Can I live with my future husband?

thimsrebma · Jul 14, 2011

Now that I've got your attention, this aint about shacking up.

I recently got a roommate because of a weird situation she was in. I was excited at first because I feel like this was going to help me get used to living with someone again. (I feel I will get my man soon) I love learning new things and was looking at his a a readiness challenge.

Boy oh boy. What a nightmare. I don't blame her at all, it has been me. She drives me crazy. I mean every thing she does.

1. She is "scared" of the dark so she leaves the lights on in the bathroom and hallway so I can't sleep.
2. She gets up several times in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or get water.
3.She asks me the same questions over and over again, like a 4 yr old.

Though she is annoying, I dont want to look at this as her fault. It's my reation to her issues that is the problem. I guess this makes me concerned that I hve lived alone so long that I wouldn't want to accomodate anyone elses living needs.

I really do hope I can live with my husband.

There is no question here, but advice or thoughts would be great.

allforfun · Jul 14, 2011

It sounds like she is in "crisis mode". I'm playing arm chair psychologist with the little information you have given me, so forgive me.

She sounds like she is in a time of her life where she is need of something you can't give her. That is not your fault at all. If you had maybe been more prepared for that, then sure. But we can't play therapist all the time to our loved ones. In fact, we can't play dr at all with the people that we are close to because we loose perspective.

So, does this mean you can't live with a husband? No. Because while God has a sense of humor and I firmly believe opposites attract many times, he does not send us people who need taking care of. Not to say we don't care of spouses during specific times, but I think you know what I mean. Co-dependency is not what the master plan is.

When you get married, there will be a learning curve. There will be times they will move the towels in a direction you hate while you move the soup cans to the cabinet they hate. And then you laugh about it at the end of the day because it doesn't matter. If living with them makes you want to chew on tin foil instead? Then getting outside help will be necessary but I honestly don't believe that is God's master plan.

Good luck and take heart. This doesn't mean you aren't compatible with anyone.

Rissa77 · Jul 14, 2011

Great topic! I'm getting my first roomate in the fall. I've never shared a room. Grew up as the baby of the house - had my own room. Went to ministry school - God put me in my own room. Even at discipleship walk, they placed me in my own room (though I fought it and ended up with a really great lady!). College - I was placed in my own room.

This fall, it's my choice. Courtney asked, and I took up the offer.

So I expect some adjusting, and I expect some annoyances (with this roomate and with marriage)... so I'll put a question out there. How much stretching is too much? When do you let things slip by and when do you say something? Can the married ones give some specific examples?

thimsrebma · Jul 14, 2011

allforfun said:

I don't know if she is in "crisis mode" or she is just always that weird. We have been friends for a bout a year. To shed some light about her situaion, it's nothing crazy or anything just kind of akward.

We are/were neighbors. Her husband is a pastor and was placed in a church in a nother city, so he had to move at the end of June. She can't leave her job until the beginning of August. (so this is only temporary.) But for some strange reason they rented their house to another couple for the month of July instead of waiting until August. I was of course thiking "why don't you just wait until august to let them move in?"

But they didn't.

I am thankful for your encouragement as I was hoping this wasn't a sign that I am "too picky" and would probably nag my husband to death about blowing his nose in bed. LOL

zeroturbulence · Jul 14, 2011

What if you marry a man and find out that he is a very loud snorer, or that he constantly shifts around or kicks in his sleep? Those are just scratching the surface. There was this guy who married who he thought was the girl of his dreams and a few months after the wedding he was posting (on a completely different website) in desparation because she is a total slob and he likes his place very clean and spotless (he was in the military, so I guess thats where he picked that up) and it was causing them to fight and ruining their marriage, sex life, everything, and he couldn't take it anymore.

thimsrebma · Jul 14, 2011

zeroturbulence said:

How could you not know that someone you were dating was a slob? If they don't clean their house before you get married they probably won't clean yours afterward.

But your question is the point of my post. I don't know if I can handle it. It may seem like small stuff to some, but I am a light sleeper who requires about 6 or 7 hours of sleep per night . If your snoring, turning on lights, sleepwalking, etc, knocks me down to 4 or 5 hours, everyone in my path is gonna have to deal with it later.

That's just how it is. You can only function properly for so long if you don't have good sleep. It can really take a physical toll on your body. I know, while I was in college I worked several jobs and often only got 4 or 5hrs of sleep and so on most friday and saturday night I would have to sleep about 12 hours. I aint doing that again.

So I guess there is a question here. How can you fix that? How do you cope if you are exhausted because someone else is causing you to lose sleep?

zeroturbulence · Jul 14, 2011

thimsrebma said:

She would clean her place every time she was expecting him to come over (to make a good impression of course).

thimsrebma · Jul 14, 2011

zeroturbulence said:

That's just sad.

zeroturbulence · Jul 14, 2011

thimsrebma said:

But your question is the point of my post. I don't know if I can handle it. It may seem like small stuff to some, but I am a light sleeper who requires about 6 or 7 hours of sleep per night . If your snoring, turning on lights, sleepwalking, etc, knocks me down to 4 or 5 hours, everyone in my path is gonna have to deal with it later.

That's just how it is. You can only function properly for so long if you don't have good sleep. It can really take a physical toll on your body. I know, while I was in college I worked several jobs and often only got 4 or 5hrs of sleep and so on most friday and saturday night I would have to sleep about 12 hours. I aint doing that again.

So I guess there is a question here. How can you fix that? How do you cope if you are exhausted because someone else is causing you to lose sleep?

I know what you're saying. I don't really have an answer except maybe figure out a way so you don't hear her. Earplugs maybe?

allforfun · Jul 14, 2011

thimsrebma said:

Sleep exhaustion is very real, I get it. I am a chronic insomniac that knows I will bother the other person because of my (lack of) sleeping habits.

However. I do think some of your expectations are a little unrealistic. First, I've never believed a couple has to sleep in the same bed in order for a marriage to work. People have different needs and if they are so drastically different that they can't be met in the same room, why torture each other?

But? You know that you are a light sleeper. So that kinda puts the burden on you. I'm not saying people should re-enact stomp in your bedroom. Not at all. But if you are a light sleeper, you have to make accommodations that will help you get what you need while considering that other people may not have those needs. They may be able to sleep through Stomp. It is all about compromise. Not being ran over, but compromise. The things that don't matter at the end of the day? Let it go.

I'm sorry you feel like your space is being intruded on. But I'm with other people on the light thing. I sleep with a small light on at 35 and if someone wanted to make fun of me and tell me to "just get over it" I would punch them. Because they don't know what happened to me to get to that point.

thimsrebma · Jul 14, 2011

allforfun said:

Sleep exhaustion is very real, I get it. I am a chronic insomniac that knows I will bother the other person because of my (lack of) sleeping habits.

However. I do think some of your expectations are a little unrealistic. First, I've never believed a couple has to sleep in the same bed in order for a marriage to work. People have different needs and if they are so drastically different that they can't be met in the same room, why torture each other?

But? You know that you are a light sleeper. So that kinda puts the burden on you. I'm not saying people should re-enact stomp in your bedroom. Not at all. But if you are a light sleeper, you have to make accommodations that will help you get what you need while considering that other people may not have those needs. They may be able to sleep through Stomp. It is all about compromise. Not being ran over, but compromise. The things that don't matter at the end of the day? Let it go.

I'm sorry you feel like your space is being intruded on. But I'm with other people on the light thing. I sleep with a small light on at 35 and if someone wanted to make fun of me and tell me to "just get over it" I would punch them. Because they don't know what happened to me to get to that point.

Well maybe she should get a night light but don't turn on all of my lights.

I know there will have to be some accomodations for my light sleeping but they would definitly be compromises on both parts. Not just me compromising to suit them.

allforfun · Jul 14, 2011

thimsrebma said:

I agree with you on all parts. Please don't think I am saying you should lay down your rights at all.

But you have another 1/2 month with her in your home that you are uncomfortable. I would maybe buy her a 2.00 night light and say very nicely, since you need the lights on, will you please use this. It would help me sleep better and you as well. Not passive aggressive, just a solution.

But no one should do all the compromising. Ever. That makes you a door mat and if you know anything about me, you should know I don't advocate that.

seoulsearch · Jul 14, 2011

I can TOTALLY relate to this as well, Amber, because I'm in the same situation. I've never had a "regular" roommate... unless you count the ex-husband.

I've been helping a friend who is in a bit of a situation as well... 4 days has turned into 5 weeks. I haven't had a decent night's sleep during all that time, although, like AFF, I am pretty much a chronic insomniac as well. My roommie always gets up before I do (meaning I have to get up as well--I'm a very light sleeper so I always get up with the earliest riser in the house) and goes to bed later than I do (so if I AM sleeping, I always get woken up again.)

I generally am only able to sleep a few hours... then I get up and putz around the house for a few more (at 2 AM) until I can manage to be sleepy enough to take a nap before work. Obviously, with someone living in the middle of the house (literally.... in the living room), I can't keep to my "normal" schedule, and having to just stay in my room is driving me nuts.

She's the sweetest girl in the world... but I had to really bite my tongue last week--she implied that something in the house smelled, and promptly took out the trash (it wasn't the trash... it was the fact that she had piles of laundry, most of it unwashed, thrown all over the spare room she's keeping her things in.) I just nodded and played dumb. I HATE random clutter and I HATE anything dirty or smelly even more.

I do wonder as well if God hasn't sent me a husband... because I obviously might be in danger of strangling him within the first month...

Jullianna · Jul 14, 2011

Hmmm..did she marry very young? Come from a large family? One of my sisters went directly from home to being married and was then divorced. It was very difficult for her to sleep alone. She was scared for awhile, but it did pass in a month or two.

I had a roomie in college for about six months right before I got married at 18. She was a total slob. I would come home after work/classes and clean everything, only to come home the next day to it being totally trashed again. And the refrigerator???? Ugh...it got to the point where I didn't even want to put food in there.... The wedding just couldn't come soon enough for me.

Hubby was a LITTLE better, having been in the military, but it still took some adjustments.

I had to learn some things:

1. Men are perfectly fine with wearing a pair of favorite jeans all...week...long, and will actually HIDE them if they have to;
2. Forget the toilet seat thing. It's gonna be up. Period. You'll fall in during the night a couple of times and learn to put it down in your sleep;
3. No matter how many valets, drawer dividers, etc. you get them for their dresser, everything that comes out of their pockets is gonna stay in a pile on top of the dresser until they dress the next morning;
4. Don't bother discussing laundry sorting. It ain't gonna happen. Just sort it from the hamper when doing the laundry. And if they leave ink pens, etc. in their pockets and ruin your stuff, they owe you a new whatever it was

;
5. Manly noises happen. Not only do they happen, men are entertained by them;
6. Men will never understand all of the STUFF we need in the shower stall. Separate bathrooms are helpful;
7. Make it a habit to LOOK AT THE TOILET PAPER ROLL WHEN YOU FIRST WALK INTO THE BATHROOM and plan on it being EMPTY;
8. If you clean out your hubby's closet, you must save whatever you removed for at least 6 months. If he doesn't miss it, it can be donated to charity/sold at a garage sale. If you have a question as to whether it's important to him, you must subtly work this into a conversation before removing it. NEVER GIVE AWAY/SELL OLD SPORTS HATS OR T-SHIRTS - knowing this can save your life;
9. Never let a hubby help you with a garage sale because he'll take all of his stuff back into the house because he can't live without it;
10. If he offers to put the laundry away, just accept the fact that he doesn't understand your dresser/closet system and nothing will be where you want it. Thank him for his efforts and move it later;
11. He doesn't understand your kitchen cabinet system. If he thinks he's helping by putting the groceries away, thank him and check when he isn't looking to make sure the milk isn't in your spice cabinet;
12. When your hubby offers to help you clean, divide the chores according to the things you're picky about, which are normally going to be the bathrooms and kitchen. It's hard to mess up dusting, vacuuming and taking out the trash;
13.If he snores, you "accidently" let you arm flop across his chest hard enough to wake him or hold his nose until he begins to snort, the quickly let go and fake being sound asleep;
14. Keep two blankets on the bed or a spare within arm's reach. If he takes one for himself during the night and you wake up frozen, you don't have to get up to get one for yourself or fight him for it;
15. Never move furniture at night if your husband isn't home. Many men have been injured because of this;
16. Husbands wreck diets. Count on it. The week you start a diet is the week they will want to go to every high-cal restaurant in town and/or bring home cookies, ice cream, etc.;
17. Sharing a checkbook never worked for me because he would forget to make registry entries, though duplicates are helpful. It's helpful to have two checking accounts with both of your names on them with each person having certain financial/bill paying responsibilities. Since most of us use debit cards more and more, it's even more important and helpful in keeping track of spending habits. After we did this, we never had the checkbook/bill paying arguments;
18. Men don't understand what some of your items are and will use them for the wrong purposes, oftentimes rendering them unusable for the correct purposes. BEWARE;
19. If you go to sleep before he does, it's highly likely that the light will come on, you will hear singing/humming/whistling, the rattle of the stuff he has to remove from his pocket and dump into a pile on his dresser, after which time he will ask, "Oh! Were you asleep???!!!"; and
20. Newspapers in the bathroom. Stacks and stacks and stacks. Maybe this is why they don't care whether there's toilet paper on the roll or not...

christiancollegegirl · Jul 14, 2011

Oy. Julianna, you're making me rethink wanting to get married.

zeroturbulence · Jul 14, 2011

Jullianna said:

Hmmm..did she marry very young? Come from a large family? One of my sisters went directly from home to being married and was then divorced. It was very difficult for her to sleep alone. She was scared for awhile, but it did pass in a month or two.

I had a roomie in college for about six months right before I got married at 18. She was a total slob. I would come home after work/classes and clean everything, only to come home the next day to it being totally trashed again. And the refrigerator???? Ugh...it got to the point where I didn't even want to put food in there.... The wedding just couldn't come soon enough for me.

Hubby was a LITTLE better, having been in the military, but it still took some adjustments.

I had to learn some things:

1. Men are perfectly fine with wearing a pair of favorite jeans all...week...long, and will actually HIDE them if they have to;
2. Forget the toilet seat thing. It's gonna be up. Period. You'll fall in during the night a couple of times and learn to put it down in your sleep;
3. No matter how many valets, drawer dividers, etc. you get them for their dresser, everything that comes out of their pockets is gonna stay in a pile on top of the dresser until they dress the next morning;
4. Don't bother discussing laundry sorting. It ain't gonna happen. Just sort it from the hamper when doing the laundry. And if they leave ink pens, etc. in their pockets and ruin your stuff, they owe you a new whatever it was

;
5. Manly noises happen. Not only do they happen, men are entertained by them;
6. Men will never understand all of the STUFF we need in the shower stall. Separate bathrooms are helpful;
7. Make it a habit to LOOK AT THE TOILET PAPER ROLL WHEN YOU FIRST WALK INTO THE BATHROOM and plan on it being EMPTY;
8. If you clean out your hubby's closet, you must save whatever you removed for at least 6 months. If he doesn't miss it, it can be donated to charity/sold at a garage sale. If you have a question as to whether it's important to him, you must subtly work this into a conversation before removing it. NEVER GIVE AWAY/SELL OLD SPORTS HATS OR T-SHIRTS - knowing this can save your life;
9. Never let a hubby help you with a garage sale because he'll take all of his stuff back into the house because he can't live without it;
10. If he offers to put the laundry away, just accept the fact that he doesn't understand your dresser/closet system and nothing will be where you want it. Thank him for his efforts and move it later;
11. He doesn't understand your kitchen cabinet system. If he thinks he's helping by putting the groceries away, thank him and check when he isn't looking to make sure the milk isn't in your spice cabinet;
12. When your hubby offers to help you clean, divide the chores according to the things you're picky about, which are normally going to be the bathrooms and kitchen. It's hard to mess up dusting, vacuuming and taking out the trash;
13.If he snores, you "accidently" let you arm flop across his chest hard enough to wake him or hold his nose until he begins to snort, the quickly let go and fake being sound asleep;
14. Keep two blankets on the bed or a spare within arm's reach. If he takes one for himself during the night and you wake up frozen, you don't have to get up to get one for yourself or fight him for it;
15. Never move furniture at night if your husband isn't home. Many men have been injured because of this;
16. Husbands wreck diets. Count on it. The week you start a diet is the week they will want to go to every high-cal restaurant in town and/or bring home cookies, ice cream, etc.;
17. Sharing a checkbook never worked for me because he would forget to make registry entries, though duplicates are helpful. It's helpful to have two checking accounts with both of your names on them with each person having certain financial/bill paying responsibilities. Since most of us use debit cards more and more, it's even more important and helpful in keeping track of spending habits. After we did this, we never had the checkbook/bill paying arguments;
18. Men don't understand what some of your items are and will use them for the wrong purposes, oftentimes rendering them unusable for the correct purposes. BEWARE;
19. If you go to sleep before he does, it's highly likely that the light will come on, you will hear singing/humming/whistling, the rattle of the stuff he has to remove from his pocket and dump into a pile on his dresser, after which time he will ask, "Oh! Were you asleep???!!!"; and
20. Newspapers in the bathroom. Stacks and stacks and stacks. Maybe this is why they don't care whether there's toilet paper on the roll or not...

ROFL!! OMGosh I just read through the first 8 and I could barely breathe because I couldn't stop laughing. What so funny is that its all so true!! hahahahahahaha

rainacorn · Jul 14, 2011

I've had many roommates in my life, but none as obnoxious or as wonderful as my husband.

Everything Jullianna said is totally true, although there is of course room for individuality (my husband wouldn't wear the same jeans for an entire day, let alone a week... what a diva).

Roommates are good experience for living with a person and overlooking quirks, but it's just different when you're married. When you have a roommate there is a clear line between your stuff and their stuff. Even if there are things you share, there is still ownership and division. When you're married, it's all "our stuff" and I just have no interest in putting a cardboard cutout of Darth Vader in the middle of my living room. If my husband was just a roommate then maybe, but that's "our" Darth Vader now and I think he prefers the closet lol

Jullianna · Jul 14, 2011

I've had many roommates in my life, but none as obnoxious or as wonderful as my husband

That's a cool thing to say about your hubby

And true!

Jullianna · Jul 14, 2011

christiancollegegirl said:

They're worth it. I hope by reading that you can understand what I mean when I say that even their quirks can be adorable and make you laugh

NukePooch · Jul 14, 2011

Rephrased to fit me specifically...in case you were wondering.

1. Men are perfectly fine with wearing a pair of favorite jeans all...week...long, and will actually HIDE them if they have to; No need to hide them, cause I'll be wearing them, along with my favorite nasty t-shirt.
2. Forget the toilet seat thing. It's gonna be up. Period. You'll fall in during the night a couple of times and learn to put it down in your sleep; Sorry, the seat will be down. I sit at night cause it's easier to do when asleep. My older bro ALWAYS puts the lid down...now THAT is annoying.
3. No matter how many valets, drawer dividers, etc. you get them for their dresser, everything that comes out of their pockets is gonna stay in a pile on top of the dresser until they dress the next morning;
No dresser, no drawers to divide, and I don't have a clue what a valet is, except for the guy who parks your car. Stuff from pockets goes on a shelf/cabinet/whatever right inside the front door so it's always ready when I leave. No exceptions.
4. Don't bother discussing laundry sorting. It ain't gonna happen. Just sort it from the hamper when doing the laundry. And if they leave ink pens, etc. in their pockets and ruin your stuff, they owe you a new whatever it was

; Ink pens should be right next to the front door, so nothing ends up in the wash by mistake.
5. Manly noises happen. Not only do they happen, men are entertained by them; Some of us are not. Some of us will actually leave the room so as not to advertise manly noises.
6. Men will never understand all of the STUFF we need in the shower stall. Separate bathrooms are helpful; Wrong, separate bathrooms are a NECESSITY.
7. Make it a habit to LOOK AT THE TOILET PAPER ROLL WHEN YOU FIRST WALK INTO THE BATHROOM and plan on it being EMPTY; Nope. It will not be empty, and the flap will always be over-the-top, not underneath.
8. If you clean out your hubby's closet, you must save whatever you removed for at least 6 months. If he doesn't miss it, it can be donated to charity/sold at a garage sale. If you have a question as to whether it's important to him, you must subtly work this into a conversation before removing it. NEVER GIVE AWAY/SELL OLD SPORTS HATS OR T-SHIRTS - knowing this can save your life; Wrong, wrong, wrong. Never clean out hubby's closet/garage/toolbox/car trunk/anything else of his.
9. Never let a hubby help you with a garage sale because he'll take all of his stuff back into the house because he can't live without it; It should have never ended up in the sale in the first place. See #8. Don't touch.
10. If he offers to put the laundry away, just accept the fact that he doesn't understand your dresser/closet system and nothing will be where you want it. Thank him for his efforts and move it later; Put your own laundry away. Leave mine for me. You won't get my 'system' right.
11. He doesn't understand your kitchen cabinet system. If he thinks he's helping by putting the groceries away, thank him and check when he isn't looking to make sure the milk isn't in your spice cabinet; For those of us who cook, this is an insult. For most men, it's the truth.
12. When your hubby offers to help you clean, divide the chores according to the things you're picky about, which are normally going to be the bathrooms and kitchen. It's hard to mess up dusting, vacuuming and taking out the trash; Real men don't dust. There's no reason to ever do that task.

(Wouldn't know on the next two...I've never slept with anyone.)
13.If he snores, you "accidently" let you arm flop across his chest hard enough to wake him or hold his nose until he begins to snort, the quickly let go and fake being sound asleep;
14. Keep two blankets on the bed or a spare within arm's reach. If he takes one for himself during the night and you wake up frozen, you don't have to get up to get one for yourself or fight him for it;

15. Never move furniture at night if your husband isn't home. Many men have been injured because of this; My dad always loved it when we kids left Legos on the stairs...
16. Husbands wreck diets. Count on it. The week you start a diet is the week they will want to go to every high-cal restaurant in town and/or bring home cookies, ice cream, etc.; Um...that's every week.
17. Sharing a checkbook never worked for me because he would forget to make registry entries, though duplicates are helpful. It's helpful to have two checking accounts with both of your names on them with each person having certain financial/bill paying responsibilities. Since most of us use debit cards more and more, it's even more important and helpful in keeping track of spending habits. After we did this, we never had the checkbook/bill paying arguments; My parents have this all figured out. My mom has all the power, and my dad has none when it comes to paying for anything.
18. Men don't understand what some of your items are and will use them for the wrong purposes, oftentimes rendering them unusable for the correct purposes. BEWARE; Likewise when ladies use men's things.
19. If you go to sleep before he does, it's highly likely that the light will come on, you will hear singing/humming/whistling, the rattle of the stuff he has to remove from his pocket and dump into a pile on his dresser, after which time he will ask, "Oh! Were you asleep???!!! Again, all pocket stuff will be by the front door, but I agree with waking you up. Sounds like fun.
20. Newspapers in the bathroom. Stacks and stacks and stacks. Maybe this is why they don't care whether there's toilet paper on the roll or not. I personally have never understood reading material in the bathroom...and wouldn't even think of touching anyone else's bathroom reading material.

Can I live with my future husband?

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