For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

seoulsearch · Nov 25, 2020

I completely agree that an ideal marriage would consist of a best friend who is the only person you talk to about certain things.

However, in my original post, when I said I was frustrated that I couldn't find anyone in the church to talk to, I should clarify that in this context, what I meant was that I was trying to find older women in the church whom I could ask advice without fear of shame or dismissal ("Just pray," "Just get more involved in church," "Just start serving others.")

Here's an example: What do you do when you're at a friend's house, and someone suddenly says, "Hey guys, watch this!" and they start playing a porn movie (and these are kids from your Lutheran high school.) And it's not just any porn movie. It's an anime "movie" where women are being sexually tortured by demonic creatures and then murdered either during or right after sex.

Now I realize that most anyone would say, "If something like that happens, just leave," or "You shouldn't have been there."

But it wasn't a party, and it wasn't something anyone could have predicted, because I had just gone over to talk with a friend, and one of his friends had put on the movie. I tried my best to ignore it (yeah, sure... How does one ignore something like that?)

And I did leave, but I remember being in a state of shock as I drove home, because at the time, I was just in my teens and I didn't even know these kinds of things existed. (And when I see our younger brothers and sisters here rave about Japanese anime, I'm always praying that they never get into this kind of stuff.)

I wished I had an older woman at the church I could ask about this, because I was literally shell-shocked -- Is this what guys wanted? Is this really what they watch in their spare time? How on earth am I going to get into a relationship with a guy, knowing that this is what's running through his head? I wanted to be able to ask a Christian woman with enough life experience to know that I wasn't acting out of rebellion or evil intention, and would be able to tell me more about how men think and what to expect if I ever got into a relationship with a guy.

I also needed someone to ask about how to stop experiment with eating disorder behaviors (not eating, eating too much, purging, obsession with calories, secretly buying Dexatrim and caffeine pills and taking them throughout the day,) because guys only liked thin girls. I needed to ask how to stop self-destructing, because when someone noticed the cuts on my arms -- and couldn't do anything to help -- I started cutting my ankles low enough to be hidden by socks and shoes. And I needed to ask someone who knew what to do when all the praying, praising, serving, and being at church 5-7 days a week just wasn't working. I would try to ask Christian women about some of the things I was struggling with, and they would either completely ignore what I just told them, as if I hadn't said anything at all, or would dismiss it by telling me just to pray, read my Bible more. I wanted to bring them my stacks of Bibles with all the notes written in the margins, or my piles of notebooks I'd filled during my hours of studying, but it wouldn't have done any good.

I started to keep track of all the classes, ministries, and church activities I was involved in NOT as a brag sheet, but as SELF-DEFENSE against people who always tell us we just need to do more, more, MORE. Just quit your job and devote your life to Christ and serve him full-time and then your life will be in perfect obedience to God!!! Yeah, right. Because most of the full-time ministers I'd talked to -- really talked to -- were suffering just as much, or a whole lot worse, than I was.

I needed to talk to someone who, at one point, was just as lost and broken as I was, but had heard everything the other good Christians had told me and tried it all, but it failed them, and yet somehow God helped them find a way through, so they could tell me exactly, step-by-step, how they did it.

I praise God for the few but compassionate people I did find, and even if they couldn't give me the answers I was seeking, they still were able to give me another piece of the puzzle I needed. I'm still in a process -- I certainly haven't arrived there yet.

But I told God that if He was ok with it, I wanted to be one of the people that others could talk to along their journey as well, no matter how difficult or intense the problem was, and if I didn't have an answer (I usually don't,) or if that person really needed to be talking to someone, that I could help them get to the next step in their walk.

This thread is also meant to be an encouragement to singles to stand up for yourself. Don't let other people make a blanket statement that works for them and talk to you as if you need to do exactly what they're doing or there's something wrong with you if you don't. Some people seem to tell us that we need to get married or we're incomplete. Others tell us that anyone who gets married is a sucker for the taking, and you're an idiot for even thinking of getting married.

This is just my own opinion, but I say, don't take the person at face value. Ask them why they think everyone should be like them. Ask them the tough questions, and ask them how they got through it. If they're going to insist that you should live your life a certain way, at the very least, they could give us some kind of USEFUL, SPECIFIC advice, rather than constantly repeat generic mandates. And if they can't or won't answer what seems like even the most basic questions (at least to me,) how can their advice really be taken seriously.

This thread is an example of what I would ask single people who insist that single life is best (it might be... for them... but not for others.) And if someone insisted I get married? I would want to have a conversation in which I could ask them, "Do you think marriage cures a porn addiction? Because a lot of people, single and married, struggle with this issue within the church. What do you YOU think, and what advice would you have for singles? Would YOU tell them that one of the GREAT reasons to get married is because it's going to SLAY the dragon of porn addiction the very night you get married?"

If someone gets aggressive about what I "need" to do with my life, I feel it's only fair to see if they can answer a few "simple" questions in return.

Above all, we as Christians do our best to follow God's calling for our life, despite what anyone else tries to tell us what we "should" be doing, and I wish you all the very best as we all try to figure this out... together.

I am truly surprised at how many people have been so brave as to answer this thread, and I am thankful to you all for sharing with and encouraging one another.

Let's keep the walk going! (And the discussion going in this thread.)

Encouragement · Nov 25, 2020

seoulsearch said:

I completely agree that an ideal marriage would consist of a best friend who is the only person you talk to about certain things.

However, in my original post, when I said I was frustrated that I couldn't find anyone in the church to talk to, I should clarify that in this context, what I meant was that I was trying to find older women in the church whom I could ask advice without fear of shame or dismissal ("Just pray," "Just get more involved in church," "Just start serving others.")

Here's an example: What do you do when you're at a friend's house, and someone suddenly says, "Hey guys, watch this!" and they start playing a porn movie (and these are kids from your Lutheran high school.) And it's not just any porn movie. It's an anime "movie" where women are being sexually tortured by demonic creatures and then murdered either during or right after sex.

Now I realize that most anyone would say, "If something like that happens, just leave," or "You shouldn't have been there."

But it wasn't a party, and it wasn't something anyone could have predicted, because I had just gone over to talk with a friend, and one of his friends had put on the movie. I tried my best to ignore it (yeah, sure... How does one ignore something like that?)

And I did leave, but I remember being in a state of shock as I drove home, because at the time, I was just in my teens and I didn't even know these kinds of things existed. (And when I see our younger brothers and sisters here rave about Japanese anime, I'm always praying that they never get into this kind of stuff.)

I wished I had an older woman at the church I could ask about this, because I was literally shell-shocked -- Is this what guys wanted? Is this really what they watch in their spare time? How on earth am I going to get into a relationship with a guy, knowing that this is what's running through his head? I wanted to be able to ask a Christian woman with enough life experience to know that I wasn't acting out of rebellion or evil intention, and would be able to tell me more about how men think and what to expect if I ever got into a relationship with a guy.

I also needed someone to ask about how to stop experiment with eating disorder behaviors (not eating, eating too much, purging, obsession with calories, secretly buying Dexatrim and caffeine pills and taking them throughout the day,) because guys only liked thin girls. I needed to ask how to stop self-destructing, because when someone noticed the cuts on my arms -- and couldn't do anything to help -- I started cutting my ankles low enough to be hidden by socks and shoes. And I needed to ask someone who knew what to do when all the praying, praising, serving, and being at church 5-7 days a week just wasn't working. I would try to ask Christian women about some of the things I was struggling with, and they would either completely ignore what I just told them, as if I hadn't said anything at all, or would dismiss it by telling me just to pray, read my Bible more. I wanted to bring them my stacks of Bibles with all the notes written in the margins, or my piles of notebooks I'd filled during my hours of studying, but it wouldn't have done any good.

I started to keep track of all the classes, ministries, and church activities I was involved in NOT as a brag sheet, but as SELF-DEFENSE against people who always tell us we just need to do more, more, MORE. Just quit your job and devote your life to Christ and serve him full-time and then your life will be in perfect obedience to God!!! Yeah, right. Because most of the full-time ministers I'd talked to -- really talked to -- were suffering just as much, or a whole lot worse, than I was.

I needed to talk to someone who, at one point, was just as lost and broken as I was, but had heard everything the other good Christians had told me and tried it all, but it failed them, and yet somehow God helped them find a way through, so they could tell me exactly, step-by-step, how they did it.

I praise God for the few but compassionate people I did find, and even if they couldn't give me the answers I was seeking, they still were able to give me another piece of the puzzle I needed. I'm still in a process -- I certainly haven't arrived there yet.

But I told God that if He was ok with it, I wanted to be one of the people that others could talk to along their journey as well, no matter how difficult or intense the problem was, and if I didn't have an answer (I usually don't,) or if that person really needed to be talking to someone, that I could help them get to the next step in their walk.

This thread is also meant to be an encouragement to singles to stand up for yourself. Don't let other people make a blanket statement that works for them and talk to you as if you need to do exactly what they're doing or there's something wrong with you if you don't. Some people seem to tell us that we need to get married or we're incomplete. Others tell us that anyone who gets married is a sucker for the taking, and you're an idiot for even thinking of getting married.

This is just my own opinion, but I say, don't take the person at face value. Ask them why they think everyone should be like them. Ask them the tough questions, and ask them how they got through it. If they're going to insist that you should live your life a certain way, at the very least, they could give us some kind of USEFUL, SPECIFIC advice, rather than constantly repeat generic mandates. And if they can't or won't answer what seems like even the most basic questions (at least to me,) how can their advice really be taken seriously.

This thread is an example of what I would ask single people who insist that single life is best (it might be... for them... but not for others.) And if someone insisted I get married? I would want to have a conversation in which I could ask them, "Do you think marriage cures a porn addiction? Because a lot of people, single and married, struggle with this issue within the church. What do you YOU think, and what advice would you have for singles? Would YOU tell them that one of the GREAT reasons to get married is because it's going to SLAY the dragon of porn addiction the very night you get married?"

If someone gets aggressive about what I "need" to do with my life, I feel it's only fair to see if they can answer a few "simple" questions in return.

Above all, we as Christians do our best to follow God's calling for our life, despite what anyone else tries to tell us what we "should" be doing, and I wish you all the very best as we all try to figure this out... together.

I am truly surprised at how many people have been so brave as to answer this thread, and I am thankful to you all for sharing with and encouraging one another.

Let's keep the walk going! (And the discussion going in this thread.)

Hi reading this really both touched and blessed me for so many different reasons and upon so many levels.This is the reality of life that you expressed here and thata one of the reasons why I am given the ability to encourage others by God because life is NEVER black and white..it is actually a range of greys inbetween the two colours and I love the transparency.This is the level of human experience for many of us and many of us go through stuff alone without anyone to share our struggle with.Either no one will bee able to understand....or no ones available or one just doesn't know where to turn..This is why I empathise with others because this us what life about and the grace if God,his mercy,compassion,care etc meets us at whatever level of brokeness or trauma of stress we are at...has to place a winner emoji onto that commentary..😊😊

Lanolin · Nov 25, 2020

wow growing up lutheran sounds kind of weird seoul, like it was a bit hypocritical when people preached one thing but did another.

I was thinking on this thread that ordinary people kind of think that celibate singles should be kept away like monks and nuns and impose all kinds of rules on themselves, but thats not the case cos whenver people do that they just automatically want to break them. I would have been a rebel nun!

sadly this porn thing seems prevalent in this day and age especially now its so easy to view it online and children get exposed very early to it. sex scenes in movies and even in books like novels you often arent prepared for.

I mean I know people do it and its part of life but its something that married couples need to do in private, when its exposed for all the world to see it kind of cheapens it. Otherwise people would just do it and invite everyone to watch.

I dont know about you but its kinda gross to see people copulating. when animals do it, Im like go do that somewhere else. I dont REALLY need to see that. The neighbours use to have these cats that they didnt bother to spay, and when mating season came round, it was annoying. They would carry on and fight and scratch each other. Also the constantly pregnant female cat eventually wore herself out with all the tomcats in the neighbourhood. so much drama!

Lanolin · Nov 25, 2020

not having an agony aunt when I was young meant I had to figure out a lot of things for myself too.
I have an older sister and the most advice I got from her about boy stuff that girls worried about was in her DOLLY magazines, where the editors would write about stuff like that.

eventually she moved on to COSMO magazines, which had sealed sections. There was also womens weekly magazines for the more matronly reader.

I dont know if there is actually a christian based equivalent of those kinds of womens magazines. i think a lot of them gave some bad advice and mixed messages!

Being an inveterate reader, I read a heap of fiction, and practically skipped YA novels and went into adult fiction. In fiction writers can write about feelings and details and their life that they cant ordinarily share with others in five minutes of meeting someone. Thoug I prefer true stories over fiction, things that actually happened and werent made up, many writers use fiction as a medium to express what they couldnt expose in real life.

but you need to seek those stories out, They arent the ones that are written just for entertainment.

Encouragement · Nov 25, 2020

Kireina said:

Hi I was blessed reading your comments in a special way because from my own experience as well as what I have seen others go through...many of us have various degrees of things we have to battle through to victory and with Gods help also maintaining it afterwards.I know just how much it can be a battle and it is almost unnatural to be having to fight against and resist the pleasurable sensual desires that are actually created by God to be part of who and what you are...yet with Gods divine help we do overcome.Yet many times ones will power isnt always strong enough at times to give us the victory.
I find it difficult at times to tolerate those who at times cannot empathise with the struggles of others in the way that God doez.Yet I know that we all have different life experiences,levels of self control..coping mechanisms ect.Thanks for your transparency and i am sure someone here will read it and be blessed.👍😊😊😊

Lanolin · Nov 26, 2020

You know how Jesus hinted we would be as angels in heaven?
well angels are genderless and dont reproduce or marry. And they have spiritual bodies not fleshly bodies.

When I think of this calling or gift from God, a few times Im reminded of being like the angels.
The thing with angels as they are messengers and cant be tied down. If its your calling to lift others up, and often its even to do things invisibly so that people dont even know its you that does them.

You cant do that if you are constantly distracted with earthly and fleshly things. And in many marriages since your focus is just one ONE spouse and your offspring, in many ways you either end up negelcting them if you care for others or care for them to the exclusion of everyone else who isnt related to you.

Lanolin · Nov 26, 2020

regarding the 'pleasurable sensual desires'
if you struggle with this its because the 'high' that you are getting is kinda the same as a drug.

Now people say that the high from heroin or crack or weed or even alcohol is what they are after, and porn acts in the same way. and there is no question that people feel like a user and dirty afterward, but some will constantly crave and do anything for their next hit.

Now God did give us pleasure centres in our brains and bodies, but they were never meant to be used and abused so that we become enslaved by them. If this is something that you are struggling with there are powerful prayers to deliver you.

of course if we were magically immune to all temptations we would not need to wear any clothes at all.

kinda · Nov 26, 2020

You know what I was thinking? I was thinking we should have another topic on relationships or marriage, and what do you know?!?!

Did any one mention chocolate? MMMMhhh, chocolate...

Lanolin · Nov 26, 2020

no...I dont think I mentioned chocolate...
let's start a chocolate thread.

Did you know that it was Quakers who founded cadburys in England. If you were a poor christian in the 1800s you would be doing quite well to be working in the chocolate factory.

GaryA · Nov 26, 2020

Lanolin said:

Of course, it might get pretty uncomfortable running around naked in the cold temperatures during the dead of winter...

(I know what you mean...)

true_believer · Nov 26, 2020

This is a very complex topic.
Sexual desire is a natural part of human biology and psyche. Suppressing it is just as unhealthy as letting it run unbridled.

G00WZ · Nov 29, 2020

seoulsearch said:

I don't label myself as single or think about it to be honest. Think back to when you were a little kid, did you call yourself single then?
I know for me i didn't, and i still don't. I don't think about it. When i do think about the term "single" i think about people
who lack. What i do is i focus on the things that matter to me. I make my world simple yet abundant by cutting out things that People have told me all of my life that i need and lack, that i clearly have no desire to have.

Sex and romance is pretty much oversold and suggested everywhere. I guess what did it for me was realizing this and seeing just how old and played out it really is. One of a persons most valuable assets is their attention, and i just feel like those things don't deserve mine. I see myself as a higher value so i just flat out refuse to give "tributes" or any type of freebies to anyone or anything, so i don't masturbate or watch porn. I used to, do all of those fun things, but im just not with that anymore. The goal for me wasn't to just quit and be a good Christian, but with me its more of a case of value. Gold and garbage don't mix, and i don't cotton much to garbage telling me that i should give myself to it if that makes any type of sense.

As for advice i don't really know what to tell a person. I personally don't judge a person for mistakes until they learn.
You do have to make mistakes in life to learn, even if the same mistake is made over and over again until a better way is found,
so it would be stupid to just tell a person "stop because that's bad".I would tell them to consider them self
find, learn, and know/build on their value and make a decision, and challenge self to see things differently.

And for marriage, i am neither for it or against it, to me it is just what it is, a choice.
To me i see nothing of value in doing it for myself, but it might be something of value for the next person.

Kim82 · Nov 29, 2020

cinder said:

I dont believe that you should pretend that sex doesnt exist, that would be silly and delusional. But what Scribe said has certainly worked for me. I also avoide dressing in sexy tight clothing inorder to not attract unwanted attention.

I dont dress unattractively, but I like being modest. And I believe that the man that is right for me is one that would be attracted to modesty. So Im quite happy for whichever men i may have turned off along the way by the way i dress. If dressing sexy would get me married today, I would choose to be single. Sexyness is a private matter, not for public display.

So as Christians, we need to tone it down a bit, how we dress, what we contantly watch and listen to, our conversations and even the matter of flirting, these can all keep us defeated.

Sexual feelings are real and natural. But God gives us self control, we just need to be wise and know how to not feed into it.

Encouragement · Nov 29, 2020

Kim82 said:

Yes and my goodness the way i have seen some women dress going to church I do think to myself...are you serious???..like ..I have see the following...
"tight miniskirts..seriously tight figure hugging dresses deliberately worn to maximise chest and butt areas,,tight tops enhancing their boobs,fishnet stockings with high heels,..worst in the summer...bits and pieces hanging out...
what on earth is going on....🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️..some are married too....they look like they are going to a nightclub to pull a man..shocking...🙄🙄
Theres a big difference between choosing to sexualise your image and just being a naturally beautiful woman ect..coz there are many women/men who even I they were wrapped in a blanket would still look stunning..

Kim82 · Nov 29, 2020

Encouragement said:

The pastors and worship leaders dress that way as well. They are incapeble of teaching a single person how to live for Jesus.

Ex pastor Carl Lentz was so sexy, it got the better of him when he decided to cheat on his wife. The message he sent was that, marriage does not help with satisfying the flesh, you still need to look elsewhere.

Being single is a great time to deal with lust. Learn self control and contentment before marriage, and you'll do well, by the help of God.

Encouragement · Nov 29, 2020

Kim82 said:

Yes unfortunately these things do happen in Christian marriages.I know a guy whose wife met a guy online and left him..he was devastated..
Yes when single there are area of our lives that God wants to help us with..but sexual struggles can even continue when you married too..It varies.
Sexual struggles..some set up by the enemie do happen and males in positions in leadership roles are often targets too...this is why many pastor ls can be very cautious with women to avoid false sexual allegations ect..often having their wife present when having a meeting with a female of just another person there so that they are not alone with a woman

Belka · Dec 13, 2020

Very interesting thread, seoul!

For me, a few things (that I suggest to everyone):

- not even entertaining those thoughts + avoiding all sexual stuff (movies, music, books, etc.)

[2 Cor 10:5 (BSB) We tear down arguments and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.]

- if thoughts/desires do arise, being radical by imagining Jesus being whipped in detail, and imagining His pain (it may sound morbid, but it's very effective). I GREATLY encourage anyone and everyone to read the following article: Passion for Purity vs. Passive Prayers (it explains this concept/tip/weapon)

- additionally, immediately going into prayer/worship when tempted, especially out loud. Proclaiming the truth found in the Scriptures (reciting verses) and shifting my attention by choosing to crucify my flesh and getting in the Spirit. (If you can speak in tongues, it also greatly helps to fight off temptation and strengthen the inner-man/spirit.)

When we make a decision out of our own will to honor Him, He always empowers us & gets us through. Sexual sin is no different.

For example: "I am a new creation in Christ Jesus; I am the righteousness of God in Jesus; I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loved me and gave Himself for me; I walk in the light and not in the darkness; I have been cleansed and purified from all sin; I am no longer a slave to sin; I have crucified my flesh and now live in the Spirit; I am no longer under the law of sin and death but I am alive to God in Christ Jesus; My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit... I abide in You, Lord! Thank You Father for setting me free, I worship You and honor You. He whom the Son sets free is free indeed! I am free! I am a son/daughter of the Most High God. No weapon formed against me shall prosper! In Jesus' name, Hallelujah" etc.

- a really important and often overlooked practice: seeking deliverance (casting out of demons). If you are too afraid to do it on yourself, contact someone who can (there are even some ministries online who can do that for you for free, through Skype or whatever - it works). Sometimes sexual sins are caused by demonic entities (especially addictive/compulsive ones). It is possible to do deliverance on yourself (I have done it before). Learn about spiritual warfare and get rooted in your identity as a son/daughter of God and understand that you are righteous through faith and not through works. Then bind the spirit(s) and command them to leave you. Do that for as long as necessary and do not be afraid. Have faith that God will move on your behalf and deliver you.

Derek Prince has some really solid teachings on the matter, one of which I heavily suggest: How to Be Delivered (there's a prayer for deliverance at the end which is very effective, but not for the faint of heart). + You can literally watch deliverance videos online, it works as well - tested it on myself and several others : )

Another thing that can help if you're regularly struggling with the same sin, is confessing it to another believer (vocally, preferably in person) and then repenting of it out loud, and letting that other person pray for you. [This is based on James 5:16 (BSB) Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail.]

- finally, one that's not really spiritual and might not be very effective: distraction. Just getting up and running/working out/doing whatever to clear your head and change your focus.

I hope this will help someone. You CAN walk in victory! Don't give up : ) Our LORD is mighty and powerful. His precious Spirit is there to help us and deliver us when we're struggling. Don't settle for mediocrity! Let us seek purity and holiness in all our ways, dear brothers and sisters.

PS. Overall the most encompassing advice/tip I can give is to fill yourself with the Lord's presence and fellowship with the Spirit so much that no sin can be produced in you. If your cup is filled with HIM, there will be no space for anything else. So instead of seeking to empty yourself from darkness, fill yourself with light to such an extent that the darkness will have to flee. (That being said, I do heavily encourage everyone to go through deliverance regularly.)

Blessings~

Belka · Dec 13, 2020

Oh and, one last thing - the more you fellowship with the Lord and the more you let yourself be loved by Him, the less you will experience fleshly lusts/desires. I know that "sexual desire" in itself is not sinful, however it is possible to get virtually rid of it entirely if you walk in the Spirit as much as possible [Gal 5:16 (BSB) So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.]

The question is... Do you want to? Are you ready to crucify your flesh and consider your fleshly members dead?
[Col 3:5 (ESV) Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.]

This is certainly challenging but I think it's important to ask ourselves these questions and examine ourselves.

And, as some others have mentioned, sexual temptation/sin doesn't simply go away in marriage. So it is imperative to deal with it no matter if you're single or married.

true_believer · Dec 13, 2020

Encouragement said:

This is why if I ever get married, I will be sure that my spouse has access to all my electronic devices(i.e. Cell phone, laptop) and vice versa to keep temptation at bay.

TheIndianGirl · Dec 13, 2020

true_believer said:

Agreed. However, if my spouse is checking my cell phone and latop, going through my texts, in secret (spying on me) that would be a problem.

For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

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