What is normal in marriage?

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BrightAndSunny

Guest
#21
#21
I sincerely appreciate all of your responses and words of wisdom. It really has changed the way I see things. I'm going to work on myself. Unfortunately there is much more to the story and personal issues that make me see myself the way I do, but I know I get strength from The Lord ....I can and will do this :)
 
E

Ephraim

Banned
#22
May 17, 2013
175
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#22
BrightAndSunny said:
I sincerely appreciate all of your responses and words of wisdom. It really has changed the way I see things. I'm going to work on myself. Unfortunately there is much more to the story and personal issues that make me see myself the way I do, but I know I get strength from The Lord ....I can and will do this :)
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Self-consciousness is such a hard thing to hurdle, I've been there too, and still am to some degree. And being told it's something you need to take care of yourself is just as hard! Because we all want to feel validated, but we can't put that pressure on people to fill a hole that existed before they came along, because they can't make up for whatever has happened in your life to make you feel that way. But they can enhance your life and come ot understand you and you to understand them and that's something you two can explore together.

Good luck! :)
 
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BrightAndSunny

Guest
#23
#23
Thank you. God is good.
 
onlinebuddy

onlinebuddy

Senior Member
#24
Sep 1, 2012
1,115
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#24
Twinkle77 said:
There is no such thing as a normal marriage.
I have been married now for 35 years and I used to feel just like you do. What was worse for me was that I did not know whether he was faithful and whether he loved me or not.

What I felt and what you are feeling is insecurity because we need our hubbies to say "I love/appreciate you" or "You look nice today" etc in order to feel secured and feel good about ourselves.
The most important thing that I learned was that I needed to like myself for who I am and that God loves me for who I am cause He made me and "He" who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion.

I heard a sermon once from a pastor and he said that if we expect our loved ones to fulfil what our heart desires, then we will be always dissappointed. Because the only person who can fulfil our hearts is God.
We have to put our total trust in God and receive from God His love which can quench the loneliness inside.
His love that overcome every heartache. His love that give you confidence as a person because God is your pillar.

Even if no one says how pretty you are or that they love you, you will feel contentment in your heart, you will feel loved, you will feel secured, you will feel beautiful because God is the one who will give you all this.
When this takes place, your way of thinking will change and instead of feeling insecure and lonely, you will feel joy and
you will be able to impart what God has given you to your hubby and to the others.

I understand it means alot to you to feel loved and appreciated by your husband cause I felt the same way, but I realised I couldn't change my husband to be what I would like him to be or to say.

To desire much more in a relationship, first thing is to let God work in your heart and change your way of thinking and feeling. God who began a good work in your husband, will also carry it out to completion.
Today, after 35 years of marriage, and 14 years as a Christian, I feel confident as a person and no longer insecure generally.
Has my husband changed? Yes - God changed him through the years but not to the way I would like him to be but to the way God wants him to be.

If you are struggling with your weight, and if you want to lose weight and can't, pray that God will give you the will power to do so and self control.

When our hearts are sincere before God for the right reasons, God hears our prayers and He will help us to achieve it.
We may go through a painful process because He is refining us like gold.

Put your trust in God and cast your eyes on Him.
May Gods love envelope you and confort you and may He begin His amazing work in you!!
God bless
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Well said, Twinkle77! I couldn't have said it better.

BrightAndSunny,
May God bless your marriage, and give you the desires of your heart!

Bottomline:
if we expect our loved ones to fulfil what our heart desires, then we will be always dissappointed. Because the only person who can fulfil our hearts is God.
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P

prodigaldaughter

Guest
#25
#25
Though not married I have seen both good and bad marriages. I do not think there is a definitive description of what a normal marriage is, however I would imagine it is a blessing to both.

My humble opinion on this are:-

1) Men and women process things differently women this is how we were designed by God. Not a bad thing as we all have different functions.

2) You both growed up in different circumstances different environment etc. We are all uniquely different and this is ok :)

3) The scripture verse in Luke 6:31
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
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. Begin treating him how you would like him to treat you. Do it not to get it back but do it because you love him. He may need to know how to show you love.

4) Be patient with him and ask God to show you how to interact with your husband. Ask God to place His divine love in your husband.

5) Woo your husband. This shouldn't end because you are married now it should continue.

Well that is all I have to say on this. I do hope that there is a breakthrough in your situation.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#26
May 3, 2013
8,719
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#26
@aphraim That's right! But that is the most common claim I've seen here and out there. So I started to said from my view or needs, instead of others or the culture where I was raised. Recently I read that, in Thailand, it is the girls who gives present when wooing (The opposite way I've been told). Ha! Ha! And these things are funny: Christian view is GIVING rather than receiving, but THE EGO still alive. It keeps on ASKING rather than GIVING (and I acknowledged my reasons to avoid giving) More over if I have nothing to give! (and reaching the best age to be ready to accept my lacks and lost expectations). He! He! :)
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#27
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
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#27
"Begin treating him how you would like him to treat you. Do it not to get it back but do it because you love him. He may need to know how to show you love."

"Woo your husband "

That is wisdom!
 
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danschance

Guest
#28
#28
BrightAndSunny said:
My husband is non-affectionate and doesn't make me feel special or unique. I, basically, feel like a roommate in our marriage. He doesn't seem to appreciate me and if he does never tells me or shows me. Let me say, I know he is faithful and I know he loves me, but says he can't show it. Meanwhile, I feel so alone inside. I desire so much more in a relationship, but I feel bound by my committment to marriage and God. I have struggle with my weight our entire marriage and was not thin when I met him.....he never tells me I'm beautiful unless I ask. Is it me? It's so painful when you have these feelings and no one to turn to. I've prayed, I'm praying. Sometimes I just want to know if I'm thinking the right way.
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Men often think a marriage is fine and running smooth because they are not aware of any problems. He no doubt thinks you know how he feels for you, so why verbalize it? What he doesn't understand, like many men, is that women need to be loved like fish need water.

Maybe the best thing to do is to tell him and explain how you are feeling. Sit down and communicate with him. Tell him what you need and expect from him. Tell him how you fell. Otherwise he will not know or understand. I've told a good friend of mine how to communicate with men. You tell him point blank how you feel and what you need. Try and say it short and sweet. Men tend to look for the basic issue and then look for a solution.

Waiting around for him to change on his own is not very likely. If you don't let him know you may become angry and resentful and eventually want to leave him. I am sure you don't want that, right? You might also try marriage counseling.
 
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BrightAndSunny

Guest
#29
#29
Let me say, that I didn't ask what "is" a normal marriage, I asked what is normal "in" marriage? A lot of you suggest that I myself should be the one to take the initiative to fix what is wrong. I HAVE! I have been a dedicated, submissive, loving etc....I have done everything possible to "woo" this man. Why does everyone ask me if he was like this when I married him??? He has to change, I had to change!!! I'm a wife, not a single woman. He's a husband which means he has to be different than a single man. We've had marriage counseling......(sigh)
 
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iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#30
#30
BrightAndSunny said:
My husband is non-affectionate and doesn't make me feel special or unique. I, basically, feel like a roommate in our marriage. He doesn't seem to appreciate me and if he does never tells me or shows me. Let me say, I know he is faithful and I know he loves me, but says he can't show it. Meanwhile, I feel so alone inside. I desire so much more in a relationship, but I feel bound by my committment to marriage and God. I have struggle with my weight our entire marriage and was not thin when I met him.....he never tells me I'm beautiful unless I ask. Is it me? It's so painful when you have these feelings and no one to turn to. I've prayed, I'm praying. Sometimes I just want to know if I'm thinking the right way.
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What is normal in marriage? Well...healthy & open communication is normal in marriage. Mutual respect & kindness is normal in marriage. Love & honor is normal in marriage. Uninhibited physical contact is normal in marriage. Sharing your thoughts,feeling,concerns,burdens & ideas with one another is normal in marriage. Praying with & for one another is normal in marriage. I can go on if you'd like more examples of what normal "in" marriage is supposed to be. I don't know your situation other than the brief snippets of what you've shared,but if your husband was this way prior to you & him getting married,then I would question why in the world you married a man who,by what you describe loves you but doesn't show it or express it in any such way? I'm not sure what your struggle with weight has to do with anything,if you "know" he loves you,and even though you have to ask him,he still tells you that he finds you beautiful. In my opinion,I think you need to start focusing more on what God thinks of you,ask your husband to spend some time praying together (or do it more frequently if you already do)...pray alone for him as well,that God would touch his heart to help him feel more open to expressing this love he has inside for you. Tell your husband in love what you need from him. As his wife that is one of your responsibilities...to communicate your needs to him. I pray that you both grow stronger in Christ & that Jesus reveals to you how precious you are. Start seeing yourself as Christ sees you! God Bless.
 
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ukkez

Guest
#33
#33
all i can say is talk to your husband on how u feel. have a nice meal together and talk openly on whats going on in ur head, its hard but will take a load off you once you have said it, and im sure he would be upset thinking your holding all this bk.
or if you cant say it in words iv wrote a letter before that way u have thought about what u want to say and can put it in a loving way. i think its important to say how u feel to one another even if u find it hard to show it.

and for you saying ur have a weight problem and asking weather your beautiful, of course you are, you are the daughter of the almighty one, God, he thinks your amazing. i think most women worrie about the way they look, 1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

i hope that helps. God bless you and your husband x
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#34
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#34
Is there such a thing as a 'normal' marriage?? Every relationship has it's own uniqueness and the paths of navigation are different for every couple :).

Focus on the Family is a GREAT organization for helping marriages and families. They have a wonderful website.

One suggestion about your original post...that your husband only tells you that you're beautiful if you ask him. I don't think it's a good idea to ask people for compliments...otherwise they're rather forced. I think a lot of women have insecurities in different areas...we need to really examine what is making us feel insecure and come up with a plan to tackle it. Sometimes we put too much on our husbands; especially with emotional needs. Although a husband should make his wife feel loved, he just isn't going to be able to fill the need wives have for God's love. That we need to seek ourselves from the main Source.

Over the years, I have learned to accept my husband the way he is. His 'shortcomings' are different than your husband's 'shortcomings'. And he has accepted my shortcomings. This acceptance of each other with love and understanding comes from a mutual commitment to self-sacrificing love. I think this is one of the main purposes of a godly marriage...learning about self sacrifice and submitting to one another; from both husband and wife. And it has nothing to do with being a door-mat. We have actually learned that we CAN confront each other about unpleasant things because we know deep down that the issue at hand is not going to hurt our marriage; that covenant we made with each other is stronger than the problem.

I, too, am dealing with a weight problem and low self-esteem. I'm in the process of losing 50 pounds (lost 25 so far). I know we shouldn't be too caught up in our looks but when our self-esteem is suffering and we're battling depression, it's time to take the bull by the horns and DO SOMETHING about it. As much as we'd like to think our looks shouldn't matter to our husband, the fact is that it usually does. One thing I've discovered on my self-improvement program is that my husband is blessed that I want to please him :). I know that he'd love me no matter how much weight I gained but the fact that I'm improving my looks (and my health) for me and for him, makes him happy.

I love reading Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind" (good for fighting depression) and also "Look Great, Feel Great-12 keys to Enjoying a Healthy Life Now". She's not afraid of dealing with women's issues!

Another thing I've learned in 30 years of marriage...our husbands NEED our approval. It took me a while to learn this. I didn't realize that it mattered to him if I 'approved' of him or not. But they really need our verbal approval and respect. I assumed he knew that I honored and respected him. Just the other day I looked him in the eye and said, 'thanks honey for going to work everyday and being such a good provider for our family'. He got the biggest grin on his face :).

Praying for you and your husband....that the Spirit leads you both into a faith-filled, honoring marriage where you both will be completely fulfilled by God-directed love for one another.
 
J

jinx

Guest
#35
#35
BrightAndSunny said:
Let me say, that I didn't ask what "is" a normal marriage, I asked what is normal "in" marriage? A lot of you suggest that I myself should be the one to take the initiative to fix what is wrong. I HAVE! I have been a dedicated, submissive, loving etc....I have done everything possible to "woo" this man. Why does everyone ask me if he was like this when I married him??? He has to change, I had to change!!! I'm a wife, not a single woman. He's a husband which means he has to be different than a single man. We've had marriage counseling......(sigh)
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Have you prayed to GOD to be the kind of woman your husband needs and wants you to be and to be fully satisfied with that?
I know we can't change anyone but ourselves, so I would ask GOD to change and mold me to be the kind of wife my husband needs me to be and to be fully satisfied to be such a woman. that's just my take on it.
 
onlinebuddy

onlinebuddy

Senior Member
#36
Sep 1, 2012
1,115
24
38
#36
BrightAndSunny said:
Let me say, that I didn't ask what "is" a normal marriage, I asked what is normal "in" marriage? A lot of you suggest that I myself should be the one to take the initiative to fix what is wrong. I HAVE! I have been a dedicated, submissive, loving etc....I have done everything possible to "woo" this man. Why does everyone ask me if he was like this when I married him??? He has to change, I had to change!!! I'm a wife, not a single woman. He's a husband which means he has to be different than a single man. We've had marriage counseling......(sigh)
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In marriage, both partners may not be equally expressive. However, both must be giving and respond to the other's needs. Looks like your husband is a good guy, but he needs to be more giving and not take you for granted.

One of the problems in Christian marriages is that a husband may take his wife for granted, because he knows that she loves God and will never leave him. Marriage relationships also take a backseat because of the pressures of work, etc. You need to find out what the problem is. If it's your weight, your husband needs to "repent."

Marriage counselling is not working because he may not like being confronted, and the counselling is all about what he needs to change (I wonder what his side of the story is). Forced affection is not affection at all. So, take a break; go on a holiday; talk about the good old days, and let things happen naturally.

It looks like you are doing all you can. Do not give up.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Gal 6:9, NIV)

Above all, cast your burdens on God. When we cannot change someone, we must turn to God, and the answer will come. God Bless.
 
E

Ephraim

Banned
#39
May 17, 2013
175
1
0
#39
BrightAndSunny said:
Let me say, that I didn't ask what "is" a normal marriage, I asked what is normal "in" marriage? A lot of you suggest that I myself should be the one to take the initiative to fix what is wrong. I HAVE! I have been a dedicated, submissive, loving etc....I have done everything possible to "woo" this man. Why does everyone ask me if he was like this when I married him??? He has to change, I had to change!!! I'm a wife, not a single woman. He's a husband which means he has to be different than a single man. We've had marriage counseling......(sigh)
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I always said I would marry someone because I loved them for what they are, not for what I want them to become.

Perhaps this is part of the problem.
 
wisebeardman

wisebeardman

Banned
#40
Mar 22, 2013
4,718
124
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Indiana
#40
never been married. dont think i ever will be. but anyway

I myself am not an affectionate person. thus I dont touch people ect ect.
Also I hate repeating myself. If I say something once that will be it. if I tell someone they are good looking thats it i told them don't ask me again cause you should know what i think since I told you once before. ill actually get a bit aggravated if someone asks me the same question several years later

could the guy be a bit like me? not sure but thats just how I am.
 
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