My wife has admitted to cheating on me.

[MadParrotWoman]

Given the additional information you supplied I feel it is even more workable. I still think counselling is the way to go because every hurt and bitterness will be brought out into the open. It will be difficult but ultimately worth it. Please don't blame yourself, yes you could have complimented her more and perhaps been more attentive but these are not good enough reasons for a woman of God to embark on an affair.
You have had a "wake-up call" never to take your wife for granted because love needs to be fed - even familiar love. I feel positive though because she has been honest and frank with you and you are trying to understand too - all positives. I am going to be praying for you.

 

[DiscipleDave]

My wife has admitted she has had an affair for past month, she said she cares for him, but also said she came back to try and repair our marriage, I said I am willing to forgive her and try to reconcile our marriage because I believe if we just give up things will not be any better, am I foolish to be thinking like this, I have prayed and sought out God for answers, any words of advice would be greatly appreciated, just because I said I would forgive does not mean I still don't feel pain. Sorry this is how my first post has to be.

need more information. Are you a Christian? Is she a Christian? If she is not a Christian and you are a Christian, then my advise is for you to let her go, for what fellowship hath light with darkness? NONE.
If both of you are Christian and you can forgive her for what she has done, then by all means try to salvage the marriage. Your main problem though is not your forgiving her, but your main problem is WHY she did it in the first place. If this problem is not fixed, then it will happen again. Once a cheater always a cheater, UNLESS you can fix the problem that caused the cheating in the first place. if the problem is not repaired, the problem still remains. So even though you forgive her, the problem is still there.
Also, how badly does she want to remain in this marriage? If she is truly repentant, and Truly feels sorry for what she has done, then she should not be unwilling to let you know at all times where she is going, and where she has been. She should not be upset with you being suspicious of her activities, because what she has done. Trust is not automatic, if she realizes that you are not going to trust her for a very long time, then it may work. BUT if she stays with you and your always fighting about trust issues, then it is never going to work out between the two of you. She has messed up, and needs to realize that you are not going to trust her for a long time. If she is mad or upset that you don't trust her, then let her go immediately.

^i^

 

[DiscipleDave]

Thank you for your advice, I will give more to this story, yes we have 5 children the youngest being 10 and the oldest 23, she has said I never paid attention to her and that the breaking point was when I said I would not change for her and not quit drinking, I bought her a promise ring on Christmas day with 3 diamonds signifying my vow that I would quit drinking and start to be a better man, the 3 diamonds represent me, her and God. At the time she did not believe I would change and pursued the affair, the man who wooed her told her things she said I would never say, like how beautiful she was and that she deserved better, and that led to them being intimate with each other. She would not come home for a couple days so I phoned her and told her that I was sorry for everything and wanted to make this marriage work.

So she came home and we talked that night, then in the morning she confessed to what she did, she has since told me she was sorry for what she did to me, I told her still I was willing to try to forgive and we would leave it in Gods hands. I said just because I am willing to forgive does not mean I am not going to feel the pain of what she has done to me. I may be the stupidest man on earth for even trying to keep this going but like I said the misery would never stop if we split apart because there would be no real winners in the end. I pushed her away not realizing what I had and neglecting her thinking it was ok, but I found out too late that it was too late, the damage was done. I still do desire change and be more a Godly man, she has been a Christian woman for well over a decade now, she has prayed for me, but it took us going to the brink of destruction for me to consider change that otherwise no other way would have worked. I do honestly want this to work but I don't know if it will or not, she has stated she wants to re-commit to our marriage and give it a chance, I just pray for strength to make it happen. I ask you for your prayers and thank you.


PS. Yes we have just finished watching fireproof.

Thanks for the additional information. Both of you are Christian, that is awesome. Yes try to work it out. Get counseling for sure, make sure that counselor is Christian based, not worldly based. If you want your marriage to work, do this.
As i said before, even though you get back together and forgive her, the problem is still there, and it is most defiantly more that she is saying to you. This problem caused a Christian woman to commit adultery against God, The problem may be YOU, the problem may be HER, but if the problem is not fixed, neither will the marriage be fixed. get counseling, your marriage is worth the cost of it.

^i^

 

[Karraster]

I wish you a long and happy marriage.No union between a man and woman is without trials, and seldom is it a one sided deal, for we all fall short at times. It's when you love each other like you are worth, instead of loving each other based on how we deserve, it becomes a Godly love. He says we are worth many sparrows and gave His own Son..

Then there's the children. Children live in such a cruel world as it is, to saddle them with worry over whether Dad and Mom are even going to stay together? It ought not be a thing they have to worry about, and divorce harms into future relationships for all who are affected by it. I pray our Heavenly Father keeps your whole family close together and you remain in His love, reflecting that same forgiveness He gives to us. Leave a legacy of love and it will reap rewards you've no idea yet. Peace and blessings friend.

 

[SnowyRiver]

I love this woman and she is burdened with guilt by what she has done. I will do this my way, what is life without forgiveness, is this not what Jesus does day in and day out when we sin, he loves us enough to forgive, I know most marriages shatter when one has an affair. But I am looking to be the one of the few that proves them wrong and come out of this with a stronger relationship than ever before. Please pray for us and wish us well. Thank you.

 

[Sirk]

Andy Stanley has a great sermon series called...yup...you guessed it...."Starting Over". It is really good and I am sure there is something in there that can be of use to you in your circumstance.

 

[fdpa24]

Amen!... there is nothing wrong with what you are saying and it ok to feel hurt but remember Jesus can heal that to But I do encourage you to get marriage councling .... and you to talk to your pastor and your wife to His wife beacuse there are some things women understand better then us men

 

[fdpa24]

Sorry was trying to say not that men don't understand but women understand women better at times and some of there needs better then we do.. just like men understand mends needs better...

 

[SnowyRiver]

I have been referred to a counsellor that bases his counselling from a biblical foundation, I will not to to one who does not believe in the faith.

 

[secularhermit]

The moment any man knows what being cheated on is, he acts the best way (like Moses)

 

[SnowyRiver]

UPDATE: I wish I had good news but my wife has left me for a 3rd time admitting she does not hold any hope or desire for rebuilding our marriage, her heart has turned cold to me and said she hates me for not paying attention to her sooner, I am planning on beginning divorce proceedings which I do with a heavy heart, I would prefer it if she is to see other men I don't want her married to me if that's her intent. I pray to Jesus that he comfort me during the darkest period of my life and not have me fall into any old addictions to cope with the loss.

 

[Dan58]

UPDATE: I wish I had good news but my wife has left me for a 3rd time admitting she does not hold any hope or desire for rebuilding our marriage, her heart has turned cold to me and said she hates me for not paying attention to her sooner, I am planning on beginning divorce proceedings which I do with a heavy heart, I would prefer it if she is to see other men I don't want her married to me if that's her intent. I pray to Jesus that he comfort me during the darkest period of my life and not have me fall into any old addictions to cope with the loss.

Well, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you tried, but it takes two... I personally would have dumped her the moment she cheated on me. Your better off without a two-timer. Who needs that anxiety? Life is just too short. God made an allowance for divorce because of people like your wife. She broke her vow and can't be trusted. The excuse of "I needed more attention" is bologna. Enjoy your freedom, and be glad that your dumping a cheater, not a mate. jmo

 

[SnowyRiver]

And what am I to do if she becomes truly repentant? Do I take her back only if she knows that will not trust her for a very long time. I still keep the kids right now and we have a grandchild, do I still let her see her grandchild and have her in my presence despite all the pain and lies between us. She is currently staying with her cousin, I realized I had become very needy towards her because she had always take care of me, now that she is gone I am just focusing on keeping going and try to perform my work despite the pain I feel inside, I am trying to keep my mind off it for the time being and laugh when I can. I carry a wounded heart and just trying to make it to my days off so I can properly grieve over the decision to end our 16 years together.

 

[Sirk]

You need to let yourself mourn. I don't mean give up. I mean, stay in your personal pain, process it, put dialogue on it. It's difficult I know but there are no short cuts thru pain that will allow you to learn the lesson God is trying to teach you. What I am saying is that the seeds of your current circumstance were planted long ago.

 

[SnowyRiver]

And while she is most likely having affair, where do I get my needs met? I don't want to be an adulterer, she was the one I gave my body to. So many questions sorry I am emotional right now

 

[tourist]

Without trust there is no basis for a relationship. Your most pressing need at this moment is to have a certain measure of healing. Sirk is correct in that you need to grieve your lost. Please don't do anything rash as two wrongs don't make a right. First things first. Experience healing, reflect on what brought you to the emotional place that you are in, formulate a plan and then move boldly forward. It is horrible what your wife has done to you but it does not have to destroy you as well.

 

[Sirk]

And while she is most likely having affair, where do I get my needs met? I don't want to be an adulterer, she was the one I gave my body to. So many questions sorry I am emotional right now

I know man. The struggles are many. Good friends is where you need to go for fellowship and good input. find ways to stay connected to people. Your heart is torn in two. I know. I feel you bro. You are probably incredibly insecure right now. It's okay to hurt. Let yourself feel it. Own it. Your pain is yours and yours alone. I hope I don't sound non empathetic. I just know that for me I had to be a man for that wounded little boy that was inside me.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

And while she is most likely having affair, where do I get my needs met? I don't want to be an adulterer, she was the one I gave my body to. So many questions sorry I am emotional right now

My heart breaks for you, really I can feel your pain and your emotion is evident in your posts. I'm so sorry you are in this pain right now.

Some great advice here already given. You don't need to be making big decisions right now, give yourself time to grieve and to adjust. Your wife is making excuses for her behaviour by trying to pass some of the blame back to you, don't take any of it on board. Whether or not you take her back is your decision alone.

Regarding getting "your needs met" I would not advise you to embark on a new relationship until you begin to heal. I would say that is for the future.

 

[Sirk]

Now is when you get to offer your body as a living sacrifice. It's the hardest thing to do but just take it one little victory at a time.

 

[tourist]

Do not accept that you have a choice to divorce her for her adultery. You do not have that choice in Christ. The teaching that Jesus allows divorce for adultery is antichrist.
The NT tells us to be tenderhearted, forgiving one another. That is what divorce is not: it is not forgiving. A hard heart and not forgiving go hand in hand. Remember how Jesus said Moses allowed divorce for the hardness of their hearts? Well, he was speaking truth. If you divorce, you are manifesting a hard heart.
If your marriage was lawful to begin with then you are bound to each other until one of you is dead. Like Adam and Eve.
If your marriage is adultery by virtue that at least one of you is divorced and a former lawful spouse is still alive, then you should not be together in the first place.

Adultery is definitely biblical grounds for a divorce and frees the offended party to remarry without sinful ramifications. That is just the way that it is as stated and implied in the bible.