For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places Equesians 6:12. See it's not even about us, Its about how much control we let Satan have over us. Something caused you to smack your wife and you probably don't even know why. Now something is causing your wife to want to devorce you without the thought of forgiveness. I know of a couple that were so uncordinated and they were always putting each other down. Then they got marriage conceling thourgh a Christian counceler and it is like a mirracle they are completely different and they love each other. I could tell you that I think this is the way it is or that is the way it is. But the truth is you probably let the powers of darkness take over instead of putting Christ in the center.
-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
J
We all sin and need grace so I don't want to come off as self righteous. The central question is what would God have you do? God only allows divorce for the hardness of our hearts as a result of unfaithfulness--nothing else. Even then His preference is reconciliation. At this point until the divorce is final you are to be Christ to your wife just like Hosea was called on by God.
Being one flesh is not an excuse to remain in physical harm. Having been slapped three times it is understandable that she pulled away. Her words might have been the same as hitting for you on an emotional level but the physical act of hitting is both physical and emotional and for most women it is not a situation they can participate in on equal footing with.
Raeshelle is spot on. Regardless of what your wife does, if you repented you are commiting to turn from your action and turn 180 degrees from your previous pattern of behavior. Whatever it takes to change from acting out the anger needs to be something you commit to--counseling, walking away etc. Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the Church. Die to yourself.
There are conversations I just don't have with my wife when emotions are high. In my line of work I eliminate threats with extreme violence. So, I just cannot have intense conversations with my wife because is would not be healthy for either of us. It is just like some people cannot drink or get on the computer because the temptation or ability to stay out of difficult or compromising situations. I have to back off and so does she so that we can talk calmly. Sometimes, I have had to leave for awhile.
Get yourself right with God. Then, if your wife is not hardening her heart to the point of cutting off all communication I would ask her what it would take to win her back and make her feel like the most important women who lived. The passion you had in winning her should pale incomparison to the passion you need to redeme your marriage because it will be Christ's passion. There is still no gaurantee. Pray and fast.
Just some thoughts.
Being one flesh is not an excuse to remain in physical harm. Having been slapped three times it is understandable that she pulled away. Her words might have been the same as hitting for you on an emotional level but the physical act of hitting is both physical and emotional and for most women it is not a situation they can participate in on equal footing with.
Raeshelle is spot on. Regardless of what your wife does, if you repented you are commiting to turn from your action and turn 180 degrees from your previous pattern of behavior. Whatever it takes to change from acting out the anger needs to be something you commit to--counseling, walking away etc. Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the Church. Die to yourself.
There are conversations I just don't have with my wife when emotions are high. In my line of work I eliminate threats with extreme violence. So, I just cannot have intense conversations with my wife because is would not be healthy for either of us. It is just like some people cannot drink or get on the computer because the temptation or ability to stay out of difficult or compromising situations. I have to back off and so does she so that we can talk calmly. Sometimes, I have had to leave for awhile.
Get yourself right with God. Then, if your wife is not hardening her heart to the point of cutting off all communication I would ask her what it would take to win her back and make her feel like the most important women who lived. The passion you had in winning her should pale incomparison to the passion you need to redeme your marriage because it will be Christ's passion. There is still no gaurantee. Pray and fast.
Just some thoughts.
Guys, you've been so focused on the slapping you missed out on the fact that she is potentially cheating on him, maybe not physically but emotionally. This is most certainly distressing, I have been through his before, although I didn't get married. Pray and fast, friend, we hope this comes to a happy end and that her heart is transformed. It will not be easy though because sin is only a symptom of a deeper issue and even if she does repent from this it may not completely prevent her from emotionally cheating. It's also going to be difficult if anytime something bad happens she tries to run into someone else.
Also, when something like slapping or any type of reaction happens it's usually a reaction to something that happens, before you pass judgment on anyone make sure you get the full story or else you will end up judging too harshly. I've lived with people who played the victim even when they were guilty, and when anyone reacted to their antics they made the actual victim look like the aggressor. Like I said guys, get the whole story first.
E
Hy everyone....I was surprised to realize that I am the "VIP" of this chat discussion.....
I am the "monster" that my ex-husband described here..
Oh...my dear christian friend...don't make comments if you don't have the all picture...
My "love" I am not surprised by your words because I heard from you another words worst...
Why are you lying?
The true story is deeper...I was growing up in a family in which my father abused my mother almost every day...and I lived a kind of trauma...When I met Cosmin I told him about it and he promised he will never hit me...and he did it...
I loved him....I adored him...I made a lot of sacrifice and love proof ..day and night...
I didn't support you? You lost money and we didn't have money even for food so I cried and you accuse me of that just because I couldn't laugh and thank you for the situation...?
I accepted you without beauty...without money when I met you because I loved you...so don't accuse me of not supporting you...
I want to be in control? I am a big mouth? I cheat on you?
Why you don't tell to everybody that i am not aloud to have friends that are not women...that you told me bad words ...
Here you are such a christian....but in reality..
You just whant to find some person to agree with you in order not to feel quilty...
But I don't need that because I know that this divorce is the best way that God chosed for me in order to escape from this nightmare....
You distroyed all my dreams..you made me believe that I'll never be qith someone that can't hit me..
I don't love you...ho can judge me?
If you lived what I lived...you can't judge...
So....my dear husband...we'll see in judge room cause I suffered too much...
I cried and you watched me laughing....
I was suffering and you didn't care and now...you whant me to believe you're changed...
I don't...
Just leave me alone and please...in the name of Jesus..don't lie about me like here...cause I loved you and I don't deserve this...
I hope someday...this life will make me smile again...
I am the "monster" that my ex-husband described here..
Oh...my dear christian friend...don't make comments if you don't have the all picture...
My "love" I am not surprised by your words because I heard from you another words worst...
Why are you lying?
The true story is deeper...I was growing up in a family in which my father abused my mother almost every day...and I lived a kind of trauma...When I met Cosmin I told him about it and he promised he will never hit me...and he did it...
I loved him....I adored him...I made a lot of sacrifice and love proof ..day and night...
I didn't support you? You lost money and we didn't have money even for food so I cried and you accuse me of that just because I couldn't laugh and thank you for the situation...?
I accepted you without beauty...without money when I met you because I loved you...so don't accuse me of not supporting you...
I want to be in control? I am a big mouth? I cheat on you?
Why you don't tell to everybody that i am not aloud to have friends that are not women...that you told me bad words ...
Here you are such a christian....but in reality..
You just whant to find some person to agree with you in order not to feel quilty...
But I don't need that because I know that this divorce is the best way that God chosed for me in order to escape from this nightmare....
You distroyed all my dreams..you made me believe that I'll never be qith someone that can't hit me..
I don't love you...ho can judge me?
If you lived what I lived...you can't judge...
So....my dear husband...we'll see in judge room cause I suffered too much...
I cried and you watched me laughing....
I was suffering and you didn't care and now...you whant me to believe you're changed...
I don't...
Just leave me alone and please...in the name of Jesus..don't lie about me like here...cause I loved you and I don't deserve this...
I hope someday...this life will make me smile again...
Last edited by a moderator:
Kevin, She wants a new life because the life you promised to give her before God and man is not what you are now providing. Personally, if you hit me on three different occasions, I would suggest you don't fall asleep in my house. But that is just me, and I have been called the b word on a few occasions. What a shock!
K
Honey... i admit that i was wrong...that i destroyed your dreams about family...that i hurt you like nobody else ever did..
I have said a lot in this dicutions... bottom line is: In time of our marriage i had apart from God...I didn't.t had my relation with God as i used to have... and that's why i was able to act and do stuff that i did...I thing that every special thing that you saw in me when we got married cammed from God...what was from me, was just dreams of what i would like to be...but only God could give that power to love like i dreamed to love you.
I confess before God, before you and before all this people that i was bad to you...
And i want to receive this divorce and this pain as a puneshment...as a cause for what i was...what a man soars that is what he will harvest.
But, now...i'm confused...i will like to set you free to agree with the divorce and i consider that is the best or at least the last thing i could do for you...
But, God is working into my heart...i have repented...and i feel that God is giving me love for you again, because i have to admit that i started to loose my love for you...my passion... but now i received Christ love that covers all thing, that sacrifices everything....
Please pray on it..don't rush thing...wait for God...let us forget and let our thing apart and lets start making our relation with God work.... because i don't want each of us fall apart from God anymore....because we are in great danger...
You know what i regret more...that we didn't went for counseling when we had problems...i regret that we kept all those things just between us...
I love you my wife!!!
I have said a lot in this dicutions... bottom line is: In time of our marriage i had apart from God...I didn't.t had my relation with God as i used to have... and that's why i was able to act and do stuff that i did...I thing that every special thing that you saw in me when we got married cammed from God...what was from me, was just dreams of what i would like to be...but only God could give that power to love like i dreamed to love you.
I confess before God, before you and before all this people that i was bad to you...
And i want to receive this divorce and this pain as a puneshment...as a cause for what i was...what a man soars that is what he will harvest.
But, now...i'm confused...i will like to set you free to agree with the divorce and i consider that is the best or at least the last thing i could do for you...
But, God is working into my heart...i have repented...and i feel that God is giving me love for you again, because i have to admit that i started to loose my love for you...my passion... but now i received Christ love that covers all thing, that sacrifices everything....
Please pray on it..don't rush thing...wait for God...let us forget and let our thing apart and lets start making our relation with God work.... because i don't want each of us fall apart from God anymore....because we are in great danger...
You know what i regret more...that we didn't went for counseling when we had problems...i regret that we kept all those things just between us...
I love you my wife!!!
Last edited by a moderator:
J
I apologize up front because this is not short. But I don't think this is time for half answers and I am passionate about not conceeding Christianity to modern values. I will speak bluntly but hopefully with respect.
Brother, you have a lot of work. There is a great deal going on--layers of hurt and guilt. Truthfully none of us know the whole story and honestly all the specific details don't need to be aired out here. We can edit our stories and comments to craft any story we want. I don't want you defending yourself and blaming your wife or vice versa. That just leads to more pain and mistrust. So, I am taking your request for help at face value. Your request does not apply to your wife. You cannot fix your wife only yourself especially now.
You came before us, a group of believers, and asked for help. You are a husband which makes you the leader in your home--fractured though it might be now. As a leader, who is seeking God's will, your path is simple. Submit to God's will. God does not want what He has joined to be separated. Even if divorce is allowed in cases of unfaithfulness, it is still not God's ideal will for your life.
You cannot control your wife's actions. You can only lay your life, as it is, before God and offer it prayerfully as a sacrifice. In dieing to yourself, it does not matter what your wife has done or, not done, at this point. You are the leader. You must lead by example. Swallow your pride. Your family, fractured as it is now, is your responsibility. Just as Christ came from heaven to earth and made Himself human to meet us where humanity was at, you must meet your wife where she is at--not trusting, hurt, looking for love, and safety.
You might have reason not to trust, you might be hurt. You are still the leader and you must lay your struggle down at the feet of the cross and ask Christ your saviour for strength so that you can be Christ to your wife.
While you are praying for strength, you pray for patience as well. Pray for a forgiving heart. Pray for wisdom and insight. In the Old Testament, Hosea, was betrayed by his wife--a prostitute. God did not let Hosea give up on his wife. At times he had buy his wife. I am not accusing your wife of anything one way or another. I am pointing out the great lengths God wants you to go to forgive. Hosea is a living metaphor for Israel's betrayal of God and God's continued desire to restore a broken relationship. Be Christ to your wife.
You cannot force this. That would make you a stalker. You must take what level of access she is willing to let you have and work within it to rebuild trust, little by little. Impatience, immaturity and anger got you where you are now. You are going to have to grow and mature and be patient if you have any chance at all.
I used to feed wild deer from my hand. It took months of patience. I began by putting bread and fruit in a field. Over time, I moved the bread and fruit closer. All the time I sat in the same spot. I did not move or shout. Eventually, the deer were coming to my feet. Then they took the bread from my hand. If at any point I had shouted or hit the deer they would not have come back. At this point your wife is the deer.
This is already going to be difficult because of language and cultural differences as well as the distance between you. God is your only hope.
Our modern culture will tell you that you have the right to be hurt and get a divorce. That right died at the cross. I will tell as plainly as I know how the modern view of what a man is and God's view is not the same. Man's law will allow all sorts of choices. God's does not--not if you are going to remain in His will. Leaders put the vulnerable first. Leaders protect. Leaders nurture. Leaders guide. Leaders listen. Leaders seek assistance when they need it. Leaders have the responsibility that comes with authority. You, brother, are a leader with a lot of work and not much time to focus on what is eternal.
Put your pride, anger, money, future, family, maturity before God. Be truthful with yourself and God. Without that little will happen. Ask God to help you understand yourself. Leaders know themselves and seek improvement. Pray in love for your wife that she might know love, peace and security. Pray that God protects her from rash decisions and that she has a believer who will walk and support her as she needs. If you cannot pray for her needs then ask God to help you see her needs.
And, EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE GUARANTEE ABOUT WHAT YOUR WIFE WILL DO, become on expert on what it takes to show her love. Study her and learn her likes and dislikes fears, weaknesses, strengths and joys? Does she like espresso in the morning and how does she like it? Is she afraid of betrayal? When she is angry does she just need someone to listen or someone to help calm her down? When she is sad does she want time alone or a hug? Does she like sunset on the beach or a walk in the woods? Would she rather you take out the trash or give her a flower? Does she want a conversation with you or for you to join her in doing something she enjoys doing? Is she a morning person or a night owl? I could go on and you should. Until the day the divorce is final work on your marriage. Even then if she has not cut you off from talking to her don't give up.
The Church has a divorce rate similar to the rest of the secular world and in many cases worse than other large religions. We accept non-Christ like action as okay. Kevin, my challenge to you is to accept your role as a leader and not give-up. Pray, pray and pray. Now, is not the time to blame your wife. When some measure of trust is restored, you can work together on other issues. Get a counselor who is Christian and can work with you on working in faith toward reconciliation.
Brother, you have a lot of work. There is a great deal going on--layers of hurt and guilt. Truthfully none of us know the whole story and honestly all the specific details don't need to be aired out here. We can edit our stories and comments to craft any story we want. I don't want you defending yourself and blaming your wife or vice versa. That just leads to more pain and mistrust. So, I am taking your request for help at face value. Your request does not apply to your wife. You cannot fix your wife only yourself especially now.
You came before us, a group of believers, and asked for help. You are a husband which makes you the leader in your home--fractured though it might be now. As a leader, who is seeking God's will, your path is simple. Submit to God's will. God does not want what He has joined to be separated. Even if divorce is allowed in cases of unfaithfulness, it is still not God's ideal will for your life.
You cannot control your wife's actions. You can only lay your life, as it is, before God and offer it prayerfully as a sacrifice. In dieing to yourself, it does not matter what your wife has done or, not done, at this point. You are the leader. You must lead by example. Swallow your pride. Your family, fractured as it is now, is your responsibility. Just as Christ came from heaven to earth and made Himself human to meet us where humanity was at, you must meet your wife where she is at--not trusting, hurt, looking for love, and safety.
You might have reason not to trust, you might be hurt. You are still the leader and you must lay your struggle down at the feet of the cross and ask Christ your saviour for strength so that you can be Christ to your wife.
While you are praying for strength, you pray for patience as well. Pray for a forgiving heart. Pray for wisdom and insight. In the Old Testament, Hosea, was betrayed by his wife--a prostitute. God did not let Hosea give up on his wife. At times he had buy his wife. I am not accusing your wife of anything one way or another. I am pointing out the great lengths God wants you to go to forgive. Hosea is a living metaphor for Israel's betrayal of God and God's continued desire to restore a broken relationship. Be Christ to your wife.
You cannot force this. That would make you a stalker. You must take what level of access she is willing to let you have and work within it to rebuild trust, little by little. Impatience, immaturity and anger got you where you are now. You are going to have to grow and mature and be patient if you have any chance at all.
I used to feed wild deer from my hand. It took months of patience. I began by putting bread and fruit in a field. Over time, I moved the bread and fruit closer. All the time I sat in the same spot. I did not move or shout. Eventually, the deer were coming to my feet. Then they took the bread from my hand. If at any point I had shouted or hit the deer they would not have come back. At this point your wife is the deer.
This is already going to be difficult because of language and cultural differences as well as the distance between you. God is your only hope.
Our modern culture will tell you that you have the right to be hurt and get a divorce. That right died at the cross. I will tell as plainly as I know how the modern view of what a man is and God's view is not the same. Man's law will allow all sorts of choices. God's does not--not if you are going to remain in His will. Leaders put the vulnerable first. Leaders protect. Leaders nurture. Leaders guide. Leaders listen. Leaders seek assistance when they need it. Leaders have the responsibility that comes with authority. You, brother, are a leader with a lot of work and not much time to focus on what is eternal.
Put your pride, anger, money, future, family, maturity before God. Be truthful with yourself and God. Without that little will happen. Ask God to help you understand yourself. Leaders know themselves and seek improvement. Pray in love for your wife that she might know love, peace and security. Pray that God protects her from rash decisions and that she has a believer who will walk and support her as she needs. If you cannot pray for her needs then ask God to help you see her needs.
And, EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE GUARANTEE ABOUT WHAT YOUR WIFE WILL DO, become on expert on what it takes to show her love. Study her and learn her likes and dislikes fears, weaknesses, strengths and joys? Does she like espresso in the morning and how does she like it? Is she afraid of betrayal? When she is angry does she just need someone to listen or someone to help calm her down? When she is sad does she want time alone or a hug? Does she like sunset on the beach or a walk in the woods? Would she rather you take out the trash or give her a flower? Does she want a conversation with you or for you to join her in doing something she enjoys doing? Is she a morning person or a night owl? I could go on and you should. Until the day the divorce is final work on your marriage. Even then if she has not cut you off from talking to her don't give up.
The Church has a divorce rate similar to the rest of the secular world and in many cases worse than other large religions. We accept non-Christ like action as okay. Kevin, my challenge to you is to accept your role as a leader and not give-up. Pray, pray and pray. Now, is not the time to blame your wife. When some measure of trust is restored, you can work together on other issues. Get a counselor who is Christian and can work with you on working in faith toward reconciliation.
C
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to sound mean or anything Shrone, but at age 16 I don't think you really have an idea about what marriage is all about! It's hard work, no matter what you do! Being married isn't always moonshine and roses! It's got it's ups and downs!
Yes, 3 slaps might sounds absolutely stupid to you, but thats not all there is to it! There's feelings, words, actions, things done and not done, etc. that leads to the decision to get divorced! I myself filed for divorce twice and my husband has never ever lifted a hand against me!
We all want the fairytale life, but life isn't a fairytale!
I don't want to sound mean or anything Shrone, but at age 16 I don't think you really have an idea about what marriage is all about! It's hard work, no matter what you do! Being married isn't always moonshine and roses! It's got it's ups and downs!
Yes, 3 slaps might sounds absolutely stupid to you, but thats not all there is to it! There's feelings, words, actions, things done and not done, etc. that leads to the decision to get divorced! I myself filed for divorce twice and my husband has never ever lifted a hand against me!
We all want the fairytale life, but life isn't a fairytale!
N
You know what they say 'bout opinions? "Opinions are like rectums....we all have one!" Not that opinions are bad, but opinions (made) outside the Word of God profit no one. Concerning the issue regarding the divorce....abuse (physically/mentally)...all that is covered within the pages of God's Word, yet no one gave the man the answer he truly sought, an answer com'n from the Word of God. If you don't have a Word for this man, why even respond? Especially if that word is com'n from opinions and not from the Word. Is he being consoled (comforted) by these "insights"? Does he see a glimmer of hope in the many responses given? Do any of you see any practical use for any of the advice given this person (out of personal opinions)? If not; maybe next time, consider the Word.....nChrist
S
naa its ok really.i have allready expected someone to go like "hey you are just 16.what the heck do you anything about marriage and all?...well i have parents who were married for 17 years and yea many times i have seen them fight and sometimes it even go physical but they never used the D-word in our family cos they know that God hates divorce.they both love each other and im happy i have Godly parents and someday i hope i find a guy just like my dad.....i know im not experienced about all this but i have Gods fear and wont divorce the guy i marry and i learnt that from my parents.you may say "well im happy it worked out for your parents"...but hey it will work out for anyone who is God fearing
J
Fair enough:
Jesus said in Matthew 19:5-9
5And said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? 6So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate). 7They said to Him, Why then did Moses command [us] to give a certificate of divorce and thus to dismiss and repudiate a wife? 8He said to them, Because of the hardness (stubbornness and perversity) of your hearts Moses permitted you to dismiss and repudiate and divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been so [ordained]. 9I say to you: whoever dismisses (repudiates, divorces) his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Jesus said in Matthew 19:5-9
5And said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? 6So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate). 7They said to Him, Why then did Moses command [us] to give a certificate of divorce and thus to dismiss and repudiate a wife? 8He said to them, Because of the hardness (stubbornness and perversity) of your hearts Moses permitted you to dismiss and repudiate and divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been so [ordained]. 9I say to you: whoever dismisses (repudiates, divorces) his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.