Should I Divorce My Wife???

[Stephen]

Hello remus777, From a man in a very similar situation I am praying for you and your family. I pray you continue to seek His wisdom and be open to hear the counsel of brothers and sisters even if you don't necessarily agree at first. I say this because as the situation unfolds and develops there will probably be revelations and new understandings. Peace be with you.

 

[Summer21]

Your wife has some identity issues that are making her vulnerable to ALL "out there" in the "world". You really love her and GOD wants you together no matter the wiles of the enemy all over her (1 John 5:19). However, you override his power because you are consecrated as ONE. She will come back to you if you are steadfast and keep getting further Christian family counseling and support. It could takes days, months, years BUT YOU WILL WIN THE WAR BECAUSE CHRIST HAS ALREADY WON IT FOR YOU --FOR ALL OF US BELIEVERS. You came together very dedicated in HIM --He is that third cord and HE will NEVER NEVER NEVER BREAK IT. JESUS CHRIST IS THE WINNER ALWAYS. Your children's emotional stability rests in YOUR RESTING IN KNOWING THAT HE WILL FIX IT HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES. You will be an incredible model of HIS love to them and yourself if you can commit to this and of course her heart will melt FOR TRUTH AND LOVE EVENTUALLY---IF YOU REMAIN STEADFAST. There is also a feeling of power imbalance perhaps --with you clear and legal minded and she being tossed about both inside of herself, then compounded by all the lies she is being fed. I tried to leave my husband but he won me back through his steadfastness and because the LORD opened my eyes to the Truth over time. Yet I could never want to be separated from my kids --that is most disturbing of all and you have to get to the root of that. Was she abused as child --1 in 3 girls are molested in childhood, or is it something else perhaps, because the turning away from her kids makes me think that she is really running away from the kid inside herself unconsciously. Say your daughter is about to turn 10 and your wife suffered some awful abuse at the same age-- this might set her off. The way that she tells different people different things suggests that she herself does not really know what she thinks about any of it in any REAL CLEAR SENSE and it's just a really cliche "culturally acceptable" way of running away by saying "I need to find myself"--yeah, find myself far away from PAIN I don't know how to deal with or face at any REAL level. Pray that the Holy Spirit gives you revelation about her on the inside. HE WILL. Keep being a TRULY LOVING FATHER EVERYDAY and tell your children that sometimes people go through personal hells that have nothing to do with them and her love for them but that sometimes people do not know any other way to "deal". YOUR CONTINUAL COMPASSION AND LOVE TOWARDS HER IN YOUR DEMEANOR WILL TRANSCEND AND TRANSMUTE MOST OF THE SORROW AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN JESUS' GRACE. I forget which O.T. book--but remember GOD orders a prophet to marry a prostitute to teach Israel about forgiveness and a returning unto HIM--find it. Your wife is no prostitute, but that's what GOD likens all of us to when we stray from HIM, YET HE NEVER LETS ANY OF US GO. I will keep you and your blessed children in prayer. MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND BRING HER SAFELY HOME TO YOU

 

[Summer21]

The prophet marrying the prostitute to teach Israel about faithfulness is Hosea in the O.T. Again--GOD BLESS YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY

 

[Summer21]

I have to add as well, if your wife was abused in any way she may not even be aware of it. My husband suffered severe infancy sexual abuse and otherwise. He remembers it but NOT ALL DO. Even if she were older, she could black out and repress EVERYTHING as if it never "happened" and truly believe that ---but her BODY KNOWS and it may be fighting to come to the surface and she may be fighting for her "life" for it NOT TO. I could be going in a totally wrong direction with her, but these are REAL POSSIBILITIES. How is it possible for her to have raised her step-kids with you and now turn her back on her very own flesh??!! None of that makes sense until you look deeper into her. There has to be a deeper root cause and you will get to the bottom of it with time, commitment and most of all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE--THE KIND OF LOVE WE SEE GIVEN TO US ON THE CROSS. Get under that CROSS and let the LORD SPEAK UNTO YOU I PRAY IN JESUS' ALL-POWERFUL NAME. AMEN

 

[remus777]

Thank you, Summer21. This was very helpful. Believe me, none of this makes sense. From her turning her back on everyone, not speaking to me or the kids, to not even wanting any part of the house. We bought a really nice home that she picked out...really nice. It is amazing that she walked away from it all. I think she may have attachment disorder. Who knows.

I have to add as well, if your wife was abused in any way she may not even be aware of it. My husband suffered severe infancy sexual abuse and otherwise. He remembers it but NOT ALL DO. Even if she were older, she could black out and repress EVERYTHING as if it never "happened" and truly believe that ---but her BODY KNOWS and it may be fighting to come to the surface and she may be fighting for her "life" for it NOT TO. I could be going in a totally wrong direction with her, but these are REAL POSSIBILITIES. How is it possible for her to have raised her step-kids with you and now turn her back on her very own flesh??!! None of that makes sense until you look deeper into her. There has to be a deeper root cause and you will get to the bottom of it with time, commitment and most of all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE--THE KIND OF LOVE WE SEE GIVEN TO US ON THE CROSS. Get under that CROSS and let the LORD SPEAK UNTO YOU I PRAY IN JESUS' ALL-POWERFUL NAME. AMEN

 

[Summer21]

I'm truly glad my words were of some help to you. You sound like a very nice person, dedicated family man and successful provider. It's pretty baffling to walk away from. She absolutely may have attachment issues. I was so overwhelmed with both love and stress when my guys were babies that I sort of formed a second life in some twisted attempt at coping. People are very complicated beings and react in all sorts of ways when feeling great pressure. I just deeply pray you can get to the root issue and find some peace in that as she journeys through this battle she is in with herself most of all. There's this incredible, easy read book called "Don't Let Jerks Get the Best of You", can't find my blessed little copy that seems to hide on me and can't recall the author, a Dr. M something psychologist,--amazing read. He heads a really successful mental health clinic where they treat people with all sorts of really difficult, traumatic backgrounds. One thing he taught me is that 80% of your average person's "actions" stem directly from the unconscious--we're all kind of like genetic robots until we truly start to face and deal with what is motivating us. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is nudging me for you to read this book that may give you further insight into yourself and your wife. I will keep my prayers with you, GOD BLESS YOU BROTHER

 

[remus777]

Thank you, Steve

Hello remus777, From a man in a very similar situation I am praying for you and your family. I pray you continue to seek His wisdom and be open to hear the counsel of brothers and sisters even if you don't necessarily agree at first. I say this because as the situation unfolds and develops there will probably be revelations and new understandings. Peace be with you.

 

[remus777]

By Dr. Paul Meier. Found it! Thanks a million!

I'm truly glad my words were of some help to you. You sound like a very nice person, dedicated family man and successful provider. It's pretty baffling to walk away from. She absolutely may have attachment issues. I was so overwhelmed with both love and stress when my guys were babies that I sort of formed a second life in some twisted attempt at coping. People are very complicated beings and react in all sorts of ways when feeling great pressure. I just deeply pray you can get to the root issue and find some peace in that as she journeys through this battle she is in with herself most of all. There's this incredible, easy read book called "Don't Let Jerks Get the Best of You", can't find my blessed little copy that seems to hide on me and can't recall the author, a Dr. M something psychologist,--amazing read. He heads a really successful mental health clinic where they treat people with all sorts of really difficult, traumatic backgrounds. One thing he taught me is that 80% of your average person's "actions" stem directly from the unconscious--we're all kind of like genetic robots until we truly start to face and deal with what is motivating us. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is nudging me for you to read this book that may give you further insight into yourself and your wife. I will keep my prayers with you, GOD BLESS YOU BROTHER

 

[Summer21]

Found my little book "Don't Let Jerks Get the Best of You", author Dr. Paul Meier and forgot to explain the most noteworthy part of it is that he is a Christian Psychologist who uses and illustrates how the WORD of God completely lines up with psychological healing practices. For an example in regard to the heart of man he writes in chapter six, part II called "Meet the Enemy-He Is Definitely Us -STEP ONE: Take a Good Look at the Jerk Within" and quotes Jeremiah 17:9-10, "The heart is deceitful above all things...who can know it. I the LORD search the heart, I test the mind" then he writes "As the LORD searches our hearts, he pushes up only a little bit of our repressed thoughts, feelings, and motives at a time; if He pushed them ALL up, we couldn't stand it. Because the brain is automatically self-protective against pain, it keeps pushing these repressed thoughts feelings and motives back down as the Holy Spirit pushes them back up from below. But rather than facing the truth about ourselves, we prefer to use what psychiatrists call defense mechanisms to find ways to make the jerk within seem like a pretty good guy after all." We are all jerks to some degree he explains and that until we face ourselves very deeply we can't even begin to see others correctly and thus can't help them either. Maybe if you work further on delving into yourself with a book like this then perhaps further insight into your wife might follow. You can only serve yourself and your children better by looking deeper into who you are first and how conscious or unconscious you are with yourself.

I started on this site days ago and was at one of my very lowest points ever. I have been too cut off from other Christians who I do truly need at some deep spiritual level and I think maybe I finally found a way to connect with some of them, a way that's good for me and them. I had never done anything like this prior and I can see that there is some value in this for me and my personal journey with the LORD so I'm very hopeful today when I was anything but days ago.

My marriage has been through a journey I could never have ever imagined going through with anyone ever but I know the LORD is using every bit of it for my spiritual growth so I try not to fight it like I used to when I had zero understanding. I felt so disconnected the other day I called my marriage "many years over" so I still battle those moments of utter disconnection. My marriage is a work in progress like anything really, like yours really. I would not consider any legalities in your position. I would only encourage you to take a deeper look into yourself and see how well you really know the roots of your own motivations first.

All I really want is that beautiful home you spoke of and yet just the other day I had to tell an old friend "You could put me in a palace and crown me queen of the world and I would walk away from all of it if it meant I had to live with a man who would willingly deceive me."

I do not imply you are deceiving your wife but there's something very strong in her, some fear or pain she can't face, SOMETHING that is driving her away that God wants to reveal to you and to her because I don't believe she is yet aware of it. With inner work it might come to you before it ever comes to her because you are ONE in God's eyes and He will reveal it you if you keep praying for it and facing yourself very honestly hard as the process can sometimes be, Jesus wants to set us free by what --BY THE TRUTH. Why would He deny it to you if you steadfastly seek it --He will reveal it to you in time if you persist and keep facing deeper parts of yourself. He's done it for me over and over. I have really struggled with depression. Being there for others, even just a little, is type of Godly medicine for me I can see. So I just wanted to write a bit more that the Lord put upon my heart. I pray it is of some value to you. GOD BLESS YOU REMUS777- I always loved 777 too which is why I sometimes use 21 as a variation. BEST WISHES TO YOU THIS DAY

 

[Summer21]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! I did not see your response but got it just now. I'm so glad that you found the book!! It's just incredibly insightful and applicable. I reference it ALL the time. I still really struggle in certain ways but I KNOW this book has helped my journey for the better ABSOLUTELY. None of realize how unconsciously we tend to act and we all need to take time on this in ourselves. I hope you enjoy the personal journey you take with little gem o a book! MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU!

 

[Mayco]

Pray to the Lord, that what ever it is, you and her handle it.
There are so many reasons why people do these things.
Many times, it is shame. A desire to hide.
There are affairs. There are addictions and secrets that came back that were hidden before.
Bad friends pull people away.
I know your mind is wandering about what it could be. That alone is hard.
You probably have many scenarios in your head and the action you will take if any one of those scenarios is the one.
God sees all of them. Nothing is hidden from Him.
I know as a man, the first thought goes to an affair. We aren't supermen.
We aren' perfect and we do get suspicious.
We think that, because even in the best of homes and in the best of lives, they happen.
I know we all made the vows. "Till death." Life has a way of testing those vows.
Can those vows survive adultery? Can they survive a secret addiction? Can they survive a life of lies?
I battled with those questions too. You are not alone.
Even Peter, who saw, ate with, touched, and witnessed the Lord Himself, faltered.
This is not an excuse to fail, but to say that we all hurt, we all regret, we all wish things were different than they are.
It took me a long time to just let a lot go and keep praying.
It is easy for us to say "do this" "do that". We aren't feeling your pain.
We give advice and then go away to our own lives.
One thing I know is true. Keep praying brother.
I feel it, because it happened to me.
In all that pain, I could not see how close the Lord was to me, just waiting.
It's okay to hurt.
Mike

 

[remus777]

Hmmmm...sounds very interesting. I can't wait to start reading it. I know I have a lot of jerk in me. I have been using this time to do much reflecting, asking God to make me more like Him. I imagine that He saw this coming, even when I was a little boy. I know and understand that this storm is designed to make me more like Him. It's working. I am sure she is becoming more like Him as well. I believe that He knew I would need this book and brought you to this site for just this reason. God is and has definitely used you. Thank you, Summer777. ;-)

Found my little book "Don't Let Jerks Get the Best of You", author Dr. Paul Meier and forgot to explain the most noteworthy part of it is that he is a Christian Psychologist who uses and illustrates how the WORD of God completely lines up with psychological healing practices. For an example in regard to the heart of man he writes in chapter six, part II called "Meet the Enemy-He Is Definitely Us -STEP ONE: Take a Good Look at the Jerk Within" and quotes Jeremiah 17:9-10, "The heart is deceitful above all things...who can know it. I the LORD search the heart, I test the mind" then he writes "As the LORD searches our hearts, he pushes up only a little bit of our repressed thoughts, feelings, and motives at a time; if He pushed them ALL up, we couldn't stand it. Because the brain is automatically self-protective against pain, it keeps pushing these repressed thoughts feelings and motives back down as the Holy Spirit pushes them back up from below. But rather than facing the truth about ourselves, we prefer to use what psychiatrists call defense mechanisms to find ways to make the jerk within seem like a pretty good guy after all." We are all jerks to some degree he explains and that until we face ourselves very deeply we can't even begin to see others correctly and thus can't help them either. Maybe if you work further on delving into yourself with a book like this then perhaps further insight into your wife might follow. You can only serve yourself and your children better by looking deeper into who you are first and how conscious or unconscious you are with yourself.

I started on this site days ago and was at one of my very lowest points ever. I have been too cut off from other Christians who I do truly need at some deep spiritual level and I think maybe I finally found a way to connect with some of them, a way that's good for me and them. I had never done anything like this prior and I can see that there is some value in this for me and my personal journey with the LORD so I'm very hopeful today when I was anything but days ago.

My marriage has been through a journey I could never have ever imagined going through with anyone ever but I know the LORD is using every bit of it for my spiritual growth so I try not to fight it like I used to when I had zero understanding. I felt so disconnected the other day I called my marriage "many years over" so I still battle those moments of utter disconnection. My marriage is a work in progress like anything really, like yours really. I would not consider any legalities in your position. I would only encourage you to take a deeper look into yourself and see how well you really know the roots of your own motivations first.

All I really want is that beautiful home you spoke of and yet just the other day I had to tell an old friend "You could put me in a palace and crown me queen of the world and I would walk away from all of it if it meant I had to live with a man who would willingly deceive me."

I do not imply you are deceiving your wife but there's something very strong in her, some fear or pain she can't face, SOMETHING that is driving her away that God wants to reveal to you and to her because I don't believe she is yet aware of it. With inner work it might come to you before it ever comes to her because you are ONE in God's eyes and He will reveal it you if you keep praying for it and facing yourself very honestly hard as the process can sometimes be, Jesus wants to set us free by what --BY THE TRUTH. Why would He deny it to you if you steadfastly seek it --He will reveal it to you in time if you persist and keep facing deeper parts of yourself. He's done it for me over and over. I have really struggled with depression. Being there for others, even just a little, is type of Godly medicine for me I can see. So I just wanted to write a bit more that the Lord put upon my heart. I pray it is of some value to you. GOD BLESS YOU REMUS777- I always loved 777 too which is why I sometimes use 21 as a variation. BEST WISHES TO YOU THIS DAY

 

[remus777]

Powerful, POWERFUL questions you pose, Mike. Can those vows survive adultery? Can they survive a secret addiction? Can they survive a life of lies? It is almost an oxymoron. For in the vows the commitment is that the only thing that the vow cannot survive is death. So the obvious answer is yes, as long as I am alive my vow to her will outlive all of these. But experiencing them gives new meaning to the vows. "Till death do us part." Really?

I like when Shakespeare penned, "For I am falser than vows made in wine." I guess I can say I was drunk from love when I made my vows. No, but seriously. I would have to say that even through adultery, through lies, through addiction, through any painful experience my commitment remains, because the vow itself is married to life and as long as there is life in me there is the vow, "till death do us part." Love your post. Gives me much to think about.

Pray to the Lord, that what ever it is, you and her handle it.
There are so many reasons why people do these things.
Many times, it is shame. A desire to hide.
There are affairs. There are addictions and secrets that came back that were hidden before.
Bad friends pull people away.
I know your mind is wandering about what it could be. That alone is hard.
You probably have many scenarios in your head and the action you will take if any one of those scenarios is the one.
God sees all of them. Nothing is hidden from Him.
I know as a man, the first thought goes to an affair. We aren't supermen.
We aren' perfect and we do get suspicious.
We think that, because even in the best of homes and in the best of lives, they happen.
I know we all made the vows. "Till death." Life has a way of testing those vows.
Can those vows survive adultery? Can they survive a secret addiction? Can they survive a life of lies?
I battled with those questions too. You are not alone.
Even Peter, who saw, ate with, touched, and witnessed the Lord Himself, faltered.
This is not an excuse to fail, but to say that we all hurt, we all regret, we all wish things were different than they are.
It took me a long time to just let a lot go and keep praying.
It is easy for us to say "do this" "do that". We aren't feeling your pain.
We give advice and then go away to our own lives.
One thing I know is true. Keep praying brother.
I feel it, because it happened to me.
In all that pain, I could not see how close the Lord was to me, just waiting.
It's okay to hurt.
Mike

 

[BarlyGurl]

the vows were meant you comitted to stick together in sickness and health, for better or worse... not that one of you holds up the comitment while the other has vacated the union... you make an idol by asserting your broken marriage and your adulterous wife are above the whole counsel of God. Asserting to OUT LIVE your vows might get you something different than you expect...

 

[remus777]

Is God not able? Does God, a loving God, sit back and watch His child, who wishes only to do what is pleasing in His sight, suffer endlessly at the hands of the unrighteous? Would He not avenge His own? You know He will not. The Lord will cut off people from the earth before He allows His children to endure pain at the hands of the wicked. It is somewhat troublesome when people make statements such as this that suggest that God would sooner allow an innocent spouse to suffer for the sake of a vow than to step in and remove the wrongdoer totally. In His hands are life and death. I've heard of abusive spouses simply not waking up one morning. All throughout scripture we see God standing up for His children and killing the offender. God IS able. There are far more solutions than taking matters into my own hands to....to what exactly? Make my life better? Only God can make my life better. He speaks and I move and my life is peaceful, for he directs my paths.

I have no idea what you are trying to suggest in this post. I do know that 99% of your suggestions are negative, so I try SO hard to ignore them. Please, do not respond to any more of my posting. There are scores of other people on this site that you can share your negative thought with. Just do not do it with me. Thanks.

the vows were meant you comitted to stick together in sickness and health, for better or worse... not that one of you holds up the comitment while the other has vacated the union... you make an idol by asserting your broken marriage and your adulterous wife are above the whole counsel of God. Asserting to OUT LIVE your vows might get you something different than you expect...

 

[remus777]

And not only are 99% of your posts negative, they are assumptions. Was this post even for me? Who said I have an adulterous wife? Do you know that to be a fact? How do you know? Did you see her with another man? If any man (or woman) speak one thing that is not true, chances are most of what they are saying is not true and does not even deserve a response. So....I'm not responding to you anymore.

the vows were meant you comitted to stick together in sickness and health, for better or worse... not that one of you holds up the comitment while the other has vacated the union... you make an idol by asserting your broken marriage and your adulterous wife are above the whole counsel of God. Asserting to OUT LIVE your vows might get you something different than you expect...

 

[my_adonai_]

She told me when I went to the house in our neighborhood that she wants to "find myself" that she never really got to know herself.

somebody probably fed her this!! told her this that is. and i believe she told you the reason to this, and i believe you can judge if the reason is authentic or just an excuse. and when you know the root of this concept, TRUTH SANCTIFIES, that is if she humbles herself to it

May God shed HIS light on this situation and give you wisdom to deal with it.

 

[remus777]

You are 100% correct with this. I won't say how I know this to be sure, but someone she knows, trusts, and has the utmost respect for told her this exact thing. Unfortunately, she fed into it and...well, here we are. Great insight.

somebody probably fed her this!! told her this that is. and i believe she told you the reason to this, and i believe you can judge if the reason is authentic or just an excuse. and when you know the root of this concept, TRUTH SANCTIFIES, that is if she humbles herself to it

May God shed HIS light on this situation and give you wisdom to deal with it.

 

[BarlyGurl]

And not only are 99% of your posts negative, they are assumptions. Was this post even for me? Who said I have an adulterous wife? Do you know that to be a fact? How do you know? Did you see her with another man? If any man (or woman) speak one thing that is not true, chances are most of what they are saying is not true and does not even deserve a response. So....I'm not responding to you anymore.

Actually YOU responded to ME... and not responding anymore is oakie-dokey with with me... your last two post were convoluted suppositional tangents which I am not even sure what you meant to say... all over the place. I can overlook it...you are living in the "crazy phase" right now, you will look back one day and think to yourself... "ahhhhh, I see NOW". So in the future feel free it ignore... but this is a puplic furum and I will post at my leisure... ok?

 

[remus777]

What part of "please do not respond to any more of my posts" do you not understand? I do not know how to "feel free it ignore". I don't know what that means. Feel free to post on this public "furum" all I can do is simply ask you not to post on this thread. If you wish to continue to do so and embarrass yourself that is your decision. I just ask that you take your negativity elsewhere.

So...if you are still unsure what I meant to say to you (I don't care if you don't understand anything that was not meant for you) I will say as simple as I possibly can. Do not make any comments to me or respond to any of my posts. If you don't understand that then something is seriously wrong with you, other than you just being an annoying person.

Thanks.

Actually YOU responded to ME... and not responding anymore is oakie-dokey with with me... your last two post were convoluted suppositional tangents which I am not even sure what you meant to say... all over the place. I can overlook it...you are living in the "crazy phase" right now, you will look back one day and think to yourself... "ahhhhh, I see NOW". So in the future feel free it ignore... but this is a puplic furum and I will post at my leisure... ok?