Question that I am struggling to find the right words

[answers]

There have been times when the wife was saying, "Our marriage is in such big trouble" and the man is thinking, "The big trouble we have is you getting stressed out and thinking we are in big trouble." My wife used to have big emotional episodes during PMS (which has calmed down quite a bit with age) where life, or our marriage in particular, had all kinds of problems. She'd feel like that for several days. She was hard to get along with during those times. Any minor disagreement about nothing could turn into an argument. She didn't have the big emotional episodes every time, or not to that extreme. She'd be a little wound up during that time of the month and maybe get a bit more extreme once or twice a year. She'd get a bit like that during certain times during certain pregnancies, and a few days a month a couple of times after weaning a baby. But when she did, she'd say every time she has PMS I am like this to, and we have a big problem in our marriage. Me being like this to her meant I would disagree with something she'd say, and she'd get all worked up about it. For me, it was normal conversation we could have other days of the month without conflict.

Something that helped in her case was her taking responsibility for her own feelings instead of blaming them on me, and praying about it. I think the Lord must have done something because now PMS is a really minor deal in comparison to before.

I'm not saying that's your deal, but there are times in some marriages when the man legitimately does not see a big marriage problem--beyond his wife's temporary emotional state- but the wife does.

I do not blame my husband for my feelings, they are my own and from my own perspective. I do have them due to my response from his actions. I am also fully aware that emotions are never logical. I prefer to be logical, I tend to not show my negative emotions. My husband knows that our marriage is in disarray. His actions are what led us to where we are (those are his words, just so there is not any confusion). I am not going to shame him as we all are sinners and I am fully aware that Satan is to blame. It is what it is. The reason I posted this question is not to point the finger at him at all, it was to see how others got through internal battles such as mine hence the reason I shared my negative feelings I have been battling internally. I am not throwing this all at my husband by no means; I do not want to make things worse. I am just scared with how I am feeling and needed some safe human guidance in hopes that I will have some sort or revelation through my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I appreciate your willingness to help! I will keep in mind all that you said. Thanks

 

[answers]

Answers, what you wrote could have been written by my wife at some points in our marriage. I'm not saying that our situation is exactly like yours but maybe I can shed a little light. My wife and I are very busy. We each have a full time job and four kids who are deeply committed in activity. I do not recommend this lifestyle to anyone because it is unbalanced and very stressful. By the end of the day I'm tired and before the end of the day she is tired. I'm in great shape and eat very healthy and she is about the opposite. So when she gets home from work she basically wants to rest and be catered to to some degree. This leaves me driving around until after dark and then come home to clean up and prepare for the next day. She does stuff too but usually it's done electronically so she's "busy" but mostly checking out Facebook. She works hard so I allow her this time but when I'm done, I'm done. Of course she would wait until I was done everything and then expect me to lavish her with attention and massages and footrubs and be irritated if I don't seem interested. She might pout or just criticize how I chose to spend my down time. In every relationship there's give and take. I think I'm a little more give and she's a little more take. We have committed to a life together and I plan to remain faithful to my vow but sometimes it feels more like a sentence. I love her and she has a lot of great qualities but the bliss is gone. Most days are just work and by that I mean all days. I can still enjoy our times together and being with my family and we all laugh historically most of the time but that star crossed lover connection I believe is just crap that women want to believe in. If you truly want to be cherished and adored then be a blessing and not a burden (not to say you are). I will leave you with this, most of the crap that women pride themselves on as being a good wife, men might appreciate but they aren't going to love you for. Anything you can pay for to get done isn't a credit to a wife. You can buy a great meal and for someone to clean you home, even look after the kids, after all they are her kids too. If a wife wants to be loved then she really needs to build her husband up and make him feel like he is the king in her life, desired and respected, not just a guy she keeps around for a paycheque and to kill spiders.

May I ask what your wife does that builds your love for her? Also, what do you do to increase your love for her?
thanks

 

[lv2ski]

That's really tough. Remember that God gives happiness. Nobody else can make you happy.

Having said that; I was in a very difficult marriage for many years with an abusive and vile woman. She didn't make me feel loved, respected or happy.

God will see you thru. Be faithful and and content. Use this time to draw closer to the Lord . As you deny yourself you will grow in wisd understanding ,as well as the "x by

 

[lv2ski]

Sorry not x by. Slip of the fingers. If you stay close to the Lord,in your walk keeping Him as your focus, you'll know peace.

 

[Sirk]

You are in the exit phase. Low performance, emphasized deficits, minimized benefits, high judgement, escape planning and no vulnerability.