my marriage isn't changing its getting worse

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
Silverwings

Silverwings

Senior Member
#41
Jul 27, 2016
1,368
500
83
#41
Even though it affects you, please understand that men don't watch it because there is a deficiency with you. You could be THE most beautiful woman God EVER created, and the addiction would still be taking hold.
Click to expand...
This is for sure the absolute truth. My daughter married a "boy" who was addicted even though she had no knowledge of this beforehand. She was a very beautiful young woman with everything going for her except for this relationship, which she ended pretty quickly but not before the enemy could tempt her with suicide, which Praise God the Holy Spirit was able to bring her thru this very dark time in her life. It affects the womans concept of who she is as a woman, in real hurtful way. It still hurts me to even think about what my daughter went thru with this guy, but she made it out and is in a good relationship now, with no threats against her personhood. I urge you to act on this asap, you deserve so much better.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#42
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#42
blue_ladybug said:
If it's everyday neglect, to the point where he doesn't talk to, answer, look at or acknowledge her, then that is called withholding affection which to some people, CAN feel like abuse. Abuse takes many forms, it isn't always physical or sexual.. She's already said he ignores her all the time, in favor of viewing his porn. Would YOU want to live with someone who totally ignores you and doesn't even acknowledge that you're in the same room with them? Or would be content with that and say "ok he's watching porn and I shouldn't interrupt him right now"? The wife is basically being treated like a doormat and she doesn't like it and is not okay with it. I'm not trigger happy for divorce, but I don't believe that a marriage can survive if only one party is trying and the other has given up on it and refuses help from God and counselors. Sorry, but I ain't gonna tell her, "sorry honey but you need to be miserable in this the rest of your life". :/
Click to expand...
Post 38 I point to how a person in any addiction is usually embarrassed, hence why try hiding it. When someone begins, it's hard to get out because of that new sense of pleasure they are getting. Is it wrong? Obviously. But it creates a chemical dependency that doesn't make the person aware of what's going on. I never knew how bad I was addicted to food until I saw what it was doing to my wallet and my health. I never knew how bad I was addicted to porn until I realized I couldn't fall asleep without watching it. A person is so deep they lose sight of reality. Cases of addiction are different than cases of abuse because addiction it's the addict that needs help. Most of the time, he or she doesn't know what's going. That's why interventions are important. That's why not being trigger happy for divorce is important. That's why support, encouragement, offering to go with person to get help is important. There are two victims. Yes the wife is being treated horribly. But that doesn't mean pack up and quit just because life is tough right now. We only have one post, and there is unfortunately a lot of assuming going on, when that's not helping the situation. What makes it different from abuse is the one being abuse needs to leave or else she (or he) is going to be dead. Situations like this can be salvageable.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#43
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#43
blue_ladybug said:
He doesn't WANT help. He wants his nekkid women porn pictures. Kinda hard to encourage and support THAT, Einstein..lol
Click to expand...
Well of course not. He's in an addiction and doesn't realize how bad it is. It's no different than any addiction. But that doesn't mean pack up and leave. We only have one post, after all. You're assuming too many things when we don't know the details. I'm speaking from experience, having been through it and seen it in CR from folks that have struggled and are struggling with porn.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#44
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
113
#44
jsr1221 said:
Post 38 I point to how a person in any addiction is usually embarrassed, hence why try hiding it. When someone begins, it's hard to get out because of that new sense of pleasure they are getting. Is it wrong? Obviously. But it creates a chemical dependency that doesn't make the person aware of what's going on. I never knew how bad I was addicted to food until I saw what it was doing to my wallet and my health. I never knew how bad I was addicted to porn until I realized I couldn't fall asleep without watching it. A person is so deep they lose sight of reality. Cases of addiction are different than cases of abuse because addiction it's the addict that needs help. Most of the time, he or she doesn't know what's going. That's why interventions are important. That's why not being trigger happy for divorce is important. That's why support, encouragement, offering to go with person to get help is important. There are two victims. Yes the wife is being treated horribly. But that doesn't mean pack up and quit just because life is tough right now. We only have one post, and there is unfortunately a lot of assuming going on, when that's not helping the situation. What makes it different from abuse is the one being abuse needs to leave or else she (or he) is going to be dead. Situations like this can be salvageable.
Click to expand...
But what if he doesn't want help? Or support or encouragement? He's not even trying to hide it from her, he does it right in front of her, obviously, since she knows all about it. But back to my question: how do you help someone who doesn't WANT help? He has to want the help, if this marriage is gonna make it through.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#45
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#45
blue_ladybug said:
But what if he doesn't want help? Or support or encouragement? He's not even trying to hide it from her, he does it right in front of her, obviously, since she knows all about it. But back to my question: how do you help someone who doesn't WANT help? He has to want the help, if this marriage is gonna make it through.
Click to expand...
The support and encouragement comes after when one realizes he or she is powerless over the addiction. As far as getting the person to get help, the Bible talks about bringing others to confront the one in sin before bringing it to the church. That's just one type of intervention.
 
Last edited:
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#46
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
113
#46
jsr1221 said:
Well of course not. He's in an addiction and doesn't realize how bad it is. It's no different than any addiction. But that doesn't mean pack up and leave. We only have one post, after all. You're assuming too many things when we don't know the details. I'm speaking from experience, having been through it and seen it in CR from folks that have struggled and are struggling with porn.
Click to expand...
Well then maybe YOU should go counsel him and tell him to stop neglecting his wife and marriage.. He's only going to break the addiction IF he's willing to get help and counseling.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#47
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
9,699
113
#47
jsr1221 said:
The support and encouragement comes after when realizes he or she is powerless over the addiction. As far as getting the person to get help, the Bible talks about bringing others to confront the one in sin before bringing it to the church. That's just one type of intervention.
Click to expand...
And if he refuses to see/ admit that he has a problem? You can't tie him to a chair and do an intervention on him. Either he's willing to talk about it or he will refuse. You can't just bash him over the head with an intervention.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#48
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#48
blue_ladybug said:
Well then maybe YOU should go counsel him and tell him to stop neglecting his wife and marriage.. He's only going to break the addiction IF he's willing to get help and counseling.
Click to expand...
That last sentence I agree 100 percent with. If he doesn't want to try to get over it, then yes. Maybe the wife should leave. But I just get a sense there's still a lot to be done. I've just seen and heard too many of the same stories.
 
S

Steffanny

Guest
#49
#49
So heart breaking. Prayers for your family.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#50
#50
blue_ladybug said:
Would you rather I tell them to stay and work it out, even if the other spouse isn't willing to put any effort into trying? A one-sided marriage WILL fail if only ONE spouse is willing to stick it out, but the other has already said goodbye.. God will not help someone who refuses His help. God won't force this husband into stopping his behavior. This husband seems content to continue living how he's living, doesn't seem to want to change, or work things out OR want help from ANYONE including God. Until or unless he wants to change, this marriage will only get worse. Yes, God hates divorce, BUT he ALWAYS uses it to bring something better to these people. :) I'm NOT going to advise her to stay and get ignored and treated like dirt.
Click to expand...
At the very least, I wish we'd all keep remembering we're only hearing one side of the story.

I knew a woman whose husband went out drinking every weekend, worked hard at ignoring her every evening, and beat her up about once every other month. That's the story she would tell, and it was the truth.

His side of the story is he came home to a woman every single night, who screamed at him in his personal space, shoved him around, taunted him constantly to hit her, beat up the kids when that didn't work, and then go into a "they made me do it" martyr complex. What would you do with her as a wife? What would you do with him as a husband? We only get one side of the story, and it's always the victim's side.

Sadly, I know the kids the most, (who aren't kids anymore.) Their side of the story includes incest from both parents. THAT is the side of the story neither spouse would ever admit.

(BTW, one of our sisters on this site does have a one-sided marriage, but God has gifted her to stay.)

How about we not give advice? We're being used and it doesn't help anyone's marriage. You've been here longer than I. Have you ever seen someone's marriage change from the advice given on here? I haven't, but I've only been around for a little over a year.
 
N

niki10

Guest
#51
#51
I am still so new to CC and have to say I'm touched how thoughtful you all are to members seeking advice. It just confirms that I'm in the right p!ace. But if I could just share something to think about...and all of us and all marriages are certainly different... My ex walked out twice leaving me with our two children. My mom wanted me to get an attorney. So did my best friends. My boss to!d me to take time off and get a divorce. Even some at church encouraged me to take control and get a divorce. U!timately this may have been in the cards no matter what, and everyone meant well, but I've seen several marriages saved when friends chose to drop to their knees instead of cal!ing an attorney. It is certainly the harder choice but in the end I think it would have been better for me anyway. There's a reason God calls divorce violent.
 
R

RBA238

Guest
#52
#52
JosephsDreams said:
I gave you a like LB, because your post had good advice up until the end, but my Lord, do you have to advise almost every single person with marital issues to divorce now or at some point? Can't you just let it go unsaid sometimes?
Don't you think she already realizes where this may end up?
All the doom and gloom.
I have a suspicion you were never on the team cheerleader squad,
I am serious with these next questions, do you at least sometimes pray before you advise people about these sort of things?
Are you mad at any men, or the institution of marriage itself??
Click to expand...
I'm learning from others what an issue this is within a Marriage..I'm not a Dr. PHIL, I Wish those affected all the best...
 
J

JosiahUntoTheChrist

Guest
#53
#53
There are principalities and powers at work, I know this and feel them working. God is for you, He is for us, He is forever the greatest. I never want to be this kind of man to the wife God gives me. Lord we need to pray and put our families in check before boys grow into men. I still feel like a boy but as much as the Joy of the Lord is my strength I must make the righteousness and Holiness God my home.. Pray for the men around, openly pray with them those with your family and pray quietly in a humble and loving manner.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.