Intense Battle With Fear

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td_ma

Junior Member
Jul 4, 2014
2
2
3
#1
Hello, I haven't been on this chat for a while, but I'm glad to see people being open about their struggles.

Just recently, I was involved with a Christian Online TV Channel ministry, that is currently in a battle between the person I had been hired by to do website work for the ministry, and another person who claims ownership of the original idea and web content when this Online ministry was attempted, and failed, in the past.

The person I was hired by told me that this other person he is in conflict with threatened him in the past because of the loss of his investment of time and money in the previous attempt, rather than forgive him.

Because I had put my whole heart into the project, when this conflict arose almost over night after being with this project for over 2 years, I was devastated emotionally and spiritually. I had hoped that this was going to be my last employment, and ministry for the Lord, before retiring, and had been promised to have a steady income once the channel made income from potential program and content providers who would pay for air time.

So, the stability I thought I was gaining for myself and our family fell through, and left me feeling like a failure as a husband, even though both sided of the conflict told me that I was not at fault for anything, because we have been married for almost 19 years, and we are still just barely making it to pay our rent and most of our other bills.

This has taken a huge toll on my Faith because I now feel like I'm quickly running out of time to get to be the good provider and faithful steward that God had intended for me to be, both in our marriage and in ministry. I have been under attack, as told by the Pastor I was hired by, as well as his ministry, by the devil, but it's engrained deep within my heart because of the many years my wife and I have been going through these kinds of problems which affect our stability, and my Fears that God will be forced to let me go because of my lack of a stable permanent income and a tendency to help others and get hurt in the process. He has another ministry that He called me to since early when saved, and that has been on the back burner for several years, although some work and a book was completed by 2007. I feel that more needs to be done, and I've let that down because of our other problems.

Sorry for the long explanation, but the bottom line is that I have been terrified deep in my heart of losing my salvation because of the intense condemnation I am feeling since this loss of income and ministry occurred, even though I am being told it's no fault of mine. Pastors are telling me that God still loves me, and wants me to trust him, yet my own lack of feeling worthy of all that He has given me, including time to grow and to build a future, which it seems continues to fall short of the goal.

I am continuing to battle these fears which grip my heart - even was unbearably hot today in L.A. where I've been working on a computer application that I wrote for a friend who has a movie studio, and at one point the heat was so bad I was terrified that God may be leaving me to feel the fires of hell! So I cried to the Lord not to give up on me, but to help me get it together, and then, soon later my friend sent someone to pick me up to join him in an air-conditioned place where it was easier for me to work.

May seem like unfounded fears in some ways, but it has literally been terrifying me that there is not much time left for us before the Lord returns, and I wanted to have our lives doing better than we are, financially stable, strong faith, ministering to others, etc... it has been a hard battle to turn my trust to God that He still loves me and wants to help, while I feel so afraid of Him because of my failures or lack of progress. My heart and faith have taken a great toll - from satan, fear, and life's responsibilities that I don't feel completely capable of overcoming because of the fear and terror in my heart.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
8,273
4,594
113
#2
Hello, I haven't been on this chat for a while, but I'm glad to see people being open about their struggles.

Just recently, I was involved with a Christian Online TV Channel ministry, that is currently in a battle between the person I had been hired by to do website work for the ministry, and another person who claims ownership of the original idea and web content when this Online ministry was attempted, and failed, in the past.

The person I was hired by told me that this other person he is in conflict with threatened him in the past because of the loss of his investment of time and money in the previous attempt, rather than forgive him.

Because I had put my whole heart into the project, when this conflict arose almost over night after being with this project for over 2 years, I was devastated emotionally and spiritually. I had hoped that this was going to be my last employment, and ministry for the Lord, before retiring, and had been promised to have a steady income once the channel made income from potential program and content providers who would pay for air time.

So, the stability I thought I was gaining for myself and our family fell through, and left me feeling like a failure as a husband, even though both sided of the conflict told me that I was not at fault for anything, because we have been married for almost 19 years, and we are still just barely making it to pay our rent and most of our other bills.

This has taken a huge toll on my Faith because I now feel like I'm quickly running out of time to get to be the good provider and faithful steward that God had intended for me to be, both in our marriage and in ministry. I have been under attack, as told by the Pastor I was hired by, as well as his ministry, by the devil, but it's engrained deep within my heart because of the many years my wife and I have been going through these kinds of problems which affect our stability, and my Fears that God will be forced to let me go because of my lack of a stable permanent income and a tendency to help others and get hurt in the process. He has another ministry that He called me to since early when saved, and that has been on the back burner for several years, although some work and a book was completed by 2007. I feel that more needs to be done, and I've let that down because of our other problems.

Sorry for the long explanation, but the bottom line is that I have been terrified deep in my heart of losing my salvation because of the intense condemnation I am feeling since this loss of income and ministry occurred, even though I am being told it's no fault of mine. Pastors are telling me that God still loves me, and wants me to trust him, yet my own lack of feeling worthy of all that He has given me, including time to grow and to build a future, which it seems continues to fall short of the goal.

I am continuing to battle these fears which grip my heart - even was unbearably hot today in L.A. where I've been working on a computer application that I wrote for a friend who has a movie studio, and at one point the heat was so bad I was terrified that God may be leaving me to feel the fires of hell! So I cried to the Lord not to give up on me, but to help me get it together, and then, soon later my friend sent someone to pick me up to join him in an air-conditioned place where it was easier for me to work.

May seem like unfounded fears in some ways, but it has literally been terrifying me that there is not much time left for us before the Lord returns, and I wanted to have our lives doing better than we are, financially stable, strong faith, ministering to others, etc... it has been a hard battle to turn my trust to God that He still loves me and wants to help, while I feel so afraid of Him because of my failures or lack of progress. My heart and faith have taken a great toll - from satan, fear, and life's responsibilities that I don't feel completely capable of overcoming because of the fear and terror in my heart.

Have you put your faith in Jesus Christ? Have you confessed with your mouth He is Lord, and believed in your heart that He rose from the dead 3 days after dying on a cross to pay for your sins?

If so, it's going to be ok. It is NOT God that is making you feel condemned. It is your adversary the devil. God may CONVICT your heart of sin and discipline you, but He is NOT going to throw His Children into eternal fire. That is a lie from the enemy.

If you haven't received Jesus by believing His Gospel, that is something you should do TODAY, while it is called TODAY!

The enemy has you so focused on sin and matters of this world, that there isn't space for God's Grace to work in your heart. Stop worrying. No matter what happens He is in control. Embrace that reality.

Dear Heavenly Father, I ask that Your Presence would be felt in mighty and unmistakable ways to Your little Boy. Give him security in the knowledge that he is greatly loved by You, and his brothers and sisters in Your Son, Jesus Christ. It's in His glorious, and precious Name I pray.
 

Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
2,483
798
113
#3
Your fear is a result of your lack of faith. If you are a Christian and submit to the authority of Christ then you are an adopted child of the Lord. Do you think when a child is adopted by a human, if his marks are poor, he doesn’t score any goals or forgets to make his bed, then it’s back to the orphanage for him? I hope you answered, no. That too should be your answer regarding your Heavenly Father. That’s what faith is, belief that your sins are forgiven and you belong to Him. Historically those who put faith in Him, didn’t reap wealth in this life.
 

Papou

Active member
Aug 9, 2018
195
73
28
#4
Just recently, I was involved with a Christian Online TV Channel ministry, that is currently in a battle between the person I had been hired by to do website work for the ministry, and another person who claims ownership of the original idea and web content when this Online ministry was attempted, and failed, in the past.

The person I was hired by told me that this other person he is in conflict with threatened him in the past because of the loss of his investment of time and money in the previous attempt, rather than forgive him.

Because I had put my whole heart into the project, when this conflict arose almost over night after being with this project for over 2 years, I was devastated emotionally and spiritually. I had hoped that this was going to be my last employment, and ministry for the Lord, before retiring, and had been promised to have a steady income once the channel made income from potential program and content providers who would pay for air time.

So, the stability I thought I was gaining for myself and our family fell through, and left me feeling like a failure as a husband, even though both sided of the conflict told me that I was not at fault for anything, because we have been married for almost 19 years, and we are still just barely making it to pay our rent and most of our other bills.

This has taken a huge toll on my Faith because I now feel like I'm quickly running out of time to get to be the good provider and faithful steward that God had intended for me to be, both in our marriage and in ministry. I have been under attack, as told by the Pastor I was hired by, as well as his ministry, by the devil, but it's engrained deep within my heart because of the many years my wife and I have been going through these kinds of problems which affect our stability, and my Fears that God will be forced to let me go because of my lack of a stable permanent income and a tendency to help others and get hurt in the process. He has another ministry that He called me to since early when saved, and that has been on the back burner for several years, although some work and a book was completed by 2007. I feel that more needs to be done, and I've let that down because of our other problems.

Sorry for the long explanation, but the bottom line is that I have been terrified deep in my heart of losing my salvation because of the intense condemnation I am feeling since this loss of income and ministry occurred, even though I am being told it's no fault of mine. Pastors are telling me that God still loves me, and wants me to trust him, yet my own lack of feeling worthy of all that He has given me, including time to grow and to build a future, which it seems continues to fall short of the goal.

I am continuing to battle these fears which grip my heart - even was unbearably hot today in L.A. where I've been working on a computer application that I wrote for a friend who has a movie studio, and at one point the heat was so bad I was terrified that God may be leaving me to feel the fires of hell! So I cried to the Lord not to give up on me, but to help me get it together, and then, soon later my friend sent someone to pick me up to join him in an air-conditioned place where it was easier for me to work.

May seem like unfounded fears in some ways, but it has literally been terrifying me that there is not much time left for us before the Lord returns, and I wanted to have our lives doing better than we are, financially stable, strong faith, ministering to others, etc... it has been a hard battle to turn my trust to God that He still loves me and wants to help, while I feel so afraid of Him because of my failures or lack of progress. My heart and faith have taken a great toll - from satan, fear, and life's responsibilities that I don't feel completely capable of overcoming because of the fear and terror in my heart.
It is hard for me to understand how you can fear the Lord who loves us so much. His loves for us does not depend on our successes or failures. It is be grace that we are saved not because we deserve anything. The Lord is your buddy not your enemy. Forget ministry for a while and look for better employers. Computer skills are in great demand.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
14,011
7,554
113
#5
Hello, I haven't been on this chat for a while, but I'm glad to see people being open about their struggles.

Just recently, I was involved with a Christian Online TV Channel ministry, that is currently in a battle between the person I had been hired by to do website work for the ministry, and another person who claims ownership of the original idea and web content when this Online ministry was attempted, and failed, in the past.

The person I was hired by told me that this other person he is in conflict with threatened him in the past because of the loss of his investment of time and money in the previous attempt, rather than forgive him.

Because I had put my whole heart into the project, when this conflict arose almost over night after being with this project for over 2 years, I was devastated emotionally and spiritually. I had hoped that this was going to be my last employment, and ministry for the Lord, before retiring, and had been promised to have a steady income once the channel made income from potential program and content providers who would pay for air time.

So, the stability I thought I was gaining for myself and our family fell through, and left me feeling like a failure as a husband, even though both sided of the conflict told me that I was not at fault for anything, because we have been married for almost 19 years, and we are still just barely making it to pay our rent and most of our other bills.

This has taken a huge toll on my Faith because I now feel like I'm quickly running out of time to get to be the good provider and faithful steward that God had intended for me to be, both in our marriage and in ministry. I have been under attack, as told by the Pastor I was hired by, as well as his ministry, by the devil, but it's engrained deep within my heart because of the many years my wife and I have been going through these kinds of problems which affect our stability, and my Fears that God will be forced to let me go because of my lack of a stable permanent income and a tendency to help others and get hurt in the process. He has another ministry that He called me to since early when saved, and that has been on the back burner for several years, although some work and a book was completed by 2007. I feel that more needs to be done, and I've let that down because of our other problems.

Sorry for the long explanation, but the bottom line is that I have been terrified deep in my heart of losing my salvation because of the intense condemnation I am feeling since this loss of income and ministry occurred, even though I am being told it's no fault of mine. Pastors are telling me that God still loves me, and wants me to trust him, yet my own lack of feeling worthy of all that He has given me, including time to grow and to build a future, which it seems continues to fall short of the goal.

I am continuing to battle these fears which grip my heart - even was unbearably hot today in L.A. where I've been working on a computer application that I wrote for a friend who has a movie studio, and at one point the heat was so bad I was terrified that God may be leaving me to feel the fires of hell! So I cried to the Lord not to give up on me, but to help me get it together, and then, soon later my friend sent someone to pick me up to join him in an air-conditioned place where it was easier for me to work.

May seem like unfounded fears in some ways, but it has literally been terrifying me that there is not much time left for us before the Lord returns, and I wanted to have our lives doing better than we are, financially stable, strong faith, ministering to others, etc... it has been a hard battle to turn my trust to God that He still loves me and wants to help, while I feel so afraid of Him because of my failures or lack of progress. My heart and faith have taken a great toll - from satan, fear, and life's responsibilities that I don't feel completely capable of overcoming because of the fear and terror in my heart.
PennEd's response covers much of what needs to be said. I will only add that as a Christian, you don't need to suffer with fear...

Romans 8:15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”

Philippians 4:5-9 The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

1 John 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
 

CherieR

Senior Member
May 6, 2017
1,449
833
113
#6
You don't have to change or have it all together for God to accept you. You come to God through faith in Jesus and he loves and accepts you where you are at. The blood Jesus shed is more than enough to save and secure.

The thing with fear of going to hell forever is that this fear very well may have roots. Try to deal with it at it's roots. Pray about it and study and listen to music. Don't be afraid to open up to people about it. I can relate to the fear of eternal damnation. Many others in the Christian community can too. One thing that encouraged me was hearing the song God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/He Has Come For Us. This song and the verse where Jesus says It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick, helped show me that Jesus came for me too and accepts me even if I dealt with anxiety or panic at times.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
10,138
2,236
113
#7
when we focus on worldly-things, we then have to deal with worldly-worries,
which keeps us in a place of non-growth and fear...
our priorities should always be upon Godly things first and foremost -
knowing what Jesus requires of us and doing it is a must, and we
can only know these things by reading and studying every day
until His Words and ways are sealed into our minds,
then we are able to confidently continue onward
in our worship and obedience...

sometimes Christ requires us to completely walk-away from what we thought
we had to have or what we think we need in order to survive -

hold His hand in the morning when you first get up and until you go to sleep
in the evening, guaranteed He won't let go of you, don't let go of Him...

God Bless you...
 
Aug 6, 2018
4
3
3
#8
Your ministry begins at home. 1 Timothy chapter 3 spells it out. Extending beyond your household means your household must be in order, or the witness you give is false.

Living a Christian lifestyle is the main witness we give, so you must reconcile your lifestyle to your family's needs. If that means giving up an extended ministry, then that is what God expects of you.

This is why Paul says singles will do better (1 Cor 7).
 
Feb 5, 2013
387
16
18
#9
You are having "anxiety disorder" , sometimes it leads to panic attack...Don't believe those people who said to you that christian shouldn't be like this. in fact there are many real christians who suffers anxiety. It doesn't meant you are lack of faith as christian but you come to the point in life where your struggle is so intense. Just don't give up !!!! Casting all your cares to God for he cares"....

You are not alone with this struggle, even prophet elijah from the Bible had experienced depression by hiding in the cave for months. And He got delivered from a "little small voice". Anxiety is long battle ..sometimes months or years to be cured....But only 3 months for me to be completely set free without taking meds and even consulting earthly doctors...We had great doctor in Heaven. But it's alright if you want to take meds and consult your doctor to prescribe your dosage....
don't be ashamed and don't think you are lack of faith, it is part of your personality. Just play praise and worship and keep praying everyday , and ALSO READING THE BIBLE DAILY. You just keep busy and having fellowship with your friends and love ones.......you are not alone brother....ILL PRAY FOR YOU GOD BLESS !!!
 
Aug 8, 2018
222
70
28
#10
Hello, I haven't been on this chat for a while, but I'm glad to see people being open about their struggles.

Just recently, I was involved with a Christian Online TV Channel ministry, that is currently in a battle between the person I had been hired by to do website work for the ministry, and another person who claims ownership of the original idea and web content when this Online ministry was attempted, and failed, in the past.

The person I was hired by told me that this other person he is in conflict with threatened him in the past because of the loss of his investment of time and money in the previous attempt, rather than forgive him.

Because I had put my whole heart into the project, when this conflict arose almost over night after being with this project for over 2 years, I was devastated emotionally and spiritually. I had hoped that this was going to be my last employment, and ministry for the Lord, before retiring, and had been promised to have a steady income once the channel made income from potential program and content providers who would pay for air time.

So, the stability I thought I was gaining for myself and our family fell through, and left me feeling like a failure as a husband, even though both sided of the conflict told me that I was not at fault for anything, because we have been married for almost 19 years, and we are still just barely making it to pay our rent and most of our other bills.

This has taken a huge toll on my Faith because I now feel like I'm quickly running out of time to get to be the good provider and faithful steward that God had intended for me to be, both in our marriage and in ministry. I have been under attack, as told by the Pastor I was hired by, as well as his ministry, by the devil, but it's engrained deep within my heart because of the many years my wife and I have been going through these kinds of problems which affect our stability, and my Fears that God will be forced to let me go because of my lack of a stable permanent income and a tendency to help others and get hurt in the process. He has another ministry that He called me to since early when saved, and that has been on the back burner for several years, although some work and a book was completed by 2007. I feel that more needs to be done, and I've let that down because of our other problems.

Sorry for the long explanation, but the bottom line is that I have been terrified deep in my heart of losing my salvation because of the intense condemnation I am feeling since this loss of income and ministry occurred, even though I am being told it's no fault of mine. Pastors are telling me that God still loves me, and wants me to trust him, yet my own lack of feeling worthy of all that He has given me, including time to grow and to build a future, which it seems continues to fall short of the goal.

I am continuing to battle these fears which grip my heart - even was unbearably hot today in L.A. where I've been working on a computer application that I wrote for a friend who has a movie studio, and at one point the heat was so bad I was terrified that God may be leaving me to feel the fires of hell! So I cried to the Lord not to give up on me, but to help me get it together, and then, soon later my friend sent someone to pick me up to join him in an air-conditioned place where it was easier for me to work.

May seem like unfounded fears in some ways, but it has literally been terrifying me that there is not much time left for us before the Lord returns, and I wanted to have our lives doing better than we are, financially stable, strong faith, ministering to others, etc... it has been a hard battle to turn my trust to God that He still loves me and wants to help, while I feel so afraid of Him because of my failures or lack of progress. My heart and faith have taken a great toll - from satan, fear, and life's responsibilities that I don't feel completely capable of overcoming because of the fear and terror in my heart.
I hear you. I have learned through my own family struggles and attacks on my faith by the adversary, that in fact adversity makes us stronger. It is times like the one you describe that true faith is made. It is the trial by fire which proves us like silver or gold and removes the dross in our lives. It can not be removed without it. The molten metal is where our impurities surface . God then can define us by pouring us out into the mold of His image, Conformity!

Challenges:
If not for the challenges in life faith would be only skin deep. For the challenges and obstacles once conquered make us greater and bring us closer to completion in Christ. I will say a prayer for you. I will not question you or condenm you as having lack of faith like those who condemned Job. Your trial- for you is real and is affecting you adversely . I pray you let go and let God, and be at peace knowing the only way you can loose is if you loose your faith. The struggle itself is a defining moment! God Bless!