For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

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Gideon300

Active member
Mar 18, 2021
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Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?
Some people have a very low sex drive, a natural condition that is neither good or bad. Those people find it easy to stay single. For those with normal sex drive, marriage is the best solution. Unless you hide away from life, incitements to lust are everywhere, at least in the Western world. I gave up going to the beach years ago for that reason.

I'll be 70 in a week. I've been single for 25 years. I was not interested in remarriage. However, I have recently asked someone I've known for long time to marry me. We've grown closer over the years and we are now more than just friends. People do change, and the avowedly single can change, as I have.
 

oyster67

Senior Member
May 24, 2014
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I just got done reading all the posts on this thread. So many scars from past injuries and loneliness and rejection. I feel like I just crashed in here like a bull in a china shop. I'm sorry if I came across as insensitive.

I feel like the Lord wants me to tell you that you are all winners and overcomes through Christ and His blood He shed because HE LOVES YOU!!! When He's all ya got, He is all you need! He has brought us all safely through the storm and eternal glory looms large before us! Nothing can snatch us from His loving arms now, for we are passed from death unto life. Let go of the worries and cares of this life. "All the needless pain we bare, all because we do not carry everything to Him in prayer" . No I am not blue-skying it. It is not too good to be true. This is our glorious reality TODAY!:D PTL!

Hebrews
12:1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of [our] faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
6,454
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Some people have a very low sex drive, a natural condition that is neither good or bad. Those people find it easy to stay single. For those with normal sex drive, marriage is the best solution. Unless you hide away from life, incitements to lust are everywhere, at least in the Western world. I gave up going to the beach years ago for that reason.

I'll be 70 in a week. I've been single for 25 years. I was not interested in remarriage. However, I have recently asked someone I've known for long time to marry me. We've grown closer over the years and we are now more than just friends. People do change, and the avowedly single can change, as I have.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding :)
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
11,172
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I have never understood the excruciating desire to experience childbirth. I was so young when it happened that I can't remember a thing.:unsure::giggle::coffee:

Seriously, the Lord has given me perfect peace about where I am at. Perhaps it is easier for Christian men to accept than women? Being close to one another will be much easier in the future than it is in this present time of distress.

1 Corinthians
7:25 Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful.
7:26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, [I say], that [it is] good for a man so to be.
there is a reason why they dont show all the gory details on tv.
For some strange reason the making of babies is preferable to the production of them.
After nine months of vomiting and lethargy and cravings and then sleepless nights. who are people kidding.

I have totally blanked out any memory of my life before two. It must have been traumatic for everyone.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,976
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2 Samuel
11:9 But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house.
11:10 And when they had told David, saying, Uriah went not down unto his house, David said unto Uriah, Camest thou not from [thy] journey? why [then] didst thou not go down unto thine house?
11:11 And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? [as] thou livest, and [as] thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing.
11:12 And David said to Uriah, Tarry here to day also, and to morrow I will let thee depart. So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow.
11:13 And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.
Oyster,

I'm sorry, but I didn't understand this post in response to someone asking you why you didn't marry a woman you loved.

Are you saying that you found it too important to serve the Lord rather than get married?

Again, I apologize, but I wasn't sure what this passage had to do with choosing not to get married, since it talks about someone who is already married but chose not to go and spend time with his wife in the face of war.
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
6,454
5,044
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Oyster,

I'm sorry, but I didn't understand this post in response to someone asking you why you didn't marry a woman you loved.

Are you saying that you found it too important to serve the Lord rather than get married?

Again, I apologize, but I wasn't sure what this passage had to do with choosing not to get married, since it talks about someone who is already married but chose not to go and spend time with his wife in the face of war.
I didn't understand either but did not want to ask any further questions.:unsure:
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,976
3,205
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I have pondered removal of my genitalia as an option, but if I recall the bible says that's wrong too 🤷‍♂️ so I'm completely at a loss. I guess I just go to hell and that's that.
Koji,

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I was sad to read your post, but it was out of an understanding of how you must feel. I actually saw a video of a man who is trying to convince doctors to remove his genitals (for other reasons than religious,) and from what I've seen, they have refused to try (I was actually relieved to hear this,) because of how many other vital biological functions this would potentially destroy.

I do know that God understands and forgives sexual sin.

I often wonder what the situation was with the woman at the well -- she'd had 5 husbands and now a current boyfriend. Perhaps she suffered from what would be labeled today as Sex & Love Addiction? I personally don't believe that such things have "suddenly appeared" within modern culture -- I suspect many of the issues people struggle with today have been found from the beginning of human history (just look at Solomon -- he had collected at least 1,000 women and it wasn't enough,) but it just took us this long to label them.

Whether this applied to the Samaritan woman or not, Jesus thought so much of her that she was one of the very few people He chose to reveal his true identity to, and He encouraged her to keep seeking God and to turn from her sins.

I pray that God will encourage you to keep doing the same, Koji.

Don't give up! :)
 

oyster67

Senior Member
May 24, 2014
5,826
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since it talks about someone who is already married
Yes. that is the point. Paul and you and I are presently in a battle and people need us to be there for them in a way that would not be possible if we were married with children and houses and lands to take care of. We have it much easier than poor Uriah who was off to war when David raped His wife. Jesus came from Heaven and became a man to save men. The least I can do is remain single to comfort and minister to the single.

We are in a time of great distress and spiritual battles...
1Corinthians 7:26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, [I say], that [it is] good for a man so to be.

We have a choice about how to invest our short time on this Earth...
1Corinthians
7:32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
7:33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please [his] wife.
7:34 There is difference [also] between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please [her] husband.
7:35 And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.

Let us think of our singleness as a privilege and opportunity rather than a burden. Let us put our sexuality problems at His feet and leave them there. We are all washed white as snow and are virgins again. It is Ok to stay that way this time around. It is a choice.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
11,172
4,032
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well in olden days they really did castrate men. Men can also get vasectomeys, and women hysterectomies, or their tubes tied.
In some cultures female circumcision is still practiced, otherwise, in the 60s the pill was made widely available, although I dont really know how many women actually take it, or what the long term effects of that was (cancer?) , diaphragms, Iuds, or plain old condoms.

Nowadays you can get a stick or patch inserted in your arm that stops you from having children.

But all this is for people that want to have sex but dont want the responsibility. I dont know how much all this contraception costs them?!

For those of us who can contain ourselves, all this isnt actually necessary.
it also costs a lot to have children cos you might find out you are infertile anyway and have to have IVF treatments or what not and THEY costs a bundle. And not just the financial cos but the emotional cost, especially if you lose a child (miscarriage etc) and of course abortions. Lots of women have them still.

Imagine every time you fall pregnant, the anxiety of deciding what to do with your child. and you could fall pregnant every year that you are married/coupled up. If you decide to go with more than one man because you arent married, you might not even know who the father is.

all I can think of is this the life God wants me to have. I dont think so.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
11,172
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I remember one married man at work had four daughters, and he was always complaining a lot about the diifucties of raising them, his wife got postnatal depression and he had to have two jobs, and the youngest was special needs.
One of my workmates was blunt and told him he shouldnt place a huge burden on his wife like that. She told him 'cut it off!' lol

They really needed a nanny or someone to help them out, but their parents and parents in law were too old and needed care too.
 

Kojikun

Well-known member
Oct 5, 2018
3,983
2,493
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I just got done reading all the posts on this thread. So many scars from past injuries and loneliness and rejection. I feel like I just crashed in here like a bull in a china shop. I'm sorry if I came across as insensitive.

I feel like the Lord wants me to tell you that you are all winners and overcomes through Christ and His blood He shed because HE LOVES YOU!!! When He's all ya got, He is all you need! He has brought us all safely through the storm and eternal glory looms large before us! Nothing can snatch us from His loving arms now, for we are passed from death unto life. Let go of the worries and cares of this life. "All the needless pain we bare, all because we do not carry everything to Him in prayer" . No I am not blue-skying it. It is not too good to be true. This is our glorious reality TODAY!:D PTL!

Hebrews
12:1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of [our] faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
No biggie, we know your trying to help :)
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
17,424
4,410
113
I just got done reading all the posts on this thread. So many scars from past injuries and loneliness and rejection. I feel like I just crashed in here like a bull in a china shop. I'm sorry if I came across as insensitive.
Let any who have not done the same cast the first stone.

I got no stones to throw. I've done the same thing myself. I think we all have.
 

true_believer

Active member
Sep 24, 2020
433
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I definitely don't consider myself to be a champion of singleness, but I have found that it's just easier(and mentally satisfying) to be single rather that with someone who doesn't share your beliefs or respects you. I had a bad experience with my previous relationship and I am very weary of this modern dating world. Things are even more complicated with the pandemic and I am pretty fed up with online dating, to a point that I simply focus of bettering myself and preparing myself for the married life, so to speak)) I have been reconnecting with Christianity since the last year, it's a long story. And although I've never really struggled with being single or celibate, I have come to accept that I have developed some not-so-desirable habits to cope with my sexual nature. Sometimes my brain goes places that makes me feel really guilty, but at least I understand where some of that "inspiration" has come from. I understand that consistent praying and shifting your mindset to the character you want to become will help in those situations.. but I just know ahead that my animalistic nature will try convince me to be impulsive and selfish towards the present moment and give in at times. The only thing I kind of worry about is when I eventually marry, is how much, which parts I need to suppress from my husband(or should I) when it comes to acting out on sexual desires. I can't simply trust the word of men anymore. My dad taught me to judge man's character by his actions, as they speak louder than words. During the courting stage, I want to be honest too about myself, but it gets complicated when you start thinking about intimacy. For men, from what I hear anyway, know almost right away how serious they are about you. I think being born in Eastern Europe instilled more traditional outlook on relationships, and I keep praying that I will find my future husband soon and I can become the woman that God meant for me to be. I hope this made some sense )) I am just sharing what's on my mind right now and I can relate that there are days when you feel things you want are so out of reach, but having faith is what gets me though. "There is a season for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens"
The dating pool today is definitely akin to a swamp or sewer.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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The dating pool today is definitely akin to a swamp or sewer.
nah its more like off the coast of australia. if you dodged all the crocs, then sharks, jellyfish and stingrays to reproduce, you end up laying your eggs in the sand, only to have them eaten by seagulls.
 

DeanM

Active member
May 4, 2021
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I was married 32 years until my wife passed in '15. Pretty used to living alone and I doubt I will marry again. Of course a cute young chick around 60 years old might change my mind. 😂
 

GaryA

Truth, Honesty, Love, Courage
Aug 10, 2019
3,481
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mywebsite.us
Of course if most of the good people want to stay out of it, how will it improve?
why should me or anyone else get into it?
It won't improve until the number of quality people improves.
I think you guys are missing her point. She is talking about the 'pool' - not about how much it is a 'swamp'.

She is saying - if all the "good people" stay out of the pool (i.e. - don't date), how will it help the overall condition of the pool to be better than just a swamp.

WBM - I understand that you are in effect saying:

"Why would anyone want to swim in shark-infested waters?"

TB - what you said is actually very similar to what she said.
 

true_believer

Active member
Sep 24, 2020
433
240
43
I think you guys are missing her point. She is talking about the 'pool' - not about how much it is a 'swamp'.

She is saying - if all the "good people" stay out of the pool (i.e. - don't date), how will it help the overall condition of the pool to be better than just a swamp.

WBM - I understand that you are in effect saying:

"Why would anyone want to swim in shark-infested waters?"

TB - what you said is actually very similar to what she said.
No. The reason there aren't many good people in the dating dating pool are for two reasons, someone with good sense already has snared them and people of good character and personality traits for long term relationships aren't in great supply in the 21st century