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In a society like ours, we highly prize achievements. Even some Christians may view work as their entire identity. However, God looks at only the heart. If this woman, is a godly woman, I think that is all that matters. What is her character like? How does she treat her family and other people? How does she treat your own son?
U
Perhaps your son went for a hard working, ambitious woman who was independent, so when he started laying out his demands on how a woman should be (sounds like he thought of her as property) she was smart and independent enough to see what a bad situation Your Son was creating. Quite frankly his is responsible for ruining his engagement by believing he is spiritually justified to dominate his wife, not be her protect and leader.
And when he saw how that backfired and that a good woman knew better than to put up with that crap, he switched gears and found a woman who is less busy and ambitious. He still wants to maintain this fantasy of control, so now he tries to talk as if he is expecting his new woman to do nothing, as if by her acting how she was before she met him, he can show his illusion of control by saying that's what he expects. Because he knows if he starts laying out a list as he did before, he could lose another woman.
I feel that, until he realizes that it's not his place as a husband to control, but to lead by example and encouragement, that no relationship will ever be happy for him.
Real leadership, even as a husband, isn't about making demands and being in control. It's about knowing the line between listening and considering the words of others vs when you need to take a stand, not for your own power trip, but because stand up leadership is needed.
At some point in his life he got the wrong idea of what leadership means. And when he tried to stand up and be a 'leader' (or his fantasy version of what a leader is) someone stronger put him in his place. Now he's weak and afraid and wants to appear in control, when really, he knows he isn't at all in control. Not even being a leader at this point.
Worse yet, you know nothing about this girl, yet you are quick to get in her face and question her life and lifestyle with an accusing finger. Rather than focusing on the differences you have have you tried to sit down and get to know her as a Person, and not as a let down decision that your son has made to be with someone so lowly and undeserving to be in your family?
I'm sure you'll say that's not what you're thinking. But that is Exactly how you sound. I feel sympathy for her if she does marry into this family, to be quite honest.
When i was 20 i made a Very Very bad decision in a woman i chose to date, get engaged to and almost moved in together. My parents were well aware of what a bad choice is was. They didn't like her much because of the circumstances, i won't get into. But when she would show up, she never had a clue my parents had anything against her. They welcomed her into their home. They were prepared to welcome her into the family. They hugged her. Made sure she felt involved and taken care of. Because they knew that, bad decision or not, if i picked her, then she still must be a good person. Rather than making her feel judged and rejected, she felt welcomed. As did my brother and sisters. No one quit talking to me.
It really speaks poorly of your family that they are willing to nearly disown their own brother because they disagree with a choice he's making.
Though that makes things more clear. Family acceptance is based on doing what you're told. Making choices everyone approves of, and if not we'll make sure you know it loud and clear, and walk away from you like you mean nothing. Same thing his fiance did. All these people are hard working, ambitious people.
Looking at it from that point of view, is it really any wonder why he would go the complete opposite? Perhaps he figures if hard working, ambitious people have conditional love and acceptance, maybe someone the opposite will be more accepting of him.
And when he saw how that backfired and that a good woman knew better than to put up with that crap, he switched gears and found a woman who is less busy and ambitious. He still wants to maintain this fantasy of control, so now he tries to talk as if he is expecting his new woman to do nothing, as if by her acting how she was before she met him, he can show his illusion of control by saying that's what he expects. Because he knows if he starts laying out a list as he did before, he could lose another woman.
I feel that, until he realizes that it's not his place as a husband to control, but to lead by example and encouragement, that no relationship will ever be happy for him.
Real leadership, even as a husband, isn't about making demands and being in control. It's about knowing the line between listening and considering the words of others vs when you need to take a stand, not for your own power trip, but because stand up leadership is needed.
At some point in his life he got the wrong idea of what leadership means. And when he tried to stand up and be a 'leader' (or his fantasy version of what a leader is) someone stronger put him in his place. Now he's weak and afraid and wants to appear in control, when really, he knows he isn't at all in control. Not even being a leader at this point.
Worse yet, you know nothing about this girl, yet you are quick to get in her face and question her life and lifestyle with an accusing finger. Rather than focusing on the differences you have have you tried to sit down and get to know her as a Person, and not as a let down decision that your son has made to be with someone so lowly and undeserving to be in your family?
I'm sure you'll say that's not what you're thinking. But that is Exactly how you sound. I feel sympathy for her if she does marry into this family, to be quite honest.
When i was 20 i made a Very Very bad decision in a woman i chose to date, get engaged to and almost moved in together. My parents were well aware of what a bad choice is was. They didn't like her much because of the circumstances, i won't get into. But when she would show up, she never had a clue my parents had anything against her. They welcomed her into their home. They were prepared to welcome her into the family. They hugged her. Made sure she felt involved and taken care of. Because they knew that, bad decision or not, if i picked her, then she still must be a good person. Rather than making her feel judged and rejected, she felt welcomed. As did my brother and sisters. No one quit talking to me.
It really speaks poorly of your family that they are willing to nearly disown their own brother because they disagree with a choice he's making.
Though that makes things more clear. Family acceptance is based on doing what you're told. Making choices everyone approves of, and if not we'll make sure you know it loud and clear, and walk away from you like you mean nothing. Same thing his fiance did. All these people are hard working, ambitious people.
Looking at it from that point of view, is it really any wonder why he would go the complete opposite? Perhaps he figures if hard working, ambitious people have conditional love and acceptance, maybe someone the opposite will be more accepting of him.
A
Oh please. seriously stop. go to God in prayer.
I am an amazing person with God. never been perfect at all. but my mother in law had a veil over her eyes and saw the worst
now after years of being married shes still evil and hasn't grown with God at all trying to separate us and it just so happens shes not in our life anymore , no negativity against our marriage is tolerated.
Her other sons worldy girlfriends had babys in fornication and she kisses there butt everyday because the devil makes it seem like they are perfect . they dont cook clean or even care for there kids
If she doesn't cook. be a mother in law who is loving and teach her. be Christian. suck it up. if not leave him be
ALSO IF YOU BUTT IN THEY WILL GET MARRIED JUST BECASUE YOUR TALKING. IM AM SO SERIOUS. THATS LIKE 10%OF WHY I GOT MARRIED INITIALLY. (OTHER THAN PERMISSION FROM GOD) BUT IT WAS MOSTLY TO SHUT MY MOTHERIN LAW UP. lol. so yeah your behavior drives the situation. were you always a perfect Christian? if not then please don't judge her. you have the power in prayer to either let God show him shes wrong for him. or the power to change her and have a new daughter and have a good relashionship with her. I wish my mother in law was different. I really do. my kids barely know her smh. and id love some help sometimes. but hey God does everything for a reason. she was UBER controlling. rant over lol. sorry
I am an amazing person with God. never been perfect at all. but my mother in law had a veil over her eyes and saw the worst
now after years of being married shes still evil and hasn't grown with God at all trying to separate us and it just so happens shes not in our life anymore , no negativity against our marriage is tolerated.
Her other sons worldy girlfriends had babys in fornication and she kisses there butt everyday because the devil makes it seem like they are perfect . they dont cook clean or even care for there kids
If she doesn't cook. be a mother in law who is loving and teach her. be Christian. suck it up. if not leave him be
ALSO IF YOU BUTT IN THEY WILL GET MARRIED JUST BECASUE YOUR TALKING. IM AM SO SERIOUS. THATS LIKE 10%OF WHY I GOT MARRIED INITIALLY. (OTHER THAN PERMISSION FROM GOD) BUT IT WAS MOSTLY TO SHUT MY MOTHERIN LAW UP. lol. so yeah your behavior drives the situation. were you always a perfect Christian? if not then please don't judge her. you have the power in prayer to either let God show him shes wrong for him. or the power to change her and have a new daughter and have a good relashionship with her. I wish my mother in law was different. I really do. my kids barely know her smh. and id love some help sometimes. but hey God does everything for a reason. she was UBER controlling. rant over lol. sorry
S
Your son is 29 years old! Cut the umbilical cord already! He is a man and he is going to make decisions like a man. You're trying to sissify him at this age?! It's no wonder guys his age still live at home with their parents. You both are overbearing and if I'm him/her, I'm leaving the state to avoid you.
If I may speak freely, it sounds as if your son has a number of things going on.
First off, with the current situation, it sounds like maybe he is so desperate to wear the title of husband/married that he is jumping at the chance of the willingness of someone.....even though it is someone that he does not truly desire.
I am sure it is also in his thought that he has everything under control, and that things will all sort out AFTER they are married. (People really do view wedding bands as 'magical'....like they can solve anything.)
Concerning the first girl....I am a bit of a loss as to what to say, considering that there is little information to go on from what you posted, and issues such as these are always faceted with more dimentions that we can know.
I guess ultimatly, from what you have described from the two situations, for whatever reason, your son seems to have an unhealthy, and unrealistic view of relationships and marriage.
Marriage, as you well know, is NOT a list of demands that someone has to complete on a daily basis. Marriage is two people coming together, shareing what they want out of life, and letting the other person know that they would like to strive for those things with them by their side. It is not a 'list of demands' that can make someone feel unaccomplished, and pressured that the love of their spouse is tied into whether a hot breakfast was prepared for them that morning, or that they fulfilled a desire the night before. It is about open communication, support, respect and unity.
We all have things that we would really want out of a potential other. But in that you have to have some flexability. Life happens, circumstances happen. Not everything can be scripted to be a fairy tale as we would all wish for. (as nice as that would be.)
It seems that some of the values that you have instiled in your son have stuck. You said he is a homeowner, so that means that he has been financially responsible to mantain good credit and pay his bills on time and be financially sound. It does sound like he has recognized the stability of the home you raised him in with two parents who were devoted to one another for so many years working TOGETHER to raise 5 children. But what it seems to be lacking is his disconnect for what is realistic, and the long term ramifications of it.
I think that some of the things you should try to do is sit him down in a neutral atmosphere (so he does not feel attacked) and ask him to tell you 5 qualities of the new woman that he finds worthy and that he values. Then ask him to tell you 5 things of this new woman that he does not find so appealing....and to explain to you why he does not find them appealing. (do not respond....just listen. Show him that you respect this is HIS life, and that you care about his thoughts, and that is why your asking.)
Concerning the things that he finds desireable....ask him if he would still want this woman if some, or all of them did not exist any longer. And how he would feel about that.
Also, in return, ask that if he can truly live with the five things that are not as appealing without resentment creeping in at some point....because that is a big reality that needs to be taken into consideration. (not just now...or even two years into the marriage....but long term.) Also ask, that since he had a list of demands for the first fiance' to live by.....would he require this new girl to change herself to suit him. then prayerfully move forward in how to respond based off what he says.
I am at a much different place in my life now than I was in my twenties.....but I clearly married the wrong person. that is all on me, because I made the choice. BUt I think I knew deep down not to go forward in it.....but I thought in my heart (and head) that I would be enough for him that he would want to turn those things around in the future for the betterment of our relationship. (I know, sort of conceited on my part......and I am not a naive person by nature.....but love and attraction and lonliness can definitely strip us of our inhibitions that are there to keep us sound and safe.)
And foremost....pray that God intercedes in a HUGE way so that this marriage cannot take place if it is not the Fathers will.
Pray without ceasing. And probably do not engage in anymore conversations with the fiance'....as she will only tell him what you have said or done and use that in a manipulating way to drive the wedge between you and your son bigger.
I hope all works out for the best. Blessings!
First off, with the current situation, it sounds like maybe he is so desperate to wear the title of husband/married that he is jumping at the chance of the willingness of someone.....even though it is someone that he does not truly desire.
I am sure it is also in his thought that he has everything under control, and that things will all sort out AFTER they are married. (People really do view wedding bands as 'magical'....like they can solve anything.)
Concerning the first girl....I am a bit of a loss as to what to say, considering that there is little information to go on from what you posted, and issues such as these are always faceted with more dimentions that we can know.
I guess ultimatly, from what you have described from the two situations, for whatever reason, your son seems to have an unhealthy, and unrealistic view of relationships and marriage.
Marriage, as you well know, is NOT a list of demands that someone has to complete on a daily basis. Marriage is two people coming together, shareing what they want out of life, and letting the other person know that they would like to strive for those things with them by their side. It is not a 'list of demands' that can make someone feel unaccomplished, and pressured that the love of their spouse is tied into whether a hot breakfast was prepared for them that morning, or that they fulfilled a desire the night before. It is about open communication, support, respect and unity.
We all have things that we would really want out of a potential other. But in that you have to have some flexability. Life happens, circumstances happen. Not everything can be scripted to be a fairy tale as we would all wish for. (as nice as that would be.)
It seems that some of the values that you have instiled in your son have stuck. You said he is a homeowner, so that means that he has been financially responsible to mantain good credit and pay his bills on time and be financially sound. It does sound like he has recognized the stability of the home you raised him in with two parents who were devoted to one another for so many years working TOGETHER to raise 5 children. But what it seems to be lacking is his disconnect for what is realistic, and the long term ramifications of it.
I think that some of the things you should try to do is sit him down in a neutral atmosphere (so he does not feel attacked) and ask him to tell you 5 qualities of the new woman that he finds worthy and that he values. Then ask him to tell you 5 things of this new woman that he does not find so appealing....and to explain to you why he does not find them appealing. (do not respond....just listen. Show him that you respect this is HIS life, and that you care about his thoughts, and that is why your asking.)
Concerning the things that he finds desireable....ask him if he would still want this woman if some, or all of them did not exist any longer. And how he would feel about that.
Also, in return, ask that if he can truly live with the five things that are not as appealing without resentment creeping in at some point....because that is a big reality that needs to be taken into consideration. (not just now...or even two years into the marriage....but long term.) Also ask, that since he had a list of demands for the first fiance' to live by.....would he require this new girl to change herself to suit him. then prayerfully move forward in how to respond based off what he says.
I am at a much different place in my life now than I was in my twenties.....but I clearly married the wrong person. that is all on me, because I made the choice. BUt I think I knew deep down not to go forward in it.....but I thought in my heart (and head) that I would be enough for him that he would want to turn those things around in the future for the betterment of our relationship. (I know, sort of conceited on my part......and I am not a naive person by nature.....but love and attraction and lonliness can definitely strip us of our inhibitions that are there to keep us sound and safe.)
And foremost....pray that God intercedes in a HUGE way so that this marriage cannot take place if it is not the Fathers will.
Pray without ceasing. And probably do not engage in anymore conversations with the fiance'....as she will only tell him what you have said or done and use that in a manipulating way to drive the wedge between you and your son bigger.
I hope all works out for the best. Blessings!