Problems with my mom

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biscuit

Guest
#21
#21
GraceandLove said:
Hi everyone!

I just wanna share my problem with my Mom. I am 20 years old. I am living with my mom and I'm about to enrol for college. We are from the Philippines originally and then moved to Belgium 3 years ago. My mom is extremely controlling and manipulative. She treats me and my brothers as children. Last week I was not even allowed to jog outside. We're not allowed to go out by ourselves. I feel totally trapped in this house. Just today, she almost forced me to give up my college scholarship and give the money to her and fortunately my stepfather was able to prevent the money going to her account but she demanded me to send the money to her account when the money arrives. When she gets hold of money, I never see it anymore. She uses it for herself. Goes to restaurants everyday, buys her clothes almost everyday and we always get just cheap ones. She got hold of our scholarship money during my high school but because I am in college already, I have the right to have it. She calls herself a christian but is never a good example. She even practices witchcraft, prays like a gentile, talks trash about other people even about the leaders of our church, hypocrite... She praises herself and for her, she's so perfect. She even wants us to hate our dad. We've been suffering from her manipulation for years. But now that I am 20, I am really seeing what she's doing to us. I was so scared of not following her even though what she asks is not good because of the power of her manipulation and she always uses the verse honour your father and mother for this is right. She uses verses from the Bible that are out of context and she has a complete wrong image of God. She likes to pray for hours and discourages us for praying alone. We should always pray together according to her. Of course there's nothing wrong in praying together but praying alone and with God alone is also vital. My sister is 33 years old already and has a daughter but can never get out of the house because of her. She doesn't want anyone courting my sister and she wants us all to stay in one house forever. We can never talk back to her. If we do, she gets furious and physical. And we don't talk, she gets mad too. Me and my brothers will really lose our sanity with her. From the outside, people think, are life is perfect. But it is really miserable with her in the house. I prayed and even begged the Lord that He takes her away out of our lives. She really thinks we can't live without her and she's the only hope. She's so full of herself and always want people praising her. She never shows her really character. She's a great pretender. At times, no matter how I love the Lord, you will really sin when you're with her. Everyone in the house feels the same... Please pray for us. And maybe you guys have some encouraging words? Would be a big help. :) Thank you!


Be blessed,
GraceandLove
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Leave the hornet nest and enroll in school as soon as possible. Discuss with school on holding your money in its account until you apply it for your school needs. Really don't understand why you are putting up with this???? You know what she is and you continue to tolerate her. I left home at 21 and never looked back. The best move I ever made because my family was using me as a door mat.
 
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Ella85

Senior Member
#22
May 9, 2014
1,414
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#22
Save your money and GET OUT!!! Hide your money, do whatever you have to do! You are old enough to do this. Become independent! Be strong and go for it
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#23
Mar 26, 2014
4,444
2,431
113
#23
Atwood said:
How is she going to send you somewhere? If you are in the USA, that is impossible. If you are in the USA you can find support. If you are not around her, how is she going to embarrass you? You can even get a restraining order from the court if you are harassed. Perhaps you are the prisoner of your own imagination. Are you in the USA? and go to a university or college? Why not go to counseling there? There is also Legal Aid possible.
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Did you read the thread? The OP made it very clear that she is Filipino who is living in Belgium.

GraceandLove said:
Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words and prayers! :) I really appreciate it.

Tomorrow morning, I will go to a legal department in Belgium and find out about my rights and my stand here in Belgium. I want to know once and for all which of her threats are real and which aren't. I think this is a good step too that I should know more about my situation and how I will fight before I take an action. I want to make sure steps because this is concerning my future too especially I am going to college. It is very important for me to finish my studies at all costs and without her in the picture. When I was in high school, I couldn't study in my own room because she is there and talks non stop or calls someone in the phone and continuously disturbs me. That's why during exam period, I always have less sleep because I stay late and wait til she sleeps already so that I can have peace. She doesn't even go to any of my parent meetings at school because she's annoyed with Dutch and doesn't want to learn the language. It was quite hard for me to integrate here because I was so used in the Philippines and also the culture so going here was a shock to me. Was she there? Not. She even complains that it shouldn't be a problem for us to live here and integrate because we simply don't have the right. It was so hard for me. I had to learn another language. Integrate with people. Associate with other culture. Strive hard for school. But thank God, He was there the whole time. But for my college, I know it will be hard. But I don't want any extra pressure from her anymore because I will really lose my sanity with her.

In the Philippines, there is a culture that the eldest takes the responsibility of the household next to the parents. And because my sister is getting out of the picture, she puts the responsibility on me and I get pressured because I have to think of my little brothers too. Besides, when I move out, I will still be attending the church where she can find me. I know her. She can even make scenes in the church and can make me look like the bad person.

But that example of David and Saul really encouraged me. Thank you, guys! Now I don't feel like I won't honour her if I go away. Be blessed guys! :)
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Good I'm glad we've helped you find the courage to do what you need to do. You sound like a smart young woman. And trust me, if your mom continually makes scenes in church and you keep your cool she will look like the bad person not you. The only response you will need to make is to let her know when she's making a scene that now everyone in the church can understand why you don't want to be around her. It's hard to go against culture; you might want to see if one of the older adult siblings can get custody / guardianship of your youngest brother so he doesn't have to stay with your mother when the rest of you leave. And you are doing a great job of taking responsibility for your family and ending the destructive patterns that have continued for far too long.
 
lncy

lncy

Senior Member
#24
Jun 16, 2014
117
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#24
dabodab said:
A rather unconventional idea may be to record your mother having her fits of rage. Video would be the best. Record as much as possible then send the film to her from a phantom e-mail address. Don't say anything in the e-mail, just send the video. Sometimes taking a good look at ourselves can be helpful. She may respond or not, but you are under no obligation to respond back. If she doesn't have an e-mail address, transfer to a DVD or video cassette (whatever you may have) and send it to her in the mail. At least you are doing something to show her how someone else sees her. Now it's her...seeing herself! Even David took King Saul's sword, when he could have killed Saul, to prove he was honorable. <smile>

I know this is risky and a little shrewd. But maybe she needs to see herself as you all do. I guarantee it will have an effect on her, but will it be for the good? Hard to say. It's just an idea.
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Just speaking from experience, I probably wouldn't say this is a safe idea. I did this once with my Mom when she was extremely drunk and abusive and I showed it to her the next morning. All it resulted in was a lot more physical abuse.

I still say pray for her, but get out of that environment as soon as you can.
 
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dabodab

Guest
#25
#25
lncy said:
Just speaking from experience, I probably wouldn't say this is a safe idea. I did this once with my Mom when she was extremely drunk and abusive and I showed it to her the next morning. All it resulted in was a lot more physical abuse.
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Incy, my sympathies. It's a touchy matter dealing with an abusive parent. I had one myself, and there are no remedies, when you're a kiddo, outside of avoidance and dreaming of flying away. What I was suggesting to the OP is showing her mom what she looks like ... anonymously. I can relate to the OP; I never ever talked back to my abusive parent. Never. Ever.
 
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LuvEndures

Guest
#26
#26
If you have any access to the internet please google the word narcissist. I think this describes your mothers behavior. I am a child of a narcissistic mother... the only way to deal with her respectfully and honorably was to move away from her for me.
 
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GraceandLove

Member
#28
Jun 30, 2013
35
0
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#28
Hi guys! :)

It's been a long time and a lot has happened in the house. Sadly to say I am still living in the house after almost a year. It is really so hard for me to go but at the same time hating every second I stay here. It has gotten worst. Her behaviours just kept going and one time, I got really fed up of it and I stood against her for the very first time. I confronted her that I don't like how she acts, how disrespectful she becomes whenever she's depressed. So she got mad at that and at that time, I was folding the clothes. She took all the clothes I was folding and threw them all in the air. I told her. No. I am not gonna clean that up for you. You threw it, you do it. I am so tired of cleaning and repairing everything you break her in the house just because you are angry. And then she was so mad at me that I was answering her back that she blamed our pastor in the church, who is training me also as a worship leader. She said, Is that what you learn from that pastor? You've really changed. You're not the daughter that I have know before. I said, yes I've changed. Because now I am standing for what I think is right, and confronting you but you can't accept it. You can't accept that your children will have a voice one day. And she really got mad at me so she really slapped me so hard in the face. I suddenly remembered what she did to my sister that she slapped her, pulled her hair, torn her clothes. And I didn't want that to experience either. So I slapped her back and told her that she doesn't have any single right to hurt me so I will call the police. I called the police and reported her. As we were waiting for the police, I began to pack my clothes and prepare to finally leave the house. But she came into my room, an entirely different person. She was crying and humble and even kneeling down on the ground, begging to me not to go. I said, I 've had enough. It's a constant cycle. I told her she's sick, she's manic depressed. She has to get treated. And she was saying yes yes. I will. Just don't go. But I didn't believe in her. I know it was all acting. I could sense her acting from where I was standing. The police came and she was all dramatic and crying and pity-partying. So the police left knowing that everything is under control already. They just warned her not to do that again. So her crying continued as I was packing my stuff up. And when I reached the front door to leave, she suddenly changed. Like really desperate. My real mom came out. Sometimes I think she has so many personality that I don't know to which one of them I am talking to. And my brothers broke too because we saw our mom for the first time. So my brothers begged me to stay. I told her I will stay under condition that she get treated. Because I was thinking, if she realise that there is really something wrong with her and she decided to get treated, then she will want to be delivered also. But at this point she is really so narcissistic. After what happened, she blamed our pastor for what I have become and really mad at our church leaders. So she left the church now and just now, she went to another church and sent a message to me that it hurts her that we are not one with her in this battle because she is really convinced that the leaders in the church have hidden motives and I am being lured. She basically wants me to stop going to the church where I am going and go to her with her new church. I think that's too much already. The church where I am now is where I feel at home. I am trained, equipped, learning to be bold and stand on God's Word. I know I have a calling and she wants me to leave it for another church? No way. But it really aches me that the church was pulled in the middle of this and even blamed by my parents. Now everyone here is thinking I am a rebel. Even my sister who got slapped and beaten up by my mother said that I should've not slapped her back and I even reported her to the police. That is really a slap to my mom's feelings. And I was thinking, how about me? Should I just get slaps from her continuously? I am planning to stay at my pastor's house but I still have to arrange my papers. Because if I leave out of this house, I will have to have someone who will take care of me so that my stay here will not be affected. I have to stay legal as I am studying in the university. But it has really gone out of the hand. I hope you guys respond again to me even though it has been a year. I would gladly hear from you guys. Be blessed! :)
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#30
#30
My ex wife is Filipino, and although she very much has her own mind, i know that at the end of the day, she will never say no to her mother. Honestly, just because the puppet strings are not visible, does not mean they are not there!

And this is the tendency in Asian culture, and i am living in an area of Sydney Australia with primarily Asian population, so i see allot of things.... I often see Asian woman, as old as forty, with a hang dog expression, no ring, no children, trailing along behind the elderly mother, and i could swear there is a dog collar and rope, but it is invisible! So sad, but then also if it is not that extreme, it is the other, total rebellion, going out having sex with everyone, wild life all that jazz and the parental relationship is totally cut to nothing. So sad.
 
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GraceandLove

Member
#31
Jun 30, 2013
35
0
6
#31
That is very true! No is a word never used to your parents in that culture. I am very blessed to be brought here to Belgium and to find a church that really equips me to be bold to cut that string. But it's very hard and it always turns out about the whole family against me. It's really hard that no matter how hard I try to live normally with them, they just can't accept it. I am not in all out rebellion just as the extreme side, because of the Lord of course. But my mom always tells me, "You're a worship leader, you go to church and you're like that?" She always implies that I am not a good example then and that I am fake in the church just because I am standing for my rights. But even though I do, I am just not heard anymore. I am treated as a kid, being brainwashed by the church, who doesn't know what she's doing, so my parents have to set me right again. And then they talked about me to our friends in the Philippines, so my reputation is totally wrecked there now. Everyone's thinking I'm on total rebellion. It's hard because Filipinos are now thinking that I am showing a bad example for Christ.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#32
#32
GraceandLove said:
That is very true! No is a word never used to your parents in that culture. I am very blessed to be brought here to Belgium and to find a church that really equips me to be bold to cut that string. But it's very hard and it always turns out about the whole family against me. It's really hard that no matter how hard I try to live normally with them, they just can't accept it. I am not in all out rebellion just as the extreme side, because of the Lord of course. But my mom always tells me, "You're a worship leader, you go to church and you're like that?" She always implies that I am not a good example then and that I am fake in the church just because I am standing for my rights. But even though I do, I am just not heard anymore. I am treated as a kid, being brainwashed by the church, who doesn't know what she's doing, so my parents have to set me right again. And then they talked about me to our friends in the Philippines, so my reputation is totally wrecked there now. Everyone's thinking I'm on total rebellion. It's hard because Filipinos are now thinking that I am showing a bad example for Christ.
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Sometimes it is difficult for people growing up in western culture to understand the mental control parents can sometimes wield over their adult children in Asian culture..... , hmmm, from what i have experienced, it is not much of a stretch to apply the phrase 'stockholm syndrome'.
 
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