Seeking advice about potentially moving away from Family. (Sorry for being a burden!)

[Optimist]

My wife and I currently live with my family in Georgia, and while they do nice things for us that we appreciate (my mother gave my wife her old car, for instance) and generally act nice, there's some problems here that don't seem possible to resolve. We want to move to Washington State, where my wife's family lives - partly because we feel more comfortable and less controlled with her family than mine, and partly because Georgia life just isn't for us (no offense, fellow Georgians, it's still a lovely state full of nice people!). I still have a few concerns, obviously, since we're not completely independent adults yet and I've only visited Washington myself for two weeks, but it feels like the right thing to do.. maybe. We tried to discuss moving to Washington on a trial basis with my family, but they said we were not allowed to move out of Georgia ever because I had to take care of my family, my mom threatened to kill herself, my grandmother said she'd have a heart attack, and I was heavily guilt tripped into agreeing to give Georgia another chance. (And they attempted to coerce me with scripture into controlling my wife as the head of her household to make her stay with me as caretakers of my mom, grandmom and sister)

Anyway, if you guys wouldn't mind sharing your input, I'd greatly appreciate some opinions from other Christians...

1.) Are we being ungrateful? My family does nice things for us, they made sacrifices for me while I was young (my mother remarried my unfaithful father so he couldn't get joint custody of me or something because they didn't want me to be around him and his mistress), and I do feel bad moving away instead of staying nearby to help them out. (My poor uncle would have to pick up the yard work most likely, and console my family..)
My family also told us we haven't even given Georgia a chance because we stay in the basement most of the time instead of going out looking for jobs. (We have filled out countless online applications numerous times, and tried to apply in person at the few places that still do that. We also stay in the basement because it's generally uncomfortable upstairs; my family is easy to offend, have said many hurtful things to my wife without apology, and frequently say judgmental or racist things about people.) My family will take this as a personal betrayal most likely, since we'd be moving in with my wife's family until we get on our feet in Washington.

2.) How long should we wait to move? My grandfather passed on in November of last year, leaving our current household with my grandmother, my mother, my adopted sister, myself, and my wife. My aunt and uncle and their two kids live nearby. This adds to my guilt greatly, because my family is still in mourning his death. (It was brought up when we mentioned moving.) There's also the fact we haven't tried living on our own in Georgia yet, though we fear my family will still try to be controlling, to the point that my wife doesn't feel comfortable having kids here. My wife wants to move as soon as possible, but it's harder for me to do something I know will hurt my family.

3.) Should we move out in secret or be honest? This is another struggle for me. Initially, I wanted to be honest with my family, but it turned into a huge one-sided argument, and they forbade us from leaving Georgia. They're basically never going to accept it, and my mom threatened she would call the police if my wife's mom came to take her to the airport. So even though it wouldn't be honest, would you pack your backs in secret and sneak away if you were in our position, or attempt to fight through a war on your way out the door? I know it's not right, but it feels like there's no other option here...

4.) Would it be harder to live in Washington than Georgia? Taking family out of the equation, is the cost of living that much worse in Vancouver, WA than it is in rural GA? Is it any harder or easier to find jobs there? I know there's a lot of very cheap foreclosed housing in Georgia that seems attractive to a new family just starting out; not sure how different it would be to find a home in Washington. Just wondering if there's any real reasons Washington would be unpleasant to move to.

Thank you for your time and patience. I'm sorry for making such long threads asking for advice, but it's the most complicated mess of my life, lol...

 

[amazed]

Leave your mother and your father and cleave to your wife .. you are big people now, go out on your own and live your lives according to the Word of God. Living with family is not recommended. By making your own decision together, your form bonds, and when there are other people doing that for you .. your going to be divided.

 

[Lucy68]

Too bad that Georgia and Washington are so far apart. Mainly, you and your wife should be living in your own household and supporting yourselves...wherever that may be. That would be better for everybody. Now, your feeling obligated to take care of your family instead of actually 'wanting to'. And your mom is using the guilt trip to try to get her way and calm her fears.

I don't think moving in with the other family is a good idea either. Instead, I suggest you really try hard to find a job...anywhere...and move there. While at the same time reassuring your mom that she will be taken care of. She obviously has some big fears about being abandoned.

 

[Nautilus]

its your life and your choice. If they try to guilt trip you then call their bluff.

 

[piper27]

From your description above, sounds like a toxic cocktail. Very unhealthy atmosphere and relationships (and unhealthy childhood for you) Your wife and you need to develop your own identity apart from your family (codependance??).
Best wishes for you.

 

[Optimist]

Thank you for taking the time to help us, everyone. We're still trying to find a job and get some independence - it does bother me that we'd just be moving from one parent's house to another until we can get on our feet, but whether we stay in Georgia or go to Washington we'll have to depend on somebody until we can land jobs and get on our feet. My mother-in-law has spoken with her boss and would be able to get my wife on at her job really easy if we moved to Washington; meanwhile, my uncle here is trying to get me a job at his office somehow. We've been stuck with my family for over a year and a half now trying to find any job and move out, with very little success.

I'm not really sure how to reassure my mom, unless we moved within an hour away from her. Talking to my family is.. difficult. :l I realize when they say mean things it's out of fear, but a lot of things they say are statements of fact to them, and it really hurts my wife's feelings/makes it hard for her to stay near them. (ie saying my mother-in-law is a bad person that would steal from us or just keep us trapped there for welfare or something, calling my wife's family and state godless & sinful, calling us bad Christians and often using Bible verses to try to prove it, etc.)

Sorry for rambling on about these problems. We don't have anyone outside the situation to confide in, lol.

 

[Ariel82]

wow. she really shouldn't use the Bible to try and control and manipulate you into doing what she wants.

I would be open and honest about leaving. it might be an unpleasant scene but what do you mean take care of your mother, grandmother and sister? does any of them have jobs? how are the bills paid?

Washington will be colder and i don't know what the cost of living is there.

ever thought about going back to school and getting training in a job?

getting a job is not just about skills its about networking and getting to know people.

either way your family shouldn't be guilt tripping you into staying and you should talk to your mom about speaking lies about your wife and her family.

May God guide you and bless you with wisdom.

 

[rachelsedge]

If your mother is serious about killing herself if you move (as well as your grandmother having a heart attack, which by the way is not something you can plan...), then she needs professional help. I'm serious. Your whole family sounds like they have issues if they think you'd be "betraying" them by moving. They are grown adults and you and your wife are grown adults. You can make your own decisions and your family should understand that you can have your own life without getting their permission for everything.

You and your wife are one flesh; you are not one flesh with your family. Your first obligation is to your wife. You need to look after her well-being. It sounds like your family is bullying her and you both need to get out of that situation.

Are you being ungrateful? No. It sounds like you are thankful that your family has taken you in while you look for jobs. But they should not be holding this over your head, or insisting that you live with them forever.

You said you're afraid of moving because you're afraid of hurting your family, but they are hurting you by holding you down and they are also hurting your wife. She is now your family.

I wouldn't move out in secret. If they call the police, there's nothing the police can do. You're not breaking the law by moving out against your mother's will. It sounds like there's nothing you can say to your family to get them to realize how damaging their actions are. You need to get away from them and that environment.

I know you love your family, so I know that's difficult. But your marriage is going to suffer if you stay there. Your wife already is, and it sounds like you're pretty miserable as well.

 

[Optimist]

My mother has a pretty good job, my grandmother draws social security and other benefits, and my sister is fourteen - she's also never had a single day of proper schooling. My grandmother has tried to homeschool her with ABEKA, but, well... let's just say they were lazy, and I got paid to enable them. Not something I'm proud of. They have this peculiar idea that they're helpless, and need a man around to change lightbulbs, take out garbage, pump gas for them/go in stores for them when I'm in the car, etc..They never need me around for anything particularly important, just odd servile tasks. (They rely on my Uncle for anything significant, such as taking my grandfather to the hospital when he was ill)

Thank you for the tips about job hunting. I've tried defending my wife and her family, but they don't see what they're saying as lies to control us, they see it as statements of fact - and some things they say are harsh judgements of mistakes my wife's family has made. (Her father used to be alcoholic but has recovered amazingly well, her parents like to gamble once a month, many of them have fornicated before but they aren't really promiscuous, nor do they pressure anyone to repeat their mistakes.) I feel a strong desire to "fix" my family, but my wife feels it's a fruitless effort (as she used to have the same feeling when she moved here), and it's hard to disagree with her.

I know it wouldn't be right to move out in secret, but it's awfully tempting. My wife fears their overbearing guilt trips will succeed, since I've been something of a doormat my entire life, and I'm somewhat afraid of the same thing... It's very hard to make and watch my family cry, because they truly won't understand why we're leaving.

When thinking about where we want to live, I can't think of anything in Georgia that appeals to me... besides Chik-Fil-A. And yeah, there's nice people with good hearts in the old country Baptist churches we go to, but the sermons are nearly identical (To summarize and with all due respect because their hearts are in the right place, 'Preaching is hard, God is good, Lost people are going to Hell, so get saved.'), and trying other churches feels like a hassle because of dealing with my family's criticisms.
And yeah, I feel like we can just deal with it and do what we want... but then I listen to myself. "We can deal with it." As if living here, as if my family, is a chore we're just dealing with because we have to. That doesn't feel right, especially for my wife - who had no idea what she was getting herself into marrying me, LoL. (I did vent to her about my family's quirks when they annoyed me, but she always thought I was exaggerating.)

Thank you for all of your encouraging words, it's helped my wife's feelings in particular; we'll be praying for guidance, too. I'll shut up for now - forgive me for pouring all of our troubles out here, it just feels so good to vent and confide in open-minded people.

 

[PopClick]

Hey. Don't worry about asking for advice; that's one reason we're here.

I gotta say, when you got to the part about your mom threatening to call the police if you left, that just screams "get away from them". You can love them from a distance. They'll be fine. I doubt your mom is serious about killing herself; it sounded like a desperate attempt to manipulate you into staying. If they really loved you as much as they ought to, they wouldn't try so desperately to control your actions and make you feel bad about these difficult life-changing choices you're trying to make.

To Optimist's wife: I know it's rough to have your loved ones spoken poorly of. I'm not going to tell you not to let it bother you, because I know you don't really have control over whether it bothers you or not. But I would encourage you to pour your heart out to God, and tell Him how you feel about what you in-laws are saying. Even though He already knows. It's really the very best way that I know of to let off steam. "Cast your burdens to the Lord, and He will sustain you." The things that your in-laws are saying don't reflect on you or your character or upbringing in the slightest.

The two of you don't seem concerned about your marriage weathering this storm, but I want to say this anyway. In one of the best, Godliest marriages I've ever seen, the husband and wife BOTH had parents who behaved much like yours. And their union didn't just last, it thrived. If you leave, you might have to cut off contact with your parents, for a while at least, right afterwards. They will probably get a little bit ruder and more belligerent right after you leave. But I really hope that you listen more to where God wants you, as opposed to where you manipulative relatives want you.

"But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."

 

[rachelsedge]

Optimist, I re-read my post and I hope I didn't come off too harsh. It just seems like you're living in a pretty toxic environment, one that I think you should get out of.

PopClick brings up a good point: Where do you feel God wants you and your wife to go? Do you feel led any particular place or just feel led to get out of the house that you're in? I really can't say much about the difference between Georgia and Washington as I've never been to either, though it sounds like you've already made up your mind about Georgia.

 

[Optimist]

No worries, you didn't come off as harsh. It was all reasonable conclusions from what I've been saying - if anything, I worry that I'm painting too harsh a picture of my family in these posts out of anger/stress, though I have said nothing that wasn't simple fact. My wife and I worried briefly about our marriage after my family freaked out on us recently, but we have good communication and are both very reasonable people. My wife only recently found salvation after moving to Georgia, and hasn't figured everything out about God and Christianity yet, but she says she feels led to go to Washington to help her family, and worries about them - many of them aren't Christian and struggle with sinful habits, and her little sister is in trouble from hanging out with a bad crowd and a crappy boyfriend. I don't feel she's just saying this to manipulate our decision, since she's never been manipulative in the several years I've known her.

My family keeps unintentionally making me feel guilty about planning to leave, too. They're planning a family vacation to Florida with us and my uncle's family this summer, and when we aren't crossed up with them, they frequently do nice things for us. Guilt is a crushing feeling, lol.. I can't decide if we should leave soon and get it over with/get on with our lives, or wait for a time that's... well.. slightly easier for my family to handle...? (I know, I know, the logic fails.) Mostly struggling to figure out if it's the right decision or not.. My wife worries we'll procrastinate and wind up staying in Georgia forever just because we don't want to upset my family.

While I still firmly believe my wife and I were made for each other, I highly discourage people from moving long distances to meet/possibly marry your internet love unless you're absolutely prepared for the complications that could follow. Let us be a cautionary tale, LoL.

 

[Lucy68]

You and your wife really need to get some emotional (and physical) distance from both families. You can then see things more clearly and be able to 'think' without all the drama and emotion. Being self-supportive will be the best thing for you at this point. Your mom, grandmother, and sister can do more things for themselves than they realize. It is always best to insist that people do for themselves what they are capable of doing. Not having you around may be very good for them. Self-dependence is a very good feeling.

They may not realize it but it sounds like they are trying to keep you dependent on them financially so that they can manipulate you into doing what they want. This is not healthy for anyone involved.

I homeschooled with Abeka and know that it's a very demanding curriculum. Is it possible for your sister to enter another form of education...is there a Christian school nearby?

Anyone who uses the Bible as a way to manipulate people is very close to offending God.

Praying for you...strength, guidance, love, and patience....

 

[Optimist]

I would like to get a bit of independence before deciding on a cross-country move - maybe get an apartment or something at least - but it's difficult, as we have no jobs, no useful connections, and only ~$700 in savings at the moment. My wife really wants to go back to Washington, and not just for her family; she likes the area better, there's more things to do outside of the house, and it's just more comfortable. She's a little impatient because, as said before, she's afraid we'll waste another year of our life together struggling to get away from my family, and still be stuck where we are now - or if we actually get a house in Georgia, that we may wind up unhappy even on our own because we don't particularly like living here.

Thank you for your support and prayers!

 

[rachelsedge]

I think it'd be wise for you to both have secured jobs out in Washington before you move. Moving is expensive (I moved twice last year, each an 800 mile move. That was very stressful in every way, including financially!) and if you moved out there with no guarantees of jobs, that might be financially unwise.

That being said, it's quite difficult to apply for a job that's out of your state. I've done that before. Unless companies are willing to do phone interviews instead of in-person, it's a bit harder to job hunt since you can really only go off of what is listed online; you can't physically go around to places to see if they are hiring.

On the other hand, if you get a job where you are now in Georgia, most employers wouldn't like knowing that it's only a temporary job until you can save enough money to move to Washington. Though I guess it depends on how "temporary" that'd be: if it was for a couple of years, that might be more negotiable.

Sorry that wasn't very encouraging or helpful...just trying to throw out some things to think about. It's a tough situation to be in, my prayers are with you Optimist!

 

[Kefa52]

Do what ever your wife wants to do. Happy wife = Happy life.

 

[AAAPlus]

1.) Are we being ungrateful?
No, you're not being ungrateful. Parents should ​make sacrifices for their children; it's part of being a parent. You don't owe them just because they weren't neglectful of you. And look at what they're doing to you now; they're psychologically manipulating you with threats of suicide and trying to get you to interpret scripture harshly against your wife.

2.) How long should we wait to move?
As soon as you can. Honestly, the longer you wait, the more difficult it will become to leave.

3.) Should we move out in secret or be honest?
From what you've described, your family is adamant about keeping you there and they aren't budging an inch. Though it's not ideal, sneaking away might be your best option. Although, in the end, you're the man and you have to make the best decision for you and your wife. How you leave is an important decision, so make sure you do it right.

4.) Would it be harder to live in Washington than Georgia?
There are definitely more jobs in the city than in rural areas. The cost of living is also higher. It about equals out. It will take some getting used to living in the city, but for the most part there are far more opportunities in the city than in the country.

Don't worry; you're in a tough situation and we understand that it's stressful. I'm praying for ya. Both of you.

 

[AmyNich74]

James 1:2-4 and Jeremiah 29:11 are the scriptures I stood on when I left my entire family. I moved to Houston and it was hard. Just my daughter and I. I had no money or food. The lady next to us on the bus fed my daughter. I was so afraid but was soooo sick of the family controlling me and the guilt trips. The day I got to Texas was the beginning of a wonderful journey with God and his faithfulness in my life. Very hard mentally and physically but I would quote the scriptures and I would keep moving forward. Best thing I ever did. I just had to slap fear in the face because that is what was holding me back. I now talk to family on good terms and if they start acting controlling (even from a distance they still try) by phone or email by trying to convince me to move back that it is dangerous for a single mom to be living in Houston. I just remind myself that I would rather be here with God guiding me alone than to be among family who are controlling and shady. Listen to God and find scriptures that you can stand on. It helps

 

[Optimist]

I feel like moving to Washington is the right decision for myself and my wife; all that's left is an overwhelming fear of defying and hurting my family, and the usual nagging doubts that come with any decision. We're planning to take 6 suitcases, 2 carry-on bags and 2 personal bags for our belongings, just gotta find 2 more decent suitcases from the local thrift stores. There's been a surprisingly good selection of cheap luggage in good condition lately.

Thanks for your support - every post has been a blessing in some way, and helped me sort through a tangled mess of thoughts and feelings. I hope we can pass along the favor one day.

 

[Blooming_Violet]

I feel like moving to Washington is the right decision for myself and my wife; all that's left is an overwhelming fear of defying and hurting my family, and the usual nagging doubts that come with any decision. We're planning to take 6 suitcases, 2 carry-on bags and 2 personal bags for our belongings, just gotta find 2 more decent suitcases from the local thrift stores. There's been a surprisingly good selection of cheap luggage in good condition lately.

Thanks for your support - every post has been a blessing in some way, and helped me sort through a tangled mess of thoughts and feelings. I hope we can pass along the favor one day.

Well, you have made your decision. I have to express some sort of reasoning. Personally I think you are missing a few major factors. As someone who has lived in both locations, I think you have some holes in your logic. The same things that are plaguing you in GA will plague you in WA. While your family is not ideal, they are NOT the problem. I do not hear God leading you in your decision at all.

You are escaping, and that is not a solution.

What is your job experience? Do you have education? What type of work do you enjoy? Bringing your wife home without employment for yourself is going to cause resentment. You are not acting as the head of your home. You are simply moving from your family to hers. If she is truly a baby Christian and her family is not saved she will be tempted significantly and the seeds that were planted may not take root. Are you willing to take that chance?

You need to work. God has ordained it. Start out small. Get two part time jobs if you have to. Humble yourself. Save. Make a small move. Invest in your future by making a plan. I agree with everyone who said you need to leave and cleave. That is 100% true. But you do not need to make this big a move. If you really want adventure, then send your wife home (only if she could not stand your family alone) and get a job in North Dakota for one of the mining/oil companies. They are booming. You do not need experience and they pay really well. Then send for your wife and make a home together.

You need a plan. Absconding to Washington in the middle of the night is not going to improve your situation. Did the Lord EVER do anything hidden in the darkness. If going to WA is truly a God sent decision then you must stand up in the light and be bold. I know you are not going to like this post, but I really believe you need to look at yourself and your actions in this. Your family may never be content with your choices, but they are yours. You are a husband, and possibly or someday will be a father. What would you want your child to do?

Blooming_Violet