Need help trying to . . . I am not sure what I can do!!

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Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#1
While prayer is the answer to family (and other) problems, I still deal with the people in this one. I have no idea how!
I was widowed at 27. Ten years later, I married an old boyfriend from our teens after he had also been widowed. We each brought a teen girl and teen boy into that marriage. My two (I'll call them "D" for daughter and "S" for son) and his daughter (whom I will call SD) had peaceful tendencies, were good people, easy to get along with, and all claimed to be believers. His son (whom I will call SS), while very strongly claiming to be a believer, was their opposite. Just to state it succinctly, he was and is literally the most self-centered person I'd ever known -- narcissistic to the nth degree -- and he was especially mean to my children but not to SS (because she would have flattened him), and I learned in early 2020 that SS had abused S (not sexually at all), but S never told me and will not speak of it to this day. They all grew up, married, and had families, and they range in age from 45 to 51, SS being the eldest.

SS married a truly beautiful lady (whom I will call F). Before they married, I asked her 2-3 times, "Are you sure of this?" "Are you really sure??" She seemed very sure, and I had to accept that, realizing I could not chain her down. All I could do is tell her, "If he ever hurts you, you have to do something." I trembled, expecting him to abuse her.

As far as I know, SS never physically abused F but she had 20 years of mental and emotional anguish, as SS used her (financially and in other ways), berated her, embarrassed her, shamed her, and thought that it was his right. After 20 years, she'd had enough and locked him out of her house.

Now, SS is my husband's son, so I am as gentle about him as I can be, by prayer and disciplining myself and a lot of private tears. Furthermore, he lost his mother at a very critical time for him in his teens . . . well, what time is the right time to lose one's mother. He was apparently very spoiled and remains so, obviously, but they had their reasons -- he was very sickly and weak as a little one. But he is 50 years old, for good night! And he is a bully!! I asked F if he has ever physically hurt her and she said no. But I was reared by a very physically-abusive mother, and I would rather be knocked around than have to hear what he says! And at least Mother never used me except to take out her frustrations!

Oh, this tears me up! F deserved so much better, so much more. She is a great woman, but she has no clue of that!

At this point, I am leaving out a lot of details, because I am sick of writing about him. While I certainly will answer needed questions, at this time, I will only write these things:
1. He now has his eyes on another woman, whom we have met, he is doing his best to charm her, and it is working.
2. He is still working his poison on F, most of it in writing (!!!!), and she is a nervous wreck. I am very concerned about her resulting health, but she is strong and a believer.
3. He has their two adult daughters fooled.

ANY advice would be beneficial. I would like to ask F to become a member here, so she can see what you write, but I am not sure she would want to. She is so worn out. She is like a daughter to me, and I really love her.

I am very tired -- I haven't slept yet tonight, and it is nearly time to get up. I may not see any answers for a little while.

Thank you for caring. <3
 
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,956
113
#2
a terrible situation indeed, very sorry to hear about all of these troubles -
you sound like you need some good rest and a lot of love and cuddling...
prayers sent..
:):)
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#3
a terrible situation indeed, very sorry to hear about all of these troubles -
you sound like you need some good rest and a lot of love and cuddling...
prayers sent..
:):)
Oh, you are so sweet!! Thank you! (y)
The forums help, because sometimes I need to not think about it.
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
4,033
2,935
113
#4
"A lot to contemplate here. There comes a time when it is best to focus on our
own well being, as that being ultimately the one thing we can better manage
with proper discipline. And, over the years, I have learned the importance and
the significance of the Serenity Prayer."


th.jpg
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#5
"A lot to contemplate here. There comes a time when it is best to focus on our
own well being, as that being ultimately the one thing we can better manage
with proper discipline. And, over the years, I have learned the importance and
the significance of the Serenity Prayer."


View attachment 223656
Yes, yes!! As someone said, "I can't fix him."
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,543
2,110
113
#6
While prayer is the answer to family (and other) problems, I still deal with the people in this one. I have no idea how!
I was widowed at 27. Ten years later, I married an old boyfriend from our teens after he had also been widowed. We each brought a teen girl and teen boy into that marriage. My two (I'll call them "D" for daughter and "S" for son) and his daughter (whom I will call SD) had peaceful tendencies, were good people, easy to get along with, and all claimed to be believers. His son (whom I will call SS), while very strongly claiming to be a believer, was their opposite. Just to state it succinctly, he was and is literally the most self-centered person I'd ever known -- narcissistic to the nth degree -- and he was especially mean to my children but not to SS (because she would have flattened him), and I learned in early 2020 that SS had abused S (not sexually at all), but S never told me and will not speak of it to this day. They all grew up, married, and had families, and they range in age from 45 to 51, SS being the eldest.

SS married a truly beautiful lady (whom I will call F). Before they married, I asked her 2-3 times, "Are you sure of this?" "Are you really sure??" She seemed very sure, and I had to accept that, realizing I could not chain her down. All I could do is tell her, "If he ever hurts you, you have to do something." I trembled, expecting him to abuse her.

As far as I know, SS never physically abused F but she had 20 years of mental and emotional anguish, as SS used her (financially and in other ways), berated her, embarrassed her, shamed her, and thought that it was his right. After 20 years, she'd had enough and locked him out of her house.

Now, SS is my husband's son, so I am as gentle about him as I can be, by prayer and disciplining myself and a lot of private tears. Furthermore, he lost his mother at a very critical time for him in his teens . . . well, what time is the right time to lose one's mother. He was apparently very spoiled and remains so, obviously, but they had their reasons -- he was very sickly and weak as a little one. But he is 50 years old, for good night! And he is a bully!! I asked F if he has ever physically hurt her and she said no. But I was reared by a very physically-abusive mother, and I would rather be knocked around than have to hear what he says! And at least Mother never used me except to take out her frustrations!

Oh, this tears me up! F deserved so much better, so much more. She is a great woman, but she has no clue of that!

At this point, I am leaving out a lot of details, because I am sick of writing about him. While I certainly will answer needed questions, at this time, I will only write these things:
1. He now has his eyes on another woman, whom we have met, he is doing his best to charm her, and it is working.
2. He is still working his poison on F, most of it in writing (!!!!), and she is a nervous wreck. I am very concerned about her resulting health, but she is strong and a believer.
3. He has their two adult daughters fooled.

ANY advice would be beneficial. I would like to ask F to become a member here, so she can see what you write, but I am not sure she would want to. She is so worn out. She is like a daughter to me, and I really love her.

I am very tired -- I haven't slept yet tonight, and it is nearly time to get up. I may not see any answers for a little while.

Thank you for caring. <3
Really this is all pretty common. I've known numerous women coming from both physically and mentally abusive relationships. And it changes a person. They will never be the same person they were before. And especially those from verbal abuse never seem to fully escape the negative effects and will always hold to the belief of those negative words they always heard.
And because of that it makes it difficult to get them to stand up for themselves, to walk away from the abuser, see themselves as not deserving it. That chaos becomes their normal and even a bit comfortable for them.

Sadly this man will continue this path of destruction and there's really nothing you can do. You can attempt to warn the women, but rarely will that work. And it will bring his destructive impulses to your own doorstep.

I would suggest there is a high probability this man has Bipolar, and due to that trying to ever get through to him will be nearly impossible. Most of the women I've known coming out of such relationships the man had Bipolar that was untreated.

I would focus my efforts on the healing and recovery of those in his aftermath since in this unfair world he can't be stopped by any legal means. It's gravely unfortunate that some forms of abuse are still legal, but that's the world we live in.
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#7
Really this is all pretty common. I've known numerous women coming from both physically and mentally abusive relationships. And it changes a person. They will never be the same person they were before. And especially those from verbal abuse never seem to fully escape the negative effects and will always hold to the belief of those negative words they always heard.
And because of that it makes it difficult to get them to stand up for themselves, to walk away from the abuser, see themselves as not deserving it. That chaos becomes their normal and even a bit comfortable for them.

Sadly this man will continue this path of destruction and there's really nothing you can do. You can attempt to warn the women, but rarely will that work. And it will bring his destructive impulses to your own doorstep.

I would suggest there is a high probability this man has Bipolar, and due to that trying to ever get through to him will be nearly impossible. Most of the women I've known coming out of such relationships the man had Bipolar that was untreated.

I would focus my efforts on the healing and recovery of those in his aftermath since in this unfair world he can't be stopped by any legal means. It's gravely unfortunate that some forms of abuse are still legal, but that's the world we live in.
You are so right, but it is so hard to just walk away from him. I was supposed to treat him like a stepson, to love and support him, but I have run out of that kind of energy.

It occurs to me: maybe this is where G_D wants me, so He can do the job alone? After all, he no longer technically a boy?

Thank you for bringing up the idea of bipolar. I know nothing about this illness, but I have finally admitted to myself that he has some kind of mental illness. I will tell you this: if his mother was still alive, she would put him in place. She would be horrified at his stuff. I knew her a little bit (she was a summertime friend), and she was a good person.

But to think he may not be one of the Called is horrifying me right now. I do know that he is not bearing The Fruit, and I've never known him to be although he strongly proclaims it.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,543
2,110
113
#8
You are so right, but it is so hard to just walk away from him. I was supposed to treat him like a stepson, to love and support him, but I have run out of that kind of energy.

It occurs to me: maybe this is where G_D wants me, so He can do the job alone? After all, he no longer technically a boy?

Thank you for bringing up the idea of bipolar. I know nothing about this illness, but I have finally admitted to myself that he has some kind of mental illness. I will tell you this: if his mother was still alive, she would put him in place. She would be horrified at his stuff. I knew her a little bit (she was a summertime friend), and she was a good person.

But to think he may not be one of the Called is horrifying me right now. I do know that he is not bearing The Fruit, and I've never known him to be although he strongly proclaims it.
Thats the sad difficulty of mental illness sometimes. Especially certain kinds. Being loving and supportive can sometimes be a pearls before swine scenario as their minds can be wired in such as way as to not even see or process it. Or they even take advantage of it rather than appreciate it.
Often times people spend a lot of time and effort trying to rescue those that don't want it and not as much time on those that would actually benefit from it. So until he comes to a place where he, of his own accord, admits a need and desire for help it's unlikely to be worthwhile to try to help.

His mother would do nothing of the kind if he has a mental illness. It doesn't work that way. Dealing with mental illness isn't about asserting the stronger will, the authority or dominance or often even reason. This is because their brains are hard wired out of order. It's not that they're being stubborn or disobedient. It's that their brain functions differently and in their mind their actions are normal, reasonable and justifiable.
Especially with abusive personalities they so rarely change because they never take responsibility for their actions.
The typical mindset of an abuser is "if they didn't do X then they wouldn't have made me so angry I hit them". So their violence isn't seen as their choice but the victims fault for provoking them to it. They almost paint themselves as the victim of their targets failure.

Well in his mind he may believe it and desire it but mental illness can override this sometimes. Look at people with clinical, long term depression for example. They may he a Christian and know all the scriptures about God's love and grace, yet they find it nearly impossible to internalize it. Because the wiring in their brains prevents this. And internally they reinforce the negative views on themselves.
And I know this as one with depression for 30+ years. And knowing many others with various mental illnesses in the course of my lifetime.

I think mental illness and Christianity walk a fine line together. I eventually realized God knows and sees more on the subject. So how much grace is or is not given in these circumstances is unknown. All you can do is help those that want it and leave it to God to decide where a mentally ill persons heart lies in light of their behavior.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
14,319
6,681
113
#9
As far as I know, SS never physically abused F but she had 20 years of mental and emotional anguish, as SS used her (financially and in other ways), berated her, embarrassed her, shamed her, and thought that it was his right. After 20 years, she'd had enough and locked him out of her house.
If she locked him out of her house, there had to be very good reasons. So why did she open the door again to this rascal? Therefore she needs to make up her mind once for all, and act immediately.

If he is poison, she needs to get rid of him. And if she has to go to court to get a restraining order, then that is what it might take. Some people are pure evil, and they need to be viewed as such. She may also need to take steps to protect herself from retaliation (or even murder).
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#10
I just got off a very long chat with F, and things were way worse than I could ever have imagined. She kept so much from us -- from me. She protected him and supported him until she just could no longer do it, and she has kept things from their adult daughters. They still love and respect him -- but I saw that for myself. I hope that after our long chat tonight, she can move forward in peace. Thank you all for your prayers, because I know they are helping us.

I will not tell it all, and you would not want to read it all. I also kept what I did know from my husband because I could feel his pain. After all, I have children, too, but I opened up a little bit with him in the last month and it is killing him. After all, we are in our seventies, and I have to be careful.

The fact is that my husband and I hardly know anyone who has divorced. We were ignorant of this stuff until their divorce happened, and only then did we actually start looking at it in the Bible. At this point, my husband and I do not agree regarding the details of a biblically-sanctioned divorce, and we do not at all agree regarding remarriage after divorce.

F was not raised as most of us were, so she just thought that with her circumstances, she should divorce him -- that was naturally, to her, what one does. We have not talked about it biblically yet, but I told her I would talk about it "next time."

I think she truly knows the L_RD, but she is so confused right now because he has told her and others that he is a believer the whole time, but . . . .
And I believe she truly is a believer.
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#11
Really this is all pretty common. I've known numerous women coming from both physically and mentally abusive relationships. And it changes a person. They will never be the same person they were before. And especially those from verbal abuse never seem to fully escape the negative effects and will always hold to the belief of those negative words they always heard.
And because of that it makes it difficult to get them to stand up for themselves, to walk away from the abuser, see themselves as not deserving it. That chaos becomes their normal and even a bit comfortable for them.

Sadly this man will continue this path of destruction and there's really nothing you can do. You can attempt to warn the women, but rarely will that work. And it will bring his destructive impulses to your own doorstep.

I would suggest there is a high probability this man has Bipolar, and due to that trying to ever get through to him will be nearly impossible. Most of the women I've known coming out of such relationships the man had Bipolar that was untreated.

I would focus my efforts on the healing and recovery of those in his aftermath since in this unfair world he can't be stopped by any legal means. It's gravely unfortunate that some forms of abuse are still legal, but that's the world we live in.
I don't know how to respond. I guess right now, I need to just breathe. I have also begun having nightmares. I need to be careful.

He certainly has not received any actual treatment or help. And while their daughters seem fine, there are two others he attacked repeatedly who are suffered -- I had not known or thought about this.

I did think about this today: I think he is mentally the age he was when his mother died.
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#12
If she locked him out of her house, there had to be very good reasons. So why did she open the door again to this rascal? Therefore she needs to make up her mind once for all, and act immediately.

If he is poison, she needs to get rid of him. And if she has to go to court to get a restraining order, then that is what it might take. Some people are pure evil, and they need to be viewed as such. She may also need to take steps to protect herself from retaliation (or even murder).
She is very compassionate. She just had a hard time at first holding the line. I don't think he ever spent another night in her house -- just let him berate her to her face a few times, then cut him off at the door. He still sends her messages, since she won't let him in, and she told me she has quit reading the messages now.

Murder? G_D, Help Us!!! He loves weapons and has many!!! That did not cross my mind!!! Oh, wow. I just don't know people like this!!
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#13
Nehemiah6 said:
If he is poison, she needs to get rid of him. And if she has to go to court to get a restraining order, then that is what it might take. Some people are pure evil, and they need to be viewed as such. She may also need to take steps to protect herself from retaliation (or even murder).
I am having a hard time reading through this. I just saw all you wrote . . . .
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#14
Thats the sad difficulty of mental illness sometimes. Especially certain kinds. Being loving and supportive can sometimes be a pearls before swine scenario as their minds can be wired in such as way as to not even see or process it. Or they even take advantage of it rather than appreciate it.
Often times people spend a lot of time and effort trying to rescue those that don't want it and not as much time on those that would actually benefit from it. So until he comes to a place where he, of his own accord, admits a need and desire for help it's unlikely to be worthwhile to try to help.

His mother would do nothing of the kind if he has a mental illness. It doesn't work that way. Dealing with mental illness isn't about asserting the stronger will, the authority or dominance or often even reason. This is because their brains are hard wired out of order. It's not that they're being stubborn or disobedient. It's that their brain functions differently and in their mind their actions are normal, reasonable and justifiable.
Especially with abusive personalities they so rarely change because they never take responsibility for their actions.
The typical mindset of an abuser is "if they didn't do X then they wouldn't have made me so angry I hit them". So their violence isn't seen as their choice but the victims fault for provoking them to it. They almost paint themselves as the victim of their targets failure.

Well in his mind he may believe it and desire it but mental illness can override this sometimes. Look at people with clinical, long term depression for example. They may he a Christian and know all the scriptures about God's love and grace, yet they find it nearly impossible to internalize it. Because the wiring in their brains prevents this. And internally they reinforce the negative views on themselves.
And I know this as one with depression for 30+ years. And knowing many others with various mental illnesses in the course of my lifetime.

I think mental illness and Christianity walk a fine line together. I eventually realized God knows and sees more on the subject. So how much grace is or is not given in these circumstances is unknown. All you can do is help those that want it and leave it to God to decide where a mentally ill persons heart lies in light of their behavior.
I just realized that I am not reading everything people are writing. I am rereading this post now. . . .
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#15
. . . their brains are hard wired out of order. It's not that they're being stubborn or disobedient. It's that their brain functions differently and in their mind their actions are normal, reasonable and justifiable.
Especially with abusive personalities they so rarely change because they never take responsibility for their actions.
The typical mindset of an abuser is "if they didn't do X then they wouldn't have made me so angry I hit them". So their violence isn't seen as their choice but the victims fault for provoking them to it. They almost paint themselves as the victim of their targets failure.

Well in his mind he may believe it and desire it but mental illness can override this sometimes. Look at people with clinical, long term depression for example. They may he a Christian and know all the scriptures about God's love and grace, yet they find it nearly impossible to internalize it. Because the wiring in their brains prevents this. And internally they reinforce the negative views on themselves.
And I know this as one with depression for 30+ years. And knowing many others with various mental illnesses in the course of my lifetime.

I think mental illness and Christianity walk a fine line together. I eventually realized God knows and sees more on the subject. So how much grace is or is not given in these circumstances is unknown. All you can do is help those that want it and leave it to God to decide where a mentally ill persons heart lies in light of their behavior.
I have to do more. . . .
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#16
Trying to reach my son to get what I was told about SS physically abusing him verified by him. I've never done anything like this before but just let it go because I wasn't told this until weeks ago, while they are now grown.
It is in the very early morning hours here. He has not answered.
This will tell me whether I was told the truth.
I have never done anything like this. It feels like I am overreacting, and I recognize that I am panicked.
But I believe he did it, and I fear for F.
This will give me a better idea if he is capable of doing worse or if I am just . . . .
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#17
My son hasn't called, but my husband walked in and seeing me upset, asked me what was going on. He let me scream, cry, and rage for a good hour about all the things I never told him in our 33 years of marriage. He told me repeatedly to tell F that he fully supported her getting an order of protection. When I told him she needed it for herself and the other two persons I cannot mention, he said that she needed to do it. We can't do it for her, but it needs to be done. I just hope that all she needs to do this is to know how his own father supports her.

Thank you, all of you, for your support. Now comes the work and facing SS's anger ourselves as well. Now, I just want it done -- yesterday. I hope she will do this. I am not supposed to travel, but I want to go down there and be with her, supporting her and the other two. I want to give them our blessings.

If you want me to, I will update you, but I am clueless how to do this and how long it takes. It is in a different (but nearby) state.

Again, thank you, every one of you. G_D bless you ALL.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
14,319
6,681
113
#18
She is very compassionate. She just had a hard time at first holding the line.
When there is a rabid dog running around, the compassionate thing (for the sake of children or adults who might be infected) is to immediately put him down.

The same principle applies when evil men seek to harm others. And today evildoers are being deliberately released into society by evil politicians, so that they can continue with murder, rape, robbery, and mayhem.

This man has shown his true colors over a long period of time. So anyone who fails to address his evil actions properly is simply asking for trouble.
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#20
When there is a rabid dog running around, the compassionate thing (for the sake of children or adults who might be infected) is to immediately put him down.

The same principle applies when evil men seek to harm others. And today evildoers are being deliberately released into society by evil politicians, so that they can continue with murder, rape, robbery, and mayhem.

This man has shown his true colors over a long period of time. So anyone who fails to address his evil actions properly is simply asking for trouble.
I agree, but they have made the decision that they are not going to do it. I readily admit fear for them.