Young Wife struggling w/ lack of intimacy from husband

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Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,507
1,430
113
Germany
#41
Yeah, sounds like self sabotage. Any of those things independently would lower T. Basically God explained it to me like this. He (God) designed T to fit the environment. If nutrition is poor, people are working long hrs with little benefit, T lowers to not over populate. The environment doesn’t support it. If nutrition is good and work is physically demanding, more workers needed. Ideal T, population increase. If your environment is hostile, very rigorous like fighting everyday, and your nutrition is good, high T. It increases aggression to help battle enemies and predators, and increases sex drive because this environment may have a high mortality rate.

I knew a guy at work who drank those energy drinks like mad. I told him he might want to dial back his consumption because they are a vascular constrictor. He said, “So!” Then I told him Viagra is a vascular dialator, which does the opposite, to which he responded, “Oh.”
I get especially upset when he gets those with aspartame
Pure disgusting poison
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
800
506
93
Texas
#42
Hello there....

I am just new to the forum but I really have been struggling with this and I feel so alone in this struggle....
I will try to keep this as fairly short as possible but it may be a little long. To start off, my husband and I have been married for about two years now. Before being married we had dated for 3 yrs. almost 4. My husband and I are fairly young we are both in our mid 20's and have no kids. We both work long hours and have tough commutes and jobs. I spend nearly 3.5 hours on average everyday commuting and my schedule is pretty much like 7AM - 8PM. I am not complaining at all though! God gives me patience and strength to preserve through this and I am doing what I love in my career. My husband says his work is very demanding too and he is constantly running around all day taking car of customers his schedule pretty much looks like 5:30 AM- 6PM.

I say that to give some context on what is going on but now I will explain the part that is literally so gut wrenching and painful.... the lack of desire and intimacy.....

When my husband and I were dating we had a lot of passion, we loved to be together, we may have at times been too physical but we saved sex for our wedding night. But the point is he could barely keep his hands off of me.... he loved to kiss, cuddle and hold me. He always wanted to kiss me and pursue me, he would tell all the time how he could barely even sleep because he was thinking about me and how much he wanted to be with me. We knew early on that we wanted to get married and when we became engaged and closer to our wedding day he would say things like how he couldn't wait til we got married and how much sex we would have like everyday.... you get the point it actually seemed like he genuinely desired and wanted me.

Flash forward to once we got married.... our wedding night was amazing and then things.... just seemed to change.... I can't recall for sure but we did have sex a couple times for our little get away (we did not actually have a honey moon until last year) and that was all good but once we got back home things were off. We were also planning to move so we were temporarily staying with my parents for like a week or something before driving out to the west coast. I would iniate sex and try to be intimate but he literally just straight up rejected me only after a few days of being married.... He said something like... we don't always have to have sex all the time, sometimes its just nice to cuddle... and continually said so. That first initial rejection absolutely crushed my heart but I tried to understand and maybe he wasn't comfortable having sex since we were living with my family at the time.... so I brushed that off. It really hurt though because I wanted to be intimate and close to him we HAD JUST GOT MARRIED and he was already turning me down, it just really hurt.

So once we moved to the west coast we were temporarily staying with his family but we had a much bigger room and more private space. I thought that he wouldn't keep rejecting me but.... lo and behold he did and would use the same excuse that he "likes variety" and likes to cuddle. or that he was too tired..... he basically like just stopped iniating sex with me and it was always me trying to be intimate with him. Most times he would respond but a lot of times he would reject me which ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED me and my self esteem. I was beginning to think I wasn't attractive enough to him anymore or that he didn't like me. When I confronted him about it he would say that he loves me very much and finds me very attractive but he doesn't want to have sex all the time... so months of this pattern went by.... He was getting better about not rejecting my advances but he still really did not iniate with me and would basically just seem disinterested in sex in general. Like it was on the back burner for him and not a priority. Even when we got our own apartment things were basically the same way. At this time his job was not even as demanding as it is now so his tired excuse seems like it doesn't hold up....

In the present.... things are better but still... he shows a lack of interest in intimacy and sex. He tells me he is just so tired and he can't sleep well but he loves me and finds me very attractive and I totally get he's tired and understand but he literally treats sex like a chore and it completely crushes my soul. We have even went to counseling because things were getting so bad with his attitude toward this and I was getting so sad, angry, and upset over the past years with our intimacy it was causing a huge rift in our marriage. It also really is actually a gut wrenching feeling when I lie down next to him every night and I feel so unwanted and undesired by him. I have cried my self to sleep many many many times. And I know that I am a beautiful girl but feeling unwanted by your husband really makes you question everything. The pain is so severe to me sometimes my heart feels so heavy and sad. I pray through this as best as I can but I don't know why I am going through this and what I did wrong..... All I really want is just to feel wanted and desired intimately by him.

We do have sex but I stepped back from iniating and let him lead things in the bedroom but it just falls flat.... if he had his way he only approaches me about 1-2 times a week (which may seem fine or like a lot for some people) but to me we have talked about at least 3-4 times a weeks and I mean we are still young and even just newly married. It just seems like he is disinterested in it... the last thing we do after everything else is done around the house is have sex.... it is consistently the last thing on his mind. Its like there is an alarm clock in his head to only be intimate after we lay down for bed. Not like right after work or mid day on weekend.... On the days when he does not want to be intimate he still "tries" for my sake which I appreciate but it is so obvious that he doesn't want to. He sighs..... his eyes are closed as he is dosing off..... he basically is forcing himself to stay awake and and that point I am not turned on at all so what is even the point we end up going to sleep because I know he doesn't want me in that moment.... And really that's what is so extremely hurtful to me is just the not feeling wanted or desired. I mean if he just showed he was interested in me or desired me I don't think we would have these issues.

Another thing is that even when we have sex the majority of the time I feel like I am doing majority of pleasing to him which I love to do but its the same thing every night. I turn him on really good and pleasure him but when it comes to me it falls flat.... He either doesn't touch me at all or barely touches me for two seconds and wants just jump into sex. He doesn't do certain things which I do for him... Like he doesn't reciprocate it and nor does it seems like he has a desire to please just me. He just said and done all these hurtful things leaves me crying all night..... and like truthfully doesn't care... doesn't show barely any interest or desire in sex and I am left wondering why..... He says its because he is really tired but even back when we got married he always had an excuse.... so the tired thing was not always an issue. He has gotten upset at me multiple times for buying lingerie because "we don't have money" or a "waste of money" even though we have enough to buy a few outfits... its' just ridiculous. He says he likes the outfits but doesn't want to spend the money... And I love to buy lingerie it makes me feel sexy and desirable but even that is not good enough for him I guess.... even though he has apologized for this its stlll like.... cmon I thought guys loved when their girl wear lingerie and loved to have sex...

I asked him to be honest with me and tell me the truth and last night he said the same freakin thing that he always says "Likes variety and likes to cuddle" Or is just too tired... I feel absolutely so sad and alone. My heart is just broken, and I am tried of feeling worthless by this. I pray for God to comfort me and show me what he wants to teach me in this time but I just can't see it.... My self esteem feels destroyed. My heart is literally broken and I feel so alone and rejected. I am so tired of the horrendous cycle and feeling so bad. Even after the counseling things were getting a lot better but once it ended he went back right to what he used to do. I am just so sad by this.... literally crying painful tears. I just don't know what to do as a christian wife and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

Even if you just pray for me I will appreciate that. I just wanted to share this story and see if anybody has any advice....
First off, it's brave to share such a private problem .
Here are some questions to answer for yourself.
Where is he spiritually?
How much alcohol does he drink?
Doesn't smoke pot or use any other emasculating drug?
How are his testosterone levels? There are food's that promote production, raisins and beef particularly.
A lot of driving and office type work raises cortisol which kills testosterone levels.
How much exercise does he get?
Does he have any manly hobbies? like fishing, motorcycle riding, fixing up cars or motorcycles, anything that is creating something with your hands.
I know that sounds a little caveman for modern society but it is actually something that men need.
And I know from my own experience that completing a project such as getting an old car to run or building a motorcycle or even building a dog house or a chicken coop always got me in the mood for my wife.
 

1christian1

Active member
Sep 13, 2018
671
198
43
#43
Hello there....

I am just new to the forum but I really have been struggling with this and I feel so alone in this struggle....
I will try to keep this as fairly short as possible but it may be a little long. To start off, my husband and I have been married for about two years now. Before being married we had dated for 3 yrs. almost 4. My husband and I are fairly young we are both in our mid 20's and have no kids. We both work long hours and have tough commutes and jobs. I spend nearly 3.5 hours on average everyday commuting and my schedule is pretty much like 7AM - 8PM. I am not complaining at all though! God gives me patience and strength to preserve through this and I am doing what I love in my career. My husband says his work is very demanding too and he is constantly running around all day taking car of customers his schedule pretty much looks like 5:30 AM- 6PM.

I say that to give some context on what is going on but now I will explain the part that is literally so gut wrenching and painful.... the lack of desire and intimacy.....

When my husband and I were dating we had a lot of passion, we loved to be together, we may have at times been too physical but we saved sex for our wedding night. But the point is he could barely keep his hands off of me.... he loved to kiss, cuddle and hold me. He always wanted to kiss me and pursue me, he would tell all the time how he could barely even sleep because he was thinking about me and how much he wanted to be with me. We knew early on that we wanted to get married and when we became engaged and closer to our wedding day he would say things like how he couldn't wait til we got married and how much sex we would have like everyday.... you get the point it actually seemed like he genuinely desired and wanted me.

Flash forward to once we got married.... our wedding night was amazing and then things.... just seemed to change.... I can't recall for sure but we did have sex a couple times for our little get away (we did not actually have a honey moon until last year) and that was all good but once we got back home things were off. We were also planning to move so we were temporarily staying with my parents for like a week or something before driving out to the west coast. I would iniate sex and try to be intimate but he literally just straight up rejected me only after a few days of being married.... He said something like... we don't always have to have sex all the time, sometimes its just nice to cuddle... and continually said so. That first initial rejection absolutely crushed my heart but I tried to understand and maybe he wasn't comfortable having sex since we were living with my family at the time.... so I brushed that off. It really hurt though because I wanted to be intimate and close to him we HAD JUST GOT MARRIED and he was already turning me down, it just really hurt.

So once we moved to the west coast we were temporarily staying with his family but we had a much bigger room and more private space. I thought that he wouldn't keep rejecting me but.... lo and behold he did and would use the same excuse that he "likes variety" and likes to cuddle. or that he was too tired..... he basically like just stopped iniating sex with me and it was always me trying to be intimate with him. Most times he would respond but a lot of times he would reject me which ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED me and my self esteem. I was beginning to think I wasn't attractive enough to him anymore or that he didn't like me. When I confronted him about it he would say that he loves me very much and finds me very attractive but he doesn't want to have sex all the time... so months of this pattern went by.... He was getting better about not rejecting my advances but he still really did not iniate with me and would basically just seem disinterested in sex in general. Like it was on the back burner for him and not a priority. Even when we got our own apartment things were basically the same way. At this time his job was not even as demanding as it is now so his tired excuse seems like it doesn't hold up....

In the present.... things are better but still... he shows a lack of interest in intimacy and sex. He tells me he is just so tired and he can't sleep well but he loves me and finds me very attractive and I totally get he's tired and understand but he literally treats sex like a chore and it completely crushes my soul. We have even went to counseling because things were getting so bad with his attitude toward this and I was getting so sad, angry, and upset over the past years with our intimacy it was causing a huge rift in our marriage. It also really is actually a gut wrenching feeling when I lie down next to him every night and I feel so unwanted and undesired by him. I have cried my self to sleep many many many times. And I know that I am a beautiful girl but feeling unwanted by your husband really makes you question everything. The pain is so severe to me sometimes my heart feels so heavy and sad. I pray through this as best as I can but I don't know why I am going through this and what I did wrong..... All I really want is just to feel wanted and desired intimately by him.

We do have sex but I stepped back from iniating and let him lead things in the bedroom but it just falls flat.... if he had his way he only approaches me about 1-2 times a week (which may seem fine or like a lot for some people) but to me we have talked about at least 3-4 times a weeks and I mean we are still young and even just newly married. It just seems like he is disinterested in it... the last thing we do after everything else is done around the house is have sex.... it is consistently the last thing on his mind. Its like there is an alarm clock in his head to only be intimate after we lay down for bed. Not like right after work or mid day on weekend.... On the days when he does not want to be intimate he still "tries" for my sake which I appreciate but it is so obvious that he doesn't want to. He sighs..... his eyes are closed as he is dosing off..... he basically is forcing himself to stay awake and and that point I am not turned on at all so what is even the point we end up going to sleep because I know he doesn't want me in that moment.... And really that's what is so extremely hurtful to me is just the not feeling wanted or desired. I mean if he just showed he was interested in me or desired me I don't think we would have these issues.

Another thing is that even when we have sex the majority of the time I feel like I am doing majority of pleasing to him which I love to do but its the same thing every night. I turn him on really good and pleasure him but when it comes to me it falls flat.... He either doesn't touch me at all or barely touches me for two seconds and wants just jump into sex. He doesn't do certain things which I do for him... Like he doesn't reciprocate it and nor does it seems like he has a desire to please just me. He just said and done all these hurtful things leaves me crying all night..... and like truthfully doesn't care... doesn't show barely any interest or desire in sex and I am left wondering why..... He says its because he is really tired but even back when we got married he always had an excuse.... so the tired thing was not always an issue. He has gotten upset at me multiple times for buying lingerie because "we don't have money" or a "waste of money" even though we have enough to buy a few outfits... its' just ridiculous. He says he likes the outfits but doesn't want to spend the money... And I love to buy lingerie it makes me feel sexy and desirable but even that is not good enough for him I guess.... even though he has apologized for this its stlll like.... cmon I thought guys loved when their girl wear lingerie and loved to have sex...

I asked him to be honest with me and tell me the truth and last night he said the same freakin thing that he always says "Likes variety and likes to cuddle" Or is just too tired... I feel absolutely so sad and alone. My heart is just broken, and I am tried of feeling worthless by this. I pray for God to comfort me and show me what he wants to teach me in this time but I just can't see it.... My self esteem feels destroyed. My heart is literally broken and I feel so alone and rejected. I am so tired of the horrendous cycle and feeling so bad. Even after the counseling things were getting a lot better but once it ended he went back right to what he used to do. I am just so sad by this.... literally crying painful tears. I just don't know what to do as a christian wife and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

Even if you just pray for me I will appreciate that. I just wanted to share this story and see if anybody has any advice....

He is either cheating on you or he is gay sis... This is not a normal reaction from anyone in love or in lust...
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
6,448
2,216
113
#44
yeah maybe the woman's forum would have been better :cautious:

at any rate, the number of people jumping to contusions ... not misspelled... is the main reason I would never ever ask for any advice on any subject at any time in this forum

he's gay...he's cheating...he's transgender...low T is the only one that doesn't clobber the man over the head

I'm wondering if this isn't the thread someone else thought was inappropriate and wanted to know how to report it :unsure:

Demi you have some class and said nothing inappropriate

not that anyone gives a marsupials' pouch about it, but this is just plain awful to read and the op was brave to come back and say anything

the last word in some cases, should be I'm sorry I said that to you

now you can pm each other about me. yeah that goes on here too. :cautious:
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,507
1,430
113
Germany
#45
yeah maybe the woman's forum would have been better :cautious:

at any rate, the number of people jumping to contusions ... not misspelled... is the main reason I would never ever ask for any advice on any subject at any time in this forum

he's gay...he's cheating...he's transgender...low T is the only one that doesn't clobber the man over the head

I'm wondering if this isn't the thread someone else thought was inappropriate and wanted to know how to report it :unsure:

--Demi you have some class and said nothing inappropriate--

not that anyone gives a marsupials' pouch about it, but this is just plain awful to read and the op was brave to come back and say anything

the last word in some cases, should be I'm sorry I said that to you

now you can pm each other about me. yeah that goes on here too. :cautious:
I rarely get shocked but you truly surprised me a bit.
Thank you
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
6,448
2,216
113
#46
I rarely get shocked but you truly surprised me a bit.
Thank you
ha

you should know me in person

my husband is almost shock proof now

thank you...I think :unsure:

and you are welcome.

oh poo. quite honestly, I am so up to here with the experts who know all about everyone and everything and pull out a list of credentials that normal people trip over

the older I get (happens every day) the more I try to figure myself out and why I do what I do

life catches up with everyone
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,507
1,430
113
Germany
#47
ha

you should know me in person

my husband is almost shock proof now

thank you...I think :unsure:

and you are welcome.

oh poo. quite honestly, I am so up to here with the experts who know all about everyone and everything and pull out a list of credentials that normal people trip over

the older I get (happens every day) the more I try to figure myself out and why I do what I do

life catches up with everyone
Well usually I am shock proof too. U can be proud of yourself haha
I just like being realistic. I used to be quick to call men cheaters and stuff but when i stepped away from past and started seeing ppl individually i stopped being so quick unlesd theres really big red flags.
Im just glad that im not getting bashed more for it and getting more false accusations.
Like people sit on my shoulder day and night haha
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
6,448
2,216
113
#48
Well usually I am shock proof too. U can be proud of yourself haha
I just like being realistic. I used to be quick to call men cheaters and stuff but when i stepped away from past and started seeing ppl individually i stopped being so quick unlesd theres really big red flags.
Im just glad that im not getting bashed more for it and getting more false accusations.
Like people sit on my shoulder day and night haha
I agree. :)