frustrated

[Rissa77]

From what I could gather from your posts your love language is "gifts". (If you haven't read the book "The Five Love Languages" - do.) And it doesn't mean you're trying to show off, that's just how you naturally respond in your relationships. I'm also guessing that your second love language is quality time - or the two may be so close you don't know which one is dominant. But as everyone has their own love language try a little more to respond in their love language until they are comfortable enough to accept yours.

That book is very insightful. I agree. You sound like a gift person. But to me, your second sounds like words of affirmation. Introverts are picky about quality time and only enjoy it with certain people.

That book also explains how we can better understand each other through our love languages (romantic and not). Everyone does this anyway, but they come from a different perspective. When you start to get to know someone, you find out their likes and dislikes. Say she doesn't like to be touched. Okay, so you stay away from that dislike. You compensate by finding out what she does like. Her primary love languages obviously aren't physical touch. It may be last on her list. And even if it may be high on yours, showing affection that way is not going to work. You have to figure out what her primary languages are. Say she likes to hang out more than anything. You never have to do anything, it's just she likes it when you hang out and talk with her. That means her primary LL is quality time, and in order to show her affection that she will respond to, you need to spend time with her. She finds value in that.

Once you have an understanding of each other's LLs, you won't have to restrict yourself so much. She will understand you value gifts, and will better understand your tendency toward giving. She will be able to appreciate the gesture better, knowing that it means a lot to you. But you have to be able to work within each other's LLs. Like dying to self, being selfless. We know these attributes but are sometimes so baffled into how to do it in a way that pleases the other. Studying one's LLs can help get you on the right track.

I hope I'm making sense. lol You can find more information and the test of the 5 LLs here: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

 

[zeroturbulence]

I have my own like and want, and despite women's inclination as you say I will not change who I am as I am happy this way.

That is good then. I guess the main point I was really trying to get across is that a woman wants a man who is a leader, someone who gives them a certain sense of calm and security. I am not talking about financial security but of an inner strength that shows through somehow.

 

[christine-j]

ok meri i can help you with this one see women want the best of both worlds a man they can ask advice from to get a male perspective and a girlfriend they can do stuff with it just so happens my friend that you fall in to both roles but dont worry in the end all women want to be able to marry their best friend so theres still hope for you its just finding the right woman
now maybe you can answer one for me why are some men so afraid to give there heart away to a good woman

 

[Meridoc]

lol I wish I could tell you , I never understood the male stupidity in that area

 

[polarguyinak]

I feel the need to vent.

The last frustration I will share at this time is just something I don't understand and others around me either don't understand either or are not willing or interested to explain it to me. For whatever reason there is something about who I am that leads women be interested in me but then not want to date me. They don't want to jeopardize our friendship, cause for some reason I am too valuable as a friend, or something. The only people I have gone out with were people I didn't become friends with first. I don't know if anyone feels like I do, but I have come to the conclusion either I am an alien or some sort of third gender.

Boy, do I know what you mean. That's pretty much how it is for me.. water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. All sorts of the most Godly, charismatic, fun, even incredibly beautiful girls have expressed interest, but unltimately have no interest in dating because you are in the "friend zone". Which is lame, because THAT's where I find I really get to know and love someone. Not through some shallow, ignorant pass...

I am not interested in dating someone I don't know. NO INTEREST.

Sadly, by the time I get to know someone, I'm in the friend zone. I've gotten close to gettting out of it, but frankly, it doesn't seem to work. I've even had to end a friendship because while she was falling into friendship with me, I was falling in love, and I couldn't be a good friend anymore, because I couldn't think of her outside of the context of wishing there was something I could say or do to make her love me. It's devestating to be in that position. All I can say is, for me, I believe this is a protection mechanism from God to keep me out of the wrong relationship. I see it as His grace, so I don't end up with lots of baggage and broken relationships along the line.

I've only ever dated two girls. The second one was the "friend". I have WANTED to date lots of girls, and several times have made my intentions clear, but it seems to blow up. God's been teaching me to trust Him by showing me what I want to have, but not quite letting me have it. Is he being cruel and vendictive? NO!

I hate to use this metaphore, but it seems applicable. It's like He's training me like a puppy. Telling me to sit and stay... STAY.... stay... Trusting that there will be a treat.

My inclination, as the puppy, is to get excited and believe that after I have stayed this one time, there will be endless treats from now on since I obeyed once... but that wasn't it, nor was it the point. The point was to learn to listen for his direction. Frankly, the treat should be irrelevant.
I think ultimately, He's got a "bowl of food" planned for me... not that I'm starving, although my proverbial tummy is growling... He's using this time and this natural inclination in me to make me into the man I should be - the one who implicitly trusts the master, and because of that, listens and obeys in all circumstances. That's who I want to be! And I pray for it regularly God is good. Be encouraged, man. Sooner or later, guys like us are thrown a bone too

 

[polarguyinak]

Grrr. Sorry to keep on about it, but I finally read through all of this thread. Got some issues with what some people say... and kudos for others..
Ariannaa, I never thought about it that way, and I will have to consider that perspective more. As far as being hte stereotypical gentleman and chivalry and all that, some of us (including myself) were instilled with those values. Many are slaves to social conditioning, but there are still some old-fashiond, but no necessarily OLD gilrs out there who are waiting (like a flower on the sideline waiting to be picked) for a knight to come along. God knows this and is the perfect match-maker.

Above all though, DO NOT worry or be anxious about ANYTHING, but through prayer and petition, submt your requests to God. He'll give you peace about it. And if he takes cares of the animals and clothes the rest of creation in the splendor He does, how much more will He provide for you. Trust, bro. It's all about learning trust. Forget the treat for the moment It will come. Focus on trust now. I'll try to do the same. I'll be praying for you - pray foe me too!

 

[Taelin]

I must admit, I opened this topic because I was feeling rather frustrated. Meri all I can say is be true to yourself.

Polar - From a girl point of view I can really relate to a lot that you're saying.. Especially becoming too good a friend and then there's no hope for something more because it normally backfire! But some girls like (like me) prefer the old fashioned type, and they're not easily found! So I'll be praying and stay the way you are.

 

[Taz81]

Well, my 2 cents....

I have a really good friend who is a guy, and he is single too - him and I are probably too much alike to work as a couple and he's always said that I'm like a sister to him, but nevertheless - I would LOVE it if he showed me just a smidgen of attention like buying me flowers if I was having a hard time, or treating me to a coffee once in a while - I mean, my girlfriends and I will pay for each others coffee without even making an issue of it, and so I don't see why it should be different between male-female friends, its the same as a guy buying a beer for his best bud, I would have no qualms about paying for his coffee on the occasion either, but as a female maybe that sort of generosity is more natural? My male friend is so male though - he really has no idea what women want (lol - do any of you?) or how we think, and I just wish sometimes he'd use his initiative and invite me out to dinner for a catch up etc instead of waiting for me to always organise a group get-together, I don't even mind paying for myself! It is the intention and attention, not so much the free food I hope that makes some sort of sense!

I don't have a guy in my life to make me feel special with those little things - I love chivalry and though I am not a pushover, I think it shows a lot of character when a man is genuine enough to make that extra effort. Its a different story I think between male-female friends who HAVE partners, but for the singletons out there - why don't we make our opposite sex friends feel special once in a while? We miss out on Valentines Day, Anniversaries, "date nights" etc (and I'm only using these as examples, not to start discussions on celebrating these things with non-romantic relationships etc).

I think I understand your frustration Meridoc, I too often am always "the friend" and nothing more and it sucks... so I applaud you for making an effort to make the women you do have in your life feel special. As long as you aren't overstepping the boundaries of 'boyfriend responsibilty' (and IMO, I don't think flowers or dinner occasionally are overstepping - if done with no hidden agendas!) then I see no problems.

If only there were more men like you

Blessings

 

[kiwi_OT]

I think Im on the wrong continent for finding a good man... lol. you sound absolutely lovely Meridoc and I am astonished why you are not spoken for? Women here in NZ are always whinging for a man like you, as our country promotes "the MANS man." A beer swigging, hairy rugby playing, swearing, anti grooming kind of bloke. Though im not adverse to athletic or masculine men, I really have trouble finding a sensitive mr fix it type of guy
Personally, Im pretty independent, so I wouldnt like the paying for everything all the time - but if you do it out of the blue or in a nice surprising way then by all means go ahead.
I hate to say this but I think a lot of women go for 'bad boys' because their unpredictable, adventurous and tend to do things that make our heart rate go up - BUT they do it it through unsavoury, shortwinded and selfish reasons. In order to get out of that 'friend' zone you need to do the above 3 things but in a respectable and healthy way that wont negatively push boundaries.
It is not impossible.
I had a boyfriend once who like you was also a 'gift giver,' he made me do this 'Amazing race/Scavenger hunt' thing around our town where I had to do things like make a random stranger laugh at one of my jokes, do push ups around a park, follow a treasure map etc - and I got a gorgeous set of earrings out of it. It wasnt a special day, he just decided to do it.

I say to you, If you do this on a 2nd date or something like that - you'll have her swooning

 

[Taz81]

I think Im on the wrong continent for finding a good man... lol. you sound absolutely lovely Meridoc and I am astonished why you are not spoken for? Women here in NZ are always whinging for a man like you, as our country promotes "the MANS man." A beer swigging, hairy rugby playing, swearing, anti grooming kind of bloke. Though im not adverse to athletic or masculine men, I really have trouble finding a sensitive mr fix it type of guy

Same here neighbour... lol, while I generally love Aussie guys, I'm thinking of switching continents too LOL

 

[grace]

I think LOTS can emphatize with your frustration Meridoc.

BUT....I know most think this is a thing that happens to guys....it happens to women too.

AND...women get more emotionally involved deeper and quicker than guys (as a general rule)...so when we develop feelings for a guy...and then it turns out that as AMAZING as they think we are...we are just a friend to them...UGH...it is tough to change focus so that you can keep this person you adore as a friend.

Make sense..?

Bottom line.....if we are submitting EVERYTHING to God, and NOT telling Him how it is going to be (IE: I will date someone like this...or like that etc)...Be open and God will lead. He knows what you find appealing...and He even knows what you find appealing that you don't even know about yet LOL
For example: I dated a guy once that all my friends were soooooo surprised by ...BUT..he was everything I was looking for in a package that I never expected. Soooo...guys (and girls)...what you are looking for may be stareing you right in the face and you are just not seeing it

It can be frustrating. God prunes us as the Gardener,and molds us as the Potter at just the right time so that we can accept the blessings He has for us. (and He is doing that in our future signifigant others as well....because they should be sumitting ALL to the Lord too.)

 

[Meridoc]

I think Im on the wrong continent for finding a good man... lol. you sound absolutely lovely Meridoc and I am astonished why you are not spoken for?

*blushes* thank you for your lovely comment

 

[ChristopherMichael]

but personally, as a girl.. i like men bc theyre MANLY. i want a masculine man. if he is just like me he is not attractive, of course he'd be just like a friend bc hes just like a girlfriend

^THIS.

Meridoc, JC, I used to be in the same boat with you guys, and still struggle with the friend zone bit sometimes. Ariana is spot on when she says that girls (at least the girls that you want, it sounds like) go for manly guys who aren't just like them. In a similar vein, I wouldn't date a girl who was just like one of my guy friends. It's be wierd.

What I finally figured out was that I had to look at the guys who wind up getting the girls I have crushes on. You figure out what they're doing that you're not, and start doing it. (Don't compromise your integrity or your morals, of course!) It works man!

Some people out there say "You should't change yourself!" or "You should like who you are!". Well, if you don't like who you are, or aren't happy where you're at, they by all means make a few adjustments to get yourself there.

Good luck bro!
- Topher

 

[faith79]

I might avoid you as a friend if you started sending me flowers and paying for my meals. That's a boyfriends job. Don't blur the lines.

I have a guy friend who, every once in awhile, will pay for my coffee if we're out with friends. But that's only on occation and it's only coffee. If he bought me flowers for something, even my birthday, I don't think I'd feel comfortable with it.

As far as girls just seeing you as a friend. Are they Christian girls? If they're not, it might be because they don't get the vibe that you see them as a piece of meat so they feel more comfortable and able to have a friendship with you than other guys. Even though they won't admit it, most worldly guys see women that way. If they are Christian girls then what they should really be seeing you as is a brother in Christ. The bible says to consider everyone a brother or sister in Christ. Would you date your sibling? No.

Basically, wait on God to bring someone to you. Stop trying so hard to find someone on your own. We can't do ANYTHING without God, and that includes finding a mate. Who's better equipt to find you a mate? You or God?

I second that! all of that!

 

[J0Y]

Hmm,very interesting thread!

You are right ... stay true to yourself! I think its great that you like shopping for clothes cos I hate it!! hahaha. I also know plenty of guys who are not in the least bit less of a male for liking chick flicks! I actually think there are more of them out there if only they admitted to it!! :O

Im with Stephanie on some of her points...there has to be a distinction between how you would treat your 'girl' friends and how you would treat your 'girlfriend.' You sound like a genuine nice guy who is kind, caring, generous and considerate of all his friends, male or female! Those are fantastic qualities....and seoulsearch is interested after all ;-) hahahaha.......

All this being said, I think what it comes back to is; instead of analysing things and wondering if you will find love...focus on the lover of your soul - Jesus. Not an easy task at your (our) age cos I know I feel a bit of a misfit in a society where people in their 30s are well and truly married and reproducing! BUT, take heart, God knows the desires of your heart and as you place him as the main focus of your life he will bless you and lead you down an awesome path for your life!

So be encouraged....and trust Jesus to bring along a woman who will love you and appreciate you for who you are.

 

[J0Y]

I think Im on the wrong continent for finding a good man... lol.

HAHAHAHAHA thats great!!!!! LOL, single Kiwi gals unite!!! There is honestly only 1 guy in my church who is within my age bracket and single.....and no, sadly he is not my type!!!

BUT....im movin to the city next year....lol.....watch this space maybe??? LOL

 

[J0Y]

oh, and at the risk of mass posting on this thread.....
I am also a female who is a 'good friend' to guys...so it does very much happen in reverse!! Frustrating?? Ohh yes!
Old fashioned gentlemanly manners a no no for me? NO! I think its cool
Ok, nuf said by me I think!!! LOL.....sorry!

 

[kiwi_OT]

I feel the need to vent.

There are so many times I am frustrated by who I am. This is not to say that I dislike who I am, indeed it is the complete opposite in fact. The frustration comes from people's(even friends) inability to understand me. The first major frustration is the fact that no one seems to believe me when I tell them something about myself. This does not happen for everything, but I have many an instance where someone(even a friend) is shocked by something I do or say and all I feel like saying is "DUH!!", I told you that's how I am. This especially happens with women and I have lost female friends over this stuff. Now you are probably thinking I am talking about negative behaviour, but I am talking about something as simple as paying for dinner or buying flowers for a friend that is down. In most cases I have finally stopped putting my name on the card with the flowers and have them delivered. The truth is I don't even want the recognition for it, its just something I enjoy doing. The second thing that drives me nuts is the looks or comments I get just because I like, enjoy, think or even do certain things. There are to many examples to get into, but I will share a couple. One I enjoy clothes shopping with my sisters and my female friends, my guy friends often either say something stupid or just shake their heads when they hear that. I love chick flicks, I get massive amounts of flack for that. The last frustration I will share at this time is just something I don't understand and others around me either don't understand either or are not willing or interested to explain it to me. For whatever reason there is something about who I am that leads women be interested in me but then not want to date me. They don't want to jeopardize our friendship, cause for some reason I am too valuable as a friend, or something. The only people I have gone out with were people I didn't become friends with first. I don't know if anyone feels like I do, but I have come to the conclusion either I am an alien or some sort of third gender. Because all I can say is I don't fit into the existing male OR female categories very well.

Lol, this is exactly why you are awesome. I read this again and I think - I am a lucky girl..

 

[Meridoc]

Lol, this is exactly why you are awesome. I read this again and I think - I am a lucky girl..

awww you are soo sweet! I think I am the lucky one!

 

[NoTearsShed]

I know this is out of subject but oh my gosh that kitty picture that is your avatar is soooooooooooooo cute *-* sorry just had to say that.
*big hugs* Thats so sweet of you to send flowers, You know what if you like chick flicks thats you =) If they dont like you for who you are then to the roses thorns with them. Maybe its a leason for you to learn or maybe its because they arnt worth it or maybe because God already has someone for you =D who will appreciate you for who you are.

I dont know why but i get the feeling that you really are a good guy friend & girls who dont want to date you because they dont want to ruin their friend ship with you might be because you really are a good guy friend & if you break up they will lose you or maybe because they are to attached to you as in a only friendship way since you like sending flowers which is a good thing for most woman makes us feel speciall if they really are sent with love which is what you do =D Paying for dinner in my opinion is not right, i mean yes every now & then but also the woman should pay every now & then too or you can both go half & half. Its not fair how women think that men should always pay for dinner, I find that in the gold digger catagory,
& the watching chick flicks is also a good your a good best guy friend maybe thats how some of them see you as... but dont feel so down because God listens & you can ask him to help you meet that one woman that he choose for you to be with the rest of you life soon =)

Ps. You know those woman do not know what they are missing out on but its okay because God can give you someone who will love you for who you are & not give you dirty looks or say you are to good of friends to have a relationship.