Djness--I appreciate your honesty and understand where you're coming from. I've thought the same as you many times myself.
Many people here know my story--I was found in a cardboard box in a public place when I was about 3 days old in Seoul, Korea (hence the username.) I don't know anything about my birth mother, but I always envision her young and deeply troubled. There are no single mothers in Korea--the socially acceptable thing to do is to either abandon the child or kill it so that you do not disgrace your family.
If I would have had a way of talking to my mother back then, I would have told her, even from the womb, "Mama, it's ok. I understand. I know you're scared. You do what you need to do and God will take care of me either way. I still love you." And if she would have chosen her life over mine, so be it. The greatest love we can have is to lay down our life for another. If it would have been my life or hers, I often wish she would have chose her own. I do believe God would have made a fair judgment as to where He would have sent me.
As an adult, I was able to travel back to my orphanage and seeing all those kids waiting for families they'd probably never have kept me awake at night. Why God plucked me out of thousands, I have no idea, and it disturbs me greatly--a kind of "survivor's remorse", if you will.
I have gone through very hateful, rebellious stages in my life towards God. Who cares if Jesus died, I'd often think... I'm just one of gazillions of others and if I died today, it really wouldn't matter. If you have a huge lump of dough and tear off a small chunk, who even realizes that piece is missing? I still wrestle with these questions. Will God send me to heaven because I was raised in a Christian home and came to believe, but will He send all those kids I saw left behind to hell because they did not have that chance? I don't know.
To be honest, I have often gone through phases of not even caring about going to hell. What the hell, I would literally think. But then one day I heard a pastor say that hell is not just a place, but a condition. He said that he had no doubt that if you go to hell, the day will come when God puts you out of His mind forever, and chooses to forget that you even exist. I have also heard it said that you will never see another human being again, that it will be far beyond any maximum security isolation or segregation unit that exists here on earth.
THAT scared me. Sometimes I tell God, "Lord, you are my biggest obligation... but I don't think I really love you."
But the thought that I could never talk to God again and know that He hears me is what personally scares the literal hell out of me.
God bless you in your search, Djness. Keep asking your questions. And, if you should wish, ask God your questions above anyone else. If you can talk to anyone about it, you can talk to Him. I've said things to God that would literally freeze over my childhood church faster than a snowflake can fall to the ground, but for me, that's what I love about God. That good or bad, He listens to me (read the Psalms and prophets and you'll see that you can literally say anything to God, no matter how angry. Jeremiah said he wished he would have died before birth, that "my mother would have been my grave" because he was so frustrated with his calling. He was very angry that God wouldn't leave him alone. And even good people like David asked God to smash his enemies, making their wives widows and their children orphans, when we are told to "forgive, as God forgives us.")
I don't care what anyone says, that's pretty honest. Keep reaching, Djness. It's ok. Some of us are right there with you.
And Zao, no worries, we know you're heart, that you never intended any harm. Your posts are greatly appreciated for the thought you put into them, as well as the thoughts you stir up in the rest of us.