im a christian man and my marriage is falling apart SOS

[mothman]

hello.
Im 25 years old christian guy whose just about to hit year one of marriage.
This has been the worst year of my life and I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
I need advice because I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm being abused day after day after day.

here is the back story:
Both my wife and I are bible believing followers of jesus. And we believe the good news.
a few days after i purposed I sat my bride-to-be down to confess sexual sin in my life, which had been chiefly a long time war with pornography. The conversation didn't go well. She was disgusted with me and we parked the conversation. She still wanted to marry me.

(before you criticize me for waiting till after engagement, she wouldn't have this conversation while we were dating... i tried)

I stopped looking at pornography mostly out of fear and shame... I still haven't looked at it again but this story is not really about pornography.

2 months later we were at a work christmas party and an attractive female sat at the end of the table. after a few drinks I got loose with my gaze and had to stop myself several times from staring.
there was a lot to the feeling. My lust is very rooted in my need for approval. In my head I was feeling insecure and wanted to be validated with maybe a glance. at my root I crave to be desired in all my interaction. it's the way I seek man over God.
In the car ride home I denied it as she furiously insisted I was gawking at her.


5 days before we were going to be married we had our "full disclosure talk" (part of our pre marital counseling)
I half excitedly told her that I had not struggled with pornography since our conversation but I had failed with lust over women in day to day life (the women who walk around in a short skirt etc.) She melted down, she was furious at me. I thought the wedding would be off but honestly we had planned to hard to call it quits so we got married anyway. the first months of our marriage was her digging in our past trying to figure out times I had checked out women in front of her. pulling up pictures of coworkers and asking if "i had checked out so and so and such and such party"


It was an absolute barrage of insults and disgust and accusations of past failure and it developed into her policing me every where we go making sure I am looking at the ground at all times so my eyes never to see another woman.

After being beat down by this she finally made an accusation I couldn't deny. The xmas dinner party. I confessed timidly.


This is the start of a 9 month long journey of absolute fixation of this night. She couldn't get it out of her. She obsesses over every small detail of the night trying to unlock what was so good about the other girl. furious rages where she spits in my face and calls me pig and tells me to kill myself and that here ex was a better man than me.

"what was so good about her?"
"-it wasn't that she was better than you. my flesh saw something it didn't have and I sinned by longing to be desired by a woman. I took for granted the gift you were"

and on and on and on


We have been in christian counseling for 6 months now. she will not listen to our counselor who pleads her to see my repentance and for forgive me. she won't.

her mind seems like it's falling apart she stays in bed for entire days, she hits me and spits in my face, I have found myself holding her down wanting to strangle her after her unfiltered fits.

I confessed the physical acts to our counselors and mine have stopped but hers have not. my wife hit my with a towel bar the other day she closed fist punch me in the face yesterday and I can't do anything besides leave.

She obsessively asks me the same questions and can't accept my answers as true. she needs me to tell her I am garbage that she doesn't deserve but is so contrary to the gospel which she knows well in other parts of her life. she asks the same things over and over again and she won't here me. It's completely obsessive even in counseling our counselor pleads her to hear my hearts desire for reconciliation. she won't.

I have tried to sit down with small groups of our community but she either puts on forgiveness as a front to get through it or she just refuses to meet with people.

she's camped out in this. she takes anxiety meds which help a little but seem to have worn off of late.

I feel trapped. most days I wish God would let a bus hit one of us.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's so much more detailed in real life but I'm trying to spare you a novel.

what. do. I. do.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I suggest you talk to WillieT.. He has alot of experience dealing with addictions like yours, and has some amazing resources for you to check out. I imagine he'll visit this thread before too much longer.. lol

 

[Ugly]

I'll give you the same answer i give women who come talking about abusive. LEAVE THEM AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Clearly you were not the only one with something to hide in this relationship. The chance that this sole issue caused your normal, sane and mentally/emotionally healthy wife to suddenly turn into an abusive psycho is wrong. All of this behavior was hiding underneath before you met her.
Your mistake was not screwing up with lust (which, yes, is bad, but not the biggest problem i see in this situation) but in proceeding to marry her after seeing her behavior. And marrying because so much work had been put into planning the wedding? That's a sad reason to marry someone.
Really neither of you wanted to get married at that point. But also neither of you wanted to separate because familiarity is comfortable, even if it's in a negative situation. The excuse of the wedding was just so that neither of you had to admit you'd rather be miserable together than miserable apart and alone. It also gave her a chance to berate you. And for you to be berated (which judging by the vibe coming off what you say, you feel you deserve it, at least to a degree).
The only upside here is that you are growing and moving past your mistakes and she's still an angry, abusive woman. The kind of man that is willing to make such changes for the woman he loves should not be with someone that can't get past his mistakes and appreciate his efforts. And NO Christian (or non-Christian for that matter) should Ever stay in an abusive relationship.
Get out of that marriage, move on and start over.

 

[proverbs35]

I don't have time for a long post now, but there has to be a zero-tolerance policy on violence. She should not be hitting you. It's disrespectful and dangerous. Separate yourself from this violence and foolishness! I hope to give a more detailed response later.

 

[tourist]

She doesn't trust you at all because of your past history. Maybe she never will. You shouldn't have gawked at the woman at the party let alone deny that you did it. If there are no children involved I would seriously consider a period of separation to allow you both to sort out your feelings. From what you have described this marriage is a disaster and you both are at fault. If there is no improvement after a period of separation you or her may want to consider the advice of a divorce lawyer. It's preferable than praying to God for a bus to hit either one of you.

 

[Desdichado]

Sounds awful bro!

Here's a bit of advice- avoid absolute candor in a relationship. You don't have to confess every time you have a misstep.

Be there to listen to your girl. Provide support. Show your love. But save some of your frailties for God and whoever he has put in spiritual authority over you.

As far as a lady is concerned, you want to be the rock.

If you want more specific advice than that, don't consult anybody on here. Find a really, really, really good pastor.

 

[Dan58]

You've both got problems, but I think her over-reaction is more serious. Your married, not dead, so appreciating attractive women isn't abnormal.. But your tongue shouldn't fall out of your mouth every time you glare at pretty girls, and telling a super sensitive and jealous wife about it isn't very smart. That said, your wife spitting on you and clobbering you with a towel rack is absurd. If she stays in bed all day and is taking anxiety medication, then I'd suggest that her paranoia is out of control, and that's probably a condition she had prior to meeting you. Her reaction is extreme, especially since the issue is that you just look and have never touched.

Bottom line, since she has encouraged you to kill yourself, and you wish one of you would get hit by a bus, I don't sense an atmosphere of marital bliss, whereby a separation or divorce would seem prudent, especially since counseling has yielded no help and she's still stressed to the maximum... jmo

 

[sandtigeress]

Why did you marry. the counceling before marriage is to find out, if you are compatible.
And if you already had problems she can not deal with ...
But anyways you went into the marriage with open eyes, you knew that your problem (and
the fact that you want to share it with her) will hurt her.

sorry, but it is one error to lust (and that means doing more then the quick "Oh she/he is hot")
and another (may be greater sin) to hurt your spouse with telling her that you were
thinking of another woman.

That said, yes she overreacts also and she went into the marriage with open eyes also.
So you have to see, if you can work/life together and find a new shared base for your marriage.

You will have to curb your need to tell her, everytime you think of someone else and you have
to find a way to move the short lust for someone else into a renewed interest in her or in sportgear
or whatever.

Something about "i like that woman breasts" into "hey last time i held my wifes, we did ....".
Move the appreciate gaze from the other woman to yours.

And you will have to stop "telling her to automatically forgive you", forgiving is a process
and not one that can be forced.

That she will no longer trust you is a problem and it will take a long time to change that. And if
it is too hard for you and/or her, you might want to ask to seperate. Pray both of you independently
what god will want you to do.

Stop telling yourself "We invested so much time" , "God will want us to rather continue sinning by
hurting each other, then separating". You have to take the decisions with open eyes and full
responsibility.

And listen to a good christian marriage councillor. He will not be on your side, or her side.
He may help you to glue your relationship together and to make new good memories.

But stop forcing your wife to deal with your problem, she has enough to do with her
side of the relationship.

 

[Spurgeoncy]

As others have said:

GET OUT NOW

This is a very dangerous situation, and she needs serious help.

If her parents can come and collect her, that would be good, but failing that, pack your bags and run.

Violent women are no different from violent men.

I have spent years recovering from an abusive partner. A situation, like yours, I allowed to develop through my own bone-headedness.

Get out before she does serious physical long-lasting damage.

 

[Depleted]

hello.
Im 25 years old christian guy whose just about to hit year one of marriage.
This has been the worst year of my life and I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
I need advice because I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm being abused day after day after day.

here is the back story:
Both my wife and I are bible believing followers of jesus. And we believe the good news.
a few days after i purposed I sat my bride-to-be down to confess sexual sin in my life, which had been chiefly a long time war with pornography. The conversation didn't go well. She was disgusted with me and we parked the conversation. She still wanted to marry me.

(before you criticize me for waiting till after engagement, she wouldn't have this conversation while we were dating... i tried)

I stopped looking at pornography mostly out of fear and shame... I still haven't looked at it again but this story is not really about pornography.

2 months later we were at a work christmas party and an attractive female sat at the end of the table. after a few drinks I got loose with my gaze and had to stop myself several times from staring.
there was a lot to the feeling. My lust is very rooted in my need for approval. In my head I was feeling insecure and wanted to be validated with maybe a glance. at my root I crave to be desired in all my interaction. it's the way I seek man over God.
In the car ride home I denied it as she furiously insisted I was gawking at her.


5 days before we were going to be married we had our "full disclosure talk" (part of our pre marital counseling)
I half excitedly told her that I had not struggled with pornography since our conversation but I had failed with lust over women in day to day life (the women who walk around in a short skirt etc.) She melted down, she was furious at me. I thought the wedding would be off but honestly we had planned to hard to call it quits so we got married anyway. the first months of our marriage was her digging in our past trying to figure out times I had checked out women in front of her. pulling up pictures of coworkers and asking if "i had checked out so and so and such and such party"


It was an absolute barrage of insults and disgust and accusations of past failure and it developed into her policing me every where we go making sure I am looking at the ground at all times so my eyes never to see another woman.

After being beat down by this she finally made an accusation I couldn't deny. The xmas dinner party. I confessed timidly.


This is the start of a 9 month long journey of absolute fixation of this night. She couldn't get it out of her. She obsesses over every small detail of the night trying to unlock what was so good about the other girl. furious rages where she spits in my face and calls me pig and tells me to kill myself and that here ex was a better man than me.

"what was so good about her?"
"-it wasn't that she was better than you. my flesh saw something it didn't have and I sinned by longing to be desired by a woman. I took for granted the gift you were"

and on and on and on


We have been in christian counseling for 6 months now. she will not listen to our counselor who pleads her to see my repentance and for forgive me. she won't.

her mind seems like it's falling apart she stays in bed for entire days, she hits me and spits in my face, I have found myself holding her down wanting to strangle her after her unfiltered fits.

I confessed the physical acts to our counselors and mine have stopped but hers have not. my wife hit my with a towel bar the other day she closed fist punch me in the face yesterday and I can't do anything besides leave.

She obsessively asks me the same questions and can't accept my answers as true. she needs me to tell her I am garbage that she doesn't deserve but is so contrary to the gospel which she knows well in other parts of her life. she asks the same things over and over again and she won't here me. It's completely obsessive even in counseling our counselor pleads her to hear my hearts desire for reconciliation. she won't.

I have tried to sit down with small groups of our community but she either puts on forgiveness as a front to get through it or she just refuses to meet with people.

she's camped out in this. she takes anxiety meds which help a little but seem to have worn off of late.

I feel trapped. most days I wish God would let a bus hit one of us.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's so much more detailed in real life but I'm trying to spare you a novel.

what. do. I. do.

Back in the olden days (1970's) my husband was married to his first wife. They both became Christians shortly after. She was delivered of demons. (And I'm really not a believer in every little thing is demon stuff. I'm really not into paying much mind to demons at all, but she was.) He was scared to come home because he didn't know which wife he was coming home to -- the woman who took great care of the house and daughter, who canned everything at the end of summer, who could draw well and made the house beautiful with her decorating skills or the woman who would come after him with a kitchen knife after he stepped out of the shower that he could easily subdue since he was a foot taller and 100+ pounds heavier than her.

Sex guaranteed she'd go over the deep end and accuse him of all sorts of things that aren't in him to do -- before or after Christ -- but he was your age, and who is giving up sex with the spouse?

Back in the 70's there were all kinds of unusual jewelry we women could buy. She chose a one-sided razor-blade dipped in gold on a gold chain around her neck. And she loved that necklace. Even went to bed with it on. (Which would terrify me, because what if I cut myself rolling over at night?) One morning he woke up in their bed, and she was grinning at him right next to him twirling that necklace around in her hand. And she said, "Isn't it good to be alive" right before she showed him the razor blade.

His marriage didn't end there, but because back then you could institutionalize someone that smack gob crazy.

Question for you? At what moment in life will you realize the physical abuse can turn deadly? Before or after it is?

 

[HisHolly]

Many might say otherwise but she needs a sense of security from u.. if you think what you do is OK then she won't stop.. being the cover/ head of her is for big shoes..... Some women whether wrong or right absolutely look to their man for all security.. some have a higher level needed BC of their past.. if it's not how God made you to take extra time and help her feel first in your affection after God, then you 2 are unequally yoked.. it will never work

hello.
Im 25 years old christian guy whose just about to hit year one of marriage.
This has been the worst year of my life and I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
I need advice because I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm being abused day after day after day.

here is the back story:
Both my wife and I are bible believing followers of jesus. And we believe the good news.
a few days after i purposed I sat my bride-to-be down to confess sexual sin in my life, which had been chiefly a long time war with pornography. The conversation didn't go well. She was disgusted with me and we parked the conversation. She still wanted to marry me.

(before you criticize me for waiting till after engagement, she wouldn't have this conversation while we were dating... i tried)

I stopped looking at pornography mostly out of fear and shame... I still haven't looked at it again but this story is not really about pornography.

2 months later we were at a work christmas party and an attractive female sat at the end of the table. after a few drinks I got loose with my gaze and had to stop myself several times from staring.
there was a lot to the feeling. My lust is very rooted in my need for approval. In my head I was feeling insecure and wanted to be validated with maybe a glance. at my root I crave to be desired in all my interaction. it's the way I seek man over God.
In the car ride home I denied it as she furiously insisted I was gawking at her.


5 days before we were going to be married we had our "full disclosure talk" (part of our pre marital counseling)
I half excitedly told her that I had not struggled with pornography since our conversation but I had failed with lust over women in day to day life (the women who walk around in a short skirt etc.) She melted down, she was furious at me. I thought the wedding would be off but honestly we had planned to hard to call it quits so we got married anyway. the first months of our marriage was her digging in our past trying to figure out times I had checked out women in front of her. pulling up pictures of coworkers and asking if "i had checked out so and so and such and such party"


It was an absolute barrage of insults and disgust and accusations of past failure and it developed into her policing me every where we go making sure I am looking at the ground at all times so my eyes never to see another woman.

After being beat down by this she finally made an accusation I couldn't deny. The xmas dinner party. I confessed timidly.


This is the start of a 9 month long journey of absolute fixation of this night. She couldn't get it out of her. She obsesses over every small detail of the night trying to unlock what was so good about the other girl. furious rages where she spits in my face and calls me pig and tells me to kill myself and that here ex was a better man than me.

"what was so good about her?"
"-it wasn't that she was better than you. my flesh saw something it didn't have and I sinned by longing to be desired by a woman. I took for granted the gift you were"

and on and on and on


We have been in christian counseling for 6 months now. she will not listen to our counselor who pleads her to see my repentance and for forgive me. she won't.

her mind seems like it's falling apart she stays in bed for entire days, she hits me and spits in my face, I have found myself holding her down wanting to strangle her after her unfiltered fits.

I confessed the physical acts to our counselors and mine have stopped but hers have not. my wife hit my with a towel bar the other day she closed fist punch me in the face yesterday and I can't do anything besides leave.

She obsessively asks me the same questions and can't accept my answers as true. she needs me to tell her I am garbage that she doesn't deserve but is so contrary to the gospel which she knows well in other parts of her life. she asks the same things over and over again and she won't here me. It's completely obsessive even in counseling our counselor pleads her to hear my hearts desire for reconciliation. she won't.

I have tried to sit down with small groups of our community but she either puts on forgiveness as a front to get through it or she just refuses to meet with people.

she's camped out in this. she takes anxiety meds which help a little but seem to have worn off of late.

I feel trapped. most days I wish God would let a bus hit one of us.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's so much more detailed in real life but I'm trying to spare you a novel.

what. do. I. do.

 

[HisHolly]

Not everyone pairs well with others.. this is why seeking God in the matter is vital.. some people have baggage that others aren't equipped for..

 

[HisHolly]

Let me add.. she should have remained single until she got healing to be able to be a solid wife.. if no fair pair was found... It's not impossible, but is rare.. with these type of cases..

Sir I don't fault you.. if you're not made to be with her then you just weren't... Seeking for both would have prevented is all I'm saying...

 

[Angela53510]

This abuse is no different for a man than a woman. It started with verbal abuse, when you were trying to be honest with her. (Too honest, I agree). Now, it has progressed to physical abuse.

Do not engage her. Pack a bag, and get out. I am quite serious. Just because she is a woman, doesn't mean she can't get a gun and shoot you dead. She is severely disturbed. She might need to go into a hospital.

But that is for her to find out. I'm going to post a few links for you to read. If they ring a bell, then please leave. I have taken several courses on abuse. Both helping abused women, and also how to deal with abuse Scripturally as a pastor.

Cycle of Abuse

Abuse Types and Cycle Wheel - Ashleigh's Patience Project

Please pm me if you want to discuss this!

PS. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage. But, the abuser has already broken that sanctity. You are living in hell. You have the right to leave this women.

 

[TheLastKnight]

Oh my Brother , I can almost cry for you right now...
Somethings are better left unsaid. But now that you have said it, you have to deal with it. I see everyone is telling you to leave. That's not what you want. I know you wanted to free yourself from this burden which is why you told her. I think it might be a good assumption that you two had sex before marriage which complicates things even more. She might be just as insecure with something in her life as you are with this, it could be that she is dealing with similar issues or it could be that you are still fighting this temptation. If I could give you advice on a patch... It's never simple and its never easy. Reassure her every time it comes up that she is your wife and she is all you desire and that all of this is behind you and refuse to talk about it beyond that. I gave your self some huge boots to fill when you opened up this door, make her feel loved and secure. If this is not all behind you and you still lust and have these temptations then you need to fix you first. Pray together, love the Lord together. Put God first lead her in the way you would lead her out of a war zone. If you put your wife before God , your marriage may fall apart. Put God first, and make the way inviting to her so that she will want to join you. God Bless you and your wife and your marriage. I hope that You both call on the Lord and can leave this jealousy and temptation behind. Pray!

 

[presidente]

I'm really sorry to read about the problems you are having with your wife. You sound like a much better catch than your wife, just based on the information here. I'd much rather have a wife that looked at a member of the opposite sex with lust and confessed it than a wife who punched me or hit me with a towel rack. Of course, you just told us certain details.

A lot of people are telling you to leave the house. I suppose a woman with mental problems can kill a guy. You are probably bigger and stronger, but most households have knives and you have to sleep some time. Do protect yourself. I'd also like to say I don't think you have a Biblical right to remarry someone else over this. That issue comes up here from time to time. If it were me, I'd try to work it out, even if it meant praying for a miracle from afar... from afar out of necessity.

Have you talked about her mental and anger issues with her parents? If her father is in the picture, maybe you could tell him what happened, and see if he'll tell you more about her background. It may help you know what is going on better.

The Bible says to confess your faults to one another and pray one for another that ye may be healed. It doesn't say the other person or people involved may be your wife. Some married couples can do the full disclosure thing, and it may work well for them if the husband looks at a woman and entertains a lustful thought that he confess it to her. But a lot of women can't handle that, and if you want to pray with someone like that, find a spiritually mature male prayer partner to help you with that. This is a good idea anyway, aside from the marriage issue, to have a man as a prayer partner.

Some people think you have to confess something like that to your wife because you sinned against your wife. The Lord looks on the heart and it belongs to the Lord, so if you sin like that, it's a sin against the Lord. Your wife doesn't have to know, not if she's going to flip out like that she doesn't.

I'll share a little testimony with you. My wife has never punched me in the face or hit me with a towel rack. But we have gone through a few times where she's gotten a negative attitude toward me. The first time was during post-partum after a baby was born. Another time was when she was pregnant. There have been less severe times during periods of stress like when we were moving or whatever. When she was pregnant, she said some things that were rude and disrespectful. I prayed about it. I prayed this long list of things for the Lord to speak to her about. My prayer was rather detailed. Some of these things I hadn't discussed with my wife because I couldn't get far enough in the conversation with her.

She went to a Bible study that was divided into men and women sitting at tables. The Bible study leader asked if they had a problem with anger. He said if you get angry about your husband about how he does dishes, you might have an anger problem. That was what she'd gotten angry about with me. Then she said the Lord started talking with her.

She came home from the Bible study and told me about it. She asked me to sit down next to her. I thought, uh-oh, does she want to start another argument. But she seemed to have a kind demeanor this time. She told me I was a good husband and told me the Lord had spoken to her. She told me about most of the items that I'd prayed about, in much more detail than I'd prayed. Within a few weeks, she told me the Lord had spoken to her about the other issues I'd prayed about.

Anyway, after that conversation, she was like another person, her old self. Except she'd stand around crying some times about mean things she'd said to me. When I'd prayed, I hadn't thought of it as an anger issue, but she said the Lord showed her she had a problem with anger. I prayed. The Lord answered the prayer, and she was really changed.

These marriage problems may seem insurmountable, but all things are possible to him that believes. When I prayed, I had unusual faith, unusual for me. I prayed with confidence. I've had that happen to me on certain occasions. I presented my case as to why it was the Lord's will for her to change, and pointed out that it says in I John that whatever things we pray according to His will, we know that we have them. So I thanked him for answering my prayer, and I believed. And the Lord was faithful to answer my prayer. I certainly did not have the power to make it happen.

Something else I have found really helpful if my wife and I get to a point where it doesn't feel like we are interacting positively or getting along well. We pray together, humble ourselves, and ask for God to help, to show us what we are doing wrong, to point out sins, and confess sins to one another. I will tell her my grievances with her. She'll point out her grievances with me. Sometimes, it's something I did or didn't do that she was upset about that comes to the surface. I can think of three times in our marriage where we did this where it really helped. Sometimes this has happened during times of stress or 'hormonal related' issues for her.

 

[pumaqueen]

First of all let me thank you for your realness,you have bless my soul with your detailed story about your life experiences that you are ongoing now. Look up change is coming remember there is a season for every storm and a lesson to learn and gain,and don't forget the testimony. Because you are able to share your story with so many of us and not be ashame is strenght that God has given you. Not everybody can still stand after all of the daily abuse. If I were you just keep the faith and keep praying for your spouse. Honestly I don't ever think its the will of God for any Christian marriages to end up in divorce. Because we are the light of the world and we set the example of what life God entended for us to live successfully. Thanks again,keep standing and don't ever give up