Advice to the single ladies out there on finding a romantic relationship with a guy (coming from a guy)

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Aug 28, 2020
79
24
8
#1
Just so we're clear, I am a 34 year old single man. Never been married, no kids (I'm a virgin), I am a Christian, and, yes, I just got out of a relationship not too long ago. Currently, I'm not seeing anyone and I don't know when I will. Can be today, tomorrow, next week, a month, a year, years, or never (which I hope doesn't happen in this manner). So what I'm about to say, take it for what it's worth because some (or a lot) of it (depending on how you look at it) may sound like venting. That's not the intent here, nor am I trying to get myself set up with another woman on here. And I am not trying to criticize women nor belittle them. I'm here to offer some advice based on the experiences I've been through with a woman. Now that we cleared the air on that, let's get started.

If you ever wondered why good guys leave a relationship, have you actually asked yourself "what am I doing wrong? Am I being too picky, setting standards too high, asking too much of them, or am I not good enough for them?" Well, the last thing listed in the last sentence, most guys don't think that. Otherwise, they wouldn't ask you out, let alone be interested. It's a harder for men, however, on that last one because there's times where they feel as if they may not be able to live up to the standards that many women are looking for in a man, even if the guy is a good person and is hardworking. Not saying there's nothing wrong with having certain qualities that you may find attractive in a man, but there's going to be times where they may feel like you're moving the goal post. What happens, more often than not, the good guys that are out there simply give up on seeking a relationship.

I would take it a step further and say it's even harder for Christian men because we do want to be with a godly woman and is deeply invested with Christ. However, when a Christian man sees himself facing down these same obstacles, there's a good chance he may begin to lose faith. Now, you may be asking yourself, since the last paragraph, what these obstacles may be. It may not sound like it, but when there are unrealistic standards that are established, it makes it harder for men. Such as:

-being wealthy
-high college degree
-well sculpted body (supermodel status)
-beautiful face
-not having to work as much, making more time to play
-accepting and not expecting her to change (physical, mental, and spiritually) while doing what she wants

These are only some of the standards, but go to some of these dating sites, research data, or even among friends, and hear the answers coming from them. Wealth, we're talking hundreds of thousands (or more) of dollars made every year. College degree, typically a masters. Physical appearance, talking about looking like Jason Mamoa, Pat Robitson, Brad Pitt, etc. Work life, hardly not much at all but still gets paid. Finally, and probably one of the most important ones to note, acceptance, no push back and not questioning. I put that one last because if there's no questioning and simply doing everything that one person wants them to do and still having a healthy relationship, it's doomed to fail.

To be fair, men can be the same way, so we're not exactly perfect either. However, living in a world where feminism is widely more accepted than what God had planned for men and women, men feel isolated and alone. Especially when it comes to Christian men. If you're looking for a godly man, there's nothing wrong with having standards, but make them realistic.

When it comes to wealth, so long as they are working (and doing good work) and getting paid decent, that should more than suffice. When it comes to education, they don't necessarily have to go through college. Many guys may go through tech schools or, like I did, apprenticeship, which are both the equivalent to a college education. College isn't what it use to be (as we all, at least should, know). When it comes to physical appearance, so long as they are not becoming gluttons, having an average look isn't a bad thing. I understand looking good. I lost, over the past decade, 125 pounds, and I have been giving my wardrobe a makeover, while also using products that make me smell better and keep my hair tight (but nice). But don't expect the supermodels to be your Prince Charmings because 99% of the time they're not and it's typically the Average Joe that ends up being that way. When it comes to accepting a woman, a guy doesn't necessarily have to accept you. It sounds harsh, yes, but guys have standards too, and they do have breaking points. If a guy does something for you, without or with you asking, he cares about you. However, don't push him too hard because he can just simply leave the relationship.

Two more important pieces of advice that I didn't mention earlier. Like the man because of who he is, if it's the type of personality you're attracted to. Don't try to change him. If he needs to change, he needs to do it on his own will. Otherwise, if he's just not a good person, don't bother with him. Pray for him, but don't pursuit him until he changes for the better. The most important aspect of all this is he must accept Christ in order to be in a real relationship or on the path of doing so. He must be Christ like because if he isn't, the relationship is doomed to fail. This also applies to men as well when looking for women.

I know this is lengthy and it might sound like virtue signaling, but I assure you it's not. You have to allow men to be men, and allow each one us to be ourselves. Give the guy the opportunity to ask you out, and if it's someone that has accepted Christ into their lives, go out with them (assuming you're not seeing anyone). Good godly men do still exist and want good godly women. I'd want to see Christian men and women together and happy. I understand having other standards that go along with it because it has an effect on the relationship, but make sure that it lines up biblically, not with what the world's unrealistic standards are. I'm still looking and it's hard out there trying to find someone for myself. However, back in late August, I believe God intervened, before I broke up with this one woman a month ago, and had shown me that godly women are still out there by having a woman with the qualities I'm looking for come through my work place. I had seen her again just the other day, but I don't know if I'll see her again after that day. I hope so or at least someone like that, but I think it's confirmation, to me, that I shouldn't give up and continue to live my life. So for you women out there, don't give up. Continue living your life, live by Christ's teachings, and God will introduce to the man that you've been looking for!
 

IToreTheSky

Well-known member
Aug 20, 2020
695
527
93
N.Y.
#2
Well that was epic. Do you feel better now after getting all that off your chest? I kinda get where yer coming from I suppose but . Ummm..nah sorry.
If I were a woman I might be a bit taken back by this post. Just something underneath be it all seems off. Then again ,what do I know? 😀
 

JustEli

Well-known member
Dec 23, 2018
1,374
983
113
47
#3
I will defer to the late great ........ you know who.

"Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much."
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
1,709
1,668
113
#4
I would like to add a slightly different perspective. I've heard the "women prefer bad boys/are only in to money/insist on good looking men". I've also heard "men only want young women/slender women/ financially secure women". Both viewpoints may be true for some but it avoids certain other issues that are important. I don't think women want bad boys. They want a partner with a passion for life. They want to see them engaged, excited about something, curious and having goals. Seeing someone who embraces life is attractive. Not having an education does not mean that someone is not intelligent or knowledgeable. A degree isn't as important as someone who seeks knowledge. Being a person who pursues their faith by being involved in charitable work, is kind, hospitable, encouraging and warm is attractive. Even if the person isn't classically handsome, when you spend time with someone with that sort of personality, you can't help but finding them attractive.
I have met men who complain about women being shallow in wanting the things you mention but the fellow insists on the woman being all the things that they are not. Women want nice men, but a man that has no interests, no desire to learn or explore life, and doesn't present themselves in a way that is attractive (I'm talking their behaviour/interaction with their world), in not the definition of a nice guy. Not doing horrible things is not the definition of a good guy, it just makes you a guy.
Everyone has to ask themselves what they bring to enhance the life of someone else. Be engaging. It is too easy to hide behind not having a big bank account or a fancy car. It is much harder than that. If you don't want to try then that is OK but then we can't accuse others of being shallow (by the way, I am not directing these comments to you, Herkamer 63, they are general comments.)
Let's just be honest. If we are not going to try, if we are not prepared to offer anything to someone else, then we can't expect something in return.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
3,111
2,505
113
#5
Sounds like the OP is meeting women on reality shows, not the average woman. I've never heard a woman expect a man to have a high level of education.

Women tend to look for men with more money. Men tend to look for women with good looks. It's a trade off. But as in all cases with people, that's not 100% true. Just more common.

Studies have shown women tend to look at a man's potential, seeing what they believe he can be. Men tend to look at women expecting them to never change. Obviously neither works as people always change, but perhaps not in the way we might want or expect.

The issue is people tend to think whatever they want in a spouse is fully justifiable and pure and should not be in question. It's a great irony that Christians are made so aware of their sinfulness and how they're drawn to corrupt motives, until its time to pick a spouse and suddenly that no longer exists and never needs to be examined and adjusted. And often times this attitude is encouraged.

But Laughingheart did make a good point in looking at what you have to offer. I used to say often people need to spend less time figuring out what they want and more time working on who they are.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,253
2,481
113
#6
so now... we "need" the analysis/advice to men.
 
Sep 13, 2015
1,666
146
63
#7
All this can be summed up to say: prioritize Jesus first, and a partner second. Find someone who does likewise.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
17,135
5,767
113
#8
someones on the rebound huh

the one you broke up with might not want this advice - dont then try and tar all the women on here with the same brush...we didnt go out with you and didnt do anything wrong.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
17,135
5,767
113
#9
I wonder if I should post something about the horrible experience of going out with a man who picked his nose and then assume all men pick their noses and post lots of advice to men I dont even know and to say dont pick your nose its disgusting.

...insert whatever disgusting unprintable thing for 'picking your nose'

but you know it could be just I have to get used to the nose picking. Or not. After all, people say you cant change a man. Maybe I should ask myself how desperately do I want to marry this nose picker?
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,196
2,217
113
#11
Ok we're just going to do an inverted quote here:

I would take it a step further and say it's even harder for Christian women because we do want to be with a godly man who is deeply invested with Christ. However, when a Christian woman sees herself facing down these same obstacles, there's a good chance she may begin to lose faith. Now, you may be asking yourself what these obstacles may be. It may not sound like it, but when there are unrealistic standards that are established, it makes it harder for women. Such as:

- always being sweet and kind
-being modest but sexy too (just not too sexy or she's causing men to stumble into sin)
-looks like a supermodel
-beautiful face
-having the energy to be full time career woman and full time homemaker
-accepting and not expecting her husband to change (physical, mental, and spiritually) while doing what he wants

But personally I think it's past time to stop pointing fingers and start being a bit more honest about what is realistic and what are the perils and well as the blessings of a relationship. What does a godly man really look like? What does a godly woman look like? What does it mean to be Christlike and do men and women reflect different aspects of Christlikeness? Perhaps the most dangerous christian line in this area has been the idea of not settling for less than "God's best" because we tend to think of God's best as meeting every requirement that I think I want which is a breeding ground for unrealistic standards. Unfortunately as one who grew up under those unrealistic standards and for a long time felling like one of the best at living up to them, boy it's hard to leave the mountaintop of the ideal and come to terms with the available options in real life.
 

17Bees

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2016
1,276
747
113
#12
Yeah, I guess theres really nothing left but us ole bottom of the barrel losers. Is what it is...// now if you'll excuse me I believe I have some boogers to pick......
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,196
2,217
113
#13
Yeah, I guess theres really nothing left but us ole bottom of the barrel losers. Is what it is...// now if you'll excuse me I believe I have some boogers to pick......
Pick a winner.
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
2,665
1,364
113
45
#14
OP, I understand your frustration.

The issue I see though is that those expectations that many women have of men are rather worldy. The things that the Apostle John refers to as "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life". When you try to involve yourself with a woman who has that kind of worldview, you're going to have problems. Not saying for a minute that a Christian relationship doesn't have its own difficulties, but why start behind the 8 ball right off the bat?

I'm not gonna pillory you for expressing your angst, but just realize that you have some power to change that.

Both men and women paint the opposite sex with broad brushes because their worldviews are warped to start with.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
1,881
1,224
113
#15
Ouch...the comments so far. Idk if I should even post a comment being a bit relationally embittered right now but even me not being certain of whether I should post or not and then posting anyway could be a sign to a potential love interest that I clearly am not confident and don't have the wisdom to be in a relationship with her.

I feel you @herkamer63 it does seem impossible.

At the same time nothing is impossible for God. I've seen people say God doesn't play matchmaker and yet he has in scripture and I've heard personal stories about people met that couldn't "not" be God. Even a missionary story I heard when I was not even a teen I still remember. So he "can" and does. Typical? No.

I guess some of my frustration comes from grapevine comments. They were said but not to me but about me.

I'll tap out, I know some of you are far more bitter than I am on this issue so I don't want to get into how it seems that the Lord blocks my potential interests...and I am moved past them. Obviously he's bringing me to a "right" place of maturity for a ministry partner I can be private with but it does get irritating.

Wow alright, I did not expect that. Just keep trusting the Lord with it OP. That's all the encouragement I can help you with because it seems like a God thing to meet the right person in a sea of billions. I refuse to get "deistic" with relationships...I don't foresee that changing. Does not scripture state that he knows our needs and not to worry?
 

JustEli

Well-known member
Dec 23, 2018
1,374
983
113
47
#16
I once had a buddy say this to me, "Eli, you gotta love the ones that love you back." It really is plain and simple. And that piece of advice, I dare you (whomever) to compare to the test of time.
 

Kireina

Well-known member
Aug 26, 2020
1,304
1,251
113
#18
Just so we're clear, I am a 34 year old single man. Never been married, no kids (I'm a virgin), I am a Christian, and, yes, I just got out of a relationship not too long ago. Currently, I'm not seeing anyone and I don't know when I will. Can be today, tomorrow, next week, a month, a year, years, or never (which I hope doesn't happen in this manner). So what I'm about to say, take it for what it's worth because some (or a lot) of it (depending on how you look at it) may sound like venting. That's not the intent here, nor am I trying to get myself set up with another woman on here. And I am not trying to criticize women nor belittle them. I'm here to offer some advice based on the experiences I've been through with a woman. Now that we cleared the air on that, let's get started.

If you ever wondered why good guys leave a relationship, have you actually asked yourself "what am I doing wrong? Am I being too picky, setting standards too high, asking too much of them, or am I not good enough for them?" Well, the last thing listed in the last sentence, most guys don't think that. Otherwise, they wouldn't ask you out, let alone be interested. It's a harder for men, however, on that last one because there's times where they feel as if they may not be able to live up to the standards that many women are looking for in a man, even if the guy is a good person and is hardworking. Not saying there's nothing wrong with having certain qualities that you may find attractive in a man, but there's going to be times where they may feel like you're moving the goal post. What happens, more often than not, the good guys that are out there simply give up on seeking a relationship.

I would take it a step further and say it's even harder for Christian men because we do want to be with a godly woman and is deeply invested with Christ. However, when a Christian man sees himself facing down these same obstacles, there's a good chance he may begin to lose faith. Now, you may be asking yourself, since the last paragraph, what these obstacles may be. It may not sound like it, but when there are unrealistic standards that are established, it makes it harder for men. Such as:

-being wealthy
-high college degree
-well sculpted body (supermodel status)
-beautiful face
-not having to work as much, making more time to play
-accepting and not expecting her to change (physical, mental, and spiritually) while doing what she wants

These are only some of the standards, but go to some of these dating sites, research data, or even among friends, and hear the answers coming from them. Wealth, we're talking hundreds of thousands (or more) of dollars made every year. College degree, typically a masters. Physical appearance, talking about looking like Jason Mamoa, Pat Robitson, Brad Pitt, etc. Work life, hardly not much at all but still gets paid. Finally, and probably one of the most important ones to note, acceptance, no push back and not questioning. I put that one last because if there's no questioning and simply doing everything that one person wants them to do and still having a healthy relationship, it's doomed to fail.

To be fair, men can be the same way, so we're not exactly perfect either. However, living in a world where feminism is widely more accepted than what God had planned for men and women, men feel isolated and alone. Especially when it comes to Christian men. If you're looking for a godly man, there's nothing wrong with having standards, but make them realistic.

When it comes to wealth, so long as they are working (and doing good work) and getting paid decent, that should more than suffice. When it comes to education, they don't necessarily have to go through college. Many guys may go through tech schools or, like I did, apprenticeship, which are both the equivalent to a college education. College isn't what it use to be (as we all, at least should, know). When it comes to physical appearance, so long as they are not becoming gluttons, having an average look isn't a bad thing. I understand looking good. I lost, over the past decade, 125 pounds, and I have been giving my wardrobe a makeover, while also using products that make me smell better and keep my hair tight (but nice). But don't expect the supermodels to be your Prince Charmings because 99% of the time they're not and it's typically the Average Joe that ends up being that way. When it comes to accepting a woman, a guy doesn't necessarily have to accept you. It sounds harsh, yes, but guys have standards too, and they do have breaking points. If a guy does something for you, without or with you asking, he cares about you. However, don't push him too hard because he can just simply leave the relationship.

Two more important pieces of advice that I didn't mention earlier. Like the man because of who he is, if it's the type of personality you're attracted to. Don't try to change him. If he needs to change, he needs to do it on his own will. Otherwise, if he's just not a good person, don't bother with him. Pray for him, but don't pursuit him until he changes for the better. The most important aspect of all this is he must accept Christ in order to be in a real relationship or on the path of doing so. He must be Christ like because if he isn't, the relationship is doomed to fail. This also applies to men as well when looking for women.

I know this is lengthy and it might sound like virtue signaling, but I assure you it's not. You have to allow men to be men, and allow each one us to be ourselves. Give the guy the opportunity to ask you out, and if it's someone that has accepted Christ into their lives, go out with them (assuming you're not seeing anyone). Good godly men do still exist and want good godly women. I'd want to see Christian men and women together and happy. I understand having other standards that go along with it because it has an effect on the relationship, but make sure that it lines up biblically, not with what the world's unrealistic standards are. I'm still looking and it's hard out there trying to find someone for myself. However, back in late August, I believe God intervened, before I broke up with this one woman a month ago, and had shown me that godly women are still out there by having a woman with the qualities I'm looking for come through my work place. I had seen her again just the other day, but I don't know if I'll see her again after that day. I hope so or at least someone like that, but I think it's confirmation, to me, that I shouldn't give up and continue to live my life. So for you women out there, don't give up. Continue living your life, live by Christ's teachings, and God will introduce to the man that you've been looking for!

NEVer compromise this in looking for a romantic relationship, your relationship should lead you more closer to God and not away from God. Don't compromise your faith. God is the most important.




Is it bad to have standards? It is not...now, having unrealistic high Standards yes, I think so if you are looking for a supermodel face and body make sure you are looking the same as well 😁 and that's not all because realistically beauty fades and the body becomes old(so you should not expect that your partner will be forever physically youthful)

What about our behavior? Overtime,our partner may surprise us in ways that make us proud of them and in ways that can make us go mad at them 😁 so realistically our partner can't make us always happy with their actions...



So realistically it is bad to want a man who is wealthy? no not at all in my opinion same like taking a man who is broke...the deciding factor is, if for example I would choose between the two, It is their relationship with Christ 😊 if both love the Lord Jesus genuinely, if that is the case...so...you know who I'm gonna choose 😉🤣


Anyways, it so complicated 😁 Life is too short to spend your time figuring things out the golden rules in romance 😁




I think just pursue what fits for you 😊 as long as the relationship you are looking for won't compromise his sanity and your sanity. Actually there are more you should not compromise😅 but it is all up to you...if you think you can live with it and be OK with it it is up to you to decide...


I actually don't know if I am making sense that's what in my heart right now... 😅


No matter how many times your heart been broken already don't give up on love...it is out there someday it will find its way into your life again 😊
 

true_believer

Well-known member
Sep 24, 2020
515
278
63
#19
Just so we're clear, I am a 34 year old single man. Never been married, no kids (I'm a virgin), I am a Christian, and, yes, I just got out of a relationship not too long ago. Currently, I'm not seeing anyone and I don't know when I will. Can be today, tomorrow, next week, a month, a year, years, or never (which I hope doesn't happen in this manner). So what I'm about to say, take it for what it's worth because some (or a lot) of it (depending on how you look at it) may sound like venting. That's not the intent here, nor am I trying to get myself set up with another woman on here. And I am not trying to criticize women nor belittle them. I'm here to offer some advice based on the experiences I've been through with a woman. Now that we cleared the air on that, let's get started.

If you ever wondered why good guys leave a relationship, have you actually asked yourself "what am I doing wrong? Am I being too picky, setting standards too high, asking too much of them, or am I not good enough for them?" Well, the last thing listed in the last sentence, most guys don't think that. Otherwise, they wouldn't ask you out, let alone be interested. It's a harder for men, however, on that last one because there's times where they feel as if they may not be able to live up to the standards that many women are looking for in a man, even if the guy is a good person and is hardworking. Not saying there's nothing wrong with having certain qualities that you may find attractive in a man, but there's going to be times where they may feel like you're moving the goal post. What happens, more often than not, the good guys that are out there simply give up on seeking a relationship.

I would take it a step further and say it's even harder for Christian men because we do want to be with a godly woman and is deeply invested with Christ. However, when a Christian man sees himself facing down these same obstacles, there's a good chance he may begin to lose faith. Now, you may be asking yourself, since the last paragraph, what these obstacles may be. It may not sound like it, but when there are unrealistic standards that are established, it makes it harder for men. Such as:

-being wealthy
-high college degree
-well sculpted body (supermodel status)
-beautiful face
-not having to work as much, making more time to play
-accepting and not expecting her to change (physical, mental, and spiritually) while doing what she wants

These are only some of the standards, but go to some of these dating sites, research data, or even among friends, and hear the answers coming from them. Wealth, we're talking hundreds of thousands (or more) of dollars made every year. College degree, typically a masters. Physical appearance, talking about looking like Jason Mamoa, Pat Robitson, Brad Pitt, etc. Work life, hardly not much at all but still gets paid. Finally, and probably one of the most important ones to note, acceptance, no push back and not questioning. I put that one last because if there's no questioning and simply doing everything that one person wants them to do and still having a healthy relationship, it's doomed to fail.

To be fair, men can be the same way, so we're not exactly perfect either. However, living in a world where feminism is widely more accepted than what God had planned for men and women, men feel isolated and alone. Especially when it comes to Christian men. If you're looking for a godly man, there's nothing wrong with having standards, but make them realistic.

When it comes to wealth, so long as they are working (and doing good work) and getting paid decent, that should more than suffice. When it comes to education, they don't necessarily have to go through college. Many guys may go through tech schools or, like I did, apprenticeship, which are both the equivalent to a college education. College isn't what it use to be (as we all, at least should, know). When it comes to physical appearance, so long as they are not becoming gluttons, having an average look isn't a bad thing. I understand looking good. I lost, over the past decade, 125 pounds, and I have been giving my wardrobe a makeover, while also using products that make me smell better and keep my hair tight (but nice). But don't expect the supermodels to be your Prince Charmings because 99% of the time they're not and it's typically the Average Joe that ends up being that way. When it comes to accepting a woman, a guy doesn't necessarily have to accept you. It sounds harsh, yes, but guys have standards too, and they do have breaking points. If a guy does something for you, without or with you asking, he cares about you. However, don't push him too hard because he can just simply leave the relationship.

Two more important pieces of advice that I didn't mention earlier. Like the man because of who he is, if it's the type of personality you're attracted to. Don't try to change him. If he needs to change, he needs to do it on his own will. Otherwise, if he's just not a good person, don't bother with him. Pray for him, but don't pursuit him until he changes for the better. The most important aspect of all this is he must accept Christ in order to be in a real relationship or on the path of doing so. He must be Christ like because if he isn't, the relationship is doomed to fail. This also applies to men as well when looking for women.

I know this is lengthy and it might sound like virtue signaling, but I assure you it's not. You have to allow men to be men, and allow each one us to be ourselves. Give the guy the opportunity to ask you out, and if it's someone that has accepted Christ into their lives, go out with them (assuming you're not seeing anyone). Good godly men do still exist and want good godly women. I'd want to see Christian men and women together and happy. I understand having other standards that go along with it because it has an effect on the relationship, but make sure that it lines up biblically, not with what the world's unrealistic standards are. I'm still looking and it's hard out there trying to find someone for myself. However, back in late August, I believe God intervened, before I broke up with this one woman a month ago, and had shown me that godly women are still out there by having a woman with the qualities I'm looking for come through my work place. I had seen her again just the other day, but I don't know if I'll see her again after that day. I hope so or at least someone like that, but I think it's confirmation, to me, that I shouldn't give up and continue to live my life. So for you women out there, don't give up. Continue living your life, live by Christ's teachings, and God will introduce to the man that you've been looking for!
These rants and "observations" are rampant in men's forums and on youtube. You must be familiar with hypergamy or "monkey branching"?
 
Oct 7, 2014
34
54
18
#20
You're overanalyzing everything. Just tell her she has nice eyes and ask her if she wants to talk over coffee tomorrow