parents stay together just for kids- what to do as the kid?

[Hungry]

You can´t imagine how good it is to hear that simple: "You´ll be fine" Right now, I feel so stuck. I must remind myself that the future holds more for me than this.
I´d add: not only are they afraid of the unknown, they are also afraid of their family and friends´ reaction! This is a major factor in especially the christian community.
I am aware hat none of this is my fault, and that my parents are to blame.
I find it super hard to forgive them though... Do you have any advice on that?

Speaking as a parent who has stayed together for the kids I say cut them some slack. No, it’s not your fault they are unhappy. Learn this however, people who are unhappy together aren’t guaranteed to be happy apart. Here’s a scenario, they divorce and find other broken people to be with. Maybe your mom finds a real jerk and your dad finds a woman who spends all of his money before she leaves him. Sometimes life just sucks. My parents divorced when I was 3. Life wasn’t great. They were horrible together and horrible apart. I planned to leave my marriage twice. Twice God told me not to. When I asked why not, this was His answer: “Does the kite hate the string? You look at the string thinking it is holding you back preventing you from soaring higher. However, it is the string that allows you to soar high and steady. The resistance is pushing you higher not keeping you down.”

I get that living in a stressful home isn’t ideal. Instead of loathing it, learn from it. Study their behaviour. Study the situations. Be tougher than your circumstances. Don’t take the blame, but don’t issue it either. My mom and dad both basically abandoned me. Both had their issues. They were both victims also. I won’t say I’m emotionally attached to them but I don’t hate them either. I understand them. I learned from them. I can’t change my past but I can break the cycle. My children have a strong supportive dad in their safe home. The reality is we don’t choose what is thrown at us. Resistance can push you down and crush you or if you get above it, it can push you higher...like a kite.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

Speaking as a parent who has stayed together for the kids I say cut them some slack. No, it’s not your fault they are unhappy. Learn this however, people who are unhappy together aren’t guaranteed to be happy apart. Here’s a scenario, they divorce and find other broken people to be with. Maybe your mom finds a real jerk and your dad finds a woman who spends all of his money before she leaves him. Sometimes life just sucks. My parents divorced when I was 3. Life wasn’t great. They were horrible together and horrible apart. I planned to leave my marriage twice. Twice God told me not to. When I asked why not, this was His answer: “Does the kite hate the string? You look at the string thinking it is holding you back preventing you from soaring higher. However, it is the string that allows you to soar high and steady. The resistance is pushing you higher not keeping you down.”

I get that living in a stressful home isn’t ideal. Instead of loathing it, learn from it. Study their behaviour. Study the situations. Be tougher than your circumstances. Don’t take the blame, but don’t issue it either. My mom and dad both basically abandoned me. Both had their issues. They were both victims also. I won’t say I’m emotionally attached to them but I don’t hate them either. I understand them. I learned from them. I can’t change my past but I can break the cycle. My children have a strong supportive dad in their safe home. The reality is we don’t choose what is thrown at us. Resistance can push you down and crush you or if you get above it, it can push you higher...like a kite.

Thank you very much for taking the time to write this. It has been very helpful for me.
First and foremost the reminder to have grace. That is definitely something I have to work on.
Also, that a separation does not have to make things better. We are in so stuck a situation - makes it very tempting to look at the easy way out and wish for it. However, it is probably very much more easy to deal with a stressful home than to deal with two stressful homes, or even potential new partners (i never thought about that possibility, the scenario you gave opened my eyes to it). I sometimes cannot help but wish for a divorce, which I already know is dumb, but now I will have one more reason not to do that.
Thanks so so much for the last paragraph, which was especially encouraging. God can use this cicumstance for good for sure, and I can learn a lot from it. Bu what I think to be most important is that I will not even let a cycle begin. I will work on my mental health, I will process my teen years and learn from them- and I will be equipped to not get in such a situation myself, I will be equipped to give my kids a strong home one day.
I will fly higher like a kite
God bless you for your help

 

[MoonCresta]

Sir, a blanket statement to cover all situations is simplistic and naive. You do nothing positive with this for the cause of Christ. This is phoney piety. I'm done with you. Clearly, you do not understand life.

Agree completely with AZSheepdog - wow. Thank goodness Christ is not like that.

 

[Live4Him]

Hello...
as you might imagine, situations like the one in our family last, and nothing has really changed in the last weeks.
Thats why I am really scared of Easter. The past two years, there always was a major argument at Easter, and I was really unhappy.
I remember answering casusal aquaintainces ´ happy Easter texts, crying hard... That is not the best memory.
Now obviously I look forward to Easter, and it´s a very special day, I cannot wait to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Saviour, but at the same time, I am apprehensive of the day because I fear it might happen again. I know that it is not rational to tie arguments and tension to special days, but as it has happened more than once, my easter memories are unfortunately very negative. That makes it rather difficult for me to take these thoughts captive.
I wonder how I can stop letting these negative experiences of past and presence have such an influence on my future and my happiness!
I would be super grateful for your prayer and your advice

Hi, DorotheaSofia.

When I was going through my own traumatic ordeal that lasted 18 years, I oftentimes had to escape the reality that was constantly around me by focusing on a hopeful better future.

I actually watched a lot of movies about love back then because I wasn't going to give up on it, even though love was very much lacking in my own home.

Your post reminded me of one movie that I really liked.

It's about a woman whose parents' divorce when she was young ruined the Thanksgiving holiday (a holiday here in the USA) for her into her adult life UNTIL the time came that life afforded her the opportunity to replace bad holiday memories with a new good one.

It's not a Christian movie, per se, but there's nothing evil in it, and it might offer you some hope for your own future.

The movie can be watched for free here in the USA at the following link, so hopefully it will work for you as well in Germany if you're interested in viewing it.

Here's the link:

https://123moviesd.com/the-thanksgiving-house/

You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

Hi, DorotheaSofia.
When I was going through my own traumatic ordeal that lasted 18 years, I oftentimes had to escape the reality that was constantly around me by focusing on a hopeful better future.
I actually watched a lot of movies about love back then because I wasn't going to give up on it, even though love was very much lacking in my own home.
Your post reminded me of one movie that I really liked.
It's about a woman whose parents' divorce when she was young ruined the Thanksgiving holiday (a holiday here in the USA) for her into her adult life UNTIL the time came that life afforded her the opportunity to replace bad holiday memories with a new good one.
It's not a Christian movie, per se, but there's nothing evil in it, and it might offer you some hope for your own future.
The movie can be watched for free here in the USA at the following link, so hopefully it will work for you as well in Germany if you're interested in viewing it.
Here's the link:
https://123moviesd.com/the-thanksgiving-house/
You and your family are in my prayers.

It´s funny, because I do the same! I read many books about love. So whenever I have the opprtunity to watch that movie I will, thank you so much for the suggestion.
I also ofen try to escape reality, and even try to spend most of the time alone, so that I am surounded with peace and quiet and can equip myself for the loud and troublesome moments I cannot escape. I hate that it is that way because I will move out in about a year and I should be spending a lot of time with my family, but at this point in time I simply don´t want to.
It´s so good to focus on the future and hope, and the prospect of replacing memories with better ones. I remain hopeful and joyful about what God has in store for me.
Thank you for your prayers, they are much needed and appreciated!

 

[Lafftur]

You can´t imagine how good it is to hear that simple: "You´ll be fine" Right now, I feel so stuck. I must remind myself that the future holds more for me than this.
I´d add: not only are they afraid of the unknown, they are also afraid of their family and friends´ reaction! This is a major factor in especially the christian community.
I am aware hat none of this is my fault, and that my parents are to blame.
I find it super hard to forgive them though... Do you have any advice on that?

Hello @DorotheaSofia,

Yes! A great book that really helped me understand "How" to forgive that I recommend for anyone struggling with unforgiveness is called "How to Stop the Pain" by James Richards.

Basically, we're not able to forgive because we're stuck in a "judgmental spirit." We have to STOP judging others and stop being critical of them by understanding they are human like us and make mistakes and it is only God that can make RIGHT judgments because He knows their heart, we don't - we only assume to know "why" they did what they did and we always base it on an attack against us - which is warped and self-centered judgment.

You are loved and so are they! Release yourself and release them! Walk in love and know FREEDOM!!

 

[Live4Him]

Hi, DorotheaSofia.

Just wondering how my little sister in the Lord is doing.

I hope that Easter wasn't as painful for you as you thought it might be.

Anyhow, you're in my thoughts.

I hope that all is well with you and yours.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

Hi, DorotheaSofia.
Just wondering how my little sister in the Lord is doing.
I hope that Easter wasn't as painful for you as you thought it might be.
Anyhow, you're in my thoughts.
I hope that all is well with you and yours.

Oh, that is so sweet of you, thanks for remebering me and asking!
Easter wasn´t as painful as I thought it might be! There was quite an argument on Saturday before Easter, so I was a little apprehensive that day, but Easter itself actually was a beautiful day as far as I remember. We could not go to church live due to Covid, which was a shame, but that´s a whole other topic. So other than that, it was a good day.
Thanks again.
God bless you.

 

[Live4Him]

Oh, that is so sweet of you, thanks for remebering me and asking!
Easter wasn´t as painful as I thought it might be! There was quite an argument on Saturday before Easter, so I was a little apprehensive that day, but Easter itself actually was a beautiful day as far as I remember. We could not go to church live due to Covid, which was a shame, but that´s a whole other topic. So other than that, it was a good day.
Thanks again.
God bless you.

So happy to hear that.

How's everything going overall?

Any improvements?

 

[DorotheaSofia]

So happy to hear that.

How's everything going overall?

Any improvements?

That´s a little difficult to say. I would not say that the situation has improved, but I do believe that my parents are able to cope with it better currently.
There is no open conflict, but a certain tension you know? Nothing that you could pin down that easily, so it is quite difficult to answer that question. I feel like there is a lot of avoidance of anything that might cause conflict to come up as a lot of unsolved stuff would come back up along with it.

 

[Live4Him]

That´s a little difficult to say. I would not say that the situation has improved, but I do believe that my parents are able to cope with it better currently.
There is no open conflict, but a certain tension you know? Nothing that you could pin down that easily, so it is quite difficult to answer that question. I feel like there is a lot of avoidance of anything that might cause conflict to come up as a lot of unsolved stuff would come back up along with it.

I understand what you're saying. I pray that God guides them to deal with these unresolved issues or else they will eventually come back to the surface.

In the meantime, I hope that you know that you have brothers and sisters in the Lord here that you can talk to or ask to pray for you.

Thank you for sharing your burden with us that we might help you to bear it.

God bless you and your siblings.

"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2)

"Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." (Romans 12:15)

 

[DorotheaSofia]

I understand what you're saying. I pray that God guides them to deal with these unresolved issues or else they will eventually come back to the surface.
In the meantime, I hope that you know that you have brothers and sisters in the Lord here that you can talk to or ask to pray for you.
Thank you for sharing your burden with us that we might help you to bear it.
God bless you and your siblings.
"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2)
"Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." (Romans 12:15)

Thank you very much, I really appreciate that, and will come back to it .
God bless you too.

 

[Pureness]

I don't think that's setting a good example for kids, in my opinion.

 

[HeartShapedGuitar]

As someone who is going through a REALLY difficult time in marriage right now, it ain't this kids fault. The reason why they stay together is because they really do want what's best for ya and probably love you with God's love, which is very deeply. I know I love my little beans so much. It would kill my heart if I heard my child felt guilty for my issues. I bet ya you parents love you. Sometimes marriage is rough. We are all individuals with varied pasts and varied problems, on complex journeys. Sometimes people have had a hard life and are doing everything they can to grow. Sometimes we just flat out aren't wise enough, even if we wanna be. This has no merit on how much I bet your parents love you. Ya know, when I think on it, love is consistent. That even though parents are going through stuff, their life and issues, that I bet ya they still love each other and will always love you. Really, all of us, all us Christians we all love each other. We are in that safety of love eternal because of Jesus. We might be imperfect and cause ourselves damage by not doing what the bible says. But we aren't saints. We never were. We are just doing all we can carry our cross and live the way we ought. We sin all the time even when we are doing our very best. Thankfully we have a loving, patience and merciful God. I'll pray for you family.

 

[HeartShapedGuitar]

Hi, DorotheaSofia.

I was child number eight out of nine, and my own parents divorced when I was twelve years old. Like you and your siblings, my siblings and I witnessed many horrible interactions between our parents, but, truth be told, we weren't the cause of any of them. One of my brothers died when he was only six years old (before I was born), so eight of us (one has since died, and both of my parents are now dead too) continued on after our parents divorced, and five of us basically came out unscathed, but three did not. In fact, two of the three still seek counseling today, and my parents' divorce was about forty-seven years ago.

Although I came out fine from the get-go, I actually gained a much better understanding of both of my parents long after they divorced which helped me even further. My mother actually wrote and published a book about her life, and I had never read it, even though I had a copy of it for years. After I eventually read just the first chapter many years ago (that's all that I needed to read), I gained an even better understanding of how we (my siblings and I) were never a part of the problem. In other words, my mother carried some horrific events from her own childhood into her own adult life and marriage, and it was basically "deja vu" or history repeating itself.

Near the end of his life, my father typed out his memoirs (only about 30 pages or so), and gave all of us (me and my siblings) a copy of the same. As with my mother, it was basically "deja vu" or history repeating itself in that he had a horrific childhood as well that he carried with him straight into adulthood and marriage.

My point is that all of these things which greatly affected their adult lives and their marriage transpired before any of us (me and my siblings) were ever born and before they even got married to one another.

It's possible that the same principle applies to your own parents, and that what you're witnessing between them is just a reliving of their own pasts as well, before any of you were even born, so try not to blame yourselves for anything that is currently transpiring.

In my own case, I was married for eighteen years (we were pretty much separated for the last three), and my ex and I had three children together. Currently, they are 18 (daughter), 15 (daughter) & 13 (son), and they've definitely been negatively affected by things they witnessed when my ex and I were still together, YET they've not only gotten better since we divorced (my ex cheated on me multiple times and then divorced me), but they're also happy that we're no longer together. They presently live with their mom, only about 10 minutes away from me, and i see them all the time, including earlier today.

At my end, I honestly did everything imaginable to stay together with my ex for at least two reasons:

1. I had entered into a covenant of marriage before God, and I didn't want to break it.
2. I wanted my children to grow up in a stable environment, and I would have died a million deaths if I could have guaranteed the same.

I truly was willing to sacrifice my own life for theirs, so this might be what one of your parents feels as well.

Whatever the case may be in your family, you cannot blame yourselves for any of this, nor can you define your own self-worth by any of this. Their failed marriage isn't a reflection upon you, but rather upon them.

As far as encouragement for you and your siblings is concerned, I would encourage you to try to see yourselves as God truly sees you.

I don't know if you've ever sold or bought anything online (ebay, Amazon, etc.) or maybe even at a garage sale, but you can determine how valuable something is by the price that somebody is willing to pay for it.

In the case of you and your siblings, the price that God is willing to pay for you is the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ.

THIS is your true worth, and NOT anything that is going on presently between your parents.

In the midst of your ordeal, please try to look up towards God through Christ, and he will provide all of you with the grace necessary to not only get through all of this, but also with the grace necessary to ensure that history doesn't repeat itself in your own lives later on.

You can have stable lives yourselves, even if you start in an unstable environment.

Hopefully, this will be of some help to you and your siblings.

I like what this guy said.

 

[CorrectiveLens]

Thank you very much, I really appreciate that, and will come back to it .
God bless you too.

Hi Everyone. Just my thoughts on the subject. When in that situation, both parents tolerate each other due to the love they have for their kids. They obviously have lost respect for each other and need to find it again. Use their love for you to your advantage. In front of the other and on different occasions, shower each of them with appreciation and love. The love that you display will result in their respect for the ones you love. Do things together with your joy displayed and it will be a memorable time for all and who knows?

 

[Lanolin]

sometimes a family pet can deflect attention, so its not all on you 'the kid'.

here is the thing..it is better to live in one place than to be shuttled from one house to another every second week. Families that stay together, even in the most perfect of marital conditions still need to learn how to live together and will have ups and downs and tensions from time to time.

Now if you dont care about family, then sure, divorce sometimes seems like the only option but consider this, though you may live in separte dwellings it costs twice as much, and your parents will STILL need to communicate unless they want to do it through expensive lawyers to get round restraining orders.

I have no idea why ppl cant be civil and call each other by name intead of telling others about their ex that they are 'the father of my children' or 'the mother of my child' what they had done that was so terrible that they cant even say their name....but obviosly they couldnt work it out.


Kudos to your parents that they are still together and willing to work theough whatver it is (or even forgive each other)

 

[Lanolin]

Jesus answered how many times may a brother sin against me and how many times shall I forgive him if he repents, well he reckoned 490 times...so even amongst brothers they will do stuff that offends the others.

The diference with brothers is you can let them go, you dont have a choice with blood brothers who your brother is. In a marriage, the couple have chosen to be together, and vowed to be together.

I notice Jesus wasnt answering any questions of how many times can my Husband or wife can sin against me and how many times shall I forgive them. I think people mistakenly assume that in a marriage, nobody ever sins..?!

 

[Williejay1975]

Usually life is bad in the young years. When you get older you will move pass this (it will not hurt you like it does); all Christians shall be persecuted (II Timothy 3:12).

 

[DorotheaSofia]

As someone who is going through a REALLY difficult time in marriage right now, it ain't this kids fault. The reason why they stay together is because they really do want what's best for ya and probably love you with God's love, which is very deeply. I know I love my little beans so much. It would kill my heart if I heard my child felt guilty for my issues. I bet ya you parents love you. Sometimes marriage is rough. We are all individuals with varied pasts and varied problems, on complex journeys. Sometimes people have had a hard life and are doing everything they can to grow. Sometimes we just flat out aren't wise enough, even if we wanna be. This has no merit on how much I bet your parents love you. Ya know, when I think on it, love is consistent. That even though parents are going through stuff, their life and issues, that I bet ya they still love each other and will always love you. Really, all of us, all us Christians we all love each other. We are in that safety of love eternal because of Jesus. We might be imperfect and cause ourselves damage by not doing what the bible says. But we aren't saints. We never were. We are just doing all we can carry our cross and live the way we ought. We sin all the time even when we are doing our very best. Thankfully we have a loving, patience and merciful God. I'll pray for you family.

You are so right, they love us kids. Its so helpful to hear you as a parent talk about the love you have for your kids, because I don't think we kids could ever imagine how strong it is.
But I know they don't love each other so that suck. Still they are probably dping their best so its good to be reminded of that.
The love of Jesus is keeping me safe. He loves us more in the blink of an eye than any person could in a lifetime