Actually, the point of contention with my brother has nothing to do with Dad. We were flat broke. (Now we're only broke, which feels so good after being flat broke. lol) Hubby was on chemo when all our savings disappeared and the foreclosure came in the mail. My brother was making at least six figures a year back then, and I asked for money. Not a loan, because I knew we'd never be able to pay him back. But max: $10,000, so he'd know I wasn't asking for all he had, and I was clear even less than that -- whatever he could afford -- was fine. And I wrote, instead of called, so, if he felt uncomfortable just saying no, he could pretend he never got the letter. And writing gave him time to decide one way or another, whereas if I called, it would sound like I was giving him no choice but demanding an answer right then. I honestly wrote all that in that letter. lol
He called. (That killed off pretending he never got the letter.) Then he wanted all the gory details of how bad it was. (It was worse than I'm describing it here.) And as I gave all the details, he asked more and more personal questions. I was crying. (I grew up with three brothers, a tomboy Mom and Dad. I do NOT cry! lol)
Worse yet, hubby was seeing me crying so telling me to get off the phone because my brother is a ...!!! (You really don't want to mess with me when hubby is near or you get full wrath of hubby. lol)
BUT I really didn't want hubby living in our car during chemo, so I kept going, crying my heart out and telling bro what was going on.
He asked me if I needed an answer immediately. I told him we'd be just as broke tomorrow as we were that day. Finally the phone call was over. It sounded like he needed to think about it.
The next time I heard from him was years later. Something was seriously wrong with Dad and could I go up there to take Dad to the doctors to find out what. (Doctor was thinking min strokes.) THAT's when he "apologized." (And yes, I did go. And I was there for Dad for the test and the doctor's visit after the test when we heard that word together -- "dementia.")
Never got a Yes or No out of him. Got totally and completely ignored.
Dad and that brother had something in common at that time. Both had two kids in college or about to go to college. I wrote that same letter to Dad and one of hubby's family members. I got an honest answer from Dad. He'd send what he could, but it wouldn't be a lot, because he owed an education to the two youngest. (One was going to Syracuse and the other Penn State -- so he was paying BIG bucks for education.)
I can't blame him for that. Matter of fact, if it weren't for what Dad could send, we would have ended up living in the car, so I am enternaly grateful he sent what he could, and hold no hard feelings it wasn't the max of what I asked. It was enough! That's all I asked for.
But bro? He simply left me hanging after spending 2 hours making me cry for no particular reason other than his nosiness. I know I had no right to ask. I know I was begging. Yes or No was fine!
It certainly wasn't lack of communications, unless you can think of some how I misinterpreted his message.
Well, I knew the link wasn't so perfect and was about a parent-child relationship when it needed to be about a sibling relationship. I probably shouldn't have posted it, or explained(or maybe I should have explained). Oddly enough, I though I did explain until I just came back, now. I'm sorry about that.
And, you are correct, with that new information you provided, it's a little different than what I thought. I do believe it's still a communication problem. Your brother was rude and seems not to have understood. Also, I don't think I said it was your fault, anywhere in that post. If I missed it, I apologize. I don't remember feeling at all like it was your fault when I posted that, just to be clear.
It is obvious to me that you and he don't see eye to eye. He was much too inquisitive when you needed him. When I read your post, I think he is thinking that you are lying about something. I don't know if you felt that way or not? Seems like you two just don't understand each other. Nor does it seem like you know how to speak up for yourself when he interrogates you like that. I have a family member that likes to do that. I don't know how to handle it either, so don't think I'm pointing a finger at you, and not myself.
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's health. He sounds like a good husband. Thank God your dad and one of his family members helped.
The amount of money your brother makes actually has little bearing on him giving you money. He may have debts he cannot afford. He actually has no obligation to tell you what is going on. You have no obligation to tell him everything either, though I'm sure you thought you were trying to, and succeeding in winning him over with your openness and honesty. Anyone would and that's why I have done the very same thing.
I've found that some folks will judge me when they know too much, even family.
Helping dad was from your heart and has nothing to do with your brother. You love your dad and want to help him, whether your brother asks or not.
No, I don't have a solution, but I can say that I am sorry you are hurting. I think anyone would. I have been in similar postions with money and have been turned down for help. I don't hold that against them. My life is mine and they have no obligation to me.
Just to be clear, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know you needed help and would not have asked if you didn't. I wish he could have heard what you were saying and had some empathy and compassion for you and your husband. He did not serve his own sister well. I hope you have made it through those times and are all well.
