Allowing others to make a decision over you

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R

renewed_hope

Guest
#1
Would you ever allow a person you are in a relationship with make a decision for you? Would it matter if it was to protect you?

For the record, I don't think there could ever be a correct answer on this. I'm just curious if you would allow this and why or why not.
 
T

toinena

Guest
#2
Some years ago I was in a deep personal crisis and I talked to a man that meant the world to me. Some of my challenges is to make a decision and stick to it. I can ponder on whether to build a carport literally for years. I have been thinking about it for 7 years already and no carport.

Anyway. As I said he was a part of my life when my whole world fell apart. And what I needed then was a person that said "Listen. Now you do it this way. You haven't got the money for a carport and you don't have a steady job. Save the money and then when you have enough, then you make your carport". It was a big relief, but it also opens a gate to abuse. The next thing he said was to sell my bassoon. I did put it for sale. Luckily I didn't get a high enough offer that I could sell it. He also told me to stop teaching, a profession I loved.

As I said, the surrending over my power to that person to make decisions for me, opened a gate for abuse. When he dumped me, I started to crave for that strong man that made it possible for me to just do and not think. Needless to say, it went very badly and I got trapped in a series of dominating men.

What I have learnt is that love is about mutual submission and that my thoughts matters. I have grown in confidence and I avoid persons that manipulate and domminate me to do unhealthy decisions and actions. It has been a slow process and I am quite allergic to men that abuse their self claimed authority. I am, believe it or not, capable to make my own decisions, but sometimes I need some support to make them.

So. I would strongly advice people to take responisbility for their own decisions and actions. You may be held accountable for them later.

As for the carport. It is now at the architects office together with a extention to the kitchen. I made the decision all by my self. And I still have my bassoon. I have saved some money to start the work, but do need to take on some more morgage.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
It's such a broad question it's impossible to answer simply yes or no. Some things I might, other things I wouldn't.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,233
1,264
113
#4
If it was bringing something for dinner, yeah I could probably live with that. If it was about major life affecting stuff, I'd value his input (if I didn't I should reconsider said relationship) but I'd be pretty ticked off if the decision was made without us coming to agreement about what our decision is.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
15,355
3,022
113
#5
I have never been in a relationship so I have nothing useful to add to this thread. But it looks like an interesting topic that I might need if I ever do get in a relationship, so I will be paying attention for future reference.
 
R

renewed_hope

Guest
#7
It's such a broad question it's impossible to answer simply yes or no. Some things I might, other things I wouldn't.
Ugly, can I ask you to elaborate? Give me examples on what you would and wouldn't consider in allowing others to make decisions. Please?
 
R

renewed_hope

Guest
#8
Some years ago I was in a deep personal crisis and I talked to a man that meant the world to me. Some of my challenges is to make a decision and stick to it. I can ponder on whether to build a carport literally for years. I have been thinking about it for 7 years already and no carport.

Anyway. As I said he was a part of my life when my whole world fell apart. And what I needed then was a person that said "Listen. Now you do it this way. You haven't got the money for a carport and you don't have a steady job. Save the money and then when you have enough, then you make your carport". It was a big relief, but it also opens a gate to abuse. The next thing he said was to sell my bassoon. I did put it for sale. Luckily I didn't get a high enough offer that I could sell it. He also told me to stop teaching, a profession I loved.

As I said, the surrending over my power to that person to make decisions for me, opened a gate for abuse. When he dumped me, I started to crave for that strong man that made it possible for me to just do and not think. Needless to say, it went very badly and I got trapped in a series of dominating men.

What I have learnt is that love is about mutual submission and that my thoughts matters. I have grown in confidence and I avoid persons that manipulate and domminate me to do unhealthy decisions and actions. It has been a slow process and I am quite allergic to men that abuse their self claimed authority. I am, believe it or not, capable to make my own decisions, but sometimes I need some support to make them.

So. I would strongly advice people to take responisbility for their own decisions and actions. You may be held accountable for them later.

As for the carport. It is now at the architects office together with a extention to the kitchen. I made the decision all by my self. And I still have my bassoon. I have saved some money to start the work, but do need to take on some more morgage.
Toinena thank you so much for the response and so sorry you went through all of that. I know I am similar in making decisions as it could take me a while to make them ( haha one of my worst traits)
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
9,918
2,045
113
#9
It all depends on what is being decided. There is a great difference between choosing where to eat and choosing where to live (once married).

I was with my 1st bf for a while. It was long distance. We talked about getting married, but we weren’t officially engaged. He suggested me moving to his city to start working together in ministry. I told him I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that. “If we were engaged, then I would move so I can look for a job, etc etc.” I’m glad I didn’t move.
 
R

renewed_hope

Guest
#10
My boyfriend and I pretty much tell each other everything without being prompted to. Like he tells me things right away like he lets me know where he's at all the time even if I don't ask as do I. We also talk about the conversations we have with others including ones we have with people of the opposite sex and share the correspondence especially if they are troubling. There was one a few months ago that after sharing some things that I was told, he told me if "this person" was talking to me in the manner that was described and making me feel horrible about myself, I need to put an end to that because I deserve to be treated with respect. I didn't question his authority and did exactly as we talked about and was curious if other people would do something similar.
 
T

toinena

Guest
#11
My boyfriend and I pretty much tell each other everything without being prompted to. Like he tells me things right away like he lets me know where he's at all the time even if I don't ask as do I. We also talk about the conversations we have with others including ones we have with people of the opposite sex and share the correspondence especially if they are troubling. There was one a few months ago that after sharing some things that I was told, he told me if "this person" was talking to me in the manner that was described and making me feel horrible about myself, I need to put an end to that because I deserve to be treated with respect. I didn't question his authority and did exactly as we talked about and was curious if other people would do something similar.
I don't think I would take that as him making the decision but rather advising you to make the right decision for you. It is not always easy to see the need to distance oneself from bad influence when you are in the middle of it and a good friend or bf does right by pointing that out.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
3,882
905
113
Philippines Age 40
#12
It depends on the situation. I can let him decide for me sometimes so he can feel a sense of authority because it is important for him but everything should be well balanced so we will not lose each others individuality. I will always consider his input in making decisions and I also wish he would do the same for me.
 
M

MissCris

Guest
#13
Would you ever allow a person you are in a relationship with make a decision for you? Would it matter if it was to protect you?

For the record, I don't think there could ever be a correct answer on this. I'm just curious if you would allow this and why or why not.

Yes. Not for everything, and not very often, but there are, have been, and will be times when I can't make a decision. Or don't want to. Or don't have a very good grasp of a situation in order to make the best decision.

There have also been times when decisions were made for me, without my input, that I definitely should have been a part of. I'm far worse at accepting a decision that I have no chance to discuss and voice my concerns about than one I'm involved in the whole thinking process for, even if I don't agree with it. Decisions I was left completely out of that affected me in a major way never turned out well, and that doesn't happen anymore. But it's gone both ways- when I've decided something for my family without my husband's knowledge or input...well. Yeah. Disaster, and all that.

Thanks to a lot of poor decisions and thoughtlessness on both sides in the earlier years of my marriage, and the resulting struggles and arguments, we've made an effort to come to an agreement on what situations call for individual or joint decisions.

Dinner? I decide, because we agreed I would make the "menu" and do the shopping and cooking.
Bills? He decides, because I was terrible at it.
Minor everyday occurrences? Up for grabs- basically, whoever is available or involved at the time it comes up.
Jobs, housing, kids, schooling, etc (anything that majorly impacts us as a family or couple)- we discuss together (the final decision is left to my husband, but we go into it knowing we may be discussing it over several days or weeks, and not without both sides being truly heard).
 
T

toinena

Guest
#14
It depends on the situation. I can let him decide for me sometimes so he can feel a sense of authority because it is important for him but everything should be well balanced so we will not lose each others individuality. I will always consider his input in making decisions and I also wish he would do the same for me.
It is, of course, a difference when you are married. I would expect major decisions to be joint though. And I do agree a man can have more authority, but the basis of any marriage should be love and respect.

For instance my ex husband and I were both musicians. And he claimed authority over me in that department. It felt very wrong, as we didn't play the same instrument, and I always felt very nervous when playing in the same orchestra as he was. I think love is to give the other person space to florish at the same time as we give eachother support where and when it is needed. And as for "power" in marriage, I think a division is in order. A husband of mine can gladly make the decision for me even on things he has more knowledge about. Like which cellphone to buy or washingmachine. I know he wouldn't force me or make that decision for me if I already had made up my mind, though.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
9,918
2,045
113
#15
RH, I don’t see it as him making a decision for you. He made a recommendation (and I say it was a good one, too!), but it was up to you to put it into action.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
3,882
905
113
Philippines Age 40
#16
I know some married friends who decide on their own instead of asking permission first to show respect to their husbands. When they tell their husbands they make it appear like asking permission when it is actually just informing. Lol!

Letting him decide for you often can make you feel suffocated and he might become controlling. So in everything, balance is important.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
3,882
905
113
Philippines Age 40
#17
It is, of course, a difference when you are married. I would expect major decisions to be joint though. And I do agree a man can have more authority, but the basis of any marriage should be love and respect.

For instance my ex husband and I were both musicians. And he claimed authority over me in that department. It felt very wrong, as we didn't play the same instrument, and I always felt very nervous when playing in the same orchestra as he was. I think love is to give the other person space to florish at the same time as we give eachother support where and when it is needed. And as for "power" in marriage, I think a division is in order. A husband of mine can gladly make the decision for me even on things he has more knowledge about. Like which cellphone to buy or washingmachine. I know he wouldn't force me or make that decision for me if I already had made up my mind, though.

Being forced is never good. We always have a choice. In non violent communication there are only two words that are most important: please and thank you. If that is the only language you use in marriage, you both will never become abusive.
 
C

CandieM

Guest
#18
No.

I grew up having little to no personal freedom, even up into my teens. I was treated (and acted) like a child for many years. I chose to break this pattern when I was in my early twenties, which to me, is way to late to start becoming independent enough to be your own person. I'm not even that much of a person to begin with because the abuse and neglect I grew up with caused me to develop alter egos, so now if anyone really wants to know who I truly am, as a person, they may never know. I don't even know.

The answer is "no" in just about any situation you can think of, but I'm sure there are exceptions to where I'd have no choice. Won't doubt that for a minute. Life has this tricky little way of taking choices from you so that you have to humble yourself and be vulnerable. :cautious: The problem with me being vulnerable is that it causes me to go into fight-or-flight. It's going to be a lifelong battle so long as I live in a world where there are authority figures who assume legal responsibility over me, even when I resist. :rolleyes:
 

Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,639
102
63
#19
I think it really depends on the seriousness of the relationship and what the decision itself involves.

Personally, I like it when my boyfriend plans our activities. He picks the restaurant or the movie or any other fun event (symphony, parks, concerts) etc.

However there is always choice involved with both of us. Sometimes I want to do something else or have another preference.
We never do anything that both of us don't agree to.

There is a lot of freedom and independence in our relationship and I value it greatly.

I do know that as we get more serious, we would be slowly aligning our lives together. Even at that point, I would hope that we would make decisions jointly.

The only time I would be fine with someone making a decision for me without my consent would be a spouse or a parent at the event that I wasn't able to do so myself.

Sometimes my bf has suggestions for me about some things. I hear him out, think about it and then decide whether I want to go that way.
(He's so smart though, I almost always agree with him ^_^ )

There is a lot of mutual respect.

I do trust him so in case there was ever an event where he had to make a decision for me (probably on my choice of drink) - I would be very pleased to see him do it :) .

If he were to call up my workplace and tender in my resignation, that's a different thing altogether.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#20
Ugly, can I ask you to elaborate? Give me examples on what you would and wouldn't consider in allowing others to make decisions. Please?
Well, having had time to think about it I'll actually refine my answer a bit.
A bigger consideration is to what degree you can trust that person to make Any decision for you. For example i once dated a woman whose retired mother would give her money to go to the store and buy specific items, and my ex would use that money to buy what she was supposed to, and something else for herself. Her mother even told her, specifically, not to do so, yet she ignored and bought what she wanted anyways. So trusting that woman with $5 is a risk.
On the other hand the last woman I dated I would trust with a million dollars and not even have a moments concern. She proved herself to be trustworthy, not just in finances, but in every other area.
So it seems knowing how generally trustworthy a person is to you is a first step in deciding what sort of areas you would trust them to make for you.
In that case if a person was like the first person i wouldn't trust them with much else than picking up food and things that had little negative consequence if they were not done correctly. But the second woman i would trust with nearly anything, if, for some reason, i was not able to decide for myself. And even if they screwed up i know they would have been trying to do what they believed was best.