Do you want to outlive your spouse (to be), die before, or die after?

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cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,410
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#21
Oooooh is this another occasion to bring in the big black rain clouds of reality to wash away some fluffy romantic daydreams?

I have to agree with a lot of the other posters that spending much time thinking about your preference in something that's completely out of your control for a relationship you don't yet have is something that just doesn't seem worth the energy to many of us. There's only two practical actions that can come out of such consideration and I'm not sure either one are good (the two actions I see being deciding to commit suicide rather than live without your spouse or decide never to get married for fear of loss and that you'll face having to live without a spouse again (or desperately hurting someone if you're the one to go first)).

On a practical level, taking into consideration my personality, how I've chosen to live my life, and the standards I'd have for a potential spouse; I think it extremely unlikely that my future spouse will ever be anything but a figment of my imagination. As long as he exists only in my imagination then for all practical purposes we're going to die at the same time.

I'm coming to see that the questions that surround marriage and relationships tend to change a lot as we age and enter different stages of life. Someone 10-15 years younger than me is probably looking for someone to build a life and family with; single ladies my age are either panicked or coming to terms with the fact that they probably never will have children of their own (or else single parenting their children takes up all their time and energy; good single parents rock and we shouldn't forget about them); those 10-15 years older than me are probably looking mostly for companionship, security, and if I'm honest in 10-15 years I may be much more interested in finding someone with grown kids that can take care of me when I need it as I age.

I think I'll stop there before I descend into pessimism about growing old.... much of what I would think and say on that topic doesn't seem to allow for the fact that God is big enough to do miracles and still surprise me. Just say that one of the challenges of being an older single is to keep looking hopefully toward the future when there seem to be few positive milestones left to celebrate.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,000
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#22
When couples die together its mostly because both of them are involved in a head on car crash with no seatbelts....
I have to admit, she has a good point...
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,000
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#23
This thread is still lacking a Jesus juke. Most of the ones who would have provided it have moved on to other places on the internet, so I guess it's up to me...

I don't know who will die first, me or my... Hypothetical... Wife, but I do know that:

 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,000
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#24
Okay, okay, I'll post a serious reply... When I get home and have a real keyboard. Posting long replies on a phone is tedious.
 

BrotherMike

Be Still and Know
Jan 8, 2018
1,050
1,181
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#25
Wow... what a deep topic. I think if I wanted to die first I would feel selfish. We hear those stories of couples dying together and that would be the ideal but chances of that happening are slim. The most important thing is living the best life together with no regrets and since we are secured in Christ (equally yoked I assume) we would know that person is in a much better place... a celebration of a soul instead of mourning. It’s something I wouldn’t think about too much but to make the most of today and when God wants us home, it will be His time. When I pass away I want a praise and worship service cause that’s what I’ll be doing when it’s time to go home.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,000
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#26
Okay, the serious answer: This thread reminds me of something I read in a book one time. The book was Starwolves, a (fairly well written) science fiction novel. The main character had just found the love of his life, and lost her in a few days.

"Something occurred to him, almost as a shock, as he stood there in the dim corner of the landing bay. The crew members hurried about their duties. The fighters came in and the pilots departed to their own cabins. Life did go on, just as time did not hesitate even for an instant. The life that was Velmeran and Dveyella was dead and past but the life that was Velmeran alone remained, with duties and tasks to be done. Even if he had met death with her, or in her place, little else would have changed. That simple, self-evident realization had the ability to surprise, and he took it with him to the observation platform to gnaw on in his thoughts as he waited for the ship's departure.

Dveyella had said that he should recall her in happiness and joy, not in bitterness and sorrow. And as much as he was consumed in grief, as much as he would have liked to indulge in the self-pity of the belief that he would grieve forever, he knew that it would not always remain so. He had been surprised that life continued after her death because he had never envisioned a future without her, and he had tried to deny that he could live without her even as that dreaded future became present reality. But as long as he continued to live, he would continue to be challenged by the future."

I remember when my grandpa went to the hospital for the last time and didn't come back. That was more than three decades ago, and my grandma is still alive today. She had to learn to drive... that was unnerving for all of us, not just her. She had to keep track of money and bills. She did NOT have to mow the yard - she had four adult children who love their mamma. But there were a lot of things she had to learn how to do on her own.

So she did learn them, and she continued living. Life went on, and it still goes on.

If I find a nice lady and marry, I don't really have a preference as to which of us dies first. If she dies first, I intend to keep living what life is left for me. If it is me, I do hope she will continue with life. I hope she will not just stay home and spend all her time watching TV and wait for her life to end. I hope she actually lives instead of merely existing.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,739
868
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#27
Okay, the serious answer: This thread reminds me of something I read in a book one time. The book was Starwolves, a (fairly well written) science fiction novel. The main character had just found the love of his life, and lost her in a few days.

"Something occurred to him, almost as a shock, as he stood there in the dim corner of the landing bay. The crew members hurried about their duties. The fighters came in and the pilots departed to their own cabins. Life did go on, just as time did not hesitate even for an instant. The life that was Velmeran and Dveyella was dead and past but the life that was Velmeran alone remained, with duties and tasks to be done. Even if he had met death with her, or in her place, little else would have changed. That simple, self-evident realization had the ability to surprise, and he took it with him to the observation platform to gnaw on in his thoughts as he waited for the ship's departure.

Dveyella had said that he should recall her in happiness and joy, not in bitterness and sorrow. And as much as he was consumed in grief, as much as he would have liked to indulge in the self-pity of the belief that he would grieve forever, he knew that it would not always remain so. He had been surprised that life continued after her death because he had never envisioned a future without her, and he had tried to deny that he could live without her even as that dreaded future became present reality. But as long as he continued to live, he would continue to be challenged by the future."

I remember when my grandpa went to the hospital for the last time and didn't come back. That was more than three decades ago, and my grandma is still alive today. She had to learn to drive... that was unnerving for all of us, not just her. She had to keep track of money and bills. She did NOT have to mow the yard - she had four adult children who love their mamma. But there were a lot of things she had to learn how to do on her own.

So she did learn them, and she continued living. Life went on, and it still goes on.

If I find a nice lady and marry, I don't really have a preference as to which of us dies first. If she dies first, I intend to keep living what life is left for me. If it is me, I do hope she will continue with life. I hope she will not just stay home and spend all her time watching TV and wait for her life to end. I hope she actually lives instead of merely existing.
What a heartfelt consideration, in the scenario of you passing first. You want her to be happy.

Does this wishing of your spouse living life include with it her finding someone else to live life with? I suppose it wouldn’t matter to you because you wouldn’t be around to see it.

I’m pretty sure I’ve heard widows express that their now deceased loved one would want them to move on, to be happy.

That would be another interesting thread, on monogamy. Some people (most?) really only want that one person, and they have no desire of sharing their heart with another. They may see it as a betrayal of their loved one, even if it’s “death do you part.”

All these questions and more makes dying together (in old age), in my opinion, the best option.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
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#28
Wow... what a deep topic. I think if I wanted to die first I would feel selfish. We hear those stories of couples dying together and that would be the ideal but chances of that happening are slim. The most important thing is living the best life together with no regrets and since we are secured in Christ (equally yoked I assume) we would know that person is in a much better place... a celebration of a soul instead of mourning. It’s something I wouldn’t think about too much but to make the most of today and when God wants us home, it will be His time. When I pass away I want a praise and worship service cause that’s what I’ll be doing when it’s time to go home.
What a unique idea for a funeral. A worship service. Ironically, I wonder if this would help people through the grieving process? In the midst of their grief, praising God for His goodness, casting their cares upon the Lord.
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
3,594
1,310
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#29
We prayed a lot of times to ride out at the same time. Ideally by thunder.
If it's not granted, I'd probably prefer to go first. I find life way too stressful and depressing, and I am not looking forward to continuing alone. It would be different if we never met. I'd continue alone though if that's what Jesus wants. But I hope not.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,000
3,516
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#30
Does this wishing of your spouse living life include with it her finding someone else to live life with? I suppose it wouldn’t matter to you because you wouldn’t be around to see it.
That would depend on the lady.

My grandma was in her 40's when grandpa died. Now she's in her late 80's and has never shown any interest in finding another man.

Then there are elderly people I know who married and are quite happy together. *shrug*

If I died and my (hypothetical) wife did find a guy, well... she married me, so she must have good taste. I can trust her to choose another good one. :cool:
 

BrotherMike

Be Still and Know
Jan 8, 2018
1,050
1,181
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#31
What a unique idea for a funeral. A worship service. Ironically, I wonder if this would help people through the grieving process? In the midst of their grief, praising God for His goodness, casting their cares upon the Lord.
It’s not about me, it’s all about Him. It’s also a celebration that another soul is added to Heaven. Praising Him would give them peace and help heal any grieving. All the credit in my life is His.
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
4,967
1,414
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#32
That would depend on the lady.

My grandma was in her 40's when grandpa died. Now she's in her late 80's and has never shown any interest in finding another man.

Then there are elderly people I know who married and are quite happy together. *shrug*

If I died and my (hypothetical) wife did find a guy, well... she married me, so she must have good taste. I can trust her to choose another good one. :cool:
I was in my 30s when my husband died, and I can relate to your grandma. It’s sort of concluded, kids, grandkids...so there is really no reason to remarry.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
31,906
9,900
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Florida
#33
bicentennial man?

Wasnt that a story about a robot?

sorry can you explain for those of us who havent seen the movie. When couples die together its mostly because both of them are involved in a head on car crash with no seatbelts....
I think that was Robocop.
 

17Bees

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2016
979
562
93
#34
bicentennial man?

Wasnt that a story about a robot?

sorry can you explain for those of us who havent seen the movie. When couples die together its mostly because both of them are involved in a head on car crash with no seatbelts....
John Nash, the famous mathematician from Princeton and Carnegie IT and most famous for his mental illness and the movie "A Beautiful Mind" was made after was killed in a car accident with his wife. Both were ejected from the vehicle (both in their 80's) and killed. Neither were wearing seat belts
 
Mar 21, 2009
1,357
475
83
New York
#35
I am going to opt for living every time. However I will say this much. I think it might be more painful to be divorced after 23 years than a death of a spouse. In the divorce the person suffers the grief of being told they are no longer loved. In the death, that is just natural causes and you don't take that personally.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
31,906
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Florida
#36
I am going to opt for living every time. However I will say this much. I think it might be more painful to be divorced after 23 years than a death of a spouse. In the divorce the person suffers the grief of being told they are no longer loved. In the death, that is just natural causes and you don't take that personally.
I have suffered through a divorce and also the death of a spouse. Both were painful but perhaps the divorce was more painful.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,739
868
113
30
#37
Oooooh is this another occasion to bring in the big black rain clouds of reality to wash away some fluffy romantic daydreams?

I have to agree with a lot of the other posters that spending much time thinking about your preference in something that's completely out of your control for a relationship you don't yet have is something that just doesn't seem worth the energy to many of us. There's only two practical actions that can come out of such consideration and I'm not sure either one are good (the two actions I see being deciding to commit suicide rather than live without your spouse or decide never to get married for fear of loss and that you'll face having to live without a spouse again (or desperately hurting someone if you're the one to go first)).

On a practical level, taking into consideration my personality, how I've chosen to live my life, and the standards I'd have for a potential spouse; I think it extremely unlikely that my future spouse will ever be anything but a figment of my imagination. As long as he exists only in my imagination then for all practical purposes we're going to die at the same time.

I'm coming to see that the questions that surround marriage and relationships tend to change a lot as we age and enter different stages of life. Someone 10-15 years younger than me is probably looking for someone to build a life and family with; single ladies my age are either panicked or coming to terms with the fact that they probably never will have children of their own (or else single parenting their children takes up all their time and energy; good single parents rock and we shouldn't forget about them); those 10-15 years older than me are probably looking mostly for companionship, security, and if I'm honest in 10-15 years I may be much more interested in finding someone with grown kids that can take care of me when I need it as I age.

I think I'll stop there before I descend into pessimism about growing old.... much of what I would think and say on that topic doesn't seem to allow for the fact that God is big enough to do miracles and still surprise me. Just say that one of the challenges of being an older single is to keep looking hopefully toward the future when there seem to be few positive milestones left to celebrate.
No, it isn’t another occasion to rain on anyone’s parade. I forgot who said it, but it goes like this. “Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.” A lot of people squander the hope of others based in their misfortunes. They tell people tales of woe, only to discourage them.

This isn’t right, but as someone who has been spoken to and against with tales of woe and what “reality” is in their perception, I hold to what God says. I hope in God. Believe it or not, He vindicates me. What they said wouldn’t happen, such that God isn’t going to do this or do that, God often does exactly that . Why? Is it because He defends me? He honors me? Or is it an object lesson for them to start believing? I can tell you this, God is faithful and true.

I don’t focus on the fact they were proven wrong, instead I desire that they too would hope in God. Recently they themselves aired their apologies about how wrong they were to make a mockery of my faith in God to provide. I didn’t point it out, they knew it.

Hope is such a powerful motivator in the heart of man.

Thank you for sharing cinder. Maybe the milestones you should be looking at are not your own and instead the people around you that you can celebrate with? Relate to them and share in their victories, even in their possible failures so you can encourage them to go on. You can be a strength to those around you.

That or make new milestones. Like Seoulsearch was saying about always learning and growing. Maybe a new hobby would do you some good?

I think that you can always be useful if you’re following the Lord’s leading. You may not have a milestone ahead of you, but you can choose today to make a difference in the lives of others. In this way, you get to celebrate daily.

I don’t know how old you are or your whole story (what you have lived in life), but you seem to be somewhere in the middle. Like you said, the Lord can surprise you. Maybe that should be your prayer? “Lord surprise me. Show me Your goodness.”

I understand you may be quick to respond to me here, and what I was saying about hope, but I do hope you see that I am hoping to encourage you. Life’s not over if you’re still kicking. You’re here for a reason. Let the Lord lead you. I pray God opens your eyes, and leads you to a place of fulfillment. You shouldn’t squander people’s hopes, but neither should you not have any of your own. You mentioned a spouse... it could happen. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Stay hopeful and don’t let “realism” kill your dreams. Hope in the Lord.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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#38
I remember reading the Isaac.asimov story but not seeing the movie, hollywood tends to schmaltz things up a bit. I dont remember the robot marrying in the novella. Just that he became human.

sort of like pinnochio.

I do remember when Robin Williams died though, by hanging. He married three times I think his third wife found him. I dont think that was a great thing to find your husband dead. By his own hand or any other circumstance.

People that commit suicide often dont think of how bad it is for those they leave behind to find their body, especially if they dont even tell them first they might do it.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,684
2,774
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#39
John Nash, the famous mathematician from Princeton and Carnegie IT and most famous for his mental illness and the movie "A Beautiful Mind" was made after was killed in a car accident with his wife. Both were ejected from the vehicle (both in their 80's) and killed. Neither were wearing seat belts
eek..though they werent married, I do remember Princess Diana, her boyfriend and their driver all dying in a car crash in 1997. The bodyguard survived, only because he was wearing a seat belt.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,684
2,774
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#40
OP its not something I ever spend any time thinking about. sorry. I dont really do what-if situations. my faith is in who Im going to, (Jesus and heaven) not really in the here and how how long Im going to live on earth, as thats in God's hands. I dont do the euthansasia thing either.