Question that I am struggling to find the right words

[answers]

Hey everyone!

So, some history...I am a wife and a mother of three. I have been married since I was seventeen. My husband and I have had many rocky times throughout our marriage. So the question I have kind of comes as a consequence to a lot of the crud. I will try my best to ask the question accurately...

Has anyone that is married or has been married ever felt like they are in a place where you just feel like you are done trying?

My husband has broke my heart so many times and I have NEVER given up or felt how I am feeling. I do not want to give up. I still love him and want to be with him even with my screwed up feelings. I have such mixed things going on inside of me, I feel almost paralyzed. I will attempt to break down how I am feeling...

I feel like I have busted my butt to always have our best interest for over fifteen years...no matter what he did or how much he put forth... Sorry about the finger pointing
I feel like he could care less if I am a part of his life or not
I feel like we are two people going through the motions and are on two different pages
I feel like I am sick of carry our marriage on my shoulders alone
I feel I am sick of not having someone to talk to who wants to listen or listen to someone who wants to talk with me
I feel I want to laugh with him without feeling like he is annoyed of me and I need to stop and be miserable instead
I am sick of being the least important thing to him
I want to be valued and cherished

anyway, the list could go on and on...but what scares me is that I have had these feelings many times before, some never leave fully, but now I feel like I am throwing in the towel. I do not care if I spend time with him anymore...which has always been huge to me. For example, quality time is my top love language! I am starting to see my future life without him...which is crazy considering I have been with him pretty much everyday since I turned 16! He has always been my everything (worldly that is). I am confused with how I feel... I am wondering what this means for us?

For everyone who will tell me to pray about it...I DO! I pray all the time...problem is, I am losing faith that this will get better. It seems to only ever get worse, just when I think it it cannot get worse it does!

Help...any words of wisdom? Or words from people who have been in a similar state of mind or situation?

 

[miknik5]

Hey everyone!

So, some history...I am a wife and a mother of three. I have been married since I was seventeen. My husband and I have had many rocky times throughout our marriage. So the question I have kind of comes as a consequence to a lot of the crud. I will try my best to ask the question accurately...

Has anyone that is married or has been married ever felt like they are in a place where you just feel like you are done trying?

My husband has broke my heart so many times and I have NEVER given up or felt how I am feeling. I do not want to give up. I still love him and want to be with him even with my screwed up feelings. I have such mixed things going on inside of me, I feel almost paralyzed. I will attempt to break down how I am feeling...

I feel like I have busted my butt to always have our best interest for over fifteen years...no matter what he did or how much he put forth... Sorry about the finger pointing
I feel like he could care less if I am a part of his life or not
I feel like we are two people going through the motions and are on two different pages
I feel like I am sick of carry our marriage on my shoulders alone
I feel I am sick of not having someone to talk to who wants to listen or listen to someone who wants to talk with me
I feel I want to laugh with him without feeling like he is annoyed of me and I need to stop and be miserable instead
I am sick of being the least important thing to him
I want to be valued and cherished

anyway, the list could go on and on...but what scares me is that I have had these feelings many times before, some never leave fully, but now I feel like I am throwing in the towel. I do not care if I spend time with him anymore...which has always been huge to me. For example, quality time is my top love language! I am starting to see my future life without him...which is crazy considering I have been with him pretty much everyday since I turned 16! He has always been my everything (worldly that is). I am confused with how I feel... I am wondering what this means for us?

For everyone who will tell me to pray about it...I DO! I pray all the time...problem is, I am losing faith that this will get better. It seems to only ever get worse, just when I think it it cannot get worse it does!

Help...any words of wisdom? Or words from people who have been in a similar state of mind or situation?

I feel the same way....

but it's the children who will suffer
so if you get an answer

let me know.

Okay?

I am also tired thinking that I expect more and want more than HE does. All the children want to see is happiness. But two adults whose life priorities are different. One is selfish and self-serving and the other has to I guess sacrifice.

its not easy and it's not fun

 

[presidente]

That's a tough situation. In my experience, my wife and I have gone through times where it is hard to get along. We went through a brief time of it a few months ago. Sometimes this happened while moving, while on extended visits staying with parents (lots of time around in-laws, not in your own house), when getting ready to move, or something else really stressful. We got into a situation like this when she was pregnant, poor, and I was in school. It seems to correspond with stress.

From my perspective, it seems like she was always grumpy and criticizing, especially liking to point out areas where I needed to improve in long repetitive monologues that started after I went to bed late.

At least with this last round, she'd do that, and whenever she'd talk to me, I'd act annoyed. I'd want to avoid these monologues, of course, especially late at night. She didn't like it if I'd rather spend time reading email or whatever than talking with her (hearing the criticism.) She would be annoyed that I'd talk to her in a grumpy tone of voice. I thought she was being too sensitive about that. I wasn't trying to sound grumpy. Sometimes I'd have a cold or something. Maybe she was picking up on my annoyance, and that may have motivated her to criticize more. Part of it I think was the stress of our living situation.

I knew we needed to break out of the cycle. In the past, the way we did that was by humbling ourselves and really 'praying through' on the marriage issue, and confessing our sins to each other and apologizing. We were having a conversation, and I told her it was hard to talk with her when there was a constant stream of criticism. No one wants to talk to someone who just criticizes all the time. She stopped criticising and seemed aware that she was doing it. She point out how I always seemed irritated and did not want to talk with her. So we both apologized to one another, humbled ourselves and prayed.

Then we broke out of that cycle after we prayed. We could talk to each other without me feeling annoyed and without her criticising. Those seemed to be things that fed off each other and caused us both not to enjoy the other's company before. We could enjoy one another's company again.

So there may be something in there that you could consider. Is your husband a believer who could do something like I described above?

If he doesn't do prayer, then this may not work the same way. If there is something about the way that you talk to him that annoys him and makes him want to avoid you, you should identify that. If you feel the way you describe, I don't see how he would enjoy talking with you. The frustration and annoyance would come through in your voice. If you are critical of him, constantly, that is a problem, too. If you want to point out something your husband does wrong, you need to point it out gentlly, with tact, not repetitively. Keep it to the point, and don't pile on a list of small things that annoyed you from 10 years ago, especially things that have been resolved, when pointing out the big point you want to discuss. But try to spend some time talking about things that don't annoy you. Pray for God to give you a positive, loving attitude toward him.

If you were to come up to him totally in love with him, and talk to him like you did back when you first started going together, he'd probably respond somewhat warmly. But when there is resentment between husband and wife, that would be very difficult to do.

 

[miknik5]

I feel the same way....

but it's the children who will suffer
so if you get an answer

let me know.

Okay?

I am also tired thinking that I expect more and want more than HE does. All the children want to see is happiness. But two adults whose life priorities are different. One is selfish and self-serving and the other has to I guess sacrifice.

its not easy and it's not fun

I'm sorry. I realize now that HE was capitalized. It shouldn't have been. I was referring to my own husband

 

[Hungry]

Answers, what you wrote could have been written by my wife at some points in our marriage. I'm not saying that our situation is exactly like yours but maybe I can shed a little light. My wife and I are very busy. We each have a full time job and four kids who are deeply committed in activity. I do not recommend this lifestyle to anyone because it is unbalanced and very stressful. By the end of the day I'm tired and before the end of the day she is tired. I'm in great shape and eat very healthy and she is about the opposite. So when she gets home from work she basically wants to rest and be catered to to some degree. This leaves me driving around until after dark and then come home to clean up and prepare for the next day. She does stuff too but usually it's done electronically so she's "busy" but mostly checking out Facebook. She works hard so I allow her this time but when I'm done, I'm done. Of course she would wait until I was done everything and then expect me to lavish her with attention and massages and footrubs and be irritated if I don't seem interested. She might pout or just criticize how I chose to spend my down time. In every relationship there's give and take. I think I'm a little more give and she's a little more take. We have committed to a life together and I plan to remain faithful to my vow but sometimes it feels more like a sentence. I love her and she has a lot of great qualities but the bliss is gone. Most days are just work and by that I mean all days. I can still enjoy our times together and being with my family and we all laugh historically most of the time but that star crossed lover connection I believe is just crap that women want to believe in. If you truly want to be cherished and adored then be a blessing and not a burden (not to say you are). I will leave you with this, most of the crap that women pride themselves on as being a good wife, men might appreciate but they aren't going to love you for. Anything you can pay for to get done isn't a credit to a wife. You can buy a great meal and for someone to clean you home, even look after the kids, after all they are her kids too. If a wife wants to be loved then she really needs to build her husband up and make him feel like he is the king in her life, desired and respected, not just a guy she keeps around for a paycheque and to kill spiders.

 

[Dan58]

Sounds like an inner-conflict. People often lose themselves in a marriage, your life evolves around the marriage, your not an individual. Stop needing to be appreciated and try not to smother him with your emotional needs. Your trying to "make it work" when nothings broke. This can overwhelm a guy. What do you want? What's the void you want filled? Find yourself, your husband ain't the problem... jmo

 

[IDEAtor]

Here's how I will pray: That your husband will find men who will challenge him in a healthy, though perhaps firm, manner.

I wrote him down as
"Answer's man"

 

[miknik5]

I'm sorry. Do you see the difference between women and men? It isn't your fault. And it isnt his fault. It takes two together both making an effort for a marriage to work

if one isn't happy and voicing it then something is wrong

 

[miknik5]

Here's how I will pray: That your husband will find men who will challenge him in a healthy, though perhaps firm, manner.

I wrote him down as
"Answer's man"

I'm not sure I am understanding this response

 

[miknik5]

Sounds like an inner-conflict. People often lose themselves in a marriage, your life evolves around the marriage, your not an individual. Stop needing to be appreciated and try not to smother him with your emotional needs. Your trying to "make it work" when nothings broke. This can overwhelm a guy. What do you want? What's the void you want filled? Find yourself, your husband ain't the problem... jmo

Maybe courtship?
Dont just go through the motions because that's what a marriage is about. Give a bit more maybe? Date night? Away from the house and the kids?

Does that sound selfish or emotionally unstable?

 

[miknik5]

Answers, what you wrote could have been written by my wife at some points in our marriage. I'm not saying that our situation is exactly like yours but maybe I can shed a little light. My wife and I are very busy. We each have a full time job and four kids who are deeply committed in activity. I do not recommend this lifestyle to anyone because it is unbalanced and very stressful. By the end of the day I'm tired and before the end of the day she is tired. I'm in great shape and eat very healthy and she is about the opposite. So when she gets home from work she basically wants to rest and be catered to to some degree. This leaves me driving around until after dark and then come home to clean up and prepare for the next day. She does stuff too but usually it's done electronically so she's "busy" but mostly checking out Facebook. She works hard so I allow her this time but when I'm done, I'm done. Of course she would wait until I was done everything and then expect me to lavish her with attention and massages and footrubs and be irritated if I don't seem interested. She might pout or just criticize how I chose to spend my down time. In every relationship there's give and take. I think I'm a little more give and she's a little more take. We have committed to a life together and I plan to remain faithful to my vow but sometimes it feels more like a sentence. I love her and she has a lot of great qualities but the bliss is gone. Most days are just work and by that I mean all days. I can still enjoy our times together and being with my family and we all laugh historically most of the time but that star crossed lover connection I believe is just crap that women want to believe in. If you truly want to be cherished and adored then be a blessing and not a burden (not to say you are). I will leave you with this, most of the crap that women pride themselves on as being a good wife, men might appreciate but they aren't going to love you for. Anything you can pay for to get done isn't a credit to a wife. You can buy a great meal and for someone to clean you home, even look after the kids, after all they are her kids too. If a wife wants to be loved then she really needs to build her husband up and make him feel like he is the king in her life, desired and respected, not just a guy she keeps around for a paycheque and to kill spiders.

I don't want to offend you but this does not seem like a fair balance and you seem to be doing more than she is. To work full time as a woman and mother does not dismiss a woman and a mother from being actively involved in THE activities of your children and home. It is great that you share the load but if she isn't doing these things and rather is on face book when she could be driving the kids, watching their games being involved as a mother and wife well that doesn't seem like a fair balance at all

could you ask her kindly to join you in the children's events


if you are physically fit couldn't you ask her to join you in exercising together?

sorry if I overstepped any boundary.

 

[miknik5]

Thank you. You know who I mean.

We all need prayers. We all struggle in certain areas

 

[miknik5]

Answers

Leave your husband in God's hands and pray for him and pray that GOD will lead you in what you should do...that is, if it even is a thing that you should do

if not, again leave him to the LORD and wait and trust that GOD is working out all things for the good and you do what you are responsible to do for the children and your family and wait trusting GOD is at work

 

[Hungry]

I don't want to offend you but this does not seem like a fair balance and you seem to be doing more than she is. To work full time as a woman and mother does not dismiss a woman and a mother from being actively involved in THE activities of your children and home. It is great that you share the load but if she isn't doing these things and rather is on face book when she could be driving the kids, watching their games being involved as a mother and wife well that doesn't seem like a fair balance at all

could you ask her kindly to join you in the children's events


if you are physically fit couldn't you ask her to join you in exercising together?

sorry if I overstepped any boundary.

She watches the kids events and is involved in fundraising and stuff like that and drops kids off and picks them up but it's usually on her way home from work. As for exercising and eating healthy she is a bit of a pleasure seeker and prefers not to do anything too strenuous. Although my methods are proven effective she just prefers to walk but that actually does the opposite. It slows down your metabolism and increases weight around the abdomen. She will eat healthy as long as it tastes good so this usually means more work for me because I do most of the meals. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining I understand not everybody is like me and I try not to hold others to the standard I set for myself. She has other gifts. She is a frugal shopper and good planner. She makes sure the kids have what they need and more. I'm not bitter but as far as giving me what I would like out of the relationship, I accept that people have limitations. I love her but I don't feel the sense that life wouldn't go on without her. It sounds colder than I want it to but I put my will in the hands of the Almighty Father and if He desires to change her then that is between them. I have joy and peace but happiness eludes me for now. Although I am blessed I still look forward to the finish line of this race.

 

[Depleted]

Hey everyone!

So, some history...I am a wife and a mother of three. I have been married since I was seventeen. My husband and I have had many rocky times throughout our marriage. So the question I have kind of comes as a consequence to a lot of the crud. I will try my best to ask the question accurately...

Has anyone that is married or has been married ever felt like they are in a place where you just feel like you are done trying?

My husband has broke my heart so many times and I have NEVER given up or felt how I am feeling. I do not want to give up. I still love him and want to be with him even with my screwed up feelings. I have such mixed things going on inside of me, I feel almost paralyzed. I will attempt to break down how I am feeling...

I feel like I have busted my butt to always have our best interest for over fifteen years...no matter what he did or how much he put forth... Sorry about the finger pointing
I feel like he could care less if I am a part of his life or not
I feel like we are two people going through the motions and are on two different pages
I feel like I am sick of carry our marriage on my shoulders alone
I feel I am sick of not having someone to talk to who wants to listen or listen to someone who wants to talk with me
I feel I want to laugh with him without feeling like he is annoyed of me and I need to stop and be miserable instead
I am sick of being the least important thing to him
I want to be valued and cherished

anyway, the list could go on and on...but what scares me is that I have had these feelings many times before, some never leave fully, but now I feel like I am throwing in the towel. I do not care if I spend time with him anymore...which has always been huge to me. For example, quality time is my top love language! I am starting to see my future life without him...which is crazy considering I have been with him pretty much everyday since I turned 16! He has always been my everything (worldly that is). I am confused with how I feel... I am wondering what this means for us?

For everyone who will tell me to pray about it...I DO! I pray all the time...problem is, I am losing faith that this will get better. It seems to only ever get worse, just when I think it it cannot get worse it does!

Help...any words of wisdom? Or words from people who have been in a similar state of mind or situation?

You've given eight reasons why you're tired. And you said there were many more.

Reverse this. Now, come up with five reasons you love him.

And then five things you can do for him without expecting anything in return, (like expecting him to notice you, want more from him, want him to react better.)

(This isn't something you have to share with the class. Just try it and see how it works out.)

What makes us tired is when it becomes about us. Keep remembering Jesus' two commandments and accept his help in having us do that, and things change. Weird part is the "things change" has more to do with us being changed by God than our spouse changing to what we'd like.

 

[miknik5]

She watches the kids events and is involved in fundraising and stuff like that and drops kids off and picks them up but it's usually on her way home from work. As for exercising and eating healthy she is a bit of a pleasure seeker and prefers not to do anything too strenuous. Although my methods are proven effective she just prefers to walk but that actually does the opposite. It slows down your metabolism and increases weight around the abdomen. She will eat healthy as long as it tastes good so this usually means more work for me because I do most of the meals. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining I understand not everybody is like me and I try not to hold others to the standard I set for myself. She has other gifts. She is a frugal shopper and good planner. She makes sure the kids have what they need and more. I'm not bitter but as far as giving me what I would like out of the relationship, I accept that people have limitations. I love her but I don't feel the sense that life wouldn't go on without her. It sounds colder than I want it to but I put my will in the hands of the Almighty Father and if He desires to change her then that is between them. I have joy and peace but happiness eludes me for now. Although I am blessed I still look forward to the finish line of this race.

I think the problem stems from our running the mundane race in life and having our eyes on the wrong "treasures"

I am not not talking about seeing HIM at the end of this "race"; HE does not even compare to the "treasures" that the world passes off as important. What I'm talking about is the differences in people. Those who hold intangible treasures (joy, peace, love, goodness) higher than tangible "treasures", (things...trinkets!) and just getting by living an empty and mundane life thing this is living

 

[answers]

Sounds like an inner-conflict. People often lose themselves in a marriage, your life evolves around the marriage, your not an individual. Stop needing to be appreciated and try not to smother him with your emotional needs. Your trying to "make it work" when nothings broke. This can overwhelm a guy. What do you want? What's the void you want filled? Find yourself, your husband ain't the problem... jmo

Thank you for the reply, but there was a mistake in your response. Our marriage is in rough shape! I am not trying to fix things that are not broken...I do not even have the desire to do something like that. I am trying to save my marriage with him, but he is the type of person to brush things under the rug until there is an even bigger problem. He is like this with everything, not just our marriage, even financially.
I agree that I have lost myself as I am a homemaker, so my life literally revolves around my family, but he prefers that. I do not expect him to fill some void nor do I have many demands. I just want to be loved as I love him or how the bible instructs. I have higher expectations for myself than I do for him.

 

[answers]

That's a tough situation. In my experience, my wife and I have gone through times where it is hard to get along. We went through a brief time of it a few months ago. Sometimes this happened while moving, while on extended visits staying with parents (lots of time around in-laws, not in your own house), when getting ready to move, or something else really stressful. We got into a situation like this when she was pregnant, poor, and I was in school. It seems to correspond with stress.

From my perspective, it seems like she was always grumpy and criticizing, especially liking to point out areas where I needed to improve in long repetitive monologues that started after I went to bed late.

At least with this last round, she'd do that, and whenever she'd talk to me, I'd act annoyed. I'd want to avoid these monologues, of course, especially late at night. She didn't like it if I'd rather spend time reading email or whatever than talking with her (hearing the criticism.) She would be annoyed that I'd talk to her in a grumpy tone of voice. I thought she was being too sensitive about that. I wasn't trying to sound grumpy. Sometimes I'd have a cold or something. Maybe she was picking up on my annoyance, and that may have motivated her to criticize more. Part of it I think was the stress of our living situation.

I knew we needed to break out of the cycle. In the past, the way we did that was by humbling ourselves and really 'praying through' on the marriage issue, and confessing our sins to each other and apologizing. We were having a conversation, and I told her it was hard to talk with her when there was a constant stream of criticism. No one wants to talk to someone who just criticizes all the time. She stopped criticising and seemed aware that she was doing it. She point out how I always seemed irritated and did not want to talk with her. So we both apologized to one another, humbled ourselves and prayed.

Then we broke out of that cycle after we prayed. We could talk to each other without me feeling annoyed and without her criticising. Those seemed to be things that fed off each other and caused us both not to enjoy the other's company before. We could enjoy one another's company again.

So there may be something in there that you could consider. Is your husband a believer who could do something like I described above?

If he doesn't do prayer, then this may not work the same way. If there is something about the way that you talk to him that annoys him and makes him want to avoid you, you should identify that. If you feel the way you describe, I don't see how he would enjoy talking with you. The frustration and annoyance would come through in your voice. If you are critical of him, constantly, that is a problem, too. If you want to point out something your husband does wrong, you need to point it out gentlly, with tact, not repetitively. Keep it to the point, and don't pile on a list of small things that annoyed you from 10 years ago, especially things that have been resolved, when pointing out the big point you want to discuss. But try to spend some time talking about things that don't annoy you. Pray for God to give you a positive, loving attitude toward him.

If you were to come up to him totally in love with him, and talk to him like you did back when you first started going together, he'd probably respond somewhat warmly. But when there is resentment between husband and wife, that would be very difficult to do.

Thanks very much for taking so much time to share your experience. I hope we too can break our crazy cycle! My husband is a believer, but is still learning how to be a follower lead by scripture. I will see if he is open to your suggestion. I try really hard to not be critical, but there are times when it slips out. Funny you mentioned praying about God giving me a positive, loving attitude toward him cause that is part of my prayers regularly. Thanks again for your response

 

[answers]

You've given eight reasons why you're tired. And you said there were many more.

Reverse this. Now, come up with five reasons you love him.

And then five things you can do for him without expecting anything in return, (like expecting him to notice you, want more from him, want him to react better.)

(This isn't something you have to share with the class. Just try it and see how it works out.)

What makes us tired is when it becomes about us. Keep remembering Jesus' two commandments and accept his help in having us do that, and things change. Weird part is the "things change" has more to do with us being changed by God than our spouse changing to what we'd like.

That is easy! I love my husband and do not only see faults.

I love his chill nature!
I love his sense of humor
I love his corky personality (like he isn't one of the fellas who is "too cool")
I love his athleticism
I love his gorgeous brown eyes especially when we share eye contact

I do a ton of things daily without ever thinking I need something in return, so that is super easy for me.

thanks for the ideas! I agree about the fact of becoming tired when you dwell on yourself! So glad I have Jesus or I would not have made it this far.

 

[presidente]

Thank you for the reply, but there was a mistake in your response. Our marriage is in rough shape! I am not trying to fix things that are not broken...I do not even have the desire to do something like that. I am trying to save my marriage with him, but he is the type of person to brush things under the rug until there is an even bigger problem. He is like this with everything, not just our marriage, even financially.
I agree that I have lost myself as I am a homemaker, so my life literally revolves around my family, but he prefers that. I do not expect him to fill some void nor do I have many demands. I just want to be loved as I love him or how the bible instructs. I have higher expectations for myself than I do for him.

There have been times when the wife was saying, "Our marriage is in such big trouble" and the man is thinking, "The big trouble we have is you getting stressed out and thinking we are in big trouble." My wife used to have big emotional episodes during PMS (which has calmed down quite a bit with age) where life, or our marriage in particular, had all kinds of problems. She'd feel like that for several days. She was hard to get along with during those times. Any minor disagreement about nothing could turn into an argument. She didn't have the big emotional episodes every time, or not to that extreme. She'd be a little wound up during that time of the month and maybe get a bit more extreme once or twice a year. She'd get a bit like that during certain times during certain pregnancies, and a few days a month a couple of times after weaning a baby. But when she did, she'd say every time she has PMS I am like this to, and we have a big problem in our marriage. Me being like this to her meant I would disagree with something she'd say, and she'd get all worked up about it. For me, it was normal conversation we could have other days of the month without conflict.

Something that helped in her case was her taking responsibility for her own feelings instead of blaming them on me, and praying about it. I think the Lord must have done something because now PMS is a really minor deal in comparison to before.

I'm not saying that's your deal, but there are times in some marriages when the man legitimately does not see a big marriage problem--beyond his wife's temporary emotional state- but the wife does.