Could I still be with her? Should I even try?

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Aug 12, 2013
306
70
28
#1
Years ago, in 2007, I met this girl as we were teenagers. Yet this story may sound insane to many people. Still, I have a question I really feel should have an answer. I will ask it after I explain the story (even though it's the title). I met her online where you make poems and such, she read some of mine and wanted to message me. We began talking, and each day she just was quite intelligent than any other girls I've met even until now. After a month or two, we talked on the phone. She had a voice that was so adorable, she had conversations with me that could go on forever, and rarely anyone even understands the simple things I say in life. Just how will we spoke and feelings we shared, we couldn't help but fall into feelings of love. Yet, short time after awhile, she was starting school again and as she only lives a few states away, she didn't really feel like she would have time to talk to me and was wanting to hang out with people where she lives. Still, we did care about each other, and she knew I wanted to be with her, but before she left and wouldn't call me anymore, I told her that I promise I won't marry anyone else at least until I'm 18, and I was 14 then. So she was ok with that and I did keep my promise about near a thousand days, just not able to talk to her, dreaming of her, waiting on her, hoping to speak to her again. When I became 17, I called her again when I finally had a phone to use, and she was surprised I called, she thought I didn't really care and just moved on. Quickly, we feel into wonderful words, the love only was stronger than ever. Later, on the phone, and after what happened before with her, I didn't want to let her go again or before she would find another man, I asked her to marry me. She decided to get off the phone for a second and then sent me a picture I still have saying yes, and another saying she promises she'll always love me. Not long after... I did things I regret, I want saved then either, and I asked her for sexual things, I judged her all the time, I was being hypocritical, just many things. And suddenly one day she changed her mind about me from how I kept treating her that month. And she got upset and fussed, and blamed me for that, she said she cares but she just can't talk to me being how I was. I told her I would change but she wasn't going to believe it. So she left forever. That was 2010. Now, it's been over another thousand days, and when she left me I truly had a broken heart. She gave me a kind of love that no girl ever comes close to even in person. I can barely even believe I can marry someone now. She is always on my mind, I sent hours last night crying day till night, no joke. And I did find it that being an adult she has a real job, able to live with herself, but very recently idk if she is with someone or if she has moved. But... I don't feel like I would need or want any woman than her. Could I really find her again and maybe for the first time truly see her? Should I even try? ...when she broke my heart leaving me, I felt like being suicidal, she was really the only person who ever showed me love, and as she was gone, I felt no reason to live but as it seemed Jesus was the only one who would forgive me, love me, and change who I am, I was saved and would never kill l myself. So now, I wouldn't do the things that messed us up before. But.... should I just let her go forever or really try to get her back with me in love? ...or at least even say goodbye in a more gentle way...?
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
33,555
11,320
113
66
Tennessee
#2
Years ago, in 2007, I met this girl as we were teenagers. Yet this story may sound insane to many people. Still, I have a question I really feel should have an answer. I will ask it after I explain the story (even though it's the title). I met her online where you make poems and such, she read some of mine and wanted to message me. We began talking, and each day she just was quite intelligent than any other girls I've met even until now. After a month or two, we talked on the phone. She had a voice that was so adorable, she had conversations with me that could go on forever, and rarely anyone even understands the simple things I say in life. Just how will we spoke and feelings we shared, we couldn't help but fall into feelings of love. Yet, short time after awhile, she was starting school again and as she only lives a few states away, she didn't really feel like she would have time to talk to me and was wanting to hang out with people where she lives. Still, we did care about each other, and she knew I wanted to be with her, but before she left and wouldn't call me anymore, I told her that I promise I won't marry anyone else at least until I'm 18, and I was 14 then. So she was ok with that and I did keep my promise about near a thousand days, just not able to talk to her, dreaming of her, waiting on her, hoping to speak to her again. When I became 17, I called her again when I finally had a phone to use, and she was surprised I called, she thought I didn't really care and just moved on. Quickly, we feel into wonderful words, the love only was stronger than ever. Later, on the phone, and after what happened before with her, I didn't want to let her go again or before she would find another man, I asked her to marry me. She decided to get off the phone for a second and then sent me a picture I still have saying yes, and another saying she promises she'll always love me. Not long after... I did things I regret, I want saved then either, and I asked her for sexual things, I judged her all the time, I was being hypocritical, just many things. And suddenly one day she changed her mind about me from how I kept treating her that month. And she got upset and fussed, and blamed me for that, she said she cares but she just can't talk to me being how I was. I told her I would change but she wasn't going to believe it. So she left forever. That was 2010. Now, it's been over another thousand days, and when she left me I truly had a broken heart. She gave me a kind of love that no girl ever comes close to even in person. I can barely even believe I can marry someone now. She is always on my mind, I sent hours last night crying day till night, no joke. And I did find it that being an adult she has a real job, able to live with herself, but very recently idk if she is with someone or if she has moved. But... I don't feel like I would need or want any woman than her. Could I really find her again and maybe for the first time truly see her? Should I even try? ...when she broke my heart leaving me, I felt like being suicidal, she was really the only person who ever showed me love, and as she was gone, I felt no reason to live but as it seemed Jesus was the only one who would forgive me, love me, and change who I am, I was saved and would never kill l myself. So now, I wouldn't do the things that messed us up before. But.... should I just let her go forever or really try to get her back with me in love? ...or at least even say goodbye in a more gentle way...?
I want to say that I have met this wonderful woman through this site. We exchange emails and snail mail and talk on the phone every night. She has an adorable voice too. This weekend we are going to meet for the first time. We have made ourselves vulnerable to each other so that we both understand the events of the past that played a part of who we are today. Our relationship is centered on the love of God and we have a foundation block of honesty and trust. We are completely faithful to each other and we pray for God's blessed assured hope for the future so we can have a loving and enduring life together as husband and wife.

I was a young man once and I can understand what you are going through. It could very well be that this person is the one true woman that you can be happy with for the rest of your life. I will give you a word of advice though, never, ever, ask a woman for sexual things because when you do that you are turning her into a toy and that is very disrespectful. That part will come naturally in the course of events but it should according to God's timing and not based on your own passions. In my estimation what you did was not a show stopper. Forming a relationship can be an awkward and sloppy process at times because we are only human. Forming a relationship is an adventure in itself.

You cannot get her to be back in love with you. That is not how it works and those feelings can be fleeting and elusive because they are based strictly on you own emotions. You may pray however, that if this is the woman that God has picked out for you to be your wife that He could place love in her heart to share with you. Again, this is up to her to allow this to happen but without this type of love you will never have an enduring relationship.

I am going to be a little harsh now to you but only because I have an understanding of what you are going through. Saying goodbyes are for losers. If you really love this woman you must fight for her. I encourage you to read my thread "Rules of Engagement" regarding matters of the heart. It may be a helpful guideline for you. My advice to you is to man-up and go get her before it is too late. Go for it.
 

Jimbone

Senior Member
Aug 22, 2014
2,382
656
113
41
#3
Brother form my perspective I think you should try to talk to her again to feel it out. It sounded like she was part of His plan to pull you in. I think you should just stay in prayer, and do what you are doing here, in getting outside perspectives to see where Jesus leads you. She obviously was part of your path to Truth (it sounded that way anyway), maybe you're to be part of hers as well. When emotions get involved it does get somewhat hazy, but you have the Spirit to guide you inside He will let you know. I do think it would be worth contacting her to, at the very least, say goodbye and good luck peacefully, like you said. God will guide you, but at the same time I would keep doing this though (not on CC exclusively or anything like that, but to fellow believers in your life), and getting outside perspectives to make sure the heart doesn't lead you astray. Thanks for sharing brother, and may God bless you in whatever He wills.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,504
1,603
113
#4
Short answer: no

Longer answer: Seems like most of this relationship is in your head. You met 7 yearsish ago, out of that 7 years roughly 6 of them have been spent without contact if I understand your story correctly. She left shortly after you met and for 3 years there was no contact. You called her then and she was surprised to hear from you and surprised you hadn't moved on. You got her to agree to marry you, but after you messed up she broke up with you and "left forever". And no matter how it seems, I'm sure that from her perspective it was not a sudden change of mind. That was 4 years ago. So in your seven year acquaintance she has not sought out renewed contact with you, and it seems like she pretty deliberately cut you out when she went to school a few states away. You don't seem dangerous, but you do seem obsessive about her and that is not good or healthy. She probably does care enough about you that she doesn't want to turn you down flat, but her actions say that she's just not that into you. Start the process of moving on for your own sake.

Another thing to consider: It sounds like you have not met this woman in real life or seen a live video feed of her. Pictures can be easily faked or substituted, and it is not unheard of for people to pretend to be in love with someone for the entertainment value (see this thread http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/85202-o-o-internet-catfishing.html )
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
13,992
1,740
113
66
#5
Most important pray about this and give this situation and her plus yourself to God to work it out and then try again. I tell my daughter Melisa all the time - ask all they or she can do is say no....but at least you know you tried.
 

Jimbone

Senior Member
Aug 22, 2014
2,382
656
113
41
#6
Short answer: no

Longer answer: Seems like most of this relationship is in your head. You met 7 yearsish ago, out of that 7 years roughly 6 of them have been spent without contact if I understand your story correctly. She left shortly after you met and for 3 years there was no contact. You called her then and she was surprised to hear from you and surprised you hadn't moved on. You got her to agree to marry you, but after you messed up she broke up with you and "left forever". And no matter how it seems, I'm sure that from her perspective it was not a sudden change of mind. That was 4 years ago. So in your seven year acquaintance she has not sought out renewed contact with you, and it seems like she pretty deliberately cut you out when she went to school a few states away. You don't seem dangerous, but you do seem obsessive about her and that is not good or healthy. She probably does care enough about you that she doesn't want to turn you down flat, but her actions say that she's just not that into you. Start the process of moving on for your own sake.

Another thing to consider: It sounds like you have not met this woman in real life or seen a live video feed of her. Pictures can be easily faked or substituted, and it is not unheard of for people to pretend to be in love with someone for the entertainment value (see this thread http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/85202-o-o-internet-catfishing.html )
All this is true so decrement is essential, but I still think he can ask to at least lay it to rest in his mind. You're suggesting he just forget about it all and move on? That doesn't seem like very much closure for those deep of feelings. Even if it is some 40 year old man in his moms basement and he finds out, it's a big lesson learned plus it helped led him to Christ. You never know, and never will if you don't try.
 
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Roh_Chris

Senior Member
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#7
I think you should get back to her. I think this is what would have happened. She was bearing with you in the hope that you would be saved. But you made it difficult for her by doing what you did. So she met some Christian friends (probably CC, who knows?) and talked to them about this. She also prayed about you for a long time. Eventually she felt that you would not change. So she decided to leave you. But, now you have come around and you are saved. So you have to get in touch with her. Whether she is married or not, at least let her know that you have been saved. If she is single, go get her mate! :)
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
33,555
11,320
113
66
Tennessee
#8
I think you should get back to her. I think this is what would have happened. She was bearing with you in the hope that you would be saved. But you made it difficult for her by doing what you did. So she met some Christian friends (probably CC, who knows?) and talked to them about this. She also prayed about you for a long time. Eventually she felt that you would not change. So she decided to leave you. But, now you have come around and you are saved. So you have to get in touch with her. Whether she is married or not, at least let her know that you have been saved. If she is single, go get her mate! :)
Right on, brother!
 
C

Charcoal

Guest
#9
Bro, you were FOURTEEN. you've changed a whole lot more than your socks since yall met. So has she. (Well, hopefully yall have, otherwise we're talking about some scary stagnation issues.) By now you two should be such totally different people that there is likely not sufficient common ground to make anything work out.
You're now 22. You're still in the process of forming who you are. Be open to what can come next rather than stuck on the notion that you've missed your one chance at whatever. You're young and there is so much more yet to come.
 
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heweeps

Guest
#10
For once I have nothing to say. Except Pray for guidance from the Lord. He knows and shall supply your needs.
 
A

Abster

Guest
#11
Years ago, in 2007, I met this girl as we were teenagers. Yet this story may sound insane to many people. Still, I have a question I really feel should have an answer. I will ask it after I explain the story (even though it's the title). I met her online where you make poems and such, she read some of mine and wanted to message me. We began talking, and each day she just was quite intelligent than any other girls I've met even until now. After a month or two, we talked on the phone. She had a voice that was so adorable, she had conversations with me that could go on forever, and rarely anyone even understands the simple things I say in life. Just how will we spoke and feelings we shared, we couldn't help but fall into feelings of love. Yet, short time after awhile, she was starting school again and as she only lives a few states away, she didn't really feel like she would have time to talk to me and was wanting to hang out with people where she lives. Still, we did care about each other, and she knew I wanted to be with her, but before she left and wouldn't call me anymore, I told her that I promise I won't marry anyone else at least until I'm 18, and I was 14 then. So she was ok with that and I did keep my promise about near a thousand days, just not able to talk to her, dreaming of her, waiting on her, hoping to speak to her again. When I became 17, I called her again when I finally had a phone to use, and she was surprised I called, she thought I didn't really care and just moved on. Quickly, we feel into wonderful words, the love only was stronger than ever. Later, on the phone, and after what happened before with her, I didn't want to let her go again or before she would find another man, I asked her to marry me. She decided to get off the phone for a second and then sent me a picture I still have saying yes, and another saying she promises she'll always love me. Not long after... I did things I regret, I want saved then either, and I asked her for sexual things, I judged her all the time, I was being hypocritical, just many things. And suddenly one day she changed her mind about me from how I kept treating her that month. And she got upset and fussed, and blamed me for that, she said she cares but she just can't talk to me being how I was. I told her I would change but she wasn't going to believe it. So she left forever. That was 2010. Now, it's been over another thousand days, and when she left me I truly had a broken heart. She gave me a kind of love that no girl ever comes close to even in person. I can barely even believe I can marry someone now. She is always on my mind, I sent hours last night crying day till night, no joke. And I did find it that being an adult she has a real job, able to live with herself, but very recently idk if she is with someone or if she has moved. But... I don't feel like I would need or want any woman than her. Could I really find her again and maybe for the first time truly see her? Should I even try? ...when she broke my heart leaving me, I felt like being suicidal, she was really the only person who ever showed me love, and as she was gone, I felt no reason to live but as it seemed Jesus was the only one who would forgive me, love me, and change who I am, I was saved and would never kill l myself. So now, I wouldn't do the things that messed us up before. But.... should I just let her go forever or really try to get her back with me in love? ...or at least even say goodbye in a more gentle way...?
Here are my thoughts: the person you were when you met her should not be the man you have come to be. So it may be safe to assume that the emotions exchanged between the two of you were of a different nature than what would be expressed now. I am by no means trying to imply that you aren't capable of experiencing love at a young age. A child loves their parent, siblings, friends, etc. so a teen can love another teen romantically. However, when I was younger I used to always sit with my friends and we would say: "you will never love like your first love." well, thats true, and you shouldnt! The person you were when you first fell in love was younger and far more green. I can love with the same intensity I had with my first love but these days I love with wisdom. I love with a maturity. Its definitely different, but thats okay. You may be in love with the nostalgia of what you had with her. you may truly still be in love with her. The important thing is for you to accept that she may not feel the same. She may have moved on. can you handle that? If you contact her in effort to achieve a more amicable goodbye are you going to hope for more and be absolutely devastated if more is no longer an option? If the answer is yes, you may want to rethink contacting her. Now, lets say that she is single and willing to rekindle what the two of you shared years ago... please know that a significant amount of time has passed. You loved her as a young man and you would be doing her and yourself a major disservice if you don't make it your business to love her like a grown one. love her with wisdom, conviction, and passion. Love her as close as you can to how God loves you. Love is about giving. Its not about being the recipient of someones love but giving the gift of love. For God so loved the world he GAVE his only son. Love is a gift. If you plan to love anyone, be sure to master the art of giving, even if that means giving you and her the freedom to move on from the past. Above all, pray and ask God to give you wisdom and discernment on the matter. I wish you well!
 
A

Abster

Guest
#12
Bro, you were FOURTEEN. you've changed a whole lot more than your socks since yall met. So has she. (Well, hopefully yall have, otherwise we're talking about some scary stagnation issues.) By now you two should be such totally different people that there is likely not sufficient common ground to make anything work out.
You're now 22. You're still in the process of forming who you are. Be open to what can come next rather than stuck on the notion that you've missed your one chance at whatever. You're young and there is so much more yet to come.
I purposely try NOT to read comments before I reply so not to be influenced but I'm with you. I dont want to discount the love they shared but I am a far cry from the kid I was at 14 and 17 to the woman I am now at 33. Just saying...
 
C

Charcoal

Guest
#13
I purposely try NOT to read comments before I reply so not to be influenced but I'm with you. I don't want to discount the love they shared but I am a far cry from the kid I was at 14 and 17 to the woman I am now at 33. Just saying...
I, for one, am DELIGHTED to not be the boy I was at 14, at 17, or for that matter, the young man I was at 22. Come to it, I even prefer my 37 year old self to that version of me that was 33. The older I get, though, the less I change. God has been refining me, and while I know he is not done, I'm liking the outcome.
 
B

BugeyeSTi

Guest
#14
I was in a similar situation and several things that I learned come to mind.


What does God say? Pray about it with an open mind, ready to accept whatever outcome that He lays on your heart. Maybe He wants you to contact her again, maybe He doesn't, and only He knows that. Be honest with yourself and don't let your feelings for her get in the way of your decision that you make as it will only make it harder to decipher what the Lord is trying to tell you.

Are you ready to deal with the pain of rejection if it happens again? You're giving your heart hope again that things will work out and if they don't, be ready to face the pain. If you do contact her and things don't work out, don't expect the feelings to subside quickly either. It may take months or even years before you feel ready to venture out again if things go awry.

Regardless if you contact her or not, do you have anyone you are close to that you can share your thoughts/emotions with? Having someone who knows you, who can keep an eye on you is invaluable as they can often tell if things are not going in a good direction. For me, having someone close to talk to helps keep me on track as I can share when I feel hurt/scared or just having a hard time dealing with emotions.
 
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Ho11y

Guest
#15
You cried for hours over a girl you haven't talked to in years?? That's weird. Stop it.
 
H

Ho11y

Guest
#17
[video=youtube;NHXmxrJmHr8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHXmxrJmHr8[/video]
 
H

Ho11y

Guest
#18
[video=youtube;eR2w_8EIrT4]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR2w_8EIrT4[/video]
 

ServantStrike

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2013
3,461
56
0
#19
You cried for hours over a girl you haven't talked to in years?? That's weird. Stop it.
Ease up on him a little bit. I'm pretty sure he gets the message at this point, but posting endless New Girl videos (while amusing) probably isn't going to help him get over this any better. Seriously, you're comparing an insecure 20 something guy to a chick... that's not helping him at all.

Some guys fall in love really quickly. Faster than even the most desperate woman. I could be wrong, but that's been my experience as I've seen more than one guy do it.

Guys like that need to learn to deal with it though - they to learn how to guard their hearts and not allow themselves to go jumping to conclusions about where a relationship may go. It sounds like the OP may not have learned that lesson yet.


Xethea, you need to find a way to deal with this one bro.

The fact is this girl has almost assuredly moved on, and if she hasn't and she's actually willing to take you back, that would be an even bigger red flag. If she's still the same girl that responds to a marriage proposal that was delivered via phone with a cutesy text containing a picture, then that's not going to bode well is it?
 
H

Ho11y

Guest
#20
Ease up on him a little bit. I'm pretty sure he gets the message at this point, but posting endless New Girl videos (while amusing) probably isn't going to help him get over this any better. Seriously, you're comparing an insecure 20 something guy to a chick... that's not helping him at all.

Some guys fall in love really quickly. Faster than even the most desperate woman. I could be wrong, but that's been my experience as I've seen more than one guy do it.

Guys like that need to learn to deal with it though - they to learn how to guard their hearts and not allow themselves to go jumping to conclusions about where a relationship may go. It sounds like the OP may not have learned that lesson yet.


Xethea, you need to find a way to deal with this one bro.

The fact is this girl has almost assuredly moved on, and if she hasn't and she's actually willing to take you back, that would be an even bigger red flag. If she's still the same girl that responds to a marriage proposal that was delivered via phone with a cutesy text containing a picture, then that's not going to bode well is it?
No, no i'm not comparing him to a chick. I posted those videos after Charcoal posted the one with Bob Newheart. Then that reminded me of the new girl videos that were similar.

Carry on......