Struggling to accept my husband's decision

[Sjo]

Would value some advice. My husband and I are currently living near my Christian parents and he believes its right for us to move to another country - pretty much as far away from family as is geographically possible! I have a 2yr old son and value input from family more than anything. My husband has secured work now in the other country and believes we need to go. Leaving my family is heart wrenching as they are aging and I don't know when / if I will get to see them again as its not financially viable. How do I approach this?

 

[Jennyyyyy]

I don't know if i can even answer your question, because I'm so not experienced.
But I think there are two key things missing from your description: what's the problem with your family's being christian? Do you see a problem, or do you agree with your husband? and why exactly is he so adamant to move you away from them? Was there a conflict or is he anti-christian.

 

[Ugly]

The bible says when you marry you separate from your parents and are bound to your spouse. Not that it's bad to be close to your parents or family, but you change your priorities from your parents to your husband. You made a commitment and covenant to him, and God. You made a choice. You didn't choose your family, but you did choose your husband.
On the flip side your husband needs to be considerate of you. This doesn't mean he automatically just does what you think is right, but he needs to take you into consideration before making decisions, especially this big. I'd say the key factor is is his response all out of his own wants, or is he praying and feeling lead?

 

[tenderhearted]

I'm sorry that you are feeling torn between your husband and family. I understand what you're going through. My mother won't leave her parents for the same reason. I get the impression that your husband found another job because he feels this is the best thing for all of you. God has placed your husband as the leader and provider of your home, therefore you are called to follow his lead. I am sure that you have expressed your concerns to him and for whatever reason he seems to feel that this is the best option. I hope that staying behind isn't an option for you. Your husband must come first. Pray about it. God can provide the way for you to fly and visit your parents. I know when I had to leave my family behind it was a big adjustment, but God has blessed my husband and I tremendously. For all you know this could be a gift from God. God has a purpose for everything. In the bible God called Abraham to leave everything behind and go to another land. Abraham was blessed because of his obedience and so are his descendants. Ask God what His will is for you. Trust the LORD.

 

[Sjo]

Thanks for the comments. The desire to be near Christian family is that I have a huge Christian heritage that I was privileged to be raised around ... And benefitted from a close relationship with my Christian grandparents. I want the same for my son. Moving overseas and so far away means that my son will miss out on that. We also have no support in the new country and no church home. My husband and I have had some serious marriage issues in the last 18mths and I'm really concerned that going to a place where we have no such support will only cause greater challenges. I get that I'm required to follow his lead, but do I do that irrespective?? He's a relatively new Christian.

 

[Hungry]

I don't envy your situation. My inlaws have been such a blessing to our family. From a family perspective I'd say priority one would be to find a good church where you are going. I found Christians are generally hospitable, especially to strangers and young mothers. From a Christian perspective, adversity causes you to trust God more often strengthening your faith. May I ask where you are going? There might be someone on CC who can give you area specific advice, like what area of the city you do want buy a house in for schooling needs eventually. I'm sure God will bless your decision to follow your husband. It is not uncommon for some marital issues with a newborn. Less sleep and private time often leads to more fights. Is your husband climbing a ladder or just finding work? Hopefully family is his priority. Sometimes having a little less money is better. I will pray for his decision, it can't be an easy one.

 

[Twinkle77]

Would value some advice. My husband and I are currently living near my Christian parents and he believes its right for us to move to another country - pretty much as far away from family as is geographically possible! I have a 2yr old son and value input from family more than anything. My husband has secured work now in the other country and believes we need to go. Leaving my family is heart wrenching as they are aging and I don't know when / if I will get to see them again as its not financially viable. How do I approach this?

I was living in Australia and close to my mum, my brother and his family, my adult daughter and her husband.
My husband is spanish and we came to live in Spain 9 years ago. I came with him with the intention of
just being here for a year or so but we stayed on because my hubby did not want to go back to Australia.
It was really heart wrenching for me cause I miss my family back home especially my mum who is now 78 years old and she misses me alot. My heart pines for them.

However as Ugly mentioned our priorities changed the moment we got married. We are to be with our husbands even if it is against our will especially in this situation of having to leave the country.
During these nine years God has changed me alot. He took me out of my comfort zone in order to build up my character to be more Christlike and to also build my faith in Him so that I can learn to trust Him with everything in my life and that includes the family I left behind.

to move to another country - pretty much as far away from family as is geographically possible!

What is the reason for him wanting to go as far away as possible? You may need to talk to him about it and if it's still a "go ahead" to the new job and new country, then you will have to follow him.

God knows the future and He is in charge of our lives. Rest in Him and be obedient to his word and be by your husband's side.
My heart goes out to you cause I understand your situation. But just rest in God cause God will make a way somehow to care for your parents.

 

[Kefa52]

I was living in Australia and close to my mum, my brother and his family, my adult daughter and her husband.
My husband is spanish and we came to live in Spain 9 years ago. I came with him with the intention of
just being here for a year or so but we stayed on because my hubby did not want to go back to Australia.
It was really heart wrenching for me cause I miss my family back home especially my mum who is now 78 years old and she misses me alot. My heart pines for them.

However as Ugly mentioned our priorities changed the moment we got married. We are to be with our husbands even if it is against our will especially in this situation of having to leave the country.
During these nine years God has changed me alot. He took me out of my comfort zone in order to build up my character to be more Christlike and to also build my faith in Him so that I can learn to trust Him with everything in my life and that includes the family I left behind.



What is the reason for him wanting to go as far away as possible? You may need to talk to him about it and if it's still a "go ahead" to the new job and new country, then you will have to follow him.

God knows the future and He is in charge of our lives. Rest in Him and be obedient to his word and be by your husband's side.
My heart goes out to you cause I understand your situation. But just rest in God cause God will make a way somehow to care for your parents.

Very nice responce. We get stuck in our comfort zones. Learning to make "God" our comfort zone is a life long process.

 

[nonicknametouse]

Hi, My heart goes out to you. Leaving family is difficult, however you have a family now. your husband and son is your family and they must be your priority. Question his motives. If your husabnd is moving you far away because he is abusive and controling then I would be hesitant. But if he wants to better his financial situation so he can take care of you and your son then by all means go with him. Maybe your family (always meaning well) is interferring with the work the Lord wants to do in you. Maybe He needs you to depend on Him more and learn what He wants you to learn so you can grow in Him. He will bless your obedience to Him and your submission to your husband. Sometimes we need to do things scared. My son ministered to his youth group and he was petrified. He got a rash all over his face and his stomach ached, but he got through it and obeyed what the Lord wanted him to do. Go with joy in your heart. This can be a new adventure for you. And guess what, God will be there with you through this move. He will bless you and carry you through. Just as we are talking on the internet, so you can skype and talk to your parents. The Lord will take care of them and provide a way you can visit. Love your husband and support him.

 

[Mayco]

The bible says to leave your parents. It doesn't say how far.
I believe it means to move out of the house, stop letting them interfere and start a whole new family.
Basically, grow up.
The person one marries, will more than likely, be like the family they came from.
How secure is this new job? Find out why he really wants to move so far.
What good is a great job with a miserable household?
If you are just scared, then maybe it is just anxiety.
This needs to be talked about.
It's not all about the money, you know.
I like my buddy's saying:
"Some money cost too much to make."
There another simple saying I have always relied on:
"Happy life? Happy wife!"
I think I read that somewhere...hmmm, where was that......?
Oh, I remember.....

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."
(Ephesians 5:25)

 

[Sjo]

Wow! So many lovely responses. Not easy to hear to be honest but can hear the heart! My husband is not abusive ... But the job isn't great and will put us under significant stress... On top of a very stressed marriage, where we hardly communicate. It just feels incredibly isolating to move away when I'm not even moving with my "friend". Due to significant stresses I've been clawing myself

 

[Sjo]

Ooops! Sorry - message escaped at a really bad point! I'm clawing myself out of depression and my husband has not been a support at all! Moving so far away just doesn't seem to take that into account and I'm really not sure how ill cope to be honest... Anyway.... I really hear your comments.... And anymore advice would be appreciated!

 

[my_saceredheart]

First of all I would like to say hello and your in a sticky situation I must say because you love your family , and your husband and its in no way an easy decision for you, I can tell your family mean a lot to you special because they help chip in to look after your son, you've got to remember your family love you to and they bound to love and adore your son also because they have created a bond with him babysitting or taking him out to give you a break etc so it will proberbly break they hearts also to be saying goodbye. However you know your going to be able to spend time calling them and sending photos so that you can still stay in touch and show them how much you son is growing up. I think your husband however maybe d sent relies how this is affecting you because this job might be an amazing opportunity for him and he's just thinking about being able to give his family a better life. All I can say is you have to go with your heart and be honest with your husband about the situation, because if your going to move long distance and your having second thoughts you should speak now rather than later because you will be stuck in a place you don't like it will cause problems in your marrige and you will get depressed and lonely so please have a good think about this.

 

[GOD_IS_LOVE]

While I do believe the Bible teaches wives to be submissive, I don't believe they should do that irrespectively. I think your opinion and feelings are very important and your husband should value them and take them very seriously, which he doesn't seem to be doing.

 

[MissCris]

I think it would be a really good idea to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel about this decision he's made. Don't tell him it's a bad idea, though. In fact, don't pin anything on him- ONLY explain your own feelings. What he does with that information is up to him, but at least you will have voiced your misgivings.

I do, however, think that you have to go with him (which it sounds like you agree with, so bear with me if I'm preaching to the choir). He needs to know that you trust him enough to follow him anywhere, and that even when you DO feel scared/unsure about his decisions, you're willing to support him as the head of your household.

If your marriage is already rocky, a huge move like this, and how you handle it, can push it to a breaking point OR healing could begin. If you truly submit to your husband on this, with good grace, you might end up pleasantly surprised at how God works in your lives. I know it's hard to open yourself up for that and have the right attitude (really, I've been there in my own marriage and it's scary), but spend some time in prayer, and ask your family for their prayers and support, too.

 

[Mayco]

When you pray, do so together.
Praying alone will only seem like you are praying against his decision.
Men make dumb decisions too. You are not a child, but once it has been talked about, prayed about see what you come to.
Believe it or not, this may sound shocking to you, but some people have this thing called pride, and sometimes, it will not allow them to make sound decisions. Once emotion takes hold, bad decision get made.
Make sure he is not wanting to move just to get away from your family.
Make sure you are not staying because of him "telling you what to do."
Kids move away all the time and parents pass to be with the Lord every day.
Both my parents are gone. That would make it so easy for me to tell my wife to move.
Staying or going, either way, the Lord will provide.
Be careful, and try not to make this into "his decision" versus "my decision."
My first marriage was nothing but a power struggle and pride.
I know this, no matter how great a job is, without peace in the home, it is all worthless.
Peace cannot be found in work, in ego, in stature.
No matter what job is waiting for us, it will all come to an end anyways.
How we live will be the measure of our lives.
With the Lord in both your lives, if you are there for your husband, he will be there for you.
If your husband is there for you, you will be for him.
If either is not there, you best think about what you do as it will only increase later.
Unresolved issue do not fade away.
Talk and pray.

 

[Lucy68]

Have you seriously talked to him about your reservations about moving? Does he understand how much you don't want to? If it was a great opportunity, it would be different...but you said the job isn't that great and would put you under greater stress. Then why does he want to move? Doesn't sound like it makes a lot of sense....is he just reacting to a situation? Sometimes people feel like that if they just change their circumstances then everything else will be ok. But it rarely works out that way....you just take the problems with you or develop a whole new set; which can magnify even more in a strange country.

I suggest talking to him about why he really wants to go there. Is he jealous of your connection with your family? Are you both going to counseling? A third party can really help get the communication going. There may be underlying problems that should be dealt with before any major changes are made. This is a major decision that can have a huge impact on your family...I see why you're concerned.

Praying for you....wisdom, guidance, calmness from the Holy Spirit as you talk with your husband.

 

[nathan3]

well you have to make your request known. and you two are one flesh, you have to speak up. and he has to be reasonable. and what hes doing does not sound reasonable to me. At the end of the day, you got to do what you feel is right. even if it's not what your husband wants.

 

[HoldingOn2013]

Would value some advice. My husband and I are currently living near my Christian parents and he believes its right for us to move to another country - pretty much as far away from family as is geographically possible! I have a 2yr old son and value input from family more than anything. My husband has secured work now in the other country and believes we need to go. Leaving my family is heart wrenching as they are aging and I don't know when / if I will get to see them again as its not financially viable. How do I approach this?

Haven't read what others have posted on this, but here is my take on what you originally said...

When you marry someone you are then creating a family of your own and have become "one flesh". AND I do believe that the man is the head of the household and the wife should be submissive. BUT... a man should take his family's needs/wants/feelings into consideration before making such a huge decision such as the one you mentioned.

Money/security is not an issue in moving form what i understood, but is that all that is important in life. NO!!!! Not getting the full story is hard to give advise. Guess the root of why he would want to move needs to be addressed.

But then again, I may not be the best person to comment since if my husband gets deported there is no way I'm leaving with him.

 

[Mayco]

Please note that it is easy to give advice, especially while sitting in front of a computer, without consequences.
You yourself have to live with choices.
When you hurt from your choices, we are not their with you.
Our advice and opinion will not comfort you.
Opinions are cheap.
People, as in Job's time, are experts at advice, while they themselves are in disarray.
Even I am too messed up to hand out advice.
I can only share my experiences.