Married Ladies Only Please

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Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
1,974
1,632
113
#1
*Sigh* I would like to hold a discussion that would fit better in the ladies forum I have heard about, but since my list doesn't seem to have that link, I will post here. However, I am aware ANYONE (male/female..... married/not) can read and post here, so I'm asking that if you do not fall under the category of "married women" please keep your comments to yourself (Men.... well, be led by The Holy Spirit...... I am aware of the can of worms this will open....... and aware there are men here that will have biblical viewpoints to share, again please be led by The Holy Spirit and sensitive before posting..........) PLEASE HAVE RESPECT to me and anyone who shares here. Thanks.

How dose a wife have intimacy with her husband KNOWING he was viewing porn (be it online videos or just the thousands of images ANYONE in this selfies day of age can post) moments before? I know this because his demeanor changes, he doesn't think it does, but I'm his wife, I KNOW how he behaves/approaches things and when things are different.
I have struggled with this for a while now. It use to cause me to have the "What did I do wrong" "What's wrong WITH ME" "Does he still love ME" etc self worth battles. Until one day the Lord showed me how this is NOT ABOUT ME but rather a problem that my husband struggles with. Well then in a way it is my problem to, as we are "one". But I am able to move past myself now.
Now before anyone answers things along the lines of " he should find someone to talk to, covenant eyes," etc...... please know that my husband is a very private person, doesn't share things with a lot of people and has recently lost (within the last 2 1/2 years) the person he would HAVE talked with. And NO this isn't an issue because of grieving.
I see him with different eyes now. Not in a sense of "that's MY HUSBAND and I'm the insecure jealous wife" but rather with Fathers eyes of love and compassion. I see him (in this area) not as my husband, but as someone who is trapped in a "secret sin". I've been in the room when he thinks I'm asleep and logs on. I've seen the look on his face, not a "I'm turned on and enjoying this" look, but rather a demeanor of "I'm feeling controlled to do this, I know I shouldn't but here it goes" the look of shame and heavy sighs as he finally logs off and crawls into bed.
I've seen the look of shame he gets when I DO bring it up (and most of the time it ends up in him shutting down and me flying off the handle).
Now this post isn't about him, but ME!
I've tried to shut down, I've tried to withhold. But that only gives the devil more of a foothold. I CHOOSE to love unconditionally, and CHOOSE to continue "wifely duties" . But it is hard to move past the motions and reconnect in true intimacy when the back of your mind is questioning "what's on his mind now? "
So, even if he won't seek help, How as a wife do I move past this?
Thanks
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,986
5,922
113
#2
I did PM Robo and asked him to contact you about not being able to see the Ladies forum..
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
1,974
1,632
113
#3
I did PM Robo and asked him to contact you about not being able to see the Ladies forum..
Thanks :) Nothing yet, but I'm sure he's busy with all the behind the scene stuff here, not to mention I'm sure he has a life that is off site, as we all do:). *sigh* I edited and got this post as "clean" as possible.
 

Alessia

New member
Dec 26, 2018
8
5
3
40
Romania
#4
Maybe love him even more, with more passion and not just "fulfilling wifely duties". I think emotional closeness is very important in this equation, too.
 
L

LadyInWaiting

Guest
#5
I did PM Robo and asked him to contact you about not being able to see the Ladies forum..
I also cannot access the ladies forum. :cry:
I've been here for years and it's kinda sad that I can't see that forum now that I've made a new account.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
9,021
1,576
113
#6
liw,
do you really think that you are fooling 'Blue' and others???

oh yes, you definitely need 'help', but just try to be REAL and ASK in the FIRST PERSPON...
this will be a great help in you setting yourself 'free'...
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
1,974
1,632
113
#7
liw,
do you really think that you are fooling 'Blue' and others???

oh yes, you definitely need 'help', but just try to be REAL and ASK in the FIRST PERSPON...
this will be a great help in you setting yourself 'free'...
??
 
L

LadyInWaiting

Guest
#8
liw,
do you really think that you are fooling 'Blue' and others???

oh yes, you definitely need 'help', but just try to be REAL and ASK in the FIRST PERSPON...
this will be a great help in you setting yourself 'free'...
What are you talking about? :unsure::unsure:
I don't want to derail this thread...but I really have no clue as to what you're saying.
To the OP, I'm sorry you haven't had many responses here. It's difficult to find women who are married and struggling with the same issues, I suppose. But I think eventually you'll get some more responses. :)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
11,606
1,880
113
#9
liw,
do you really think that you are fooling 'Blue' and others???

oh yes, you definitely need 'help', but just try to be REAL and ASK in the FIRST PERSPON...
this will be a great help in you setting yourself 'free'...
Are you off your medication again?

At least, I assume that's what makes you go on these strange, out-of-the-blue tangents that have nothing to do with the people you flame and nothing to do with the subject at hand.
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
14,452
2,312
113
#10
liw,
do you really think that you are fooling 'Blue' and others???

oh yes, you definitely need 'help', but just try to be REAL and ASK in the FIRST PERSPON...
this will be a great help in you setting yourself 'free'...
Dude, it's like you're two different people. Sometimes you make really good comments. Then sometimes you go off like this.

I'll talk to you next time I see the nice you.
 

pottersclay

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2015
3,530
532
113
#11
Getting back to the o.p. how old is your hubby?
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
1,974
1,632
113
#12
Getting back to the o.p. how old is your hubby?
thank you................. pushing 50, and I'm pushing 40. (no it is not a mid life crisis, it is something he has battled many times when he was younger, before us............ it's just becoming an issue again this past year.)
 

pottersclay

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2015
3,530
532
113
#13
This may seem to be a unusual response but I have done a lot of research on the subject.
What he is looking at and what he is imagining are two different things. The pleasuring and pleasure he's imagining is a lie.
Most of the participants are drug induced or diseased ridden in some form or another. Also they are slaves in sex trafficking. Ask him up front if he condones this and supports this. Just by viewing this he supports it.
If you have children ask him if he thinks it would be alright for them to engage or worse yet forced to do this.
Ravi Z touched on this matter and told a interesting but sick true story of a visit he had in India.
He was invited to a red light district where he witnessed first hand prominent business people having there way with infants.
The question that was brought up was who is the worst. The one who paid for the act or the one who provided the infants?
Sorry for being so graphic in example but the truth of the matter is not innocent. Our minds can take us to acceptable tolerance but our nature can be so sickend we don't realize it. Just by viewing these websites he contributes to these atrocities.
Ask him if he can justify and live with that? The Bible talks about pleasant pictures but also how sin can pervert and destroy a person.
If he truly needs help and wants it he need to hear the truth. If he is saved or knows Christ he has to ask for help. Pray for him and over him. Let him know he's being tracked by his searches on the net that these animals install malware and so on and once into your puter they can cause so much havoc let alone what it's doing to his mind and spirit. Don't care what site he visits there are all linked together by a hack one way or another. Very dangerous and even extortion has occurred.

Keep praying as I will for you and yours. May the love and power of Christ be over you and yours.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
11,606
1,880
113
#14
Godsgirl,

I was just wondering if maybe you'd looked up any online Christian support resources/groups for other wives who are going through this same issue with their husbands.

I understand what you're saying in that your husband might not want to seek help or maybe doesn't even think he needs help, but please don't let that stop you from getting the emotional support you're looking for.

I'm not married now but I was at one time, and I understand what you're saying--you can tell when your spouse "isn't really there", and it makes you feel as if you don't really want to be there, either. At the time I was married, we were having several problems, and although porn wasn't the issue I asked for help with, the good Christian advice I received was to, "Tell him you're sorry, fix him good dinners," and basically, be as perfect of a wife as you can be. Unfortunately, I've never been the type who can just turn my head to an issue and somehow love the person even more. I withdrew even more, feeling that even the church thought everything was supposed to be about him, and that my feelings didn't matter for anything.

I say all this just to say, you're definitely not the only one who is feeling the way that you do. You've probably noticed around the site that many people are struggling with porn, and some of them are married, so there are a lot of other spouses out there who understand that it's not something you "just get over" or love away unconditionally like magic.

I haven't read through all the titles in the Family Forum for a while, but we often get threads from people who are struggling with spouses who are hooked on porn as well--I don't know if there are any recent ones, but you might want to glance through a few pages here or do a topic search to find out what was said to others going through the same problem. .

God bless you and your husband and I really hope that things get better for you.
 

JustEli

Well-known member
Dec 23, 2018
776
572
93
44
#15
Hey Godsgirl, if you can p.m. me, I have something that may be helpful. Directly from my own experience.
 

JustEli

Well-known member
Dec 23, 2018
776
572
93
44
#16
The struggle is real, but when I allow the Holy Spirit to help, it is no struggle whatsoever.
 

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
Oct 23, 2018
2,659
2,189
113
#18
I was married twice (both in Heaven now) and one used to put pin-up gals pics up in the garage. Well we all know they are air-brushed so I wasn't happy about that. My plan of attack was to put up 'Playgirl' pics by the washer/dryer and there were some good ones. This was back a while when I was a carnal Christian. He came over and was ticked off and wanted them down. Of course I said ok, when yours come down. They did immediately, lol.
However, now as a Spiritual Christian, I would suggest you get one or two very trustworthy Christian friends to agree in prayer that this spirit of lust and perversion be bound in him.


The Word says Mt 18:19 'When two of you agree on ANYTHING they ask, it WILL be done for them by my Father in Heaven'. Also 'the FERVENT prayers of a righteous one will availeth much' Jms 5:16..

You got this, God is faithful and He loves you and your husband.
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
1,974
1,632
113
#19
I was married twice (both in Heaven now) and one used to put pin-up gals pics up in the garage. Well we all know they are air-brushed so I wasn't happy about that. My plan of attack was to put up 'Playgirl' pics by the washer/dryer and there were some good ones. This was back a while when I was a carnal Christian. He came over and was ticked off and wanted them down. Of course I said ok, when yours come down. They did immediately, lol.
However, now as a Spiritual Christian, I would suggest you get one or two very trustworthy Christian friends to agree in prayer that this spirit of lust and perversion be bound in him.


The Word says Mt 18:19 'When two of you agree on ANYTHING they ask, it WILL be done for them by my Father in Heaven'. Also 'the FERVENT prayers of a righteous one will availeth much' Jms 5:16..

You got this, God is faithful and He loves you and your husband.
First I'm LAUGHING @ the carnal idea, but my hubby knows that stuff does nothing for me, and then I'm saying THANK YOU!
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
67,986
5,922
113
#20
liw,
do you really think that you are fooling 'Blue' and others???

oh yes, you definitely need 'help', but just try to be REAL and ASK in the FIRST PERSPON...
this will be a great help in you setting yourself 'free'...

I add my response to the others when I say, what on earth are you talking about?!!!