Advice from the married to the singles.

[mellowED]

When I said my vows, I meant every word I said.--Good times- bad times,sickness and health till death do you part.
After 17 years and 2 children later, Its not much you can do when your mate says I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. Then leaves you to be with someone else. You think you know how every things going to turn out, but only God knows. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. The joy of the Lord shall be my strength.

 

[shrimp]

Divorce.

My words are Not going to be popular around here or anywhere now a days. That is alright. I'll be dismissed because I am young and my marriage is young, fine.

However, I should tell you that I have experienced the butt end of divorce and I know many people (related to most of them) who have gone through it. I also know a few that are in a constant state of divorce (not legally but the attitude is the same). I also have known quite a few successful marriages (again, related to a few) lasting 40 years and on. Do I think I am the "love and marriage guru"? no. But I firmly believe my words because they are the words of the tested and tried, the experienced.

I appreciate your stories and I understand the pain. No, not everyone who goes through a divorce is bad or evil. That is not the object of my post.

Now, I will say this as an overall statement and go into it:

Hardness of heart is the real cause for divorce.

All of the divorce testaments have this in common. Someone had a hard heart. What is a hard heart? Some would say cold. Translation: unforgiving, unloving, unmerciful, untrusting
Sound familiar?
An example:
In the case of adultery (because that seems to be the most popular excuse "but Jesus said it was ok"). let's say the woman (and I flipped a coin for the gender roles so there can be no discrimination. both males and females do it) committed adultery, already we have a hard heart, toward the man and apparently toward God. Now, she can soften her heart and ask for repentance from both God and the husband and stop sinning or she can make it harder and continue regardless of who it hurts. Phase two of the scenario, when the Husband finds out, either directly from her mouth or stumbling upon it or whatever, He has a decision to make as well. He can play dumb and act like nothing happened(which just hurts people, don't do it), he can address the issue with a forgiving and merciful heart and attempt to help her rebuilt her relationship with himself and God(soft), or he can divorce the sorry sod and "be done with it."(hard)

It just keeps going from there.

In the case that the woman up and leaves, for whatever reason, she has a hard heart and doesn't want to deal with it. There really is nothing the husband can do but pray for her to get her heart right. Should he remarry? no, not until she dies. Sorry, it is biblical. (Praying that she dies is not ok either, I checked)

Why do I believe divorce should not be in a young couples vocabulary? because that is what the devil wants is for there to be dysfunctional families! Believe it or not, your relationship with your spouse affects your relationship with God and vice versa. If there are kids involved, you are affecting their relationships as well! Ultimately, it may affect someone's opinion and feelings towards God. If it's negative there will be consequences.

In conclusion:

Problems can be fixed, but ONLY if both are willing. Change only happens with yourself, you can never change your spouse, your friends, your kid(s), anybody.

I now leave you with my qualifications for speaking on this topic:
My parents got divorced when I was 1.
My mother got divorced again when I was between the ages of 6-7
My Grandparents on my father's side divorced when my dad was young, but I had the privilege of listening to the story over and over and over. -_-
I have a Great aunt who got divorced just a few years ago
The vast majority of my aunts and uncles have gotten divorced at least once
On the flip side, My great grandparents (that I had the honor of being around) were married almost 76 years before my nana died.
My maternal grandparents have been married around 40 years
the same with my pastor and his wife
And finally my husband and I go to marriage counseling almost every wednesday

 

[shrimp]

I apologize to those who hate long posts. I have a kitten alternative:

 

[Fenner]

Divorce.

My words are Not going to be popular around here or anywhere now a days. That is alright. I'll be dismissed because I am young and my marriage is young, fine.

However, I should tell you that I have experienced the butt end of divorce and I know many people (related to most of them) who have gone through it. I also know a few that are in a constant state of divorce (not legally but the attitude is the same). I also have known quite a few successful marriages (again, related to a few) lasting 40 years and on. Do I think I am the "love and marriage guru"? no. But I firmly believe my words because they are the words of the tested and tried, the experienced.

I appreciate your stories and I understand the pain. No, not everyone who goes through a divorce is bad or evil. That is not the object of my post.

Now, I will say this as an overall statement and go into it:

Hardness of heart is the real cause for divorce.

All of the divorce testaments have this in common. Someone had a hard heart. What is a hard heart? Some would say cold. Translation: unforgiving, unloving, unmerciful, untrusting
Sound familiar?
An example:
In the case of adultery (because that seems to be the most popular excuse "but Jesus said it was ok"). let's say the woman (and I flipped a coin for the gender roles so there can be no discrimination. both males and females do it) committed adultery, already we have a hard heart, toward the man and apparently toward God. Now, she can soften her heart and ask for repentance from both God and the husband and stop sinning or she can make it harder and continue regardless of who it hurts. Phase two of the scenario, when the Husband finds out, either directly from her mouth or stumbling upon it or whatever, He has a decision to make as well. He can play dumb and act like nothing happened(which just hurts people, don't do it), he can address the issue with a forgiving and merciful heart and attempt to help her rebuilt her relationship with himself and God(soft), or he can divorce the sorry sod and "be done with it."(hard)

It just keeps going from there.

In the case that the woman up and leaves, for whatever reason, she has a hard heart and doesn't want to deal with it. There really is nothing the husband can do but pray for her to get her heart right. Should he remarry? no, not until she dies. Sorry, it is biblical. (Praying that she dies is not ok either, I checked)

Why do I believe divorce should not be in a young couples vocabulary? because that is what the devil wants is for there to be dysfunctional families! Believe it or not, your relationship with your spouse affects your relationship with God and vice versa. If there are kids involved, you are affecting their relationships as well! Ultimately, it may affect someone's opinion and feelings towards God. If it's negative there will be consequences.

In conclusion:

Problems can be fixed, but ONLY if both are willing. Change only happens with yourself, you can never change your spouse, your friends, your kid(s), anybody.

I now leave you with my qualifications for speaking on this topic:
My parents got divorced when I was 1.
My mother got divorced again when I was between the ages of 6-7
My Grandparents on my father's side divorced when my dad was young, but I had the privilege of listening to the story over and over and over. -_-
I have a Great aunt who got divorced just a few years ago
The vast majority of my aunts and uncles have gotten divorced at least once
On the flip side, My great grandparents (that I had the honor of being around) were married almost 76 years before my nana died.
My maternal grandparents have been married around 40 years
the same with my pastor and his wife
And finally my husband and I go to marriage counseling almost every wednesday

I don't think your words will be unpopular around here Shrimp and it doesn't matter that your young and your marriage is young. You have life experience with it. You know how divorce affected you when you were a child and I know your experience has probably helped others.

My parent's didn't get divorced, my Mom was widowed young at 48. She didn't remarry until I was 37 years old, so I never lived with a step parent or anything. Both of my Sister's have divorced and remarried. My Grandmother was divorced, I never met my Grandfather because he lived in Sweden. I have some experience helping others while they're divorcing.

I don't want to get divorced. I pray it never happens to me. I read in a book once this analogy of life that I liked. It's like standing on Ice, it can be solid one day and another day crack and you fall through. I liked that analogy because life does work like that sometimes. Everything can be going great, then crack, you get in a car wreck and you get injured. I'll use my own life as an example. One day things were going as usual, except my daughter wasn't feeling. It was the first day of spring, nice sunny day. I had to pick my son up, I threw on my Crocks and carried my daughter out the door, walked down the steps and slip on little piece of ice. Luckily my Mom and Step Dad had just pulled up. I couldn't walk on my left foot. I hopped to my car, called my husband, picked up my son from school, had husband meet me at urgent care. I broke my ankle. My husband had to take time off work, I had to have surgery and what was a perfectly normal day, turned out to be not the norm.

That's not a divorce, but it just shows how unexpected things can happen quickly. I'm not saying either one of us will get divorced, I hope not. Actually I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say, lol. Expect the unexpected. I don't know, sorry.

 

[just_monicat]

yeah, i find it creepy too, but then, i'm a christian. i'm constantly amazed by how blase many non christians are about wearing "satan-memorabilia" but too many people are either in denial of or unaware of the statement they are making. when i go shopping at department stores, i often see t shirts and clothing in lots of designer labels with anti-christian embellishment as if it was totally cool and benign.

that said, i am not sure if you made the statement as hyperbole or in seriousness, but i personally don't assume anyone's religious affiliation based upon a t shirt. honestly, there's just as much of a chance that this guy's stylist put this together and he showed up and put it on without much of a glance at what he was wearing. of course you couldn't pay me enough to wear that thing, but if he doesn't have a relationship with God, what Holy Spirit would convict him of such a choice?

Thanks for blowing that up and making it more clear.

 

[shrimp]

Not too many things that I say are overly serious. When I am I almost use an angry tone and it scares people away.- Working on it.
But I just noticed it because I like tee shirt writing and pictures. it makes people like walking billboards and I can't help but look! I was trying to be a little silly. but I don't get mad at other people for not understanding what I say because, generally speaking, I am not understandable.

No worries.

 

[mellowED]

Don't get me wrong, shrimp. I wasn't trying to discourage anyone from a one time-life long marriage.
I was just telling my story. God bless you and yours. I wish you two the best in the world that God has to offer.

 

[shrimp]

I don't think your words will be unpopular around here Shrimp and it doesn't matter that your young and your marriage is young. You have life experience with it. You know how divorce affected you when you were a child and I know your experience has probably helped others.

My parent's didn't get divorced, my Mom was widowed young at 48. She didn't remarry until I was 37 years old, so I never lived with a step parent or anything. Both of my Sister's have divorced and remarried. My Grandmother was divorced, I never met my Grandfather because he lived in Sweden. I have some experience helping others while they're divorcing.

I don't want to get divorced. I pray it never happens to me. I read in a book once this analogy of life that I liked. It's like standing on Ice, it can be solid one day and another day crack and you fall through. I liked that analogy because life does work like that sometimes. Everything can be going great, then crack, you get in a car wreck and you get injured. I'll use my own life as an example. One day things were going as usual, except my daughter wasn't feeling. It was the first day of spring, nice sunny day. I had to pick my son up, I threw on my Crocks and carried my daughter out the door, walked down the steps and slip on little piece of ice. Luckily my Mom and Step Dad had just pulled up. I couldn't walk on my left foot. I hopped to my car, called my husband, picked up my son from school, had husband meet me at urgent care. I broke my ankle. My husband had to take time off work, I had to have surgery and what was a perfectly normal day, turned out to be not the norm.

That's not a divorce, but it just shows how unexpected things can happen quickly. I'm not saying either one of us will get divorced, I hope not. Actually I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say, lol. Expect the unexpected. I don't know, sorry.

Don't be sorry!
It is good to share things! I understand what you are trying to say: that divorce is unexpected at times.
It is. but that is because: Who can know the heart of a man?
The best way to avoid divorce is to keep things right with God and have an open line of communication with your spouse at all times. If you get blindsided it is not your fault, tell it to Jesus.

Communication that's a great next topic. let's keep things rolling. Any body can pipe in! If not, why am I here?

 

[shrimp]

Don't get me wrong, shrimp. I wasn't trying to discourage anyone from a one time-life long marriage.
I was just telling my story. God bless you and yours. I wish you two the best in the world that God has to offer.

Of course you weren't. It just seemed to me after reading others posts that maybe I wasn't clear.
Thank you. I pray and hope for the best for you.

 

[DuchessAimee]

I am a product of divorce. My parents divorced when I was around 2 (my first memory is of my father leaving), and my mother remarried when I was around 19. In both cases the men were cheaters, and in both cases they left the marriage. So she divorced both of them. And rightfully so.


Yes, there are biblical reasons for divorce. Very good reasons, actually. Your family history with divorce proves nothing except you're familiar with the concept and consequences. Everyone has divorce in their family somewhere... some will have biblical grounds and some may not. Your "hardness of heart" is not a reason for cheating or leaving. You aren't looking at the act of divorce through neutral or spiritual eyes. You're looking at it through the lens of your past. There is obviously quite a bit of hurt still there, which is absolutely normal, it's even expected. However, you should be very careful in who you judge or condemn because they've been divorced for ANY reason.


I would encourage you to do an in depth study of marriage and divorce. Yes, I know you've looked up scriptures, but you've missed the boat on one of them. If the party of the first part is left by the party of the second part, you are to let them ago. And you are also allowed to remarry because the unbeliever (or sometimes it is a believer) left. Do Christians divorce because of completely stupid and childish reasons? Absolutely! And do they get to remarry under biblical principles? Most likely no. However, their remarriage isn't between you and them or me and them... it's between God and them.


With all due respect, you're a noob. You and your marriage are quite young. Now, that doesn't mean you don't have a valid opinion about marriage and divorce, but at the same time, you haven't been through enough to offer a definitive "This is how it works in all marriages" stance. Until you've been there, you can't say what you'd do. Until you've found your husband in bed with another, you can't tell me you'd stay married. Be careful in what you say, and be careful in what you do.





You never know when something will come back and bite you.

 

[shrimp]

I am a product of divorce. My parents divorced when I was around 2 (my first memory is of my father leaving), and my mother remarried when I was around 19. In both cases the men were cheaters, and in both cases they left the marriage. So she divorced both of them. And rightfully so.


Yes, there are biblical reasons for divorce. Very good reasons, actually. Your family history with divorce proves nothing except you're familiar with the concept and consequences. Everyone has divorce in their family somewhere... some will have biblical grounds and some may not. Your "hardness of heart" is not a reason for cheating or leaving. You aren't looking at the act of divorce through neutral or spiritual eyes. You're looking at it through the lens of your past. There is obviously quite a bit of hurt still there, which is absolutely normal, it's even expected. However, you should be very careful in who you judge or condemn because they've been divorced for ANY reason.


I would encourage you to do an in depth study of marriage and divorce. Yes, I know you've looked up scriptures, but you've missed the boat on one of them. If the party of the first part is left by the party of the second part, you are to let them ago. And you are also allowed to remarry because the unbeliever (or sometimes it is a believer) left. Do Christians divorce because of completely stupid and childish reasons? Absolutely! And do they get to remarry under biblical principles? Most likely no. However, their remarriage isn't between you and them or me and them... it's between God and them.


With all due respect, you're a noob. You and your marriage are quite young. Now, that doesn't mean you don't have a valid opinion about marriage and divorce, but at the same time, you haven't been through enough to offer a definitive "This is how it works in all marriages" stance. Until you've been there, you can't say what you'd do. Until you've found your husband in bed with another, you can't tell me you'd stay married. Be careful in what you say, and be careful in what you do.





You never know when something will come back and bite you.

I'm sorry. Did I step on your toes?

 

[DuchessAimee]

I'm sorry. Did I step on your toes?

No, but you've stepped on the toes of others. And I've heard young marrieds say things like this before... then comforted them when their spouse left or cheated on them. I know what it's like to be chronically cheated on, and all I'm saying is that you (or anyone else) can't say "this is what I'd do" until you're in that situation.



You just need to be careful. If your marriage lasts 50 years, praise God! But the bible says to be careful that you don't get so prideful that you end up falling. You need to be careful.

 

[shrimp]

Well, I appreciate that you trying to "protect other's feelings" by trying to discredit what I write and say that I am an emotional basket case when it comes to divorce. Thank you. It was astounding that you yourself didn't seem overly angry at it either.

Now, back to reality. Everything you stated in post #30 supports My very firm beliefs on divorce. Every married couple that has been together 40+ years, that I have talked to, say that divorce was NEVER an option (although, they did joke around about murder. not at all seriously, they just joked about it).

Now, If anyone has any more angry "how dare you" notes, my inbox is never busy.

 

[sunnysky31]

No, but you've stepped on the toes of others. And I've heard young marrieds say things like this before... then comforted them when their spouse left or cheated on them. I know what it's like to be chronically cheated on, and all I'm saying is that you (or anyone else) can't say "this is what I'd do" until you're in that situation.



You just need to be careful. If your marriage lasts 50 years, praise God! But the bible says to be careful that you don't get so prideful that you end up falling. You need to be careful.

See, this is the entire reason I replied to the post in the first place. There was the mention that those who are divorced had ''done the dirty deed''. It is quite obvious that I am not the only one who sees that. I completely agree with Duchess in the fact that if we become TOO PRIDEFUL then we are subject to failure. And yes, there were some pretty hard words thrown around in the initial posting.

I am one who believes that advice should only come when asked. Being that there was not asking done, none should be given. When advice is given without someone first asking for it, it becomes boastful behavior.

~Sunny~

 

[sunnysky31]

Well, I appreciate that you trying to "protect other's feelings" by trying to discredit what I write and say that I am an emotional basket case when it comes to divorce. Thank you. It was astounding that you yourself didn't seem overly angry at it either.

Now, back to reality. Everything you stated in post #30 supports My very firm beliefs on divorce. Every married couple that has been together 40+ years, that I have talked to, say that divorce was NEVER an option (although, they did joke around about murder. not at all seriously, they just joked about it).

Now, If anyone has any more angry "how dare you" notes, my inbox is never busy.

You posted this in a public forum. LoL. Did you expect not to get responses? If you dont want responses then dont post

~Sunny~

 

[DuchessAimee]

Well, I appreciate that you trying to "protect other's feelings" by trying to discredit what I write and say that I am an emotional basket case when it comes to divorce. Thank you. It was astounding that you yourself didn't seem overly angry at it either.

Now, back to reality. Everything you stated in post #30 supports My very firm beliefs on divorce. Every married couple that has been together 40+ years, that I have talked to, say that divorce was NEVER an option (although, they did joke around about murder. not at all seriously, they just joked about it).

Now, If anyone has any more angry "how dare you" notes, my inbox is never busy.

I didn't try to discredit you. I cautioned you, and I said there was a little more to what you were saying than what you were considering.


I am not angry at all... but you obviously are. In forums like this, you HAVE to have alligator skin. You can't get upset every time someone disagrees with you. The fact that you are so angry merely proves my point.


As for the "how dare you" implication, that's just... odd. If you took it that way, I apologize. But again, you can't get mad and throw a tantrum at every little thing. You'll have a heart attack by 50 that way.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Well, I appreciate that you trying to "protect other's feelings" by trying to discredit what I write and say that I am an emotional basket case when it comes to divorce. Thank you. It was astounding that you yourself didn't seem overly angry at it either.

Now, back to reality. Everything you stated in post #30 supports My very firm beliefs on divorce. Every married couple that has been together 40+ years, that I have talked to, say that divorce was NEVER an option (although, they did joke around about murder. not at all seriously, they just joked about it).

Now, If anyone has any more angry "how dare you" notes, my inbox is never busy.

I understand what you're getting at. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage, and we've both used that same phrase "divorce is not an option". We believe marriage is for the long haul.

THAT SAID, I still think we ought to be gentle, loving, and not too judgmental of those who have divorced. Most Christians don't enter marriage planning or expecting to get a divorce. The reasons for divorce vary, and they can be very painful. I think it can just add more pain and guilt when calling them those who have "done the dirty deed". We are called to love one another and bear one another's burdens, not kick each other when they're down.

So thank you for trying to share some wisdom about how to avoid getting a divorce in the first place. There's nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you are also speaking with love.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Shrimp,

As Christians, we DO understand and agree without a doubt that divorce is not God's plan. But I think it must also be kept in mind that MANY other things are not a part of God's design as well but we ALL fail in different ways. I don't say this as an excuse, but rather, just an expression of my own discouragement with the fact that Christianity seems to hold up marriage as "the holy grail" of faith. In other words, you can fail at ANYTHING ELSE and be forgiven. But if for some reason your marriage doesn't work out, the church and other Christians will very often publicly scorn, mock, and condemn you as someone with a Scarlet Letter for life. And, the criticism is always being wielded by those who have never experienced the pain of divorce themselves.

I agree it's a horrible situation and I do believe we must speak to people with consideration as to what they are going through. I fail at this plenty of times myself, but I hope to keep learning.

I have also often wondered how many people push to go into marriages that were NOT God's will to begin with. I would guess, plenty, probably, my own included. Now, I'm not saying two wrongs make a right. But so much emphasis is placed on divorce--I think people also need to look at the fact that some MARRIAGES may be original sin in the first place and so we must be cautious at every step, as well as how we judge anyone involved. I once knew someone who wished with all their heart that their parents would have divorced because of the abusive environment they grew up in that no one knew about. I'm not sure what the proper channels would have been, as every Biblical rule for marriage had been broken within the relationship, but if it would have spared this person I loved further abuse, I can unabashedly say I would have supported the divorce.

I noticed in your profile that you said you were married in Nov. 12 and your daughter was born in June... about a 7-month span? Feel free to correct me if I'm misreading. I'm just wondering, how long were you and your husband together before you married and had your daughter? Did you feel you had plenty of time to get to know each other?

I was just curious about your perspective as a married woman--I dated the man I married for almost 3 years and we were married for 2. It's just my own personal opinion as well that I (for my own point of view) would probably choose to be with someone at least 2 years before marrying (and then I always wanted to wait 3 years or so before having kids... which was the advice my very married Mom--for nearly 50 years--had given me). But I certainly realize that different things work for different people.

God bless, Shrimp, and best wishes to you. I'll look forward to hearing how you feel about starting an early family.

But I do realize different things work for different people so I was wondering how you felt about marrying and then having a baby almost immediately?

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

In the case that the woman up and leaves, for whatever reason, she has a hard heart and doesn't want to deal with it. There really is nothing the husband can do but pray for her to get her heart right. Should he remarry? no, not until she dies. Sorry, it is biblical. (Praying that she dies is not ok either, I checked)

"But I say to you that every one who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity (marital unfaithfulness), makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" (Matt 5:32).

"And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity (marital unfaithfulness), and marries another, commits adultery" (Matt 19:9).

[SUP]"[/SUP]Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned." (1 Cor 7:27-28)

Hi Shrimp, I'm sure you've seen these scriptures before, but I've done a lot of study on remarriage after my own husband had an affair and abandoned his family. I do believe that remarriage under these circumstances is not sinful.

In conclusion:

Problems can be fixed, but ONLY if both are willing. Change only happens with yourself, you can never change your spouse, your friends, your kid(s), anybody.

Definitely something we should all remember. You can't change other people, nor stop them when their mind is made up and their heart is gone from you through no fault of your own. I will tell you that we were successfully married for 16 years, and we felt very qualified to mentor others on marriage during those years. But it wasn't until after my divorce that I felt I truly understood marriage, what makes it work, what makes it hard, and what makes it die or keeps it alive. NOW, of all times, do I feel more qualified to give advice to married people. Ironic, huh?

 

[MissCris]

This thread is depressing.