Too nice?

[Bridget_Left_China]

I make this thread in honor of a quote retrieved from another thread. There might be a 100 threads like this, but I just don't care... I have to know!

A few gentlemen on another thread have said that girls have told them that they are fine, but too nice.
TOO NICE?? What does that even mean?

Is this how the conversation goes?
"Sorry fella, I would date you but you're just way too chivalrous for me." ???
"Hey, you're a great guy, but your politeness and concern for others just makes me want to gag." ????
"Well, I would date you, but you seem to care too much for my safety and well-being." ?????

Really? Do women really think like this?

I don't understand the whole not liking nice guys thing. I prefer nice guys. I shun the bad boys and actively SEEK OUT the nice guys. So do all the nice guys just want a bad girl? Is this why I keep coming up short?

Discuss.

 

[1still_waters]

I had a roommate in college, who couldn't get a date.
Women didn't give him the time of day.
Yet, he was EVERYTHING women claim they want.

Godly.
Respectful.
Nice.
and so forth.

I think there is a type of "nice guy" who fits the "mold" perfectly.
But the problem is that well...it's just a "mold".
A plastic mold of sorts.

With these guys there is a certain personality-less, rote-ness about them.

They do, say, practice, all the right things, but people/women sense a hollowness to them.

So when they say he's "too nice"..I think they mean there isn't a person there, just an empty mold that does all the right stuff.

 

[NukePooch]

From what I've seen, it's not necessarily as much of a nice-vs-bad boy/girl thing as it is a pushy/demanding-vs-low self esteem/indecisive issue.
Most of the guys/gals I know who have been labeled as 'too nice' have that all-annoying indecisive trait.
"Want to go out?"
"Okay."
"Where to?"
"I dunno, you?"
"Whatcha in the mood for?"
"Eh, whatever..."
"Italian?"
"I guess so..."
"Oh. What about Mexican?"
"Ehhh, okay.. ~sigh~"

You can be nice and still make decisions.

That's my take on the issue. Too pushy, you're a jerk, not confident enough, you're too nice.

 

[Bridget_Left_China]

So you're saying if I memorize a list of restaurants I can get a date? I'm on it!

 

[NukePooch]

So you're saying if I memorize a list of restaurants I can get a date? I'm on it!

I personally just carry an old-school phone book around in my car for each city I might possibly drive to. Not only can I 'let my fingers do the walking' in the restaurant section, but I can easily find the nearest ER when she ends up with E-Coli from the sketchy Chinese buffet the phone book listed for me. It's also nice to put a phone book on the seat if my date is really short so she can see over the dash. That's chivalry, right there.

Alternatively, I guess you could just have Siri pick something for you both, but then you might end up in a biker bar in the 'interesting' part of town. Siri can also then find you an attorney in case you want to press charges against 'Tiny' who took a bit of a dislike to you.

 

[Bridget_Left_China]

That sounds like the perfect date!

 

[Tintin]

I think in my case, when girls say I'm "too nice", they mean they're not interested in me because I do have a personality (admittedly, it's a bit outside the box) but I do have one. Not everyone gets my quirky personality. I've never tried to be anyone else though and I honestly mean it, so it's not that either. Hmm... girls are mysterious creatures.

 

[alienx7587]

I too used to be confused about this. I think it has to do with being a doormat vs. being assertive/objective. Not in the sense of actually initiating the date, but, for example, choosing when/where/and how (including transportation) the date was going to take place without coming across as "bossy" or arrogant.

I also think this can be used as an excuse for the person being asked on a date if the person doing the asking is introverted or "boring" compared to the others standards.

I have never heard of a girl being 'too nice'.

 

[Ritter]

Yeah, Alienx hit it on the head.

Let's think in threes shall we?

1. Arrogant. It's more attractive because it effuses confidence. Bad for long-run dating.

2. A Stu. That is the "nice" this is a byword for not interesting or arrogant.

3. A Steve. The man who is interesting...a Steve (quoting the Tao of Steve...awesome movie). He has an opinion. Takes playful games and tosses them out the window. He keeps an edge of sexuality though not so over that he is a cad.

Disclaimer: The fact that my name is Stephen is purely coincidental. The makers of the movie in which the "Stu" and "Steve" archetypes were described did not express any interest in using me as a template. It would be strange if they did as I was ten at the time.

 

[Tintin]

Ritter, could you please introduce your post more clearly? I'm struggling to understand you. Cheers.

 

[Nautilus]

Yeah, Alienx hit it on the head.

Let's think in threes shall we?

1. Arrogant. It's more attractive because it effuses confidence. Bad for long-run dating.

2. A Stu. That is the "nice" this is a byword for not interesting or arrogant.

3. A Steve. The man who is interesting...a Steve (quoting the Tao of Steve...awesome movie). He has an opinion. Takes playful games and tosses them out the window. He keeps an edge of sexuality though not so over that he is a cad.

Disclaimer: The fact that my name is Stephen is purely coincidental. The makers of the movie in which the "Stu" and "Steve" archetypes were described did not express any interest in using me as a template. It would be strange if they did as I was ten at the time.

With the names stu and steve all i thought of was American Dad...but nice to meet you

 

[Stuey]

Thanks Ritter....

Well ladies, I'm boring as a white wall!

 

[ChristianGuy0]

I think basically when a women describes her "perfect" man she doesn't mention all the details that also must come with the package..

So you ask a girl what her perfect man is, and she might say..

"Nice", "Sweet", "respectful", "Just be yourself" etc..

But while she's saying this, she's already pictured the guy to be a super handsome, very confident guy.

So the non-confident guy who is still wearing clothes his mama bought him implements the advice and becomes the nicest, sweetest and most respectful guy but it just doesn't work.

But if you are a guy who is confident (Not arrogant- there is a difference and confidence is the one you want lol) and physically attractive to the girl.. then it helps to be nice, sweet and respectful because you already have those core things that the girl also wants.

My tip for guys, is not to "be yourself", but "be your best self". Don't abandon making yourself look nice or building up confidence by talking to people. You need to have some basic social skills ( I did not even have basic social skills growing up), and you also need to have confidence so the girl knows you are someone who can lead a family and be a problem solver later in life.

I know that "being the nice guy" is famous for "not working" but I actually believe it can.

You can hold a door open for a girl, call her beautiful and even bring her flowers and still be attractive as long as you are confident in yourself and you have a genuine connection with the girl.

The mistake guys make is that you CAN'T do all things things as a way to "win" a girl's love... Doing nice things only works when you've already established some kind or relationship or connection.. If you do it before then, like the guy in the notebook does, you will just come across as mega creepy.

Here's an example of what NOT to do hahaha: (Okay I'm not sure how to get the youtube embedding to work, so here is a link to the video lol: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M526tFIaWcw&t=1m31s

Unfortunately, movies have brainwashed men into thinking that extreme acts of love toward women you don't even know is very romantic. Next time you watch a movie, notice how many acts considered "romantic" would actually be "ultra creepy" and/or "frightening" lol.

 

[djness]

From what I've seen, it's not necessarily as much of a nice-vs-bad boy/girl thing as it is a pushy/demanding-vs-low self esteem/indecisive issue.
Most of the guys/gals I know who have been labeled as 'too nice' have that all-annoying indecisive trait.
"Want to go out?"
"Okay."
"Where to?"
"I dunno, you?"
"Whatcha in the mood for?"
"Eh, whatever..."
"Italian?"
"I guess so..."
"Oh. What about Mexican?"
"Ehhh, okay.. ~sigh~"

You can be nice and still make decisions.

That's my take on the issue. Too pushy, you're a jerk, not confident enough, you're too nice.

Asking more then once what the other person wants to do bugs me, if you don't know then I am deciding for us.

 

[Tintin]

As I mentioned earlier, I'm not super confident but I'm not a doormat either. I wear my own clothes and have basic social skills. I don't enjoy large crowds but I'm not going to shy away from everyone. I do find it difficult to get to know people but if I click with them, it's all good. I dislike small talk but love a good discussion about meaningful things - faith, life in general, story. My uni days were interesting. I attended a Christian uni but always ended up attracted to the girls who were coupled, engaged or married. I never initiated anything then because they were out of bounds.

 

[Jullianna]

When I think of a guy being "too nice" for me, it doesn't mean that I prefer an ill-mannered barbarian. I means that I am a very fiery, opinionated, strong willed woman (yeah...I know you are all stunned ), and it is good for me to be with a guy who won't give into or agree with everything I say out of sheer politeness or because he thinks that is what will make me happy.

I respect a guy who is not afraid to:

- stick to his guns when he knows he is right without being a total jerk about it.

- give me a "That sounded a whole lot better in your head, didn't it?" look

- calmly go out and wax his car when I know I am wrong about something and make it very clear that I'm less than thrilled about it by childishly slamming kitchen cabinets as loudly as possible

 

[Bridget_Left_China]

I have never heard of a girl being 'too nice'.

I sometimes think I am too nice. I, unfortunately, tend to let people walk over me. Not totally to the doormat level of existence, but in a way that avoids conflict. I should stand up for myself more than I actually do. I put up with a lot of stuff to avoid drama/conflict. It tends to lean towards the ultra submissive, when I should probably be a little more guarded of my self-worth...if that makes any sense at all. Sigh.

 

[LightningClap0002]

- calmly go out and wax his car when I know I am wrong about something and make it very clear that I'm less than thrilled about it by childishly slamming kitchen cabinets as loudly as possible

Haha, romanticizing your anger?

 

[Jullianna]

Haha, romanticizing your anger?

LOL! Not really. Actually happened. When I was finished in the kitchen, I walked back into the livingroom and realized that he wasn't even in the house. I felt really stupid and started laughing. I'm thinking that was his plan. There are times when letting someone "stew in their own juices" (as my Daddy used to say) is a wise maneuver.

 

[PopClick]

Some people might be surprised by this o), but sometimes I let things go too easily. I've had to come back to stuff later, after I realized that I couldn't let someone get away with what they said to me or think that what they did was okay. <--- THAT kind of being "too nice" is really the opposite of nice. It sometimes robs the other person of a legitimate growth opportunity.

And sometimes I do the opposite, not letting something slide when I should. I'm seriously working on knowing when to do what.