Too nice?

[rauleetoe]

I make this thread in honor of a quote retrieved from another thread. There might be a 100 threads like this, but I just don't care... I have to know!

A few gentlemen on another thread have said that girls have told them that they are fine, but too nice.
TOO NICE?? What does that even mean?

Is this how the conversation goes?
"Sorry fella, I would date you but you're just way too chivalrous for me." ???
"Hey, you're a great guy, but your politeness and concern for others just makes me want to gag." ????
"Well, I would date you, but you seem to care too much for my safety and well-being." ?????

Really? Do women really think like this?

I don't understand the whole not liking nice guys thing. I prefer nice guys. I shun the bad boys and actively SEEK OUT the nice guys. So do all the nice guys just want a bad girl? Is this why I keep coming up short?

Discuss.

uh..yeah..they do..even the christian ones.
Not that they do not like like Nice guys..they just see the ones that are overly nice as weak..without opinons..lacking assertiveness..etc..which is not even true all the time but yea.
Had this happen the other day..was a total gent w a gal i met, we had coffee..i opened the door, we had a nice conversation...even bought her coffee..we were supposed to hang out again..about a week later i get the text..
Im sorry i have not replied, i just have been realizing that i am not feeling anything for you, there is no spark and I did not want to lead you on..we can be friends though!

*I knew i should have not bought her coffee..or gotten the door so quickly.
Sometimes its good to go all out..but often, if its too much too soon..you run the risk of seeming too eager..or being a weakling..of not being a real man.

*points to no more christian nice guy book.what i have read of this book..wow..its true.

 

[rauleetoe]

I think in my case, when girls say I'm "too nice", they mean they're not interested in me because I do have a personality (admittedly, it's a bit outside the box) but I do have one. Not everyone gets my quirky personality. I've never tried to be anyone else though and I honestly mean it, so it's not that either. Hmm... girls are mysterious creatures.

Yea recently I went on a date with the cutest gal in a while..It seemed so great..but once she realized how much of a theological nerd i am, and opposing theologies(her church is presbyterian, i go to a wesleyan church) She told me days later,after she said she definitely wanted to hang out again that she was not feeling anything for me..
yea, thanks a lot christianmingle!

 

[agirlandherguitar]

I think many people confusing the "nice guy" label with the "cowardly guy who give up long ago and won't bother fighting for you" label.

By all means there is no problem with being a nice guy but in this case it is an umbrella term that describes the man I mentioned above. I personally don't want to feel like I wear the pants in the relationship. I want the man in my life to be an adventurous fighter who takes control and shows me his strength and his strength must mirror God in the way that He fights for us and loves us fiercely. The "nice guy" is a slave to fear. He does not fight, he does not try at all and he feels he has little strength to offer his woman, which is not mirroring the strength of our Lord. It is believed by some that this was Adam's sin. When Eve ate the fruit he was standing right next to her and he did nothing to stop it from happening even though he knew full well God's instructions. Adam wanted to please Eve more than he wanted to please God and he was afraid to lose her so he let his wife sin and so sinned himself. Does that sound like the kind of man a woman wants/needs? In that regard Adam was a "nice guy".

 

[agirlandherguitar]

uh..yeah..they do..even the christian ones.
Not that they do not like like Nice guys..they just see the ones that are overly nice as weak..without opinons..lacking assertiveness..etc..which is not even true all the time but yea.
Had this happen the other day..was a total gent w a gal i met, we had coffee..i opened the door, we had a nice conversation...even bought her coffee..we were supposed to hang out again..about a week later i get the text..
Im sorry i have not replied, i just have been realizing that i am not feeling anything for you, there is no spark and I did not want to lead you on..we can be friends though!

*I knew i should have not bought her coffee..or gotten the door so quickly.
Sometimes its good to go all out..but often, if its too much too soon..you run the risk of seeming too eager..or being a weakling..of not being a real man.

*points to no more christian nice guy book.what i have read of this book..wow..its true.

Aw, you're NOT a weakling by being sweet and opening a door and buying a girl coffee. The girl was just not feelin' it... and it happens! The same way I'm sure a girl liked you and you just didn't feel it. The "feeling it" part isn't always there even when you really, really want it to be. I once dated a great Christian guy and he pulled out all the stops for me (like buying me dinner even though I wanted to go dutch) but, for lack of a better term, I just didn't "feel it" for him. He is engaged to a lovely girl now so I guess it was what was best for him!

I understand that a man wants to impress his lady but the lady is a curious creature. Admittedly we are hard to read and accept generous offers from men we aren't attracted to because we don't want to come off as rude (this is true 90% of the time. The 10% are doing it to use you to feel good about themselves). We are a motherly sort and we hate, HATE being mean! So we awkwardly and reluctantly accept your generous offers and endure your attempts to woo us but in the end if it doesn't feel right we have to cut you off. You feel stupid for trying so hard and we feel horrible for making you feel stupid. Honestly most of the time women are confused, self conscious and very insecure individuals and we often go along with things for the sake of the other person. That method is not a good method and maybe the best thing is to just say "no" right away but because we are unsure of ourselves we can't always make quick decisions and need to give you guys the benefit of the doubt. I wish I could apologize on behalf of all the women out there who have falsely led a man on but I can't. I am but one woman who is still trying to figure out who she is and how I can not be the "nice girl".

 

[NukePooch]

*I knew i should have not bought her coffee..or gotten the door so quickly.
Sometimes its good to go all out..but often, if its too much too soon..you run the risk of seeming too eager..or being a weakling..of not being a real man.

*points to no more christian nice guy book.what i have read of this book..wow..its true.

Bottom line, you just gotta be yourself. Lay off the second guessing thing, and for heaven's sake, don't try to figure out what women are thinking.
Just become the man that God wants you to be, and the worthy women will like it.

 

[NukePooch]

Aw, you're NOT a weakling by being sweet and opening a door and buying a girl coffee. The girl was just not feelin' it... and it happens! The same way I'm sure a girl liked you and you just didn't feel it. The "feeling it" part isn't always there even when you really, really want it to be. I once dated a great Christian guy and he pulled out all the stops for me (like buying me dinner even though I wanted to go dutch) but, for lack of a better term, I just didn't "feel it" for him. He is engaged to a lovely girl now so I guess it was what was best for him!

I understand that a man wants to impress his lady but the lady is a curious creature. Admittedly we are hard to read and accept generous offers from men we aren't attracted to because we don't want to come off as rude (this is true 90% of the time. The 10% are doing it to use you to feel good about themselves). We are a motherly sort and we hate, HATE being mean! So we awkwardly and reluctantly accept your generous offers and endure your attempts to woo us but in the end if it doesn't feel right we have to cut you off. You feel stupid for trying so hard and we feel horrible for making you feel stupid. Honestly most of the time women are confused, self conscious and very insecure individuals and we often go along with things for the sake of the other person. That method is not a good method and maybe the best thing is to just say "no" right away but because we are unsure of ourselves we can't always make quick decisions and need to give you guys the benefit of the doubt. I wish I could apologize on behalf of all the women out there who have falsely led a man on but I can't. I am but one woman who is still trying to figure out who she is and how I can not be the "nice girl".

Yeah, what she said.

(and, by the way, I love the 'Jane' avatar. So much sarcasm in one little show...)

 

[dliz]

I've seen some nice girls go for the bad guys way too many times and ended up getting brokenhearted. Makes you wish you could shakes their heads and tell them to go find a nice guy. O.O

 

[GRA]

I prefer nice guys. I shun the bad boys and actively SEEK OUT the nice guys.

"You are one in a million, Bridget!"

So do all the nice guys just want a bad girl?

No. The "truly nice guys" want a "truly nice girl"; otherwise, they "just don't get it"...

Is this why I keep coming up short?

No - it is because I am taller than you.

(To Be Continued...)



.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I've come across a few types of "Nice Guys" whom I avoid just as much as the Pretty, Bad Boys.

For example:

1. The Bitter Nice Guy: this is the one who declares, "Oh whoa is me, why can't I find a date, all women want are bad boys and I'm such a nice guy!! When are women ever going to wake up and see what a nice guy I am!! Someone as nice as me just doesn't have a chance because women are so blindly, stupidly attracted to bad boys and they totally pass over a nice guy like me!!" He might think he's a nice guy, but I'd never know from all the bitter resentment pouring out of his heart and I am personally afraid to talk to anyone who's bitter over so many people who are not me.

2. The Nice Guy Who Wants Everyone to Know Just How Nice He Is: when he does something nice, he makes sure everyone knows about it, and takes special care to make sure his good deeds are very public and sometimes, very dramatic. It makes you wonder what he cares more about--actually being nice or being KNOWN for being nice. These first two categories are JUST AS BAD as the so-called Bad Boys because it all boils down to narcissism. A guy who's basically saying, "Look At Me and What a Nice Guy I Am" is, to me, as bad as the guy who tells you how good-looking or talented or Biblical he is and why women should fall at his feet because of it.

3. The Nice Guy Who is Desperate For Any Woman to Pay Attention to Him: sure, he's nice to you. He does nice things for you. But he also does nice things for every other single girl around and it's only a matter of who responds to him first in a positive manner because he Really, Really Wants a Girlfriend. He has several baited hooks on the line because he doesn't know which girl might be the lucky one to respond first and therefore, be his automatic girlfriend. Women don't want to feel as if a guy will choose just anyone to be his girlfriend and she happens to be a girl and single so that makes her an immediate candidate.

NOW OF COURSE IT GOES BOTH WAYS, MANY NICE GIRLS CAN BE THE SAME WAY.

I am often told I'm "sweet" but that translates as "boring." I am told men want a challenge?

I'll tell you what I DO like in a nice guy tho--we were at a shopping center with several restaurants to choose from and the guy asked me where I wanted to eat. Well, I already knew one place had caught his eye in particular but he was trying to be polite in letting me choose. I said with a smile, "You know, let's go back to that place you were looking at... It's ok to tell me you're interested in something and would like to go there," and his choice turned out to be a great spot. I really didn't care where we went, I just enjoyed being around him.

When I meet someone who is obviously trying his best... is humble and yet considerate at the same time, I try to make it easy for him by letting him know what I'm thinking (I don't believe in making someone guess what's on your mind) and telling him that his input is just as important as mine.

And, greatly appreciated.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I've come across a few types of "Nice Guys" whom I avoid just as much as the Pretty, Bad Boys.

For example:

1. The Bitter Nice Guy: this is the one who declares, "Oh whoa is me, why can't I find a date, all women want are bad boys and I'm such a nice guy!! When are women ever going to wake up and see what a nice guy I am!! Someone as nice as me just doesn't have a chance because women are so blindly, stupidly attracted to bad boys and they totally pass over a nice guy like me!!" He might think he's a nice guy, but I'd never know from all the bitter resentment pouring out of his heart and I am personally afraid to talk to anyone who's bitter over so many people who are not me.

2. The Nice Guy Who Wants Everyone to Know Just How Nice He Is: when he does something nice, he makes sure everyone knows about it, and takes special care to make sure his good deeds are very public and sometimes, very dramatic. It makes you wonder what he cares more about--actually being nice or being KNOWN for being nice. These first two categories are JUST AS BAD as the so-called Bad Boys because it all boils down to narcissism. A guy who's basically saying, "Look At Me and What a Nice Guy I Am" is, to me, as bad as the guy who tells you how good-looking or talented or Biblical he is and why women should fall at his feet because of it.

3. The Nice Guy Who is Desperate For Any Woman to Pay Attention to Him: sure, he's nice to you. He does nice things for you. But he also does nice things for every other single girl around and it's only a matter of who responds to him first in a positive manner because he Really, Really Wants a Girlfriend. He has several baited hooks on the line because he doesn't know which girl might be the lucky one to respond first and therefore, be his automatic girlfriend. Women don't want to feel as if a guy will choose just anyone to be his girlfriend and she happens to be a girl and single so that makes her an immediate candidate.

NOW OF COURSE IT GOES BOTH WAYS, MANY NICE GIRLS CAN BE THE SAME WAY.

I am often told I'm "sweet" but that translates as "boring." I am told men want a challenge?

I'll tell you what I DO like in a nice guy tho--we were at a shopping center with several restaurants to choose from and the guy asked me where I wanted to eat. Well, I already knew one place had caught his eye in particular but he was trying to be polite in letting me choose. I said with a smile, "You know, let's go back to that place you were looking at... It's ok to tell me you're interested in something and would like to go there," and his choice turned out to be a great spot. I really didn't care where we went, I just enjoyed being around him.

When I meet someone who is obviously trying his best... is humble and yet considerate at the same time, I try to make it easy for him by letting him know what I'm thinking (I don't believe in making someone guess what's on your mind) and telling him that his input is just as important as mine.

And, greatly appreciated.

Preach it, Kim!!!!!!

 

[Descyple]

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I've come across a few types of "Nice Guys" whom I avoid just as much as the Pretty, Bad Boys.

For example:

The Nice Guy Who is Desperate For Any Woman to Pay Attention to Him

Are you talking about me again, Seoulsearch???

By the way, I am not posting this to get attention from Seoulsearch??? Really, I'm not!!!

(Descyple then leans back in his computer chair with his Spider-Man blankie and carton of malt-balls and decides to wait all night to see if Seoulsearch pays attention to him).

 

[seoulsearch]

Are you talking about me again, Seoulsearch???

By the way, I am not posting this to get attention from Seoulsearch??? Really, I'm not!!!

(Descyple then leans back in his computer chair with his Spider-Man blankie and carton of malt-balls and decides to wait all night to see if Seoulsearch pays attention to him).

Now here we have an example of the absolute WORST kind of heartbreaker: Descyple is a Very Pretty Bad Boy Wanna Be Who Tells You How Pretty He Is But Is Also Extremely Nice.

OOOOHHHH, MY POOR BROKEN HEART DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE!!!!

(His nice-guy side will say, "Here, have some malted milk balls," but his bad-boy side will say, "No way, go get your own." His nice-guy side will say, "Here, you look cold... take my blankie..." but his pretty, bad-boy side will say, "Only one of us looks GOOD in this blanket, and sorry honey, it ain't you!")

 

[Descyple]

Now here we have an example of the absolute WORST kind of heartbreaker: Descyple is a Very Pretty Bad Boy Wanna Be Who Tells You How Pretty He Is But Is Also Extremely Nice.

OOOOHHHH, MY POOR BROKEN HEART DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE!!!!

(His nice-guy side will say, "Here, have some malted milk balls," but his bad-boy side will say, "No way, go get your own." His nice-guy side will say, "Here, you look cold... take my blankie..." but his pretty, bad-boy side will say, "Only one of us looks GOOD in this blanket, and sorry honey, it ain't you!")

Woo Hoo!!! It worked, she is paying attention to me! Oh wait, what I mean to say is...................... Hey Seoulsearch, wazzup???

On a side note - I don't let ANYONE use my Spidey blankie, however I do have a Dora blankie you can use (don't ask why I have it, just take it - lol).

 

[NukePooch]

Woo Hoo!!! It worked, she is paying attention to me! Oh wait, what I mean to say is...................... Hey Seoulsearch, wazzup???

On a side note - I don't let ANYONE use my Spidey blankie, however I do have a Dora blankie you can use (don't ask why I have it, just take it - lol).

Did anyone else's creep-o-meter just go through the roof?

Please tell me you don't have a windowless cargo van...

 

[Precious_Sunflower]

And sometimes I do the opposite, not letting something slide when I should. I'm seriously working on knowing when to do what.

And this is something we keep on learning how to handle mostly every day. Then when we might manage how to with one thing, then another thing comes up where it is needed to be worked on as well.

 

[Descyple]

Did anyone else's creep-o-meter just go through the roof?

Please tell me you don't have a windowless cargo van...

Wow, I got attention from both a woman and a man with my post!!! This is more than I expected (okay, even "MY" creep-o-meter just went through the roof!!!).

And no, Nukepooch, I don't own a windowless cargo van! But just out of curiosity, do you know where I could get one for a cheap price???

 

[Precious_Sunflower]

I don't think I've ever called anyone "too nice", but I could think of a few reasons why I might use the phrase. "Too nice" might mean that they are just super happy-go-lucky all the time. Yeah, it's great that you are so positive, really it is, but I also want to know that you can show other emotions. I'm an emotional person so if I was down and a "too nice" guy told me "Cheer up cupcake, the sun is shining and the day is bright and everything is rainbows and puppies! Just look for the good things!", I think I'd be a bit irritated. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep type of thing. Not that I want a guy to be depressed, or have a temper, but I just want him to be REAL. I have no idea if that made sense.

At the same time, I think a lot of people think that being confident means you must be loud and always speaking your mind and over-assertive. Not true. Just because I like to hang back or I'm quieter doesn't mean I'm not confident.

I had once such a guy friend that you are describing up there. If I was feeling very sad he would mostly tell me to cheer up and I always thought as he was ignoring my real emotions, so I felt real upset with him at times. It is nice when people can also be there for you when you are down. It helps when someone shows understanding for you too, when life isn't as brightest for you one day.

I actually think it is very rare finding friends that are this way in general too. I have seen how easy it is for many being there for and with you when life is going great for you, and once you are having a really tough time they somewhat do not want to have anything with it to do. I once got more angry comments as well as an angry prayer to God about a tough time in my life, so being with these friends put me more down than feeling more uplifted.

Of course, not everyone can understand what we are going through. But even though you have never been through the same as your friends, you can still try your best being a good friend for them. Or if you do not have anything nice to say, better being silent than to open up your mouth and hurt someone else.

 

[NukePooch]

Wow, I got attention from both a woman and a man with my post!!! This is more than I expected (okay, even "MY" creep-o-meter just went through the roof!!!).

And no, Nukepooch, I don't own a windowless cargo van! But just out of curiosity, do you know where I could get one for a cheap price???

I heard this one's for sale...It's a classic!

 

[Tintin]

Precious_Sunflower, I understand what you're saying but you must also understand that men love to fix things. If you're sad, they want to cheer you up. Joining you in that sadness and comforting you through it all is worthwhile but a foreign concept to most of us. We don't like to see people upset, especially girls eg. Guy: "How are you going?" "Are you okay?" Girl: (clearly distraught) "Yeah, I'm fine". Then we're at a loss what to do - if we inquire further, we're seen as nosy, if we do nothing, we're chastised for not caring. It's a very uncomfortable and confusing position for guys to be in. So I totally identify with you that guys need to learn to not always fix things but I also realise how difficult it is for us to do.

 

[Precious_Sunflower]

TinTin: Well, that friend was often very "over-optimistic" though

The other friends I was talking about were female friends that never really understood that when I had a real tough time, I needed their support a lot. I am happy I had another female friend that did understand what I went through at those times life was very tough and that acted as a true friend towards me.

But yeah, perhaps the one guy I thought was over optimistic did only wanted to help fixing things, and to focusing on what is positive. Can sure makes sense. Although at those times I was having a difficult time, it was important for me just getting any form of support or understanding, even just getting a sentence saying; "I am sorry you are having such a hard time now", this would at least make me feel as he cared for me as a friend.