My husband doesn't want to be married anymore.

[christianwife87]

Well here I am again, I previously posted 2 topics about my husband leaving me and moving to another state with his sister.
Originally we discussed being separated temporarily, which was his Idea, I totally disagreed with him and let him know that was not what I wanted . Before he left he assured me that he was just using this separation to work on himself and find a job so that he can be a man and provide for his family.

During one of our conversations he also told me he never wanted to leave in the first place, I guess he wanted me to fight for him to stay, but at the time I did cry and begged him not to go, he ignored me and left anyways.

It's been over a month now, in between time we have talked and he clearly stated that he wanted to remain married and that he was more then willing to fix our marriage, after a couple weeks to myself and my children, I finally felt that he did make the right decision and that I would work on my part being a Woman of God and a better wife and mother during this time.
Everything was fine, he called everyday for about 1 week, we talked about our future together, how we missed each other and couldn't wait to see each other again, he even said that after his job training he would be returning home sometime in March!

I was very excited to hear that my husband would be home so soon. Until one day I didn't get his call, I thought he was just a little busy, so I didn't worry, then days went by! After about 4 days of not hearing from him, he finally gets in contact with me to tell me that he feels he doesn't want to be married anymore and that he felt I wanted him all to myself and that he just couldn't do that, I didn't understand what he meant or where any of this was coming from, so I let out my hurt and anger and replied by asking him to provide me with an address to have divorce papers sent to him.

He responded as if he wasn't expecting me to say that and was kind of in shock with my response. He ended the conversation telling me he loved me and would always love me, which just really hurt more because I felt he wanted to make me breakdown and cry out to him.

4 days after that he decides to call me and ask me why I never tried to contact him since he's been gone, I was so confused by this because he just told me a few days before that he didn't want to be married anymore, but I responded to him, letting him know that I tried to contact him but that his phone was shut off, also I was not comfortable calling his sisters phone, and that I just patiently waited on his call, he told me that I am still his wife and that he wanted to know that I was thinking of him.

So after that conversation I did what I thought he wanted and contacted him through his sisters phone through text, but he didn't respond until 3 days later, he sounded totally different as if he didn't want to hear from me and was being kind of rude, I felt like we were just strangers! He asked me about this other guy that fixes my car and if he has tried to flirt with me, I was honest with him and told him Yes, then he asked me if I was going to finally give him a chance. I told him I no, I am still married to him and it might not mean anything to him but it means everything to me, I then questioned him if he was seeing someone else, he said no.
I tried to get more understanding of him wanting me to contact him more because I was confused, he acted as if he didn't understand me, and said he didn't want to be rude by telling me again that he doesn't want to be married so he cut the conversation short, I broke down and cried so hard I didn't know what to do.

I started having visions of him being with another woman and this woman having his child, I've tried to get pregnant with his child for 2 years but never did, so I cried harder.
Since my husband has told me he didn't want to be married anymore, I decided since God hates divorce that I would not be the one to get the divorce, if he wanted to file he will do it himself, he hasn't even provided me with am address if I were to file!

I've been praying and praying, for God to soften my husband's heart, and have continuously ask for signs that HE is going to restore our marriage, I've been led to scriptures about marriage, but I'm still not getting clear signs, it's been 2 weeks and I still haven't heard from my husband, he hasn't even bothered to check on us! It hurts even more because that is not how he used to be, and I don't want our marriage to be over, I just want my husband home and I can't even sleep at night because I wake up to see if he's called me, and he hasnt.
IM CONFUSED...SORRY ITS SO LONG BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE WHOLE STORY, AND I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU READ MY PREVIOUS POST TO GET A BETTER UNDERSTANDING. ..PLEASE HELP ME

 

[John_agape]

Hi, this is difficult to answer because there is so much that is confusing about his behavior.

My advice is to tell him that you saying you should get divorced, was because he was hurting and provoking you by saying he doesn't want to be married to you anymore. But you do want to keep your marriage.

Any divorce action should come from him. But don't suggest it.

You say it's been 2 weeks since you last heard from him. This is tough, I know, but it can take a bit of time before he comes to his senses. Try to live a day at a time with the Lord and keep trusting that He will heal your marriage.

It seems counter intuitive, but sometimes not pushing to get back together can result in coming back together. When my wife left me (this happened 25 years ago) she was absolutely clear and stubborn that there was no coming back, it was over. Then when I accepted that and moved away and changed to that I did not want to be with her, then she wanted to come back to me. I wrote the story in my introduction to this forum:
http://christianchat.com/new-christian-chat-members-introduce-yourselves/86574-hi-you-all.html

It is not only you that feels confused, I think your husband is confused. I also think he is not being honest and open.

Has he shown jealousy before asking about the mechanic being flirty?

 

[Agricola]

This behaviour sounds all too familiar, the clues are all there. Basically he is having an affair, or even numerous affairs, deep down he still wants to keep a wife at home, for whatever reason, while he has a free reign to sleep with other women. The whole thing over the mechanic is his way of keeping a clear mind, that is, if you are having relationships with other men, then he can see other women without the worry of having to cover it up from you.

As for divorce, if he admits he is having an affair, then you should start divorce proceedings.

 

[christianwife87]

Hi, this is difficult to answer because there is so much that is confusing about his behavior.

My advice is to tell him that you saying you should get divorced, was because he was hurting and provoking you by saying he doesn't want to be married to you anymore. But you do want to keep your marriage.

Any divorce action should come from him. But don't suggest it.

You say it's been 2 weeks since you last heard from him. This is tough, I know, but it can take a bit of time before he comes to his senses. Try to live a day at a time with the Lord and keep trusting that He will heal your marriage.

It seems counter intuitive, but sometimes not pushing to get back together can result in coming back together. When my wife left me (this happened 25 years ago) she was absolutely clear and stubborn that there was no coming back, it was over. Then when I accepted that and moved away and changed to that I did not want to be with her, then she wanted to come back to me. I wrote the story in my introduction to this forum:
http://christianchat.com/new-christian-chat-members-introduce-yourselves/86574-hi-you-all.html

It is not only you that feels confused, I think your husband is confused. I also think he is not being honest and open.

Has he shown jealousy before asking about the mechanic being flirty?

Thank you for your response, since he left he has not shown jealousy, I do believe that him asking about the guy might have made him worry but I don't know, I feel like he is just trying to make me feel bad.

 

[christianwife87]

This behaviour sounds all too familiar, the clues are all there. Basically he is having an affair, or even numerous affairs, deep down he still wants to keep a wife at home, for whatever reason, while he has a free reign to sleep with other women. The whole thing over the mechanic is his way of keeping a clear mind, that is, if you are having relationships with other men, then he can see other women without the worry of having to cover it up from you.

As for divorce, if he admits he is having an affair, then you should start divorce proceedings.

Thanks for your response, I don't know if he is having an affair but, I would think if he was he would've told me while he was telling me the truth about wanting the divorce. I just know something is not right, but I don't exactly know what it is.

 

[John_agape]

Trying to make you feel bad sounds like he is troubled by his conscience.

 

[Lucy68]

Sorry you're hurting! What a fickle person he is....constantly shifting from hot to cold. He sounds very controlling and may even enjoy manipulating your emotions. Does he have a huge ego that often needs to be built up and is easily offended? It may just be immaturity that he may grow out of.


I think you're right about not being the one to file the divorce papers. At least later you can know that you did not 'encourage' the divorce...if it eventually comes to that. It seems that some people have a real talent for manipulating events in order to make it look like someone else's fault because they don't want to take the blame themselves for something that they really want to happen.

So remain 'blameless'...if the breakup is really what he wants, let him be the one to make it.

During the early part of our marriage my husband would play mental games with me and play on my emotional attachment to him. I think it's some sort of 'power game'. Eventually, I became strong enough to be resistant to emotional manipulation, to remain calm and somewhat logical while he would go off in a rant about something. He doesn't do this anymore because, simply, I don't react to it (well most of the time anyway). I don't think he even knows he does it (this was tactic his dad would use so I think he learned it from him). He just sometimes acts unreasonable in order to see what I will do. I just go do something else and let him stew in his own juices for awhile.

Sounds a little weird I guess but this is part of our relationship . We still love each other very much, knowing that neither one of us is perfect, and it gives us the opportunity to forgive and accept each other, warts and all .

In the meantime remain steadfast in the Lord. He will give you strength and will heal your heart. Praying for you both, love, forgiveness, and guidance by the Holy Spirit.

 

[christianwife87]

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it.

 

[presidente]

He could be having an affair, but I don't think you can know for sure from what you've written. Sometimes people just behave badly for other reasons.

Does he claim to be a believer? Does he have basic Christian ethics in other aspects of his life or exhibit any fear of the Lord?

If he had some Christian background, if I were you, when I talked to him I would tell him what Jesus said about divorce and remarriage being adultery. I'd tell him he made a commitment that God expected him to honor, and that if he didn't feel like he loved you any more, that he needed to repent because the Bible says, 'husbands love your wives.' The solution is repentance not divorce. I'd also tell him to stop playing games, asking for a divorce, and then expecting phone calls begging him to come back. Tell him he's the man, and you want him to pursue you rather than expect you to chase him. You can tell him you will submit to him as a wife, but not if that means sinning against God, so you can't cooperate with the divorce. And you need him to come home right now. I'd also point out to him that a lot of couples go through times when their feelings for each other aren't strong, and if they stay married and stay together, they usually come out better later on. People who get divorced usually have the same types of marital problems in the next marriage. Besides, if he wants to remarry, the next woman will likely be of lower quality, since he'd be looking among a pool of candidates desperate enough to marry a man who has demonstrated a lack of willingness to honor his marriage covenant.

Usually, the separation thing is a bad thing and makes the marriage more unstable in most cases, IMO. You can't talk. You can't kiss. You can't be intimate. You don't have opportunities to do activities together and laugh together. You can't pray together about your marriage in the same way. If your relationship I distant, it's hard to do the things that make you feel less distant.

 

[Camarasaurus]

I highly suggest you seek GOOD, safe and mature christian counseling for YOURSELF. It sounds like YOU need to decide what you are going to put up with - and should put up with. If your husband is confused - that doesn't mean you have to have your emotions played with while he "finds himself". Setting some healthy boundaries on YOUR SIDE is important.

There is a good Christian book called "Boundaries In Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend - two very good christian therapists who have dealt with all sorts of issue.

I also suggest you read "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. This is another classic book that helps us see how, when and where to set healthy boundaries with ourselves and others.

Sorry you are going through this much turmoil, but I really suggest you start taking control of your life from YOUR end, and not allowing your husband to keep playing these mind games with you. Work on yourself and see how things change. It is not up to you to change your husband - that is his responsibility. I am not saying you need to divorce him. In taking these steps in setting healthy boundaries, your husband may see you are someone to respect and take steps from his end to work on HIS issues.

God bless and (((hugs)))

 

[christianwife87]

Thank you so much, after 2 weeks of not hearing from him and crying out to God in prayer, he finally contacted me yesterday! I was extremely glad to hear from him and to know that he was okay, I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to talk to actually sit my pride aside and tell him how I felt. I was kind of shocked when he told me that he wanted to stay married he just didn't know how it was going to work between us because of how we used to treat each other. He also said he wanted me to visit him because he wants to see me. I'm glad to hear from him but I feel that since he left me, he should be the one to come and visit me. Also he is talking about wanting us to move with him once he becomes financially stable, which I'm no to sure about because he left at a horrible time and I have to remain at my home until I am in a more stable situation for my kids schooling and myself, if he had not chosen to leave we could've worked together and left together, I still want to be married and I do believe God is working on both of us but things have to be prioritized in our marriage.
Still confused. ...

 

[Hashe]

I would encourage you to find a good Christian counselor who can answer your questions and give some good advice.
Advice from randoms on the internet has some good and some bad with it!

 

[John_agape]

You know him, and there is obviously much more in your relationship than you could possibly say in a limited forum, but from what you have written there seems to be an element of control in his behavior.

People are controlling for two main reasons.
1. they are insecure and need the comfort of having some form of control in their lives. and
2. they are nasty and abusive individuals.

There is a whole spectrum in between, such as being insecure and pathologically enjoying the feeling power when they are abusive.

If the cause of the controlling behavior is insecurity then saying "Stop being controlling," will not help. You need to assure him he can feel safe in your relationship. This does take time, realistically it can take a few years before he has developed and matured into a state of good self-esteem. Here good Christian counseling is a great help. If this is the case, one could say that fixing this will fix your marriage.

If the cause of the controlling behavior is an abusive attitude and personality, then saying "Stop being controlling," will not help either. In this case he needs to be made aware of how his behavior is manipulative and abusively controlling. If he then realizes and accepts that he has a problem and wants to get help he needs to see a good psychologist who is experienced in abusive personalities.

If this is the case and he does not accept help then, for your future and for your children, you should avoid contact and sooner or later he will either come to his senses or divorce and move on. As Camarasaurus said, you need clear boundaries for yourself, for your mental and spiritual well-being.

Keeping a diary of his flips and flops can be helpful here to understand if he is controlling or not.

About the move. The decision should be made considering the family, not what is convenient for him.

Wanting you to visit him does sound a bit of a controlling move. You and the children traveling to visit him is not as simple as him traveling alone to visit you and the children.

Have you read about Attachment Disorder? This is something that happens in the first 2 years of a child's life, but if the child is not attached to its parent by then, problems can develop later. The results can be a lifelong inability to form healthy attachments. Many adults who have not been attached as infants develop a sub-clinical sort of attachment problem. Look at the list of symptoms and see if he has some of them.

 

[John_agape]

Just a thought about the move to another state. The job he talked about is not the kind of job he has to be in one place, or one state to get. He can try and get that same kind of job near you. Truck drivers are employed in other states than the one he currently lives in.

If you move away from an area you know, with people you know, to an area far away where you don't know anybody and do not have family and friends to support you, then you will put yourself and your children in a vulnerable and isolated position.

Be careful of that. He is not behaving normally or reasonable, and does seem controlling.

To move is stressful, for you and your children. If you are in a good church at the moment with supportive Christan friends that is very important in your present situation.

To find a new church, in a new community, where you need to establish contacts, can be stressful. Maybe you need to visit a few churches before you find one with a congregation that fits your Christian and social needs. that will put an added stress on you.

It seems to me from what you have written, that it is unreasonably and irresponsibly selfish for him to expect you to follow him.

 

[Angela53510]

Please do not make any moves or give into his bizarre manipulative behaviour, or you may walk into a lot more trouble than you have now.

I would suggest that you really don't know what is going on with this man at all. He could be mentally ill, in an adulterous relationship, highly immature, or owe large sums of money, or a thousand other things, that have caused him to leave you out of his life. And you are having a number done on you.

For the sake of the children and yourself, do not get back together with him until you sort out exactly what the truth is, and that he has not only changed, but will never play these mind games on you.

And don't blame yourself. This is not what Paul envisioned when he told husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Praying you get some answers, and don't take him back just to save the marriage. This is just too suspicious to me!