Marriage problem

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Denny78

New member
Aug 14, 2019
18
12
3
#21
Hi,
Background: My wife and I married nearly ten years ago. Each of us had almost no sexual experience before getting married. I used to watch porn before dating my wife, but haven’t been that way for many years now, so porn is not an issue for either of us (just saying, as that seems to be the first thing everyone asks).
At first, i had no confidence with sex with my wife, and it showed, and if course it was terrible. However, after years, and me letting go, and being confident, and having read Christians books on sex, etc etc, I hoped things would get better, but they have not.
My wife, at the start of our marriage, would say I just need to gain confidence, be myself, take control of the situation, and learn practical technique in bed, etc. She acknowledges that I have done all of this, but says sex with me just does absolutely zero for her-absolutely nothing. We are, to be fair, two very different people, and we both now have come to the conclusion that we are simply not sexually compatible in any way whatsoever. We both consider each other to be physically attractive, but she says I’m just not the type of guy she clicks with. She says now she knows, because her previous boyfriends ALL turned her on, but i just dont.
She has said that it’s so depressing after we’ve tried every approach and way to ‘spice things up’, that she wants us to just never attempt to have sex again. She has also said numerous times in the past that she NEEDS good sex, and if she cant get it with me, she will have to eventually get it from somewhere else.
We have three small children and my life was extremely damaged for many years by parental divorce when i was a child. I really dont know what to do.
I have been praying for our marriage for all theae years, and things are sliding towards a split, not a solution.
My wife says we just make good friends. She says i’m a great dad, but im just not what she desperately needs sexually.

I really dont know what to do
Get Divorced.
 

Denny78

New member
Aug 14, 2019
18
12
3
#23
That's where this marriage will end up if she fulfills her promise to go elsewhere for sex..
NeedAdvice123 is in utter torment going by what he's posted. Divorce is a terrible thing but it will save him alot of heartache in the long run.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
36,154
13,449
113
66
Tennessee
#24
.

I really dont know what to do
I have a pretty good idea what I would do under these circumstances.

You are right to pray about this through the years even though things continue to slide downhill.

'Good sex' requires the participation of both the man and the woman. Perhaps the bulk of the problem rests with your wife but it is obvious to me that even if that were so you would not be saying those insensitive things that your wife has said to you. The problem, I believe, is not that you lack confidence but rather your wife lacks confidence in you, in this area and probably other areas as well.

Tell her that you are not willing to just remain friends with no sex and that perhaps it would be best for her to up her game. If this marriage fails it would be because she chose to let it fail and not you. Seriously, for starters I would consider a separation at the very least.

Regardless, I hope that you find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.
 
Aug 3, 2019
74
82
18
#26
Despite the sexual issues, do you love your wife? Does she love you? Do the two of you argue a lot or get along okay? Do you two show affection? Hugs and kisses? For a woman to feel loved, and get turned on, there needs to be affection, communication, a bond beyond the sex. Maybe a weekly date night or a weekend get away would help. Even if you pitch in and do unexpected chores around the house, bring her flowers or little gifts, draw her a bath with candles, and soft music, then keep the kids busy so she can relax, leave her little notes around the house.....in other words, stir up the romance! Have the two of you seen a marriage counselor? Some of them specialize in this kind of thing. If she's got so much sexual tension she is thinking of cheating, maybe she can resolve that with self pleasure for a time. I don't advise divorce at this point because as far as I can tell from your post there has been no scriptural reason for divorce so far (adultery or abuse). No matter the reason, divorce is hard on the couple, the children, even extended family and friends.
 
U

UnderGrace

Guest
#27
As a woman I can tell you right now her heart is somewhere else and it is not about sex.
 
7

7seasrekeyed

Guest
#28
Firstly she said she had never even kissed a guy, but a a couple of years after we married she admitted shed had a few boyfriends and didnt want to say because she didnt know if she could trustme when we first met. She said the main thing is they disnt have sex. She admitted they had oral sex and did everything except p**** in v***** and she went out with one of them for a couple of years. Id had a very small number of sexual encounters, and had only had proper sex with one other woman about twice many, many years ago. However, I told her about this before we even dated. She says she was still a virgin when she married me, and said this on our wedding night, but i disagreed that she was a virgin because of the other methods of sex she used
well I'm not a man, but she has more experience than what she lets on

you don't miss what you never had

and what does she mean she was 'turned on' by other men?

and from your post above, doesn't sound like you were quite the virgin either

neither of you have been that honest

sex is not a problem when the rest of the marriage is good, but sex becomes a MAJOR issue when the marriage has problems

honesty, apparently, being one you both have

a man's forum would be good and I don't know why they don't get busy and make one
 
7

7seasrekeyed

Guest
#29
some people probably should

but divorce often just creates luggage that goes along with the person into the next relationship

I see you really thought things through :rolleyes::cautious:

since you say on yr profile that you are separated, I understand you feel somewhat jaded at the moment about anyone's marriage
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,662
9,372
113
#30
If she has stated, that she's turned on by other men then it sounds like she's already gone elsewhere for sex...
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
4,619
3,310
113
#31
How is your communication with your wife? Do you feel like you can talk about anything with her? Do you enjoy one another's company and make each other laugh? Do you have hobbies and interests in common and do a lot of things together outside the home? Usually sex problems are really communication & emotional connection problems, so I'm just wondering if there is a deeper communication issue there.

Also, and forgive me for saying this, but it seems strange that she is saying she needs good sex...I would question what her standard is and how she would know, considering that you said you both had (almost) no sexual experience before getting married. That seems like a big red flag to me. Have you guys tried counseling? Sounds like you could both benefit because I get the impression that there are other issues going on that counseling would help you both identify and address.
"Sound advise, seriously investigate the above advise."
 

Denny78

New member
Aug 14, 2019
18
12
3
#33
So it really is disturbing that the first answer that many people give is get a divorce. I'm glad Jesus don't throw us away after some difficulty.
Sounds like he's married to an adulterous pig. If she hasn't already played Bar Room Bingo it is only a matter of time before she does.
 
7

7seasrekeyed

Guest
#34
Sounds like he's married to an adulterous pig. If she hasn't already played Bar Room Bingo it is only a matter of time before she does.

this should not even be responded to with any sort of rebuff or acknowledgement

I'm saying that cause the poster obviously wants to set off firecrackers under others because he has a situation going on himself

let's not make this thread all about him
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
17,239
4,725
113
#36
Sounds like she wants wild, crazy, uninhibited hot sex. Maybe you could work on turning your freak on and up.. :)

Whelp, I didn't expect that from you Lady Blue. What a naughty kitty rofl Orange kitty says let your freak flag fly!! Cracks me up. :LOL:
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,020
1,779
113
66
#37
This is probably the last place you should come to for sexual advise... Prayer as you said you have done and a possible Christian sexual counselor might be a place to try.

Half here have not been married or are qualified to begin to give you advise.

I am married but not really qualified in this area to give good advise other than for you to seek professional help for the two of you.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,728
113
Texas
#38
I have been married for 23 years, and I can tell ya one thing for sure. Anytime you put two broken sinful humans together for any amount of time and there will be problems. Yea I know they are Christians, sadly that just means people aware of their sin and forgiven of them. Read Romans 8 basically we are carrying around a needful corpse.
If I gave up on my marriage when things look bad as some have suggested I would divorced and miserable, but today I am married and happy with it. Except for physical/ psychological abuse I believe it is possible especially for Christians to work through their problems.
Christ went to the cross to be reconciled rebellious, adulterous lot such as us.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
17,239
4,725
113
#39
Hi,
Background: My wife and I married nearly ten years ago. Each of us had almost no sexual experience before getting married. I used to watch porn before dating my wife, but haven’t been that way for many years now, so porn is not an issue for either of us (just saying, as that seems to be the first thing everyone asks).
At first, i had no confidence with sex with my wife, and it showed, and if course it was terrible. However, after years, and me letting go, and being confident, and having read Christians books on sex, etc etc, I hoped things would get better, but they have not.
My wife, at the start of our marriage, would say I just need to gain confidence, be myself, take control of the situation, and learn practical technique in bed, etc. She acknowledges that I have done all of this, but says sex with me just does absolutely zero for her-absolutely nothing. We are, to be fair, two very different people, and we both now have come to the conclusion that we are simply not sexually compatible in any way whatsoever. We both consider each other to be physically attractive, but she says I’m just not the type of guy she clicks with. She says now she knows, because her previous boyfriends ALL turned her on, but i just dont.
She has said that it’s so depressing after we’ve tried every approach and way to ‘spice things up’, that she wants us to just never attempt to have sex again. She has also said numerous times in the past that she NEEDS good sex, and if she cant get it with me, she will have to eventually get it from somewhere else.
We have three small children and my life was extremely damaged for many years by parental divorce when i was a child. I really dont know what to do.
I have been praying for our marriage for all theae years, and things are sliding towards a split, not a solution.
My wife says we just make good friends. She says i’m a great dad, but im just not what she desperately needs sexually.

I really dont know what to do

Just my 10 cents here. Happiness is a choice in life. And that involves sex too. Very few couples have terrific sex lives. Think about it. Every book, magazine,movie, therapist carp on about sex. And you know what? I think these things make us THINK we are not getting what someone else is getting. And something else couples do that hubby and I pledged to never do is talk to family or friends about our intimate life. It's private and personal. We don't joke about it, we don't talk about it with others. I think women in particular have an issue with this. On top of all the movies that sell the idea of men all being fantastic lovers. We're human, intimacy can be awkward to say the least. But because you love that person you choose to try and meet the others needs. Life isn't a movie. And you can have a fantastic man in bed and a jerk during the day. Personally I prefer the other way round!!

Just a little personal story. All the movies and tv shows tell a woman that you'll know he's "the one" if he's a good kisser. Women supposedly just men on that one ability up front. Well when I began dating hubby I had broken up with another guy about a year later. He was shifty and I found out he was cheating on me the whole time we were together. So I wanted to take things real slow and be sure with hubby. We started dating and one night he was dropping me off at my parents place. As I began to leave he leaned towards me and I though he wanted a handshake. So I put out my hand and he tried to kiss it,but I didn't know he was going for that and I think I knocked him in the nose. It was a whole awkward thing. I think I mentioned it to my sister and she said that we didn't see to have chemistry. So ya, we still tell that story today. He still says "why did you ever think I wanted to shake your hand!!?" Ok, so I'm miserable at reading signals, almost as bad as a man it seems. Chemistry, shemistry. That was ten years ago and I love him more today than when we fell in love. Perhaps you're a young couple, yes,sex has it's place. But when a loved one dies, or you're too sick to get off the bed, or some tragedy befalls you,sex will be the last thing you think about. You'll want the love and strength of your partner. Hubby lost his job and has been out of work for two years. He tried everything to find a job, took three and had to leave them they were so horrible. And we were upset, stressed, frustrated, and losing faith. But we talked, we prayed, we held each other together. Now he just found a really great paying job and we're back on track again. We're horribly shallow people sometimes. We think all our needs should be met, even Christian marriage books say it. Unmet needs, expectations. We are taught to focus on the negative. I read about a couple that fell in love during the Holocaust. When they were liberated from the camps they got married. I thought "man, if a couple can survive that, if their love could grow and endure we should never have any complaints about our spouses".

One last point and I'll stop blathering. I watched my aunt die at 43 of cancer. As hard as that was I saw how her husband cared for her during that time. He bathed her, fed her,brushed her hair, and stayed by her side so much that the nurses had to tell us to take him home for a break. He was by her side when she took her last breath. When they said she was gone, he passed out on the floor. Sex is as important as you make it out to be. You seem to be a faithful husband, a good father, attend church, alone. My advice to your wife is to put down the romance novels and see the wonderful husband she has in front of her. So you're not an expert in sex, who is? Tell her to get a pack of batteries and something pink from the naughty store and go to town if she's that bad off. Just a reminder that the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence do to a septic problem. She needs to grow up. Good men are hard to come by, Christian men are even harder to find. I hope she doesn't have to learn that the hard way. Just remember, if she does, that's on her. If she is too immature to know the difference between love and lust, that's her issue. Wish you all the best brother.
 
Aug 20, 2019
44
34
18
#40
Sounds like she wants wild, crazy, uninhibited hot sex. Maybe you could work on turning your freak on and up.. :)
Orange cats don't lie, pretty much my thoughts, and if don't know what to do is reading this she popped out 3 kids TREAT HER SPECIAL, and if you think you already are try harder.