On the fence

[Sirk]

Unprocessed pain always leads to anger anxiety and depression which lead to disconnection, addiction, suicide, cutting, lashing out etc etc. Chasing after the pain with a professional counselor is highly recommended.

 

[GracethroughfaithinChrist]

I know this is the eternal burnings question....when is it time to go? How do you throw away 28 years? It's depressing thinking about failing after all this time. I feel like I'be wasted a good portion of my life building up my spouse to where now I feel obligated to continue doing so. There's nothing left for me. When I mention divorce he threatens suicide then proceed to "stage" the attempt. I know it sounds crazy and had I read someone else posting I would find it hard to believe too. Long drama short, I'm searching for a local support group in my area. I find it's a very close knit thing...not like AA. You can those groups 24/7.

Just a little food for thought.......

The promises we made to our spouses before God and man should always be applied. Especially in the worst of times.

I, take you , to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

 

[soccermom19]

In my opinion, if a mans' home life is messed up so that his wife is ready to leave him, he's not ruling his house well and doesn't need to be serving as a deacon or bishop/overseer (popularly known as 'pastor' in various Protestant circles.) Whether a man who has committed and been forgiven for adultery can serve is a question for debate, though one might say he is not 'above reproach.'

I knew a pastor whose wife cheated on him. He stepped down from his pastoral role. It wasn't him that cheated, but his house wasn't in order.

It just doesn't seem right to me that if one spouse commits adultery and the other forgives him and accepts him or her back, that the offended spouse carries a 'get out of marriage free card' that they can use at any time. Spouse X commits adultery, so 5, 10, or 15 years down the line, spouse Y decides that he/she is bored or exhausted with the marriage, and decides to bail, so he/she pulls out the 'get out of marriage free card.' He/she says 20 years ago, my spouse committed adultery, and all his/her church friends say, divorce that sucker. If the spouse commits adultery, you could wait until someone more attractive or richer shows you interest, whip out the 'get out of marriage free' card, and get a divorce while your Christian friends cheer you own. Is that really forgiving and taking the other person back?

As far as divorce goes, the law of Moses makes no provision for a woman to divorce a man. A woman who gives a man a bill of divorce and moves out and marries another a man is an adulterous worthy of the death penalty. That divorce certificate isn't legal. Jesus said nothing about a woman divorcing her husband and remarrying except to forbid it. The 'exception clause' in Matthew 19 for a man divorcing his wife is very narrow, for fornication, not for any old cause.

The only possible place where a woman is told she can divorce her husband isn't a woman divorcing her husband. It's being abandoned. This is something Paul says is his own advice, him speaking, not the Lord, and it's in the specific case of an unbelieving spouse abandoning a believing spouse.

The backdrop for the Old Testament laws regarding divorce are a society in which God at least tolerated and regulated polygamy. In fact, the law that tells us that a wife (or concubine) has the right to food, clothes, and sex from her husband is about the rights of a first wife (the context dealing with a wife who had been a slave, likely a concubine in Hebrew culture) after her husband took a second wife. In Jewish law as it was understood, if a man would not provide for the first wife, he still had to give her a certificate for it to be considered legitimate. Judges might do things to compel him if he wouldn't grant the divorce, but he still had to give the certificate.

The man taking a second wife wasn't treated as adultery, legally. Neither would running around with a prostitute have been treated as such. Later, Jesus would point people back to the true meaning of marriage of two becoming one flesh.

During the Reformation, some people in the early days of it allowed for polygamy. I've read that even Luther okayed polygamy in one case. I tend to view Matthew 19 as implicitly indicating that polygamy is wrong. The only difference between polygamy and the adulterous case of a man divorcing his wife Jesus' described is the divorce. Why would mistreating the wife by putting her away be 'adultery'. It's cruel and treachery. Remarriage makes it adultery. If you remove the divorce and just marry two women, why wouldn't that go against one flesh?

Anyway, my point is a lot of Christians will recommend wives to divorce rather than take their husbands back, but I don't see any clear case from scripture that teaches this.

When God allows for a man to divorce for infidelity, do you not believe that a woman can divorce for this same reason? If not, this means that a man doesn't have to put up with fornication but a woman has to put up with it as many times as her husband chooses to cheat and stay. I believe that God meant this to go both ways. Do you really believe it is Biblical for a husband to cheat multiple times with the wife having no right for reprocussions?
My husband cheated once before our marriage, I was not intimate with him and was unaware of his fornication until 12 years after the wedding; again for a year, with my brothers wife, about 2 years ago; and a third time with some other woman, about 6 months ago. These are the times I know for sure about. I believe there have been others. I have forgiven him. Do you believe that I should take him back? Let him continue? Teach my kids that his behavior is okay? Wait for him to finally divorce or abandon me?

 

[soccermom19]

You all don't know how much I appreciate the time you're taking to chat me thru this thing...right now I am in survival mode. It's a place where I can't even formulate a prayer because I don't even know what to ask for. Mentally I am prostrated at the throne of grace and mercy waiting for deliverance. Jesus said he left us a comforter; The Holy Spirit who makes intercessions on our behalf, prayerfully he's pleading my wretched case...

Pray for strength and wisdom. Pray for God's will to be done in the case of your situation.

 

[Pilkington]

I really feel for you and your husband. What has caused you to reach this crisis at this point rather than years before. You said that you have forgiven him for past infidelity. However this seems more connected with having to support him continually, build up his self esteem and keep up appearances.

It sounds like he has been very damaged from his childhood, experience of being physically and mentally abused and so craves approval, praise, recognition and value from those around them and in part this comes from having the role of being a Deacon. In my opinion he needs help to see where his value and worth come from and it is not from having titles or rolls. His worth and identity needs to come from God not what he does etc. God loves him unconditional, he is accepted, forgiven, adopted into God's family.

Do you think he would be prepared to work on the marriage and where you are both are at? Do you think he would be willing to stand down as a Deacon or at least take a sabbatical for both your sakes. Particularly as with being a Deacon you have to keep up appearances. Also it would mean he would be able to work on finding his worth solely in God. As he has repented from his infidelity I don't think it necessarily rules him out from being a Deacon, King David remained King despite committing adultery and murder, Peter denied Jesus but was restored.

I hope you find a way to work things out and save your marriage. You can't change your husband, however you can change the way you behave etc.

 

[resurrection33]

He has a lot of childhood physical abuse and low self esteem issues. I always known this and have spent almost thirty years uplifting him. Now I see I've not only become his crutch, but I feel manipulated by him.

At some point you need to force him to stand on his own two feet, I think.