strategies for dealing with...the difficult mother

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Lanolin

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#41
wonder why parents are impatient though, a child is not going to grow up if you keep standing OVER them. I am around children all day at school. They all have their own reasons for doing or not doing what they do. The key is letting them grow and yes sometimes they make mistakes but its all part of learning. It takes time!

why is it that parents, especially mothers, stand over and block out the sun for their offspring that desperately need the light and then they wonder why their offspring arent growing and want to leave them....
 

Lanolin

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#42
many people do not have kids because of their mothers
thats not the main reason I dont have any, but its probably one of the factors.

ironically many of the children at school call me aunty and mother, though I dont SMOTHER them like a mother can. I usually get a lot of children that have problems with their own parents coming to me.

they often wont say so, but I know, i can see the invisible scars.
I find the worst thing is, when I see mothers treating their daughters badly in public because the mums are impatient or they have PMS or something. I never want to be around a mum who is berating their daughter (or son, but is mostly daughters who cop it) and its mega awkward. A mum telling their child to hurry up all the time likely hasnt spent enough quality time with their child..or they are totally overdoing it

I know some mothers pride themselves at being 'stay at home mothers' who then proceed to drive their kids nuts, becase they are constantly on their case but then what about the 'stay at home kids' what about their needs. and why dont dads do anything about it, or maybe they just cant. I know for a fact that my dad left home because of his mum being verbally abusive to all her children, my dad couldnt handle that. Or maybe he was naughty i dont know. I wasnt there..
 

Lanolin

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#43
my dad couldnt have been naughty but from talking to his siblings there was general consenus that my grandma was a tyrant

I wouldnt have known because by the time I was visiting her as a child she was much older and weaker and then went inti a rest home but she never had much of a relationship with me. My other grandma was better with me but then at her funeral mum was like you dont know the abuse I put up with.

when she got old and sick NO CHILD of hers really wanted to look after her (she had eight) she got very difficult right up to when she died she was yelling at the doctors. I can laugh now but I think for my mums family it was somewhat of a relief.

when i worked in retirment villages I saw first hand at how cranky old people could be. Some were darling, but most were not.
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#44
My mom makes insensitive comments sometimes but I just ignore. I think if you know your own self worth, insensitive comments won't bother you as much. Abuse is something different, and should not be tolerated.
 

Lanolin

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#45
i think it would be very hard to know your self worth if your own mother, the one who gave birth to you, treated you like a nothing all the time. Not sometimes but all the time.

In the Bible, Rebecca had twins right. She loved Jacob more than Esau and certainly schemed to secure his inheritance over Esau's, to the extent that Esau gave up his own birthright for food.

Esau wasnt worth anything to her.
How much of that was Esaus belief and how much was really Rebecca's influence I wonder.
 

tourist

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#46
i think it would be very hard to know your self worth if your own mother, the one who gave birth to you, treated you like a nothing all the time. Not sometimes but all the time.

In the Bible, Rebecca had twins right. She loved Jacob more than Esau and certainly schemed to secure his inheritance over Esau's, to the extent that Esau gave up his own birthright for food.

Esau wasnt worth anything to her.
How much of that was Esaus belief and how much was really Rebecca's influence I wonder.
Esau was a hairy man but Jacob was a smooth man.
 

Lanolin

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#47
Esau was a hairy man but Jacob was a smooth man.
yes, so...?
when babies are born should you just love them less if they come out hairy.
 

Lanolin

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#49
I just thought that was an amusing verse to lighten up the mood.
sorry I dont quite get when people joke about a serious topic....

although thinking of the verse I am wondering if Rebecca tried to push Gods hand with Jacob when he would have given Esau the firstborn blessing (even if he didnt really want it at first) and Jacob also would have got the blessing too. Because if Esau had got the blessing, he would still have served the younger (Jacob) as was already intended by God in the first place and consequently there wouldnt have been all this animosity between Arabs and Jews today.

instead Rebecca caused enmity between brothers. And I dont see why a mother couldnt give her own blessing to the son she favoured the same as Isaac was giving to Esau...when Isaac found out as he did, the curse fell upon Rebecca - she actually took it upon herself, though why Esau wasnt prepared to kill his mum for something she instigated I dont know, maybe because he didnt actually find out that Rebecca put Jacob up to it. Rebecca just told Jacob to run away because Esau was thinking of killing him.

Esau repented and later married the wife of a family his parents origninally wanted him to marry, but, I just feel like Esau was cheated badly and didnt deserve being hoodwinked by his own mother.
 

tourist

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#50
sorry I dont quite get when people joke about a serious topic....

although thinking of the verse I am wondering if Rebecca tried to push Gods hand with Jacob when he would have given Esau the firstborn blessing (even if he didnt really want it at first) and Jacob also would have got the blessing too. Because if Esau had got the blessing, he would still have served the younger (Jacob) as was already intended by God in the first place and consequently there wouldnt have been all this animosity between Arabs and Jews today.

instead Rebecca caused enmity between brothers. And I dont see why a mother couldnt give her own blessing to the son she favoured the same as Isaac was giving to Esau...when Isaac found out as he did, the curse fell upon Rebecca - she actually took it upon herself, though why Esau wasnt prepared to kill his mum for something she instigated I dont know, maybe because he didnt actually find out that Rebecca put Jacob up to it. Rebecca just told Jacob to run away because Esau was thinking of killing him.

Esau repented and later married the wife of a family his parents origninally wanted him to marry, but, I just feel like Esau was cheated badly and didnt deserve being hoodwinked by his own mother.
I felt bad for Esau too and his mother played favorites with Jacob.
 

Genipher

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#51
sorry I dont quite get when people joke about a serious topic....

although thinking of the verse I am wondering if Rebecca tried to push Gods hand with Jacob when he would have given Esau the firstborn blessing (even if he didnt really want it at first) and Jacob also would have got the blessing too. Because if Esau had got the blessing, he would still have served the younger (Jacob) as was already intended by God in the first place and consequently there wouldnt have been all this animosity between Arabs and Jews today.

instead Rebecca caused enmity between brothers. And I dont see why a mother couldnt give her own blessing to the son she favoured the same as Isaac was giving to Esau...when Isaac found out as he did, the curse fell upon Rebecca - she actually took it upon herself, though why Esau wasnt prepared to kill his mum for something she instigated I dont know, maybe because he didnt actually find out that Rebecca put Jacob up to it. Rebecca just told Jacob to run away because Esau was thinking of killing him.

Esau repented and later married the wife of a family his parents origninally wanted him to marry, but, I just feel like Esau was cheated badly and didnt deserve being hoodwinked by his own mother.
I think since Rebecca knew the future (the younger would serve the older) and probably didn't trust God to fulfill it in His own way, she favored Jacob. If she hadn't known what was to come she would have loved and treated them equally. Well, actually, that might not be true. She probably would have focused more on Esau since he was the eldest and would have, under normal circumstances, inherited everything.

Also, look at the family Rebecca came from. Her brother, Laban, was a liar and a crook. Rebecca seemed to have inherited the same morals.

I was pretty sure the Jews came from Isaac and the Arabs came from Ishmael (not Esau). Am I missing something here? :unsure:

Esau was cheated but he also was flippant about his birthright and didn't hold it in very high esteem. Selling it for a bowl of soup? Sounds like he was a pretty foolish fellow. From what I've read it looks like since Esau gave up his birthright he was, essentially, giving up the blessing as well since the two went hand-in-hand. So for him to be so angry that it was "stolen" from him is interesting because he CHOSE to give it up.

Also interesting to note that while Jacob is known as the deceiver, Yahweh loved him and hated Esau.

Romans 9:13 "As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated."

The Greek word for "hated" is miséō and means detested.
 

Genipher

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#52
i think it would be very hard to know your self worth if your own mother, the one who gave birth to you, treated you like a nothing all the time. Not sometimes but all the time.

In the Bible, Rebecca had twins right. She loved Jacob more than Esau and certainly schemed to secure his inheritance over Esau's, to the extent that Esau gave up his own birthright for food.

Esau wasnt worth anything to her.
How much of that was Esaus belief and how much was really Rebecca's influence I wonder.
I think you're mixing up events. Rebecca didn't scheme for Jacob to get the blessing until AFTER the incident with the bowl of soup. Nothing in the story of Esau selling his birthright indicates he gave it up because of his mother's manipulations. He sold it because he was so hungry he thought he was going to die and after selling it, he despised it. Though perhaps that latter part was sour grapes?

"And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?" Genesis 25:32

"Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright." Genesis 25:34
 

Genipher

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#53
wonder why parents are impatient though, a child is not going to grow up if you keep standing OVER them. I am around children all day at school. They all have their own reasons for doing or not doing what they do. The key is letting them grow and yes sometimes they make mistakes but its all part of learning. It takes time!

why is it that parents, especially mothers, stand over and block out the sun for their offspring that desperately need the light and then they wonder why their offspring arent growing and want to leave them....
I used to feel the same way. Used to wonder what was wrong with parents that they had no patience for their kids. My mom was a in-home daycare provider when I was growing up. We had lots of kids, various ages, around us all the time and I was able to witness how they responded to my mom and how they responded to THEIR parents. Perfect angels for my mom and terrors as soon as mom or dad walked in the door.

I was so patient with those kids. Learned how to change diapers, fix boo-boo's, play with them, listen to their looooooong stories. lol.

But you know what? Having your own kids is 100% different. Teaching kids and having them with you for "x" amount of time during the day is different than having them with you 24/7. The kids at school will respond differently with you than with their parents. And that doesn't mean the parents are doing anything wrong, they just know which buttons to push with mom and dad.

I remember my younger siblings use to ask my step-mom for a cookie.
"Mom, can I have a cookie?"
"No, not right now."
"Pleeeease?"
"No, it's almost lunch time."
"Just ooooone??"

Mom would finally give in because she was impatient and tired of the whining. All the while, I stood there slack-jawed because as the eldest child I had been taught that no meant no! Sometimes, as big sis, I could jump in and say, "Mom said no. We have to wait." And they would listen and accept my no, but not mom's. Lol. Just because mom got impatient or lazy about training that she loved them less.

Unless you have children of your own, I don't think you will ever really understand how a mom can be impatient, sometimes controlling, but still FULL of love for her children.
You seem to think parents never let their kids make mistakes and grow. Speaking from my own family, we give our kids plenty of opportunity to grow and learn and make mistakes. Other times, we have to step up and be the responsible ones and "hover" and say no. Which can make the kids view us as the bad guy. I remember thinking my mom was the bad guy many times while I was growing up but now, as a parent myself, I understand more the decisions she made while raising me.

Oh, and yes. It's easy to get impatient when you have a baby crying, two kids asking for help with lessons, you're trying to cook dinner, the dog barfs on the floor, and you're crossing your legs because you desperately have to pee but the 8-year-old wants to tell you a long, drawn out story. Betcha don't have that kinda stress at school. :ROFL:
 

Lanolin

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#54
mmm no you just say NOT NOW tell me later. Im going to the toilet.
Get out dog!
We'll get takeaway tonight.

Ask Dad to help you with your homework, hes smarter.


Children at school can be more stressful than that in a class of nearly thirty kids and you cant watch them all the time (which is why many teachers have teacher aides) but for the most part its doable. I had one say to me she was thinking of packing it in today because of a writing lesson going wrong, but then she had been teaching for over 40 years. She can be a drill sargeant at times but she has to be. But no mother has 30 children all at once do they. lol
 

Lanolin

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#55
the baby crying well, babies need to learn to self soothe but generally if you carrying them in a sling or rocking them to sleep they dont cry. Babies need to feel secure and that is a tactile thing. If they got colic thats something else, but some mothers actually resorted to drugging their babies with alcohol (that was 'gripe water) cos they couldnt stand it.
 

Lanolin

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#56
well your family is different, i guess you don have...THE CHINESE MOTHER lol.

Ok tiger mothers aside, everyone knows that a chinese mother will have certain expectations of her children that they be perfectly well behaved or else. I cant count the number of times mum has said I would die if I didnt do as she told me. lol. Death threats are common in my culture.
 

Lanolin

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#57
I think you're mixing up events. Rebecca didn't scheme for Jacob to get the blessing until AFTER the incident with the bowl of soup. Nothing in the story of Esau selling his birthright indicates he gave it up because of his mother's manipulations. He sold it because he was so hungry he thought he was going to die and after selling it, he despised it. Though perhaps that latter part was sour grapes?

"And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?" Genesis 25:32

"Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright." Genesis 25:34
hmm oh your right there but wonder who actually gave Jacob the idea to trick his brother first. And also after that it was Rebeccas schemes that secured the blessing, Jacob wouldnt have gone through with it on his own had she not suggested it and also said she would take the curse.
 

Genipher

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#58
mmm no you just say NOT NOW tell me later. Im going to the toilet.
Get out dog!
We'll get takeaway tonight.

Ask Dad to help you with your homework, hes smarter.


Children at school can be more stressful than that in a class of nearly thirty kids and you cant watch them all the time (which is why many teachers have teacher aides) but for the most part its doable. I had one say to me she was thinking of packing it in today because of a writing lesson going wrong, but then she had been teaching for over 40 years. She can be a drill sargeant at times but she has to be. But no mother has 30 children all at once do they. lol
Ah, the typical response of a person who has never had children. Everyone knows how to parent when they're single. lol. I used to be the same way, as I said before. Thought I knew everything and siblings and daycare kids obeyed me without question. And then I had kids and the game changed.

Children at school sit at their desks like good little robots. They raise their hands for permission to pee and learn to not speak unless they get permission. School kids are used to teachers being "Drill Sergeant" so they generally listen and obey better for them than their parents. Or at least, they did when I was in school back in prehistoric times. Seriously, though. I'm sure a lot has changed in public school in the last 30 years. Not slamming how hard it must be. My husband used to teach college math and those "kids" were difficult brats students. Can't imagine what it must be like to teach a 10 year old in public school nowadays.

All that said, our two situations are very different. Impatience is something many people struggle with and it doesn't make them a bad mother (or teacher).

Nicely veiled insult, by the way. Did you learn that from your mother? (joking!! joking!! ) :ROFL:
 

Genipher

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#59
well your family is different, i guess you don have...THE CHINESE MOTHER lol.

Ok tiger mothers aside, everyone knows that a chinese mother will have certain expectations of her children that they be perfectly well behaved or else. I cant count the number of times mum has said I would die if I didnt do as she told me. lol. Death threats are common in my culture.
Nope, no Chinese mother over here. In fact, in my family my mom is known as "Switzerland". She often remains neutral, doesn't push advice (but will give it when asked), and tries to keep the peace with everyone. I think I inherited my stubborn orneriness from my dad. Dang Irish roots!

One of my best friends here in the U.S. is Chinese. My kids and hers are best friends. Love her and enjoy chatting with her but there is definitely a culture gap at times. Sometimes she says things or insinuates things that just don't make sense to me. But then, I'm sure she must think the same about me.
 

Genipher

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#60
the baby crying well, babies need to learn to self soothe but generally if you carrying them in a sling or rocking them to sleep they dont cry. Babies need to feel secure and that is a tactile thing. If they got colic thats something else, but some mothers actually resorted to drugging their babies with alcohol (that was 'gripe water) cos they couldnt stand it.
Yup. Our "baby" is almost 16 months old. More a toddler now, I guess. Going through some training with him as he definitely thinks he can do/get what he wants by shrieking/crying. He'll soon learn the truth, though. Just like the other kiddos did. Mwahahahaha! ;)