L
A few months ago I came to a decision based on my faith that I would no longer seek a partner and family in my life. I gave it up with the grace and faith the lord gave me when I asked him to take away this debilitating desire and longing for what I didn't have. I had never felt so my joy and peace in my life.
And then I had to go to another town for a project with another artist (I'm an artist too). I had signed up to the project months ago, and the first time I met him for a briefing I had a crush on him to my horror. I was absolutely dreading going back there after I had found all this peace, because I knew if I spent a week with a non-christian I would be painfully affected and it would just be another painful battle I was so exhausted from going through for the past 5 yrs. I just wanted no one in my life, to hide in my studio and just enjoy the lords peace. I was entirely content and happy with that and I didn't want this person to ruin it.
So I went, and spent a week with this guy. And for 3 of the days I was very ill with a stomach complaint, but I battled through it. This meant I had to stay in this guys house instead of the hotel provided, because I was so weak. He was very respectful of me and normal which was good. During the last few days I had this immense freedom and peace I believed was from God because I was seeking him soo much and trusting in him in the same way I was before I visited. While I was up there I had never felt so peaceful before in my life, it was incredible. Then when I came home, still feeling wonderful about everything, I came to the conclusion that perhaps the lord wanted to show his grace to me by allowing me to be friends with someone even non-christian, and still be able to have peace and separation from his effect on me. That maybe the lord didn't want me to isolate myself. I am the kind of person who naturally fears god more than I should, and have a hard time trusting in his Grace. I am always striving to do everything right and fearful of slipping up and being condemned or punished. So I thought maybe God wants me to relax and trust in his Grace, and be at peace about being friends with this non-christian, so that I don't end up tripping up through my misery in cutting people off and trying to do it by my own strength. I don't know what to do, because I am so afraid if I just relax I will fall into a ditch with this man and end up being dragged away without even knowing it until I am well and truly messed up. I am so tired of struggling through life, and tasting just the od drop of joy. I am so angry I ever met this person and have to struggle soo much to once again let him go, like I had to with every other person outside my family, because I have never met another true believer. What attitude should I take? If I relax and believe in gods grace, I am happy and feel much less bothered about this guy, but it's a struggle to stay in this faith (if that;s even what it is). I wanted to do things differently this time, and not have to go through months of depression. If that is the way then I will refuse to have anything to do with anyone for the rest of my life aside from customers. It's too painful.
And then I had to go to another town for a project with another artist (I'm an artist too). I had signed up to the project months ago, and the first time I met him for a briefing I had a crush on him to my horror. I was absolutely dreading going back there after I had found all this peace, because I knew if I spent a week with a non-christian I would be painfully affected and it would just be another painful battle I was so exhausted from going through for the past 5 yrs. I just wanted no one in my life, to hide in my studio and just enjoy the lords peace. I was entirely content and happy with that and I didn't want this person to ruin it.
So I went, and spent a week with this guy. And for 3 of the days I was very ill with a stomach complaint, but I battled through it. This meant I had to stay in this guys house instead of the hotel provided, because I was so weak. He was very respectful of me and normal which was good. During the last few days I had this immense freedom and peace I believed was from God because I was seeking him soo much and trusting in him in the same way I was before I visited. While I was up there I had never felt so peaceful before in my life, it was incredible. Then when I came home, still feeling wonderful about everything, I came to the conclusion that perhaps the lord wanted to show his grace to me by allowing me to be friends with someone even non-christian, and still be able to have peace and separation from his effect on me. That maybe the lord didn't want me to isolate myself. I am the kind of person who naturally fears god more than I should, and have a hard time trusting in his Grace. I am always striving to do everything right and fearful of slipping up and being condemned or punished. So I thought maybe God wants me to relax and trust in his Grace, and be at peace about being friends with this non-christian, so that I don't end up tripping up through my misery in cutting people off and trying to do it by my own strength. I don't know what to do, because I am so afraid if I just relax I will fall into a ditch with this man and end up being dragged away without even knowing it until I am well and truly messed up. I am so tired of struggling through life, and tasting just the od drop of joy. I am so angry I ever met this person and have to struggle soo much to once again let him go, like I had to with every other person outside my family, because I have never met another true believer. What attitude should I take? If I relax and believe in gods grace, I am happy and feel much less bothered about this guy, but it's a struggle to stay in this faith (if that;s even what it is). I wanted to do things differently this time, and not have to go through months of depression. If that is the way then I will refuse to have anything to do with anyone for the rest of my life aside from customers. It's too painful.