my christian husband is gay and doesnt know I know

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rosa28

Junior Member
Jul 13, 2014
3
0
0
#1
I found out my devout...singing in concerts praising god husband is gay...what makes it worse is he doesnt have a gay relationship he goes to sex orgies....we have been married 5 months and he has touched me once ...the only time he touches me is to criticise me...no one know I know..he always questions my faith and last week he came home 3am from a sex orgy and said to me sunday morning..lets go to church it'll be good for us...but my spirits wont allow it, I went to another church alone and just cried....im going mad...I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him and im stuck in this marraige for another 7 months until I can get stuff together...he has no idea I know as much as I do...God forgive me but I hate him.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,856
1,746
113
#2
I found out my devout...singing in concerts praising god husband is gay...what makes it worse is he doesnt have a gay relationship he goes to sex orgies....we have been married 5 months and he has touched me once ...the only time he touches me is to criticise me...no one know I know..he always questions my faith and last week he came home 3am from a sex orgy and said to me sunday morning..lets go to church it'll be good for us...but my spirits wont allow it, I went to another church alone and just cried....im going mad...I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him and im stuck in this marraige for another 7 months until I can get stuff together...he has no idea I know as much as I do...God forgive me but I hate him.
rosa28, your husband DOES have a gay relationship....with quite a few people if he's participating in sex orgies!!! As a (supposedly) christian, he knows, or SHOULD know that being gay goes against God's commandment of a man not lying with another man. I can totally understand your anger, I would be irate also. Maybe you should tell him that you know he's gay. He is living a sinful lifestyle and dragging you into it!! You need to forgive him, as Jesus would have you do. Pray for him to turn away from this evilness he is doing right now. Good luck..
 

rosa28

Junior Member
Jul 13, 2014
3
0
0
#3
I know I need to forgive him and in time I might, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. ..this man has made me feel like im nothing, yet if I walk down the street im constantly being told how beautiful I am....he is just evil..does he not think God is seeing and judging? But I am assured got has counted my tears and he will be judged accordingly. ..judgement is not mine.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
62,856
1,746
113
#4
I know I need to forgive him and in time I might, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. ..this man has made me feel like im nothing, yet if I walk down the street im constantly being told how beautiful I am....he is just evil..does he not think God is seeing and judging? But I am assured got has counted my tears and he will be judged accordingly. ..judgement is not mine.
rosa, amen sister!! I'm glad you realize that God indeed will judge your husband for his behavior..and that He indeed is counting your tears and knows your anguish over this. "Judgment is mine, saith the lord." Amen. :) Dont let your husband make you feel as if you're nothing--you are worth everything to God and to those who know you.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,961
1,506
113
63
Florida
#5
I found out my devout...singing in concerts praising god husband is gay...what makes it worse is he doesnt have a gay relationship he goes to sex orgies....we have been married 5 months and he has touched me once ...the only time he touches me is to criticise me...no one know I know..he always questions my faith and last week he came home 3am from a sex orgy and said to me sunday morning..lets go to church it'll be good for us...but my spirits wont allow it, I went to another church alone and just cried....im going mad...I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him and im stuck in this marraige for another 7 months until I can get stuff together...he has no idea I know as much as I do...God forgive me but I hate him.
Leave the creep.
 
Aug 10, 2013
147
4
0
#6
I found out my devout...singing in concerts praising god husband is gay...what makes it worse is he doesnt have a gay relationship he goes to sex orgies....we have been married 5 months and he has touched me once ...the only time he touches me is to criticise me...no one know I know..he always questions my faith and last week he came home 3am from a sex orgy and said to me sunday morning..lets go to church it'll be good for us...but my spirits wont allow it, I went to another church alone and just cried....im going mad...I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him and im stuck in this marraige for another 7 months until I can get stuff together...he has no idea I know as much as I do...God forgive me but I hate him.
Hi rosa28. Blue-ladybug, rosa28 meant he is not in an exclusive gay relationship with anyone. Yes he is having gay relationships but with multiple partners, ie a 'gay' orgie. Being gay, like not being gay, is not something that you can choose to do, there are sexual drives of attraction just as there are with heterosexual relationships. I am so sorry you're going through this rosa28. It is likely he was gay when he met you but pretended to himself that he was ok, hence he married you to appear socially normal. Even if he were to change, it will still be hard for him just like it would for a person trying be gay but really straight. It is more than sin - your husband is stuck this way likely from birth. He could escape the 'gay' lifestyle though if he really wanted to, alas it will not be easy for him, as he is wired to be this way. He will need constant prayer though and support. In my view, you need to confront him, tell him you know about everything, and this is not what you signed up for. Forgiveness is a different matter, the word means to 'forget about the wrong-doing that he has done.' You can really only practically forgive someone if they have made better, or removed their wrong, as it is difficult to forgive someone if they continue to live this gay lifestyle. It is normal for you to be angry, and no one could or would blame you for that. I suggest getting on your face and praying, seek advice for your pastor if you feel comfortable telling him. Do not blame yourself, you could not have known. Had you known you would not have 'gave up everything to him.' Gay is soo taboo in the church that men if they have gay tendencies will hide it and, wrongly, go in to marriages to prove that they're normal. I pray you can overcome your situation, rosa28, either to get out of your marriage, or by praying and believing God to help your husband but he has got to want it too.
 
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May 3, 2013
8,719
67
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#7
Wow!

For me it hard to marry a person I would hate...

If I knew my GF was lesbian I would tell her I know she is misbehaving, essencially, before my being her mate and, on the other side, I think I wouldn´t feel jelous she "loves" women (because there should be something wrong in our relationship she thinks she finds outside, into somebody´s else).

I don´t know other opinions, but I think it makes me upset that the woman I am with loves another man (both emotionally and physically) but I learnt we have no control on what a person loves or seeks.

I have a friend who also married a man without knowing he was a gay and the have a child (he is 12 now) and that affects alot the spoiled image he has from his father (they obviously divorced).

AS far as my friend told me, both married for wrong reasons (essentially money + personal conveniences) (It also was a cover up for him).

So you would hate him for "loving" you or for wanting another thing you don´t have?

You know your reasons to love or hate.

I recently was loving a person who was involved in prostitution. I loved her that, after her proposal, I was considering marriage and, the things that discouraged me to marry her were several and one was this: 1) I had the certanty she was somewhat nynpho. 2) She had the tendency to cheat on, so easily. 3) She needed to proof (herself) she could lure away more men, any time she wished and, in that case, I imagined what my life would be if I had married her.

After telling you just those things I saw as risks for my emotional and sexual life, it´s obvious yours would be unsafe and too risky to bear the more.

But what puzzled me what could be the reasons a lady married a man with other drives or appetites?

Here is a question I will get answers somewhere else.
 
May 3, 2013
8,719
67
0
#8
I know I need to forgive him and in time I might, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. ..this man has made me feel like im nothing, yet if I walk down the street im constantly being told how beautiful I am....he is just evil..does he not think God is seeing and judging? But I am assured got has counted my tears and he will be judged accordingly. ..judgement is not mine.
A woman who married any man, even as a cover up, is much more than "something", you are a human being and, if he is unwilling to change, you can marry any man God allows you to love and care.

Just be sure the reasons he is cold and also observe if these have anything you haven´t seen in you (problems have both sides) in my case, with my ex-gf, if i had done everything she wanted me to do, she would be here around, but that was not love (but selfish conveniences, either of both sides).

You are important! you should develope selfesteem to be loved, by yourself 1st, because you can´t convince GOD you are "nothing" or "anything". So, if any person pays no attention on you, "you are nothing"?

I doubted it!
 

jogoldie

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#9
My sister.........the storm your experiencing is one of the most difficult ive heard in awhile.....
Whats concerns me most in all of this....... is hate in your heart....this effects you...not him....
what Im trying to say is don,t hate him.....hate the sin......but for you to remain in Gods protection
you cant hate this man.....I dont even know him and I want to hate him too.....but we cannot....
You need to remove yourself from this now.......do not wait....pray for God to find you shelter and go....
My next concern is basing your self esteem on a man or even people......another pitfall...you are the
daugthter of the most High God you are beautiful in His eyes....thats what will take you to the otherside
of this storm.....not hating........keep focus on God and move on......shut the door....open the door God has
chosen for you.....get happy cause God is about to show you a bigger and better life....maybe not the one you thought you
wanted...but soooo much better....stand tall my young friend......claim your inheritance....
As you can see there are people I believe God Himself has put here for you.......reach out and it will make this journey
easier to endure.....I will be praying for you.....
May peace and joy find you soon......jo.......
...im here if you want to talk....just pm me.......
 

skipp

Senior Member
Mar 6, 2014
654
7
0
#10
I found out my devout...singing in concerts praising god husband is gay...what makes it worse is he doesnt have a gay relationship he goes to sex orgies....we have been married 5 months and he has touched me once ...the only time he touches me is to criticise me...no one know I know..he always questions my faith and last week he came home 3am from a sex orgy and said to me sunday morning..lets go to church it'll be good for us...but my spirits wont allow it, I went to another church alone and just cried....im going mad...I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him and im stuck in this marraige for another 7 months until I can get stuff together...he has no idea I know as much as I do...God forgive me but I hate him.
If he is having gay sex orgies then please don't sleep with him or let him touch you anymore. Gay men are extremely susceptible for STD's, especially if they are having sexual relations with a wide variety of men. You could pick up all sorts of horrible diseases from him. Some of these diseases could make you infertile.
 

jer2911

Senior Member
Jun 4, 2014
766
12
0
#11
I found out my devout...singing in concerts praising god husband is gay...what makes it worse is he doesnt have a gay relationship he goes to sex orgies....we have been married 5 months and he has touched me once ...the only time he touches me is to criticise me...no one know I know..he always questions my faith and last week he came home 3am from a sex orgy and said to me sunday morning..lets go to church it'll be good for us...but my spirits wont allow it, I went to another church alone and just cried....im going mad...I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him and im stuck in this marraige for another 7 months until I can get stuff together...he has no idea I know as much as I do...God forgive me but I hate him.

I felt the heaviness in your heart. And so I felt indignant.

The feeling of betrayal is a very deep cut into the heart. The feeling of being used just to conceal one's real identity is too much. For me, he is living a doubled-life. If, before you were dating you didn't notice any trace of queerness, I'm sad to say this, but he is such an expert in deceiving people. And engaging himself to the sexual orgies need for professional help.

2 CORINTHIANS 11:13-15
Paul and the False Apostles
13For such men are false apostles, deceitful workers, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. 14No wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.15Therefore it is not surprising if his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness, whose end will be according to their deeds.

And if he will say.. The flesh is willing but the body is weak or the means of subduing it is to travel to church, on my discernment to that point is, no conclusion to subdue, and there's a total lack of remorse. Have you read about the Role of Remorse in Criminal Law?

Remorse may be defined as a distressing emotion that arises from acceptance of personal responsibility for an act of harm against another person. Often, with further reflection, the remorseful individual may desire that the act had never occurred at all and wish to make restitution toward the victim.

He knew more than anybody else that it wasn't the flesh, but a decision to participate in evil deeds. One mode of declining to take responsibility for its actions and a twisted aspect of Jesus, is after committing a sin, one moves to church to cover-up. Peter was full of remorse, he couldn't even look at Jesus and even told Jesus, get away from me, I'm a sinful man.

Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.


Or maybe why he wishes to travel to the church he has enticed someone from your church to go into sex orgies? (There was someone I know who was truly a gentle woman but a lesbian and had a relationship in the church) She was supposed to get married, but 2 days before the wedding day, the secret affair was exposed.

I used to have a boyfriend that I met from the church. We were both leaders then. I had observed his action was very effeminate. He told me about his being effeminate was the influence of having 2 sisters and a mother or so wholly the same, he did not tell me that he caused a sexual identity. He confessed it to our leaders before he got baptized.

Our relationship lasted for only 9 months. His ways/actions of being gay while leading a group of men, hurt my trust and faith. I have discovered some of his treatment to other brothers in the church that is not normal for a real guy. I passed all the understanding, the nurturing of what a girlfriend should do for her boyfriend, but the hurting part (aside from him deliberately making me feel bad about myself) was he fell out of love to me and fell in love with his fellow brother that he led into the church.

Back then, if I didn't have a relationship with God, I will have low regard to myself and still in confusion out of his rejection. The church gave all the love he needed. We broke up and remain friends at that time, but the battle for him was immense. Eventually, he left the church.

What I know, married people need to discuss marital problems. If so, better be prepared by praying first, lifting upward to God all the hurts, anger, etc., then talking to trusted/matured Christian people before confronting.

I suggest, be prepared as well for whatever response you will receive from him.

Rosa, will be praying for the process of healing... it's not easy. You felt like you invested much, yet no returns. Tears cleanse the windows of your soul. Tears are precious to God. It's all been recorded. Allow your tears recorded and not hate.

Forgiveness is a choice and a process. Just like hatred. Hate the darkness around him. Hatred hinders your connection to God.

Hatred doesn’t do justice. Justice does justice when we trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding. Give him mercy, only allow him time for reaping the consequence and restitution. Allow yourself to breathe. Give each other space. As God says to the Samaritan Woman, “Sin no more.” It’s up to you and where the Spirit is leading you. To stay in the marriage or to separate.

Rosa, my affection gives way to both of you.
 

biscuit

Senior Member
Jan 14, 2014
2,051
15
0
#12
I found out my devout...singing in concerts praising god husband is gay...what makes it worse is he doesnt have a gay relationship he goes to sex orgies....we have been married 5 months and he has touched me once ...the only time he touches me is to criticise me...no one know I know..he always questions my faith and last week he came home 3am from a sex orgy and said to me sunday morning..lets go to church it'll be good for us...but my spirits wont allow it, I went to another church alone and just cried....im going mad...I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him and im stuck in this marraige for another 7 months until I can get stuff together...he has no idea I know as much as I do...God forgive me but I hate him.
You have several HUGE decisions to make ... and quickly!! Before you confront him, please make sure you have a safe haven to live because you are likely to need it. It is next to impossible to convert a strong, lustful gay lifestyle to a Christian one. And when you do confront/challenge him, ask him which direction will be his permanent lifestyle: Christian or gay. Be prepare to leave quickly and ask for a divorce. I believe adultery/infidelity are legal grounds for divorce for Christians. I posted on another how important it is to investigate the other partner before marriage. Just one weekend or several days tracing his movements, would have saved you from a great deal of grief. I will pray for you and your husband to do the right thing.
 
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skipp

Senior Member
Mar 6, 2014
654
7
0
#13
You have several HUGE decisions to make ... and quickly!! Before you confront him, please make sure you have a safe haven to live because you are likely to need it. It is next to impossible to convert a strong, lustful gay lifestyle to a Christian one. And when you do confront/challenge him, ask him which direction will be his permanent lifestyle: Christian or gay. Be prepare to leave quickly and ask for a divorce. I believe adultery/infidelity are legal grounds for divorce for Christians. I posted on another how important it is to investigate the other partner before marriage. Just one weekend or several days tracing his movements, would have saved you from a great deal of grief. I will pray for you and your husband to do the right thing.
This is excellent advice.
 

jer2911

Senior Member
Jun 4, 2014
766
12
0
#14
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PS : attachment to my reply...
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
3,639
50
0
#15
Hi rosa28. Blue-ladybug, rosa28 meant he is not in an exclusive gay relationship with anyone. Yes he is having gay relationships but with multiple partners, ie a 'gay' orgie. Being gay, like not being gay, is not something that you can choose to do, there are sexual drives of attraction just as there are with heterosexual relationships. I am so sorry you're going through this rosa28. It is likely he was gay when he met you but pretended to himself that he was ok, hence he married you to appear socially normal. Even if he were to change, it will still be hard for him just like it would for a person trying be gay but really straight. It is more than sin - your husband is stuck this way likely from birth. He could escape the 'gay' lifestyle though if he really wanted to, alas it will not be easy for him, as he is wired to be this way. He will need constant prayer though and support. In my view, you need to confront him, tell him you know about everything, and this is not what you signed up for. Forgiveness is a different matter, the word means to 'forget about the wrong-doing that he has done.' You can really only practically forgive someone if they have made better, or removed their wrong, as it is difficult to forgive someone if they continue to live this gay lifestyle. It is normal for you to be angry, and no one could or would blame you for that. I suggest getting on your face and praying, seek advice for your pastor if you feel comfortable telling him. Do not blame yourself, you could not have known. Had you known you would not have 'gave up everything to him.' Gay is soo taboo in the church that men if they have gay tendencies will hide it and, wrongly, go in to marriages to prove that they're normal. I pray you can overcome your situation, rosa28, either to get out of your marriage, or by praying and believing God to help your husband but he has got to want it too.
I don't believe in the 'genetic homosexual predestination' doctrine you espouse in this post. Some people repent and just get free from these kinds of lusts. Others ensnared in them get free, but have to keep an ongoing struggle to keep their thought-life pure like some men do with keeping their minds pure toward women after getting free from porn, fornication, and adultery.

I was also thinking of a testimony from a man in Ohio who was living a homosexual at 19, living an 'out of the closet' gay lifestyle. In his testimony around two decades later after he had married (a woman) and had children was that it was hard for him to think that he was once that 19 year old man. He wasn't bound by all that anymore.

One things for Christians to keep in mind, is that Paul said about those trapped in this sinful lifestyle and other sins, "and such WERE some of you" but now ye are washed. Now ye are sanctified. Now ye are justified....
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,816
106
63
#16
I found out my devout...singing in concerts praising god husband is gay...what makes it worse is he doesnt have a gay relationship he goes to sex orgies....we have been married 5 months and he has touched me once ...the only time he touches me is to criticise me...no one know I know..he always questions my faith and last week he came home 3am from a sex orgy and said to me sunday morning..lets go to church it'll be good for us...but my spirits wont allow it, I went to another church alone and just cried....im going mad...I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him and im stuck in this marraige for another 7 months until I can get stuff together...he has no idea I know as much as I do...God forgive me but I hate him.
Just curious, there are so many post like yours of surprised spouses. My husband is cheating, my husbands into porn, my husbands on drugs, etc.. Doesn't anyone get to know their boyfriends prior to marriage? I don't mean to be critical, but surely there were signs of problematic behavior pre-marriage. I have a friend who got married and constantly complains about her husbands excessive drinking, but he was a drunk before she married him! I don't get why she thought he would be any different post-marriage?
 

santuzza

Senior Member
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
35
48
#17
Dan58, you make an excellent point! But getting back to the problem at hand, OP, you need to tell him you know. There is absolutely no point it keeping it a secret. Then you can plan what you do based on your husband's reaction.
 

jer2911

Senior Member
Jun 4, 2014
766
12
0
#18
Just curious, there are so many post like yours of surprised spouses. My husband is cheating, my husbands into porn, my husbands on drugs, etc.. Doesn't anyone get to know their boyfriends prior to marriage? I don't mean to be critical, but surely there were signs of problematic behavior pre-marriage. I have a friend who got married and constantly complains about her husbands excessive drinking, but he was a drunk before she married him! I don't get why she thought he would be any different post-marriage?
I thought so, too, dan 58. When I had relationship with my ex-boyfriend, some ways were there but guys are very secretive too. Only when you get involved that you will know how deep the problem is. How drunk the drunkard, how cheater the deceiver. Well, maybe, women have this hope for them to change eventually when in a relationship. But for those who had known the problematic behavior since their dating life, need to take risks. First, pray and talk to counselors, Second, give space. Third, be ready for plan a and plan b - a house to live when separated (shorter/longer term). Fourth - go into process of healing. In any relationship, these are all applicable.
 
Jun 25, 2014
82
1
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#19
If he is having gay sex orgies then please don't sleep with him or let him touch you anymore. Gay men are extremely susceptible for STD's, especially if they are having sexual relations with a wide variety of men. You could pick up all sorts of horrible diseases from him. Some of these diseases could make you infertile.
Absolutely agree with this. Your first priority should be to protect your physical health and not let him touch you. Is there somewhere you could move to right away so you don't have to be in the same house? Don't let him sweet talk you - someone that messed up is not going to change. But it does not sound like he would try and sweet talk you. If he is being abusive verbally, I would worry that he might become physically abusive as well. Find somewhere to go to. Don't feel guilty for being angry and feeling betrayed. It is okay to process those feelings and it will take time.
 

jer2911

Senior Member
Jun 4, 2014
766
12
0
#20
Prior to marriage, when dating, there should be a period of time to know each other traits, strengths and weaknesses. Build friendships first with each other and with the group. Test leadership - how each cope to crisis. Test your love for each other - how you can accept each other's differences and share common interests. Throw all baggages of the past. Spend quality time. For me, it helps a lot to know someone when he will introduce me to his family, build relationship to his kins. Have at least common friends that know both of you dearly and deeply. I'm not guaranteeing for a successful marriage but at least you will be saved by blaming self for what ifs and I/he or she should etc. No one to blame but you alone. And don't expect to change a person, change yourself first. That's why long distance relationship is very risky.
 
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