Tough Love?

[Fenner]

Hi everyone...sorry so long...

My 19th wedding anniversary is on Oct 7th. I am just about to turn 41 years old. I have two special needs kids (ages 15 and 17). I feel like my marriage has made me physically and mentally ill. My husband has always been a drinker since I met him, and also a smoker. In the last couple of years I really started to understand addiction better, and my husband is a true functional alcoholic. His life revolves around skiing (with beer), hiking (with beer), camping (with beer), walking the dogs to the pub (to get beer). He never wants to do father/son things. He never wants to hang out with our daughter.

Last week I noticed that he was pounding beers in the car before he would walk in the door (he says just one beer). Since I asked him about that and cleaned out the 24 smashed beer cans out of his car, he now pulls over just down the street to have a drink (or two?). He used to go out with the guys he worked with or skied with and at least three nights per year didn't come home until the next day. He won't kiss me because then I will complain about him smoking. He knows I will complain about him drinking too much, so he evades me. For the past 17 years he has lived his own life, and when I have asked him to stop for the sake of the kids he said no. I have prayed and prayed and asked for help and 7 years of marriage therapy alone...and the only thing I haven't tried is what I feel God is calling me to do....leave.

My husband says this is who he is. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, listened to sermons, read books, and I honestly feel God is calling me to leave as a tough love effort (the ONLY thing I have not tried). If I push my husband too much about things he will become verbally abusive, and he is emotionally abusive. My daughter's therapist suggested I say "its us or the alcohol" and move out for a while. He said this at the behest of my daughter who would never say this to my me. She says she is afraid of her dad because he is so loud and she doesn't really want a relationship with him. My husband says he is saved and is a believer, and that God tells him to toil and work at the sweat of his brow. His only accomplishment is his work, because he will say that he must not be an alcoholic because he goes to work.

A few weeks ago his friend came over spent a couple of nights, left my son at home and took the chairlift up the mountain and drank for 3 hours, then came home and through the F word around a hundred times (according to my 17 year old son). I am so tired of this, nothing changes. If I ask for change he will say I am crazy. Oh, and I found porn sites on his phone (well still shots). He said he would not look at anything again, and then I found porn sites and dating sites one after the other, and he called me crazy saying it was my fault that I opened up a junk email he had. He said he clicked a link to unsubscribe and Tinder and disgusting sites came up. I never knew he could lie so much. He will spend all weekend watching movies on the couch, even romantic movies because he says he is a hopeless romantic, yet he won't even kiss his wife. He lost his wedding ring the second month he had it, and I thought that rings bothered him so I never (in 19 years) asked him to wear one, and then I recently realized that he SHOULD WANT to wear a wedding ring, especially when he likes to go hang out at the pub alone. I told him no more going to the pub alone, he must bring me because we are married, and he agreed. Still I caught him at the pub. I am now hypervigilant. I hate this.

I found a brand new income controlled apartment that the kids and I could move into for 6 months or a year. We can afford it. I am a student and am able to get help, plus my kids can get services in town and I can actually meet people and get myself to church. I am so tired and living with an addict makes you feel like the crazy one. I don't know if I can take much more of this because I see HE is hurting and doesn't even know it.

Please leave, this isn't a marriage or a life. I know people who are like your Husband men and women, I know couples who can't socialize without alcohol involved. Adults who behave like teenagers, wive's or husband's trying to cover for their spouses behavior. I know a few of these party couple that are divorced now, sad thing is they're dating or married to another party person.

Your Husband may not change, but you can, go and live. God Bless

 

[Fenner]

Let me add what he's doing is emotional abuse, he might not hit you but he's abusing his family. He's not behaving like a man with a family that's for sure. I'm going to say it again, go and don't turn back.

 

[Idagirl]

Well, you've already said you feel like God is calling you to leave, sooo.. what's the next step?? What is your plan?

Well, I applied for an apartment to rent that is new but very affordable for the kids and I. I will find out by Friday if I will get it or not. It won't be completed (its new) until October 10th. My husband asked if I was planning on moving, and I told him if they offer me the apartment then yes. He said, "make sure when my family and your family ask why you moved out its because you decided you wanted to leave, don't put it on me, I don't have a drinking problem, I'm done with you manipulating me."

Ugh...I wanted to scream, but I bit my lip and prayed.

 

[Idagirl]

The sad thing is that people like me start to question themselves, not trust their intuition or what God may be nudging. We are too codependent and emotionally abused to do anything more than survive. God has promised to make up for all the loss if I just trust him.

Thank you Fenner

 

[Desertsrose]

Very good advice. If we go it will be out of love and with hope of reconciliation. I feel that my kids will do better in a Christ-centered home, as opposed to this fighting. I love my husband and don't want to lose him...but I am prepared that I might. I have never been brave enough to leave. The author of the 5 Love Languages is holding a seminar on the same day as our anniversary, but he my husband said it wouldn't do any good. Thank you for the prayers.

Hi Idagirl,

I'm glad I kept reading before I responded. I'm so glad that you will be doing this out of love and for the purpose of reconciliation. Paul said that the woman could leave her husband, to either stay apart or be reconciled. But not to divorce and remarry. So you have the right heart attitude towards your husband and I admire you for that.

Obviously this is not a quick decision since you've been married for almost 19 years. I'm sure you've prayed through and trusted God for myriads of issues throughout your marriage from the sounds of it. Tough love can be an answer.

I'm so sorry to hear your story. It's so sad and I feel for you and the kids. Maybe once you leave, he'll agree to counseling. At least you'll find out if there's still love in his heart for you and the children.

It's good that you plan to become a part of a church because they can sure minister to many of yours and the kids needs and help bring godly counseling to the situation. You and the kids can grow and mature in the Lord as you wait on God to work in your husbands heart.

I know of a couple where the wife was going to leave and the husband cried out to God and was saved. I wanted to share that to give you some hope for your future. All is not bleak nor hopeless. God can do and does do amazing things in the heart of man. I will be praying for you and your family Idagirl. You must be from OK.

God bless you as you seek to do God's will in your life. Hugs and love!

 

[OneFaith]

Well, I applied for an apartment to rent that is new but very affordable for the kids and I. I will find out by Friday if I will get it or not. It won't be completed (its new) until October 10th. My husband asked if I was planning on moving, and I told him if they offer me the apartment then yes. He said, "make sure when my family and your family ask why you moved out its because you decided you wanted to leave, don't put it on me, I don't have a drinking problem, I'm done with you manipulating me."

Ugh...I wanted to scream, but I bit my lip and prayed.

And who did you pray to when you bit your lip? The God you are going against by leaving your husband? The God you lied to when you said "I take this man for better or worse"? Or the God that you want to not end the covenant with you just because you give Him things to put up with?

God is against this decision you have made, you do not have His permission nor His blessing, but rather His anger. And God disciplines those He accepts as a son or a daughter. Therefore if you are His daughter, troubles are coming your way if you go through with this- mark His Words.

 

[Ugly]

The sad thing is that people like me start to question themselves, not trust their intuition or what God may be nudging. We are too codependent and emotionally abused to do anything more than survive. God has promised to make up for all the loss if I just trust him.

Thank you Fenner

Watch shows like Intervention. Watch the behavior and manipulation of addicts. It's going to be eye opening and show you how the attacks are actually not personal.
Not that it should change your mind to leave, but to help you understand things better to have an easier time coping.

 

[7seasrekeyed]

Let me add what he's doing is emotional abuse, he might not hit you but he's abusing his family. He's not behaving like a man with a family that's for sure. I'm going to say it again, go and don't turn back.

yup

he left the marriage a long time ago

time to go and take care of the children

 

[7seasrekeyed]

And who did you pray to when you bit your lip? The God you are going against by leaving your husband? The God you lied to when you said "I take this man for better or worse"? Or the God that you want to not end the covenant with you just because you give Him things to put up with?

God is against this decision you have made, you do not have His permission nor His blessing, but rather His anger. And God disciplines those He accepts as a son or a daughter. Therefore if you are His daughter, troubles are coming your way if you go through with this- mark His Words.

you know, it's this type of post that is no help whatsoever

you really are not giving any biblical advice here

not only can she leave with the children, but she can divorce the dude too

I would truly hate to get any advice from whatever source you are plugged into

it sure isn't the Bible

you sound quite angry youself. no need to get angry. you can stay with an abuser if you like.

this lady does not have to and God is not angry with her

 

[lovingladyo4]

I firmly believe you are making a wise decision to remove yourself from this destructive behavior and put some distance between the two of you for now. It's time to mend and repair your broken heart, and you can only do that in the company of people who know what it means to give life and give godly wisdom. I would like to encourage you to follow through with these plans and get connected to a church group or women's group for emotional and spiritual support. Instead of running away from something, picture yourself running to something - a stable environment where you have time to seek God in peace. Getting away from the lies and deceit will help give you a chance to rebuild your personal worth. I hope and pray you have a testimony of what God is doing next time you write on this website.

 

[Depleted]

One thing for sure, if anyone wants to leave their spouse, this is the place to come to for the support you want.

Only problem is the support was from people who are prone to think in modern terms, instead of in biblical terms. AND the end result doesn't affect them one way or the other. Within the next week or two, watch. They'll be telling the next person to leave too. And the person after that and after that and after that.

The big question was never answered -- WWJD? What did God want you to do?

I will continue to pray for the Lord's light on you, but I think you're taking the first steps toward divorce. I hope God let's you know if that's what he wants before your intuition makes another decision you might regret.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Well, I certainly hope you get the apartment. From what hubby said, it doesn't sound like he really cares if you leave or not. That is sad and unfortunate, but probably in the best interest of your children. Didn't your daughter say she's afraid of him and wants no part of him? He's made his choice: the alcohol. He just doesn't want to own up to having an addiction to it.

Well, I applied for an apartment to rent that is new but very affordable for the kids and I. I will find out by Friday if I will get it or not. It won't be completed (its new) until October 10th. My husband asked if I was planning on moving, and I told him if they offer me the apartment then yes. He said, "make sure when my family and your family ask why you moved out its because you decided you wanted to leave, don't put it on me, I don't have a drinking problem, I'm done with you manipulating me."

Ugh...I wanted to scream, but I bit my lip and prayed.

 

[lovingladyo4]

No one said this is permanent - not even the OP

One thing for sure, if anyone wants to leave their spouse, this is the place to come to for the support you want.

Only pr

oblem is the support was from people who are prone to think in modern terms, instead of in biblical terms. AND the end result doesn't affect them one way or the other. Within the next week or two, watch. They'll be telling the next person to leave too. And the person after that and after that and after that.

The big question was never answered -- WWJD? What did God want you to do?

I will continue to pray for the Lord's light on you, but I think you're taking the first steps toward divorce. I hope God let's you know if that's what he wants before your intuition makes another decision you might regret.

 

[Ugly]

One thing for sure, if anyone wants to leave their spouse, this is the place to come to for the support you want.

Only problem is the support was from people who are prone to think in modern terms, instead of in biblical terms. AND the end result doesn't affect them one way or the other. Within the next week or two, watch. They'll be telling the next person to leave too. And the person after that and after that and after that.

The big question was never answered -- WWJD? What did God want you to do?

I will continue to pray for the Lord's light on you, but I think you're taking the first steps toward divorce. I hope God let's you know if that's what he wants before your intuition makes another decision you might regret.

Perhaps because by the time people come here it's time to leave? I have seen people come here and be told they had no basis for divorce. But since the majority here asking are abused or cheated on it is more viable.

 

[Depleted]

No one said this is permanent - not even the OP

No one has to say it. History of divorce in the last 100 years bears it out.

 

[Depleted]

Perhaps because by the time people come here it's time to leave? I have seen people come here and be told they had no basis for divorce. But since the majority here asking are abused or cheated on it is more viable.

It is viable. It is what the world knows. We're actually supposed to be talking about what God can do, and does do.

Funny thing, if someone comes here and says they have advance cancer, everyone jumps in to tell what God can do. Marriage? Nah! God's not going to do anything about marriage, so walk.

What's harder for God to fix cancer or a marriage? And, truthfully, he may choose to fix neither, but at least we're willing to truly seek him over the cancer thing.

If you want to know why the statistics for "Christian" marriages are equal to the rest of the world, that's it! We listen to the rest of the world, instead of God, for marriages.

 

[Fenner]

And who did you pray to when you bit your lip? The God you are going against by leaving your husband? The God you lied to when you said "I take this man for better or worse"? Or the God that you want to not end the covenant with you just because you give Him things to put up with?

God is against this decision you have made, you do not have His permission nor His blessing, but rather His anger. And God disciplines those He accepts as a son or a daughter. Therefore if you are His daughter, troubles are coming your way if you go through with this- mark His Words.

This man is manapulative and abusive. Abuse is not just beating someone. From what she's described it sounds like he's going to stay a functioning alcoholic and he expects her and their children to suck it up and deal with it. Addicts will do what they have to do to keep that addiction going.

So she's not supposed to leave and help the mental health of her children and herself, but he can stay a functioning alcoholic and abuse his relationship with his family? You know I feel like I'm watching an episode of the Duggars right now.

 

[Fenner]

You know I love God and I want to do right by him. I've been married for 18 years, married to a nice man and yes I love him, but he's emotionally void sometimes, he hates confrontation, we all do, but sometimes it has to be dealt with, he has a hard time e pressing his emotions, in January I basically had to give him an ultimatum, come to marriage counseling with me or I'm done. For the last 5 years I begged him to come with me, I went indvidually. It was lonely and of course going by myself wasn't really helping our communication problems. I felt unloved and like this man didn't give one crap about our family and our marriage.

It was my last straw, I didn't want to leave, but I felt like it didn't matter to him what happend. I bottled this pain up little by little and was almost sure if it wasn't for the kid's he'd divorce me. When he truly knew what my plans were he finally went to counseling with me. Little by little we've been working things out, it's not always easy but it's good.

My point is, this woman's Husband is in strong denial, it's all her fault, if she'd just have things this way or if she wouldn't nag me, I wouldn't drink. When this man only has his alcohol to comfort him, maybe then he will open his eyes and get on a path to sobriety and try to salvage his family.

If she stays she's becoming another enabler. Sometimes tough love can save a person's life. I don't know
what this dude's rock bottom is, but if it's not having your family leave because of your alcohol issue, then he's more a selfish jerk than he sounds.

I'm praying you get this apartment. I know you're going to have struggles, but sweetheart you've done what you can do for now. The rest is up to him.

 

[Depleted]

You know I love God and I want to do right by him. I've been married for 18 years, married to a nice man and yes I love him, but he's emotionally void sometimes, he hates confrontation, we all do, but sometimes it has to be dealt with, he has a hard time e pressing his emotions, in January I basically had to give him an ultimatum, come to marriage counseling with me or I'm done. For the last 5 years I begged him to come with me, I went indvidually. It was lonely and of course going by myself wasn't really helping our communication problems. I felt unloved and like this man didn't give one crap about our family and our marriage.

It was my last straw, I didn't want to leave, but I felt like it didn't matter to him what happend. I bottled this pain up little by little and was almost sure if it wasn't for the kid's he'd divorce me. When he truly knew what my plans were he finally went to counseling with me. Little by little we've been working things out, it's not always easy but it's good.

My point is, this woman's Husband is in strong denial, it's all her fault, if she'd just have things this way or if she wouldn't nag me, I wouldn't drink. When this man only has his alcohol to comfort him, maybe then he will open his eyes and get on a path to sobriety and try to salvage his family.

If she stays she's becoming another enabler. Sometimes tough love can save a person's life. I don't know
what this dude's rock bottom is, but if it's not having your family leave because of your alcohol issue, then he's more a selfish jerk than he sounds.

I'm praying you get this apartment. I know you're going to have struggles, but sweetheart you've done what you can do for now. The rest is up to him.

Same problem:
She's done what she can.
Now it's up to him to do what he can.

One "can" is missing out of this scenario and has been missing all along -- God's CAN!

Without God there is no CAN! If we can get past our inability, (and realize we are failures, because we have no good ability in ourselves apart from God), then there is only one answer left -- GOD!

You're all absolutely right -- she can't! She can't change him, she can't take him, she can't take it. That's a good place to be, if we all weren't busy telling her what she CAN do next. She can't!

Hard and deep. She truly is unable to do a damn thing about him. If spouses were able to fix our spouses than wouldn't all marriage be perfect? But we can't. And when we get through that honest answer, then it lowers us to the right place -- remembering God can!

Add into that one promise God made to us eons ago -- And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28 -- and then we can step aside and watch God work where we never could.

Will that save this marriage? Will that make him a better husband? For that matter, something few have even considered, will that make her a better wife? No idea, except God promised and God is able to deliver on his promises. Putting him back into marriage would save so much extra heartache. The kind of heartache created when strangers compare someone they don't know into what they've gone through, and then use that to give advice.

I have no idea if God will or won't save this marriage. But I do know this -- the advice being offered will end it. And she may never know if ending it was or wasn't God's will.

What a horrible thought to fill her mind for the rest of her life.

 

[Speak2Me]

Idagirl I feel sorry for you, not just because of your marriage issues, but because some on here want you to remain chained to this awful man.
Since he won't wear a ring & won't keep his vows to take care of you, there's no doubt he's committed adultery on you and you knew that all along with your training. Porn is adultery also.
IMO this apartment has been dropped in your lap. File for legal separation, and take your name off your joint account because he will wipe it out and try to ruin your credit and break you.
Father I thank you for what you have done for Idagirl, and I ask that you will bless her & her children with good church friends and plenty of support while she goes through this bad time in her life. I know you're able to supply her needs as you've already started doing so. Prove to her this is your plan and not hers in Jesus name we pray, amen.