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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
.............................
............................................This is one from my uncle..
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because, I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Lucy paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist!
Great Truths from Small Children
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
School lunches stick to the wall.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
Ask Why until you understand.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.
Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
Twelve is a lot older than eight.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
All libraries smell the same.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
Silence can be an answer.
Ask where things come from.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
School lunches stick to the wall.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
Ask Why until you understand.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.
Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
Twelve is a lot older than eight.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
All libraries smell the same.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
Silence can be an answer.
Ask where things come from.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.
V
One I found somewhere... I'll use baptists as the punch line, since that's my denomination and I don't want to go and offend someone lol... Also, I forgot the different denominations in the original joke anyway, and the associated items, so I'll make stuffs up lol.
One day at a barbershop, a catholic priest walked in. The priest got his hair cut, and when he went to pay the barber, the barber said, "Oh, no... I would never charge a man of God." The priest left, and the next day, there were 3 bottles of wine on the barber's doorstep.
A few days later, a pentecostal evangelist walked in. The evangelist got his hair cut, and when he went to pay the barber, the barber said, "Oh, no... I would never charge a man of God." The evangelist left, and the next day, there were 3 bibles waiting on the barber's doorstep.
A few days alter, a baptist preacher walked in. The preacher got his hair cut, and when he went to pay the barber, the barber said, "oh, no... I would never charge a man of God." The preacher left, and the next day, the barber found 3 more baptist preachers waiting on the barber's doorstep.
=P
One day at a barbershop, a catholic priest walked in. The priest got his hair cut, and when he went to pay the barber, the barber said, "Oh, no... I would never charge a man of God." The priest left, and the next day, there were 3 bottles of wine on the barber's doorstep.
A few days later, a pentecostal evangelist walked in. The evangelist got his hair cut, and when he went to pay the barber, the barber said, "Oh, no... I would never charge a man of God." The evangelist left, and the next day, there were 3 bibles waiting on the barber's doorstep.
A few days alter, a baptist preacher walked in. The preacher got his hair cut, and when he went to pay the barber, the barber said, "oh, no... I would never charge a man of God." The preacher left, and the next day, the barber found 3 more baptist preachers waiting on the barber's doorstep.
=P
S
Well this is not necessarily a joke but I thought it was hilarious when I found out about it........................
ADAM AND EVE HAD EVERYTHING........GOD PROVIDED EVERYTHING THAT THEY COULD NEED......AT LEAST AT FIRST GLANCE.................WHAT WAS MISSING.........................???
THEY'RE BELLYBUTTONS..................THEY WERE CREATED, NOT BORN.
ADAM AND EVE HAD EVERYTHING........GOD PROVIDED EVERYTHING THAT THEY COULD NEED......AT LEAST AT FIRST GLANCE.................WHAT WAS MISSING.........................???
THEY'RE BELLYBUTTONS..................THEY WERE CREATED, NOT BORN.
V
Here's a joke =D My dad told it when he was preaching today.
There were three men discussing what they do for tithing.
The first man said "I draw a circle on the ground and throw all my money up, and everything that lands inside the circle goes to God, and I keep the rest."
The second man said "Hey, I do something similar? I draw a circle on the ground,throw it in the air, and everything INSIDE the circle I keep, and give God everything OUTSIDE the circle."
The third man said, "I don't know what you guys\ problem is, but I just throw my money in the air and everything God takes he can keep!"
There were three men discussing what they do for tithing.
The first man said "I draw a circle on the ground and throw all my money up, and everything that lands inside the circle goes to God, and I keep the rest."
The second man said "Hey, I do something similar? I draw a circle on the ground,throw it in the air, and everything INSIDE the circle I keep, and give God everything OUTSIDE the circle."
The third man said, "I don't know what you guys\ problem is, but I just throw my money in the air and everything God takes he can keep!"