Need help trying to . . . I am not sure what I can do!!

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Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#21
There is nothing you can do but tell the new woman that ole boy is an abuser. It's really out of your hands.
I was going to -- fully intended to -- but since they talked F into not doing going through with the protection order, I told my husband that SS is welcome in our house, but when he comes, I will not leave my room. I have been trying to work with him for 33 years, and I am through. The last time he pulled his stuff, a couple months ago, I got a little refrigerator, microwave, and a couple hot plates for my room. With the purchase of a little more food, I can live in this room easily for 3-4 days without leaving it. Therefore, I leave it up to them.

I am so through.
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
1,368
486
83
#22
You should not have to live like that in your own home ,since your husband supports you it seems better to tell the step son he is not welcome.
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
1,368
486
83
#23
Nobody has mentioned Christian therapy, it seems that it would be beneficial for both you and F? Have you read any books on living with toxic people, that might be helpful too. It hurts me that you all are in such pain, Father God, this seems like an impossible situation, but we know that you speacilize in the impossible, so I earnestly ask you to step into this situation, and show these two women how to deal with this very impossible man, please keep each one safe, and help them to recover from the damage that has been done, in Jesus mighty name, amen.
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#24
You should not have to live like that in your own home ,since your husband supports you it seems better to tell the step son he is not welcome.
Wow, I sure understand your sentiment and appreciate your advice, but the boy needs his father, and I would do nothing to make it hard for my husband to see him. He is my husband's only son, and he is my husband's only child within 2,100 miles of us.

Besides, I Love my alone time. :)
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#25
Nobody has mentioned Christian therapy, it seems that it would be beneficial for both you and F? Have you read any books on living with toxic people, that might be helpful too. It hurts me that you all are in such pain, Father God, this seems like an impossible situation, but we know that you speacilize in the impossible, so I earnestly ask you to step into this situation, and show these two women how to deal with this very impossible man, please keep each one safe, and help them to recover from the damage that has been done, in Jesus mighty name, amen.
Oh, thank you So Much for your prayer!! That means a lot to me. I think that for now, the best place for me is where I have stepped back and will not interfere with His work. :) Amein to your prayer. :)

F and I live 150 miles apart, and I cannot travel. She is coming up to visit on the 22nd but can only stay a few hours. Her parents live with her, and they are not well. But you are right -- books!!!
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
1,368
486
83
#26
You sound like a saint of a person, I don't believe I could ever deal with this the way you are, and my sympathies are definately with you, not sure where you are but it is late here, 15 till 2 am , I hope you are not spending another sleepless night?
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#27
Nobody has mentioned Christian therapy, it seems that it would be beneficial for both you and F? Have you read any books on living with toxic people, that might be helpful too. It hurts me that you all are in such pain, Father God, this seems like an impossible situation, but we know that you speacilize in the impossible, so I earnestly ask you to step into this situation, and show these two women how to deal with this very impossible man, please keep each one safe, and help them to recover from the damage that has been done, in Jesus mighty name, amen.
I should try talking to her again about Christian therapy. She has gone to pastors for advice, and that hasn't worked. Right now, too, because of covid, finding a Christian therapist is difficult because of covid. . . but Not Impossible.
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#28
You sound like a saint of a person, I don't believe I could ever deal with this the way you are, and my sympathies are definately with you, not sure where you are but it is late here, 15 till 2 am , I hope you are not spending another sleepless night?
Believe me, I am no saint. Far from it. In fact, today, I feel so sorry for my husband because he has put up all day with my ocean of tears and mounds of tissues in the trash. I had to stop cooking dinner several times to clean myself up from bawling. Hours of that; it just took too long today after I learned that they had talked her out of the order. Fortunately I got the "fountain" turned off to sit down with him for dinner. I can be such a dolt.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,640
3,867
113
#29
How old was he when his mum died?

sounds tough. A poster specutalated bipolar disorder, but please let me tell you that does not sound like bipolar disorder at all.

I would not label someone like that bipolar.
It is narcissism. To deal with a narcissist which ideally you dont want to (because hes family) some ways he you have to go 'no contact' and keep certain boundaries. I know narcissts can be totally draining, if they dont have an outlet or supply for their energy. That is why many narcissist end up in the entertainment world (and become quite successful) as they are so hard for ordinary people to live with. Their very charm can draw people but ordinary people dont operate on charm alone.

his wife has to realise this and dig into her own faith.
what you cant do, God can do though. Pray for them, but his wife needs to find her refuge in God.
 

Beez

Senior Member
Nov 27, 2017
463
83
28
#30
How old was he when his mum died?

sounds tough. A poster specutalated bipolar disorder, but please let me tell you that does not sound like bipolar disorder at all.

I would not label someone like that bipolar.
It is narcissism. To deal with a narcissist which ideally you dont want to (because hes family) some ways he you have to go 'no contact' and keep certain boundaries. I know narcissts can be totally draining, if they dont have an outlet or supply for their energy. That is why many narcissist end up in the entertainment world (and become quite successful) as they are so hard for ordinary people to live with. Their very charm can draw people but ordinary people dont operate on charm alone.

his wife has to realise this and dig into her own faith.
what you cant do, God can do though. Pray for them, but his wife needs to find her refuge in God.
SS was 17 (and my son was 12.) But he was a very insecure, immature 17. He seemed like he was about 13. I tried to be a good stepmother, but he missed his mother too much. Yes, he was and is terribly narcissistic. I can become very angry with him for that at his present age, but . . . . :rolleyes: I have spent far too much energy on that again through the last week. We give and give and give to him, but he . . . waaallll, that's a different subject I'd best not open up -- my giving is over. As far as charm, it's just not there except when he turns it on to get more stuff. This whole thing is heart-breaking. He doesn't get it.

(The reason I mentioned my son is because I was able to find and talk to him, and he refuses to call the stuff between them as boys "abuse." I will always call it abuse, because my son was 12 and small for his age when I married. SS was a good foot and a half or so taller and 5 years older. It was abuse.)

F truly has moved on from him even though she will not get the order of protection. She is a very strong woman, even though she doesn't know her strength, and she's very gentle. She would absolutely shine if she had not been so beaten down for the last 25 years. (Yes, they were married 25 years, not the 20 I had mentioned.

Thank you much, Lanolin.