Why do marriages fail?

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,083
1,749
113
I would call what most people say 'separating' isnt its just abandoning or leaving. Or call it by its real name adultery.
It's not adultery if they don't sleep around. Some couples argue, separate, then reconcile.
 

bojack

Well-known member
Dec 16, 2019
2,309
1,006
113
Im always shocked when I hear of a married couple splitting up. It makes me question a few things, especially if its a christian couple

we know marriage is no guarantee that adultery and unfaithfulness wont happen, but why is it so common these days even in the church. Is it because couples ARE unequally yoked to begin with or some other reason? or is it because of pressure to be married, and from being young and naive and maybe a bit blind to the responsibilites of raising a family, the commitment involved? not enough preparation?

for women is the desire to have children and then caring for them outweighing wifely duties, and for men is it the pressure of providing for the family that ends up splitting couples apart?

or is it simply hardness of heart? what do divorcees say about lessons they learned from being married? when you say marriage vows, arent you both supposed to MEAN what you say or is it just a token thing you do now?

from speaking with split couples my conclusions from observations of women are that they didnt really want to be married it was pressure to be married and not being able to say no, and also pressure to have children before being too old. some wanted childen MORE than wanting a husband thats what I seem to notice, and so chose badly, or put up with abuse, a husbands personal qualities didnt seem to matter over his ability to actually sire children. I really want people to be honest about the issue. Because why would people go to all the trouble of getting married, set up a house together and then just break up after a couple of years it does not make sense. and it also doenst make sense for any children caught in the middle of the drama.
If you've seen the father you've seen the son , so maybe if you've seen the mother you've seen the daughter also .. Main thing I tell folks is never give your whole heart to anyone but Jesus, there's room at the cross for all though .. That way if one leaves the other is not as devastated if Jesus is first .. Dedication and love is one thing but idolizing an immature partner is asking for it if you know what I mean
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
It's not adultery if they don't sleep around. Some couples argue, separate, then reconcile.
exactly. I'd just say well when are you going to forgive each other in that case.
Some couples just dont learn to take holidays apart to give each other space. If you are constantly together ALL the time, wouldnt that just be irritating after a while.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
If you've seen the father you've seen the son , so maybe if you've seen the mother you've seen the daughter also .. Main thing I tell folks is never give your whole heart to anyone but Jesus, there's room at the cross for all though .. That way if one leaves the other is not as devastated if Jesus is first .. Dedication and love is one thing but idolizing an immature partner is asking for it if you know what I mean
yea I would be wary of anyone who is in a great hurry to be married. Or anyone who tries to worship me. Flattery is actually not going to get people anywhere, its actually a red flag. God accepts me for who I am and already loves me so, I dont need others to chat me up. Its kinda creepy when people do actually.

Also wary is older men going for much younger woman thinking that because of their immaturity they automatically be deferential. I just think that is unequal and taking advantage. A man shouldnt be marrying a girl who hasnt grown up yet.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
the wife isnt meant to be her husbands mum.
and the husband shouldnt be his wifes dad. Some marriages are kinda weird like that.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,083
1,749
113
Also wary is older men going for much younger woman thinking that because of their immaturity they automatically be deferential. I just think that is unequal and taking advantage. A man shouldnt be marrying a girl who hasnt grown up yet.
A grown man going after a child is disturbing, but you make a good case, actually, for an older man marrying a younger woman, if this were actually the case. Wives should be submissive to their husbands. But being young does not make one submissive when one should be so. It does seem the man being older makes for a potentially better dynamic than the reverse. I remember in Asia hearing that three years was an idea age gap. I think that was the Koreans, but two or three years apart seems to be common in various parts of the world, with the man being older on average.

Isaac was apparently older than Rebecca. If an 18-year-old girl marries a 90-year-old man, her parents approved, and both may be allowed to be married Biblically (e.g. not divorced contrary to God's word, not married to someone else) and her daddy approves, I see no reason why it would be a sin. But I don't get why she would want to go for it.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
A grown man going after a child is disturbing, but you make a good case, actually, for an older man marrying a younger woman, if this were actually the case. Wives should be submissive to their husbands. But being young does not make one submissive when one should be so. It does seem the man being older makes for a potentially better dynamic than the reverse. I remember in Asia hearing that three years was an idea age gap. I think that was the Koreans, but two or three years apart seems to be common in various parts of the world, with the man being older on average.

Isaac was apparently older than Rebecca. If an 18-year-old girl marries a 90-year-old man, her parents approved, and both may be allowed to be married Biblically (e.g. not divorced contrary to God's word, not married to someone else) and her daddy approves, I see no reason why it would be a sin. But I don't get why she would want to go for it.
well, this just makes for a lot of young widows later on although its not always the case. In the Bible widows under 60 were seen as a bit of a nusiance.
Also I recall the Bible saying submit to one another so not sure why its ONLY the wife to submit to her husband as to the Lord though your translation may vary. maybe its the wife to husband and children to their mother (not their father?) then all submit to Christ who submits to God.

But why would age make the difference for submission, when if husands are told to love their wives, should it matter that they are older than their wife or can only older men love wives younger than themselves?

I havent heard of such an extreme age gap but then I dont go looking in the Guiness Book of records for weird stuff like that. Im still terrified of the picture of man with the longest fingernails.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
Isaac was 37 when he met Rebecca, apparently. Does not say how old Rebekah was except she was a virgin. So, probably at least 13..most women are developed by 16. She waited two years to give birth..to twins.

Isaac didnt really have a choice he was matchmaked. We can see Rebekah was a bit naive about motherhood she played favourites and played a part in Jacobs deception, by that time Isaac was going blind. I dont think that was an ideal marriage if she wasnt being honest with her own husband.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,083
1,749
113
I dont think that was an ideal marriage if she wasnt being honest with her own husband.
I believe the story is written so that we should agree with Abraham's servant that the marriage was from the Lord. You were estimating a 20 year age gap in this case.

If their marriage was from the Lord that does not mean they could not have problems or sin.

I have occasionally heard judgy comments about couples with large age gaps. Sometimes this is from women who might feel threatened by it--the young woman snatching up a man their age. News people may comment negatively about a man marrying a young woman as if it is immoral, while treating fornication and serial monogamy as okay.

If God has joined the two together I think we should be careful not to speak against it. Huge age gaps can result in lots of widows but God can also give the man long life. Before tge 1800s lots of women died off in childbirth so a man might outlive her(at least in this country. It is good we had improvements in technology and doctors started washing their hands.

I read posts from an American who was supposed to be some kind of missionary in the Filippines who wrote that he got in a fight while preaching. He called young Filippinas who married old expats prostitutes. It is the culture to send money to her parents so that is how he made his argument. That was the most extreme thing I have encountered along these lines.

On submission, should parents obey their children. Is that what submit to one another means?

If a wife is older than her husband she should still submit to and fear/respect him like the Bible teaches. I do not think large age gaps in this case are inherently sinful, but again the question is why the young one would want that.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
mostly younger ones want to escape their parents. Rebekah was kinda bribed with jewellery to marry Isaac. She had only seen him ONCE. One has to face facts that some women DO marry for better financial circumstances. a man may offer a diamond ring, a woman has nothing to offer but her body.

I think it depends on the circumstances. especially if the younger spouse is like the second spouse.
there will also be problems later on with big age gaps. As their children can attest. not the same kind of problems that couples with similar ages have, but definite problems about caregiving etc.

some marriages actually are broken up by someone younger going after an already married man. why would she want to? I think she has her reasons which can be quite obvious...and one of these is money/wealth.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
sometimes God does tell someone to marry a prosititute eg Hosea to Gomer. Probably to illustrate a spiritual truth.

he also sometimes has women bear children after menopause. Or fall pregnant before they are even married as is the case with Jesus mother.

so I think people need to forget the idea marriage isnt really solely a thing designed for anyones happiness. even in the Bible its often said people should marry to avoid fornication, so it is a kind of bond or yoke designed to keep people to just one person. otherwise everyone would just be promiscuous I suppose.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
------------------
Rarely does that happen. Couples that usually separate whine up in divorce.
i think in law its two years if they are spearated for longer than that the marriage is considered null and void. But the couple actually need to specifiy how long they need to seperate for. You cant just leave your spouse without telling them why if you truly love them. I have heard of spouses just up and leaving and they dont even tell their spouse WHY.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
some people have affairs and they keep it all secret and dont tell their spouse. and they are the last to know.
that is silly if you respect your spouse you would confess it to them. a spouse is more likely to forgive something like that if they are told about it then if they find out some other way.

when children are born they gonna find out about it anyway. of course they want to know who their real mother and father are. where they got their genes from. Some children never get the chance.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,083
1,749
113
mostly younger ones want to escape their parents. Rebekah was kinda bribed with jewellery to marry Isaac. She had only seen him ONCE. One has to face facts that some women DO marry for better financial circumstances. a man may offer a diamond ring, a woman has nothing to offer but her body.

I think it depends on the circumstances. especially if the younger spouse is like the second spouse.
there will also be problems later on with big age gaps. As their children can attest. not the same kind of problems that couples with similar ages have, but definite problems about caregiving etc.

some marriages actually are broken up by someone younger going after an already married man. why would she want to? I think she has her reasons which can be quite obvious...and one of these is money/wealth.
Where do you get the idea that Rebecca had ever seen Isaac? How could that have happened? She met Abraham's servant

She may have agreed because she recognized this was from the Lord. It was the custom to pay a bride price. Rebecca was tricky in that one case. But she is not depicted as greedy.

I have suspected Laban of agreeing so readily because he got gifts.

Anyone stealing away someone else's husband or wife, from a divinely ordained union, is doing wrong regardless of age.

There are older folks who aren't rich who managed to get a younger partner too. Some people are attracted to older partners, too.

I also think there is a reasonable desire a women can have to want to be provided for without being greedy.
 

SUNDOWNSAM

Active member
Dec 2, 2019
525
79
28
info349479.wixsite.com
i think in law its two years if they are spearated for longer than that the marriage is considered null and void. But the couple actually need to specifiy how long they need to seperate for. You cant just leave your spouse without telling them why if you truly love them. I have heard of spouses just up and leaving and they dont even tell their spouse WHY.
----------------------------

I think the law states that you can get a legal separation after 2 years of being separated, but you are not divorce.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
Where do you get the idea that Rebecca had ever seen Isaac? How could that have happened? She met Abraham's servant

She may have agreed because she recognized this was from the Lord. It was the custom to pay a bride price. Rebecca was tricky in that one case. But she is not depicted as greedy.

I have suspected Laban of agreeing so readily because he got gifts.

Anyone stealing away someone else's husband or wife, from a divinely ordained union, is doing wrong regardless of age.

There are older folks who aren't rich who managed to get a younger partner too. Some people are attracted to older partners, too.

I also think there is a reasonable desire a women can have to want to be provided for without being greedy.
True. I thought she had seen him from afar but my bad she just saw Elizear.
Laban was probably the greedy one who saw what he could gain and then married off two of his daughters to Isaacs son Jacob.

I wouldnt say all older people are rich, just richER, because theyve been working and probably had time to build up savings and investments. If you just fresh out of school you might probably be still in debt these days.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,177
113
----------------------------

I think the law states that you can get a legal separation after 2 years of being separated, but you are not divorce.
I would like to know the exact difference between legal seperation or divorce. Is it you have to change you name back if you married and give up all property rights. Then if theres any property to be inherited nobody actually gets the property?
 
Feb 4, 2020
3
2
3
Hello All,
This is my first post and I'd like to comment, I do hope its apporopriate.
So, I gave my life to Jesus back in Aug 2019.Prior to that I was void of anything that had to do with God.
I was in a marriage of convenience, what does that mean? Let me explain...
When I met my soon to be ex husband I was in a very physically abusive relationship.That relationship was drug fueled and very painful.The best things that came from that relationship was our 2 kids. At the time when we met I had no way out. In walks the husband.He asked me and my kids to move in with him.He said I'd never want for anything,and we could make a home and a life together.I saw my way out..and took it. We had an OK relationship at first...There was love but not the kind it should have been. I married him and we got pregnant. Thats when it all changed.He took a job as an over the road truck driver, which was ok at first. He'd be gone for 2 weeks and be home for 3 days and then back out for 2 weeks etc. That was our life for the first year. I had to plan the induction of our child based on his schedule. I was ok with that...Well...changes happened again. Over the years his time on the road became longer and longer. He was never home much and had become a stranger to our family. For the first year our baby thought the phone was a "daddy" I tried to move to different locations along where he traveled the most. Homeschooling our kids allowed for us to do this. after 55 moves I said enough was enough and settled for the last time in Florida. He started missing birthdays,then our anniversary, and major holidays soon as well. Christmas was the last holiday he made sure to be home for, but in the last 4 years, he had not made it home then. He'd be gone 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, then he'd come home once a month, then once every other month.He then would "visit" after six months..It was weird. The last time before we split he was gone for 9 months..enough time to create and birth a life. Meanwhile I saw someone on social media who kept checking in to church..faithfully every Sunday..I started interacting with this person. we had so much in common and shared many interests.. We started seeing each other and one thing led to another. In February last year, I told my husband (whom I had not seen in 9 months) that I was no longer in love with him and I wanted him to leave and I wanted a divorce. He left that day. I ended up dating that person until June,when they broke it off with me. I was devastated. I had thrown away 18 years of marriage for someone who did not love me. I found out that my husband had been seeing not one but 4 other women during our marriage, and by June he moved into his own place in another state and was "in a relationship" with one of the women. It would seem that what I called Karma acted swiftly.By this time I was broken..I still saw the person checking into their church every Sunday..In August I decided to go to one of his church locations (not the one he went to, that would be boredline stalking) Being only familiar with the Catholic church, my mind was like "here we go, about to cry and breakdown and be judged as every other time" This time was different. I walked into this church, and felt an overwhelming sensation of joy..People smiled at me and I felt so welcomed! Walking out..I ran into him..I never dreamed that would happen.He said he felt called to attend that location on that day! I felt...awkward. But I did not let that awkward feeling detir me from going back. I have attended service every week since then.. I have joined our serve team, am a greeter and have was baptized 2 weeks ago yesterday. My relationship with the guy has become so much more meaningful as we attend church together at times, go to functions together and we are closer than I have ever been with any human. Recently I have felt God telling me that I am married, and that as a Christian woman I had to at least see if reconciliation was possible..I reached out to him last week, he laughed and said he was taken. His new lady is a truck driver as well. I told him I was happy for him which I am. I do think that even though we marry someone, God MUST be at the center of the relationship, otherwise it will fail.I think the other man was sent to me for a purpose, to bring me back to God! I now am in a better place, mentally, physically and spiritually.I am grateful to God for removing the obstacles and for allowing me to hopefully find the one for me one day. But I know it's his will, not mine that will bring that person to me.Not my fleshly desires.
Thank you all for reading , and if it is in the wrong thread or inappropriate please let me know. God bless you all !