated because I want this marriage to work out but it can't be one person always doing everything. It can't be one person taking on all the responsibilities of a marriage and the other completely in disregard. He admits that he hasn't made any effort and he says he knows he isn't acknowledging us as a married couple but even in saying it, he does nothing to help us improve. I can't do anything more, all of my efforts and suggestions have not worked and I can't force someone to do the right things. It has to be a desire and he has no desire to improve what we both failed at.

I feel I was too giving all the time and I accepted his disregard because I wanted it to work so bad. But now I am just drowning in exhaustion from realizing that I am the only one in this marriage. I get nothing in return but broken promises and then acknowledgment that he has broken the promise and he doesn't deserve me or that I don't deserve that kind of treatment. He then will revert to intimacy as a means of comforting himself from his actions. If I have intimacy then it turns into him feeling everything is okay again and he moves on with his life. I am not saying no to him because I don't love him or desire him. I am saying no because I want more to our marriage then just excuses and intimacy that leads us back to where we started. - with more pain and unresolved issues.

This will sound like it's unrelated and just me telling a story, but bear with me, read to end, because it is connected.

Dad was the kind of guy who wanted a live-in maid who produced some children for him, so he got married. The only problem with that scenario is he married independent women who wanted more out of life than cleaning the house and raising kids. So, he maneuvered in on the romantic stuff, until he married and went back to being Dad. I'm one of the "produced children," so I didn't witness him doing this the first time.

But I witnessed it the second time. More to that story, but that's the part I want you to know in this case.

The reason? Because he was also married in the Catholic Church so when the second marriage went down hill quickly, he wanted to get all the perks of being Catholic. How to do that in the RCC? Get an annulment.

They qualified for that annulment after 10 years of marriage because neither one got the person they thought they were marrying. I know, because I was one of the people he chose to tell a priest what happened, and not being Catholic, I had no problems telling the priest the truth.

How does that mean anything to you? You didn't get the man you thought you were marrying. You got bait-and-switch. As it stands now, you have one of three choices:
1. Keep putting this much effort into the marriage noticing you will never get the man you thought you were marrying.
2. Wait for God to produce a miracle. (Truly an option, but if miracles were everyday events, they wouldn't be called miracles.)
3. Leave.

Yup. Truly embarrassing to get a divorce after a mere 2.5 years into it, but what does it become after 10 years, or 20 years? (Mom made it for 20. It wasn't pretty, and the one who lasted ten years was worse.)

Worse yet, it's heartbreaking. I know this is breaking your heart, but do you really want to keep having your heart broken for longer and longer? What's left of you when it's over?

I asked why you married him to see if you got the man you thought you were marrying. I also asked to see if you were expecting to fix who you got. Nope. That's not it. You didn't get who you expected. You cannot change him.

Doesn't that tell you what to do? This wasn't a marriage. This was a lie perpetrated on you. Biblically speaking, grounds for a divorce is desertion. (Cheating is desertion. Cheating physically, or emotionally is still desertion.) He deserted you after the altar. He simply didn't leave physically.

 

[pckts]

You read my posts and it sounds like we have a communication problem and I want to throw money at it? I have sat down and had plenty of discussions with my husband. We have made choices together as husband and wife and he continues to fall short of every promise he comes up with. I am one person, that is the issue. One person can't make something work. It takes two parties to come together and reciprocate a marriage. He has chosen to not do anything at all. He has chosen to make many excuses and refuses to act on his own ideas of what he should do in the marriage. When you are married you can identify with giving 100%. In all areas of the marriage, I have never come short. I have dedicated my life to my husband. That's giving 100%. He does nothing and gives nothing and that is the issue.

When you say you do everything right and he does everything wrong, I have to take your word for it when you aren't specific at all. I know there are two sides to every story, and we embellish our own side, especially when we are being vague with details and speaking in extremes like 100%. I'm not going to hop on your side and tell you are right, but certainly can pray for the situation you are going through.

 

[RuizLM]

Sounds like he's afraid of responsibility since he'd rather divorce, rather than work on your marriage...

You're right. He has been single and never married, has no children. Has never wanted children for that reason. He is highly intelligent has his doctorates degree and his primary focus is himself. I knew all this going into the relationship but I figured I could trust him because he showed me he was capable of being in a relationship and he made a huge effort while we dated for a year. He then proposed to me and I wanted to wait a year more. He said he saw no reason to wait another year if we loved each other and things were great. I fell for it and agreed to marry him on our one year of dating anniversary. (His romantic idea)

If I am doing something wrong then I would correct it. The therapist was so confused as well. He asked my husband more than once why he has chosen to do nothing and my husband basically sat in silence. He refused to say anything and didn't want to go anymore. I praised my husband while in therapy and made sure it wasn't about him being attacked. He would sit in silence and then when we would leave he would acknowledge that he knows everything the therapist was saying was true. But nothing was worked on.

 

[RuizLM]

When you say you do everything right and he does everything wrong, I have to take your word for it when you aren't specific at all. I know there are two sides to every story, and we embellish our own side, especially when we are being vague with details and speaking in extremes like 100%. I'm not going to hop on your side and tell you are right, but certainly can pray for the situation you are going through.

Never said that I do everything right and he does everything wrong. That is not what this is about. That is not the discussion at all. It has nothing to do with that. This isn't about attacking my husband. This is about wanting a marriage to work and giving everything of myself to ensure it does. But when you get nothing back in return you basically are not really going anywhere. It is like someone telling you that you are going to bake a cake together and I read the recipe, write the ingredients down, go to the store and buy all the ingredients, I mix the ingredients together and wait for the other person to put the cake in the oven. But the other person never shows up to do their part. So I basically have to put it in the oven by myself and then when the cake is completed, I even frost it and serve it to the party that showed up when it was completed and they eat the cake without acknowledging that they didn't do their part. That is what my entire marriage has been like.

It becomes one empty promise after another. My husband says he is going to do something to improve the marriage and never does. If he feels pressured he then gets angry and says he would rather get divorced. So that is where we are right now. He has become angry and ignored the fact that he has said the same thing for our entire marriage and done nothing at all. He literally has not come through for us as a married couple once. He knows this, he doesn't hide this fact. He will say he doesn't know why he just hasn't and then goes on with his day. I don't know anyone that would think that is okay.

I am not understanding why you think it's about sides. I don't need you to take my side. I am not on here for anyone to dislike my husband. I am on here for support and prayer and possibly some sound advice.

 

[RuizLM]

This will sound like it's unrelated and just me telling a story, but bear with me, read to end, because it is connected.

Dad was the kind of guy who wanted a live-in maid who produced some children for him, so he got married. The only problem with that scenario is he married independent women who wanted more out of life than cleaning the house and raising kids. So, he maneuvered in on the romantic stuff, until he married and went back to being Dad. I'm one of the "produced children," so I didn't witness him doing this the first time.

But I witnessed it the second time. More to that story, but that's the part I want you to know in this case.

The reason? Because he was also married in the Catholic Church so when the second marriage went down hill quickly, he wanted to get all the perks of being Catholic. How to do that in the RCC? Get an annulment.

They qualified for that annulment after 10 years of marriage because neither one got the person they thought they were marrying. I know, because I was one of the people he chose to tell a priest what happened, and not being Catholic, I had no problems telling the priest the truth.

How does that mean anything to you? You didn't get the man you thought you were marrying. You got bait-and-switch. As it stands now, you have one of three choices:
1. Keep putting this much effort into the marriage noticing you will never get the man you thought you were marrying.
2. Wait for God to produce a miracle. (Truly an option, but if miracles were everyday events, they wouldn't be called miracles.)
3. Leave.

Yup. Truly embarrassing to get a divorce after a mere 2.5 years into it, but what does it become after 10 years, or 20 years? (Mom made it for 20. It wasn't pretty, and the one who lasted ten years was worse.)

Worse yet, it's heartbreaking. I know this is breaking your heart, but do you really want to keep having your heart broken for longer and longer? What's left of you when it's over?

I asked why you married him to see if you got the man you thought you were marrying. I also asked to see if you were expecting to fix who you got. Nope. That's not it. You didn't get who you expected. You cannot change him.

Doesn't that tell you what to do? This wasn't a marriage. This was a lie perpetrated on you. Biblically speaking, grounds for a divorce is desertion. (Cheating is desertion. Cheating physically, or emotionally is still desertion.) He deserted you after the altar. He simply didn't leave physically.

Thank you for sharing this with me. You said it like it is and it was painful to hear it said this way. It brought me to tears. But I needed to hear it. I often ask my husband why he married me. I don't see the reason and I don't understand why he did either. I feel he betrayed me by lying to me about the things he wanted in life and the future and in marriage. He really did desert me after marriage. I cried a lot when he first changed into this person he is. I didn't understand why he cut me off completely. I didn't know him that way. I knew a loving, caring man that gave me just as much as I gave him and it was a beautiful begining. I was so broken when it all happened and I accepted it and thought it would go back to the way it once was. But it hasn't .. Ahhh what a mess I have gotten myself into. Appreciate the story.

 

[7seasrekeyed]

I see all these married and divorced folk giving their advice, I just want to contribute too. I've been in many sinful pre-marital relationships and have my own opinions, and I observe the marriages of my friends and family. This is an intimacy issue between two people, I don't think marriage is required to understand this, and I can understand wanting to maintain a marriage too even though I haven't had one.

When I want to give my two cents I just give it, even if the person discredits me for not being married, they still read my post. And I don't have anything else to do.

you don't have anything else to do really stands out to me

perhaps you could start a thread? (I'm teasing)

well, I think advice best comes from success, not failure

and I do think marriage of the godly type is required for advice to those seeking godly advice

you can kick me under the table, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it

 

[RuizLM]

Well I understand not getting specific out of privacy or not wanting to speak evil of your husband. It came off as disconnected and uninvolved without these details, but I believe you.

Christ said to not divorce unless adultery is involved, and I fail to see the wisdom in this outside of God wanting to pair the Good with the evil so they can contain their destruction and sacrifice themselves to heal them. It also makes marriage more meaningful and permanent, which does make sense. It helps keep temporary problems from ruining the permanence of marriage, but in your situation it sounds like he isn't going to change. It's a Good rule for everyone to live under, but in your specific circumstances it doesn't seem beneficial to you.

We will all certainly pray for you now that you have made your intentions clear, and many already have less judgmental than me.

Thank you, I mean that. Thank you for your prayer. That's all we can really do for one another and it is comforting to me.