When family do not want to reconcile

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Eliz54

New member
Aug 10, 2019
8
1
3
#1
My children only want an " occasions relationship" that is contact on Birthdays and Christmas etc.
I have had many ill health trials to endure with no understanding from them. They keep their
children, (my grandchildren) news from me. As a mom I have been resistant to these occasion
contacts as I find it disrupts my life - as they send a greeting then go away till the next occasion.
Each time I hope we can reconcile and talk through issues - but my daughter says she will never
talk ever. She says she is a Christian. Do I keep running after them? Do I give in to the Occassions
only relationship that disrupts my feelings and effects my other daughter, my hubby and my
health? Please can someone give me some advice. It is my daughters birthday tomorrow and she
will be expecting me to make contact and adhere to her 'Greetings relationship'
 

Karraster

Senior Member
Nov 10, 2013
3,137
493
83
#2
Hello Eliz54, welcome to CC. I feel for your pain and disappointment. For sure we have no crystal ball to show us what life will be like into the future, we wouldn't believe it anyway, would we? When they were little, it never dawned on us they would someday exclude us from their lives.

Here is a website you may find useful: https://www.rejectedparents.net/

Did your daughter by chance go to college? Mine did, and came out believing the Bible is not true, and that she and I never really bonded.

I hesitate to give advise other than, study the Word, follow it, and count your blessings.
 

Eliz54

New member
Aug 10, 2019
8
1
3
#3
Hello Eliz54, welcome to CC. I feel for your pain and disappointment. For sure we have no crystal ball to show us what life will be like into the future, we wouldn't believe it anyway, would we? When they were little, it never dawned on us they would someday exclude us from their lives.

Here is a website you may find useful: https://www.rejectedparents.net/

Did your daughter by chance go to college? Mine did, and came out believing the Bible is not true, and that she and I never really bonded.

I hesitate to give advise other than, study the Word, follow it, and count your blessings.
Hi there,
Thank you so much. No, my daughter is 42 years old. I am a strong Christian and cannot understand how as Christians we cant talk through things. It is a difficult one to advise as there are no clear cut answers to be found in the Word with regard to this particular situation. Thanks again for responding.
 

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
May 3, 2017
2,640
3,005
113
58
#4
Hi Eliz...
My heart truly goes out to you...
I am a mother and grandmother and great grandmother , and I have had to deal with the things you speak off...

Just a thought of mine I want to offer you...Give your children to God , I mean surrender them to God , plead your case with God and tell Him how they are stealing your joy by their selfish ways...
You say your child is a Christian , but are they really , are they being fed daily with Gods word to know how to we should be walking and treating others ?

I have 5 children whom I have contact with , two are saved , my son who is serving life in prison is saved , but for a long time I saw no fruit , just his selfish ways , my heart kept breaking as I was the only one who kept giving , in the end I could bare it no longer and surrendered him to God...

I found myself doing actions I thought I would never do , I cut phone calls , visits , and even sending money to him , sounds harsh does is not , but God had closed a door , and in the mean time I rested in our LORD , as He said " Come to Me "

I am now slowly back in contact with my son , but I dealt with him through Scripture...
I wrote him letters about my actions with Scripture backing me up...

Maybe you can send your daughter her card and write Scriptures in it , drawing her to look at herself the way God sees her...

I think my time maybe running out to type more , but I will pray for you , it is sooooo hard being a mother , I hear you sister...xox...
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
2,859
2,168
113
#5
My children only want an " occasions relationship" that is contact on Birthdays and Christmas etc.
I have had many ill health trials to endure with no understanding from them. They keep their
children, (my grandchildren) news from me. As a mom I have been resistant to these occasion
contacts as I find it disrupts my life - as they send a greeting then go away till the next occasion.
Each time I hope we can reconcile and talk through issues - but my daughter says she will never
talk ever. She says she is a Christian. Do I keep running after them? Do I give in to the Occassions
only relationship that disrupts my feelings and effects my other daughter, my hubby and my
health? Please can someone give me some advice. It is my daughters birthday tomorrow and she
will be expecting me to make contact and adhere to her 'Greetings relationship'
"Acceptance. I have learned in our family that acceptance is the only recourse, believe it.
It does not keep me from loving our children that must find their own 'thing' and many times
it leaves us out, I have learned to accept this as part of life in the now. A materialistic life...
( been there done that ) is now in their hands, I accept this, and my love is always mine to know
my heart is in the proper perspective of life in the now."
I hope you come to know of this well...ACCEPTANCE."
'Praise God'
hope-in-focus - Copy - Copy - Copy (2).jpg Friendly.png
 

Eliz54

New member
Aug 10, 2019
8
1
3
#6
Hi Eliz...
My heart truly goes out to you...
I am a mother and grandmother and great grandmother , and I have had to deal with the things you speak off...

Just a thought of mine I want to offer you...Give your children to God , I mean surrender them to God , plead your case with God and tell Him how they are stealing your joy by their selfish ways...
You say your child is a Christian , but are they really , are they being fed daily with Gods word to know how to we should be walking and treating others ?

I have 5 children whom I have contact with , two are saved , my son who is serving life in prison is saved , but for a long time I saw no fruit , just his selfish ways , my heart kept breaking as I was the only one who kept giving , in the end I could bare it no longer and surrendered him to God...

I found myself doing actions I thought I would never do , I cut phone calls , visits , and even sending money to him , sounds harsh does is not , but God had closed a door , and in the mean time I rested in our LORD , as He said " Come to Me "

I am now slowly back in contact with my son , but I dealt with him through Scripture...
I wrote him letters about my actions with Scripture backing me up...

Maybe you can send your daughter her card and write Scriptures in it , drawing her to look at herself the way God sees her...

I think my time maybe running out to type more , but I will pray for you , it is sooooo hard being a mother , I hear you sister...xox...
I can hear you have been through the pain that comes with having to show tough love towards your children. I can identify with you and so grateful for your response. Thank you for taking the time to send me your experience and as hard as it is, I have also felt to guard myself against my children's selfish attitudes. I desperately want to do the right thing by God but in cases like this there
doesn't seem to be a clear cut answer. It is so wonderful to hear that your son is a Christian and that you are in contact. You sound like a really brave lady. :) Thank you sister for your prayer xx
 

Eliz54

New member
Aug 10, 2019
8
1
3
#7
"Acceptance. I have learned in our family that acceptance is the only recourse, believe it.
It does not keep me from loving our children that must find their own 'thing' and many times
it leaves us out, I have learned to accept this as part of life in the now. A materialistic life...
( been there done that ) is now in their hands, I accept this, and my love is always mine to know
my heart is in the proper perspective of life in the now."
I hope you come to know of this well...ACCEPTANCE."
'Praise God'
View attachment 202442 View attachment 202443
I agree acceptance and moving on to do what God has called you to is the best way. I just keep finding myself asking have I done enough - could I have done more. If I could know that then acceptance is easier. My problem is more about doing the right thing by God than by my children. Thank you for your kind words of wisdom and for
taking the time to respond to me. So appreciated !
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
2,859
2,168
113
#8
I agree acceptance and moving on to do what God has called you to is the best way. I just keep finding myself asking have I done enough - could I have done more. If I could know that then acceptance is easier. My problem is more about doing the right thing by God than by my children. Thank you for your kind words of wisdom and for
taking the time to respond to me. So appreciated !
"I have learned to let go of the past, or the past will not let go of us. We move forward and hopefully
apply past experiences to help make better decisions in the now. Remember, each new day is a
new day to make better choices today."
'Praise God'
Friendly.png
 

Leastamongmany

Well-known member
Jun 2, 2019
3,270
1,265
113
Usa
#9
Welcome to cc and Blessings on your journey here. I have no advice to you that has not already been given! Forgive and just accept the position of your daughter. Ask God for the hurt feelings you have to be cast away from your heart,continue your walk in peace and joy. I pray that God will give you a time of reconcilation. We all have times of regrets and guilt in our lives,but we must not let Satan use it as a weapon against us! I will be helping you pray for you and your family.....love!
 

Eliz54

New member
Aug 10, 2019
8
1
3
#10
Welcome to cc and Blessings on your journey here. I have no advice to you that has not already been given! Forgive and just accept the position of your daughter. Ask God for the hurt feelings you have to be cast away from your heart,continue your walk in peace and joy. I pray that God will give you a time of reconcilation. We all have times of regrets and guilt in our lives,but we must not let Satan use it as a weapon against us! I will be helping you pray for you and your family.....love!
Thank you so much for responding and for words of wisdom.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
13,994
7,551
113
#11
Hello and welcome, Eliz54...
I can relate to your story. My kids (both early 20's) have cut me from their lives and communicate very little if at all. I've done what I can, acknowledged my own errors, and continue to pray for them and for reconciliation.

As you can't control whether your kids will ever allow you back in, the emotional space you allow for them at this point might be more than what they warrant. They have set boundaries; respect those boundaries and work within them. I look forward to the day that my kids want to talk with me, but I don't allow their distance to cause me continued pain. Instead, I lift the matter to the Lord and ask for His strength, patience, and peace.
 

Eliz54

New member
Aug 10, 2019
8
1
3
#12
Hello and welcome, Eliz54...
I can relate to your story. My kids (both early 20's) have cut me from their lives and communicate very little if at all. I've done what I can, acknowledged my own errors, and continue to pray for them and for reconciliation.

As you can't control whether your kids will ever allow you back in, the emotional space you allow for them at this point might be more than what they warrant. They have set boundaries; respect those boundaries and work within them. I look forward to the day that my kids want to talk with me, but I don't allow their distance to cause me continued pain. Instead, I lift the matter to the Lord and ask for His strength, patience, and peace.
Thank you, I actually do accept that they have cut me out. What I am struggling with is this superficial occasions messages that come
to ruffle up feelings and appease their guilt. I am asking should I now also do the occasions messages or as a Christian is it okay to
not comply to appease their guilt. I have been extremely ill and find these occasions only messages disruptive to my health. I cannot live without the Lord's strength and need his peace in my life. These occasions messages never bring peace.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
13,994
7,551
113
#13
Thank you, I actually do accept that they have cut me out. What I am struggling with is this superficial occasions messages that come
to ruffle up feelings and appease their guilt. I am asking should I now also do the occasions messages or as a Christian is it okay to
not comply to appease their guilt. I have been extremely ill and find these occasions only messages disruptive to my health. I cannot live without the Lord's strength and need his peace in my life. These occasions messages never bring peace.
I suspect that if you were to refuse to participate in what your kids will tolerate (demand?), they might see that as justification for severing the relationship completely. At the same time, if these insincere greetings disrupt your health, it might be better for you to cease them.

A friend of mine 'lost' his kids to his malicious ex; the little communication he receives from them is heavily laced with profanity and blame. We've talked at length about our situations; I think it would be better to receive any communication at all, just because the door is open; he thinks that no communication is better than the filth he receives.

You asked specifically, "as a Christian is it okay to not comply to appease their guilt?" Yes, certainly. You are under no obligation to play their game, if that's what you sense it is. Being a Christian does not require being a doormat to the manipulation of others. Perhaps consider this: write them a letter briefly but clearly stating your desire for genuine reconciliation, and that because the present situation is distressing to you that you choose not to participate further in it. End it with a hopeful invitation.
 

Kim82

Well-known member
Jun 17, 2018
1,053
911
113
#14
Hi
I am not a mom (as yet). But I would be devastated if my kids who I raised turned their backs on me.

But it just goes to show that, we can't just love and give affection to our own kids. We've got to love the neighbour's kids, the unwanted or neglected child here and there. If you do that, you'll have many kids like father Abraham. Then when your own kids decides to be ungrateful, you won't be so hurt because you're so busy giving and receiving love from the others.

This is why I believe people should not worry about not being able to have kids. With so many unwanted kids, there should not be any sorrow if you don't have one of your own. (But then I've never tried to have a baby before, so maybe I'm wrong on this one.)

I have relatives who are like that too. Its sad, but that's just how it is.

I feel that you should call and wish your daughter happy birthday. She will be expecting you to call, and so will be disappointed or angry if she doesn't hear from you. And if you don't make this call, then who knows whether there will be any more calls from her to you.

It is what it is. All you can do is make the most of it, pray over the situation, and keep a good attitude. Also don't talk bad about her with your other daughter. You have to still maintain a mature attitude of love and unity (I guess that's what mom's are suppose to do.) However, you must be firm if there be any disrespectful behaviour.

Sorry to hear about your ill health.
 

RickyZ

Senior Member
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
783
113
#15
The Bible says children are to honor their parents. It goes on to say that if a fellow Christian is sinning (and your Christian children not honoring you is a sin), you are to confront them with correction; first on your own, then if they do not accept it with members of the body. If they still do not accept correction, you are to then shun them.

Give 'em a taste of their own medicine. Don't acknowledge the birthday tomorrow. And when she wants to know why, tell her you don't want to talk about it.
 

Eliz54

New member
Aug 10, 2019
8
1
3
#16
I suspect that if you were to refuse to participate in what your kids will tolerate (demand?), they might see that as justification for severing the relationship completely. At the same time, if these insincere greetings disrupt your health, it might be better for you to cease them.

A friend of mine 'lost' his kids to his malicious ex; the little communication he receives from them is heavily laced with profanity and blame. We've talked at length about our situations; I think it would be better to receive any communication at all, just because the door is open; he thinks that no communication is better than the filth he receives.

You asked specifically, "as a Christian is it okay to not comply to appease their guilt?" Yes, certainly. You are under no obligation to play their game, if that's what you sense it is. Being a Christian does not require being a doormat to the manipulation of others. Perhaps consider this: write them a letter briefly but clearly stating your desire for genuine reconciliation, and that because the present situation is distressing to you that you choose not to participate further in it. End it with a hopeful invitation.
Thank you for responding. I have tried everything with these two children. I have sent video's where I have poured out my heart. I have explained that I have brain damage from coming off a medication I was on for too long. They don't consider the stress of what they are
doing each time they casually pop their message in to send a Birthday word or two and then disappear until the next occasion, They don't consider me at all. I have a peace about them not having anything to do with me but I need an answer whether it is okay by God if I ignore there occasions messages because they are disruptive. I am praying and seeking for genuine reconciliation and change of hearts.
 

Eliz54

New member
Aug 10, 2019
8
1
3
#17
The Bible says children are to honor their parents. It goes on to say that if a fellow Christian is sinning (and your Christian children not honoring you is a sin), you are to confront them with correction; first on your own, then if they do not accept it with members of the body. If they still do not accept correction, you are to then shun them.

Give 'em a taste of their own medicine. Don't acknowledge the birthday tomorrow. And when she wants to know why, tell her you don't want to talk about it.
Thank you so much. I also felt not to acknowledge the birthday. These children are not honouring me at all and in fact my son who was once in church said that I should honour my children. I just want to do what is right by God. I cant take them to the church because they are in a different country to me. They don't give me contact with the 5 grandchildren but want me to send 'occasion greetings'
on Birthdays. I feel that I have been hammered by their emotional abuse. My crime is that I have been very sick.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
13,994
7,551
113
#18
Thank you so much. I also felt not to acknowledge the birthday. These children are not honouring me at all and in fact my son who was once in church said that I should honour my children.
Wow. That's so backward. :(
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,782
1,686
113
Texas
#19
Meh, I live a life of participate at your own level. I can't control what others do. I can only control what I do. I make it known that I am doing a thing, and all are welcome to join in but if they don't. I don't worry about it. I however in I don't change my plans just to suit someone else. I don't tolerate drunkenness, stonedness, or disrespect and rudeness.
If folks don't participate with me, yet invite me to occasion of theirs, I go of I want but don't if I don't want to, if already have plans I stick to my already made plans.
I do however make time and changes plans for those who actively participate with me. Simple enough.
 

sandtigeress

Senior Member
Apr 29, 2013
522
13
18
#20
Well it is difficult but it seems to me, you want them to agree to your way of contact. They won’t, because they are not conftable with that.
You do not want, the level of contact they are comftable with.

But in the end that is all there is at the moment, so look into yourself, do you want to loose even that. Your way of emotional dramatizing, will only alienate them further,
You have told them, what you feel, so you do not have to do it again.

I hope, your family will find peace and I hope for you, that you will be included.
But you have to accept, that they are different people, who may not or can not Be your emothional support.

I hope your health will improve and I hope and pray for you that god gives you the strength to deal with the contact your family needs. Even if it is much less than you would want and need.