Getting over your ex...

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ServantStrike

Guest
#21
#21
Spend time with friends and family, at church, doing activities you enjoy.

Allow yourself time to process what happened so you can learn from the experience, but don't dwell on it endlessly or you'll end up in paralysis by analysis mode. If you haven't already, then get rid of any pictures, love letters etc from the ex in question. They will be baggage that you don't need. If you had a special song together, you may have to stop listening to it for a few months.

Basically do what you need to to grow and to heal, and then move on, or you'll be rubbing salt in the wound.
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#22
#22
Yeah, I've been through a thing like that - it's awful hard. I found a little bit of solace in my poetry and maybe you will too. I wrote this little number I called "I miss her sometimes".

It goes like this:

I ran into my old girlfriend
in the street yesterday.

Then I backed up and ran into her again.




I miss her sometimes.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#23
Apr 18, 2013
9,526
2,608
113
#23
Whenever you start missing your ex, just call her up and talk to her.

That should cure you.

: )
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#24
#24
maxwel said:
Whenever you start missing your ex, just call her up and talk to her.

That should cure you.

: )
Click to expand...
I guess some people enjoy pain...

[video=youtube;4539G-5yUgg]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4539G-5yUgg[/video]
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#25
Jun 30, 2015
25,404
13,747
113
#25
Breaking up is no fun; my condolences to the OP and all who have experienced it. My thoughts below look like a lecture; sorry, methinks I think too much.... :)

The general gist of the responses so far has been, "Distract yourself with other things." Even reading the Word and praying can be mere distractions, though they are the most likely to be genuinely helpful. There is nothing inherently wrong with distractions, and they are certainly part of the healing process, but not all. Distractions in the form of new relationships might be more of a problem....

It has been over two years since my marriage ended; the divorce is imminent, and it wasn't my choice. In that time I have sought the Lord's input for what I did wrong, and have had to acknowledge more than a little of it. I have spent time thinking through the things my ex did which I found hurtful, and have had to forgive her and myself for all the wrongdoing. I also worked through (with some professional help) some patterns in my life which led to the breakup, and which I don't want repeated.

Some suggestions for processing a breakup, in no particular order:
- thank God for the experiences, good and bad
- forgive the other person completely, from your heart
- ask God to show you any of your own wrongdoing (you may be innocent, but let God be the judge)
- deal with anything He shows you... repentance, restitution, etc.
- acknowledge the hurt and loss, and ask Him to heal you (maybe ask Him to reveal what you can't feel)
- renew your relationship with Him, and allow Him to fill the empty spaces your ex would have filled
- trust Him to work out your healing in His time
- seek healthy interaction with friends and family, maybe with same gender first depending on the degree of hurt
- submit your romantic future into God's hands and don't be in a hurry for the next relationship

The point of all that is to get healthy so that you can move on... kind of like recovering after a badly-broken leg. Even with the cast off, there might be some physiotherapy before you can start running again. In my case, I want to be healthy in myself so that I can be a blessing to others generally, and maybe someday, to a special someone else.
 
C

CarolSampaio

Guest
#26
#26
maxwel said:
Whenever you start missing your ex, just call her up and talk to her.

That should cure you.

: )
Click to expand...
What a great idea.............................. NOT!!!!!
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#27
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#27
maxwel said:
Whenever you start missing your ex, just call her up and talk to her.

That should cure you.

: )
Click to expand...
That awkward moment when you're not allowed to talk to an ex...
 
C

CarolSampaio

Guest
#28
#28
jsr1221 said:
That awkward moment when you're not allowed to talk to an ex...
Click to expand...
You are allowed... it's just not thr best of ideas... :) unless you're both totally over each other... then whatever! Hehehehhe
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#29
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#29
CarolSampaio said:
You are allowed... it's just not thr best of ideas... :) unless you're both totally over each other... then whatever! Hehehehhe
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Ohh no. There are times in which you are not allowed to speak to someone.. Ever again. I really don't want to say more.
 
C

CarolSampaio

Guest
#30
#30
jsr1221 said:
Ohh no. There are times in which you are not allowed to speak to someone.. Ever again. I really don't want to say more.
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Ooops... sorry! :) if you're not allowed, then you're not!!!

I kinda never had problems talking to ex-boyfriends... if they can talk to me with civility, I have no problem with it... even my ex-husband... I have no problems with him, and wish him all the best in the world...

The problem to me is when there are unresolved feelings... then out of care for yourself or the other person, it's best to cut all ties... :)
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#31
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#31
CarolSampaio said:
Ooops... sorry! :) if you're not allowed, then you're not!!!

I kinda never had problems talking to ex-boyfriends... if they can talk to me with civility, I have no problem with it... even my ex-husband... I have no problems with him, and wish him all the best in the world...

The problem to me is when there are unresolved feelings... then out of care for yourself or the other person, it's best to cut all ties... :)
Click to expand...
It bothers me when there's a falling out, and the girl (or in your case, it can be the guy) refuses to give you any closure. If you ever really cared about the person, I would like to think you'd at least give him (or her) that closure. So you can both move on.. Do to others as you would have done to you.. Too many don't, though.
 
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CarolSampaio

Guest
#32
#32
jsr1221 said:
It bothers me when there's a falling out, and the girl (or in your case, it can be the guy) refuses to give you any closure. If you ever really cared about the person, I would like to think you'd at least give him (or her) that closure. So you can both move on.. Do to others as you would have done to you.. Too many don't, though.
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Yeah... Unfortunately too many people do not have the care with the feelings of others that they wish upon their own feelings... that is sad and selfish... no one has the right to hold another's feelings hostage for the sake of pride and ego, and many do that... :(

I had that happen to me... and it was awful... but the only moment I could truely say that I was free, was the moment I could heartly forgive him, and wish the best upon him... and that is liberating!! :)

Not easy, and sometimes it physically hurts... but to me it's what works!
 
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ServantStrike

Guest
#33
#33
jsr1221 said:
It bothers me when there's a falling out, and the girl (or in your case, it can be the guy) refuses to give you any closure. If you ever really cared about the person, I would like to think you'd at least give him (or her) that closure. So you can both move on.. Do to others as you would have done to you.. Too many don't, though.
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Some people are incapable. Literally incapable. Some people lack the emotional fortitude to analyze what went wrong in a relationship and discuss it with the other party in a rational manner. For those people "just because" is the closest thing to closure you're ever going to get.

Think of it like visiting the scene of a horrific accident and trying to piece together what happened. Not everyone can do that. Some people can distance themselves from the situation just enough to do the job, while others faint, and still others will be violently sick.

And then of course some people are too selfish to give others closure, but selfishness also demonstrates a distinct lack of emotional maturity that would go hand in hand with being incapable wouldn't it? When you find yourself in that situation, be glad it ended, because you dodged a rather large bullet.
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#34
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#34
In my experience, if you still have any feelings for the person, it's best to completely cut ties and let your heart wounds heal. As someone (poet mary?) said when they come to mind, pray for them and let them go. It's just better.

I've tried to keep a friendship with a man I loved when he ended it. Well, HE decided we should be friends, and I tried. Unfortunately, any contact just wounded me again, and again. Finally, I had to let go of the idea of the friendship, and tell him (closure), and fairly quickly the wound closed and healed. Once the hope truly died, my heart healed.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#35
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#35
CarolSampaio said:
Yeah... Unfortunately too many people do not have the care with the feelings of others that they wish upon their own feelings... that is sad and selfish... no one has the right to hold another's feelings hostage for the sake of pride and ego, and many do that... :(

I had that happen to me... and it was awful... but the only moment I could truely say that I was free, was the moment I could heartly forgive him, and wish the best upon him... and that is liberating!! :)

Not easy, and sometimes it physically hurts... but to me it's what works!
Click to expand...
Yeah, it's interesting when it involves two believers, and one goes the rest of life without any closure.. Obviously both get to Heaven, so that stays on Earth. I'm kinda curious how that conversation will go in Heaven. "Hey, I didn't think I'd see you here.. I'm sorry for how I treated you on Earth." Little comedy behind that comment, obviously, but I think you get what I'm trying to say. I don't think a lot of us think about it that way, if that makes sense. We think of the moment, and closing off, when God is about love and showing truth and honesty to one another.
 
J

JeniBean

Guest
#36
#36
My last serious relationship was extremely hard when it ended because we were close friends before and during the 4 year relationship became the best of friends. The pain I feel will always be there. It's not necessarily regret, as I do not regret the relationship. I have regrets for him, as he lost his way and turned from GOD and became addicted. The Devil will try to take the new Christians. I tried for over a year to help and I finally had to see what GOD was saying to me which was to let him go, I am trying to protect you. It was the hardest thing emotionally I have had to face. Sadly my friends and family were not helpful with the stages of grief. It was mostly the "I told you so" and "when are you going to learn to date a Christian only, they only act like they come to GOD for you." Regardless a break up is a loss. All Losses require you to grieve. In my case the grief of not only some one I deeply loved, but also my best friend has been a long path. I first did thank God for protecting me from the path my ex was leading. I then asked GOD to lead me and guide me in over coming the grief. Because at the time I had tremendous grief at a loss of 2 family members and a friend, among other things and the one person I wanted to turn to I knew I couldn't. I surrounded my self with family, kept busy, I wrote myself a letter that no matter how much I loved him, I couldn't go back to him and I listed all the reasons why. I kept the letter in a place to pull out any time I had the urge to contact him. I still have this letter, as there are days that the urge will strike. I packed everything up that reminded me of him/us in a box and shoved it in the attic. It is sealed and some day, it will be totally forgotten and then thrown out. I deleted him from my life. I learned a long time ago that you can't regret a relationship...instead you LEARN from it. God gives us many lessons every day...we simply have to learn from them and better ourselves. I know this is a hard time for you and I will pray for you to find your peace, learn from the relationship, thank God for the lesson and move on. God Bless!
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#37
#37
jsr1221 said:
Yeah, it's interesting when it involves two believers, and one goes the rest of life without any closure.. Obviously both get to Heaven, so that stays on Earth. I'm kinda curious how that conversation will go in Heaven. "Hey, I didn't think I'd see you here.. I'm sorry for how I treated you on Earth." Little comedy behind that comment, obviously, but I think you get what I'm trying to say. I don't think a lot of us think about it that way, if that makes sense. We think of the moment, and closing off, when God is about love and showing truth and honesty to one another.
Click to expand...
And sometimes closing off is showing someone love. If you don't think it's going to work, why string them along?

Some people are terrible at communicating their emotions, the best they can do is shut down.
 
C

chancer

Guest
#38
#38
Feelings and emotions take time, but they do eventually heal. Even when you make the decision to break up, when we open ourselves up into a relationship there's a connection that happens. That's why it's important not to rush into anything. I believe it's important to cease contact, and to get rid of anything which reminds you of the relationship. Only when you truly decide to do this, can you move on fully - and even then it takes time.

The danger is that in our pain we rush into another relationship for the wrong reasons. This can cause us to have the same problems all over again. The problem is feelings and emotions can have a powerful affect within us, making us believe that we can't cope - and yet we can choose to do anything we set our minds to.

Of course in this we have to turn to Jesus, because He is our healer. He will bring us through any level of pain we experience.
 
G

Galahad

Guest
#39
#39
JeniBean said:
My last serious relationship was extremely hard when it ended because we were close friends before and during the 4 year relationship became the best of friends. The pain I feel will always be there. It's not necessarily regret, as I do not regret the relationship. I have regrets for him, as he lost his way and turned from GOD and became addicted. The Devil will try to take the new Christians. I tried for over a year to help and I finally had to see what GOD was saying to me which was to let him go, I am trying to protect you. It was the hardest thing emotionally I have had to face. Sadly my friends and family were not helpful with the stages of grief. It was mostly the "I told you so" and "when are you going to learn to date a Christian only, they only act like they come to GOD for you." Regardless a break up is a loss. All Losses require you to grieve. In my case the grief of not only some one I deeply loved, but also my best friend has been a long path. I first did thank God for protecting me from the path my ex was leading. I then asked GOD to lead me and guide me in over coming the grief. Because at the time I had tremendous grief at a loss of 2 family members and a friend, among other things and the one person I wanted to turn to I knew I couldn't. I surrounded my self with family, kept busy, I wrote myself a letter that no matter how much I loved him, I couldn't go back to him and I listed all the reasons why. I kept the letter in a place to pull out any time I had the urge to contact him. I still have this letter, as there are days that the urge will strike. I packed everything up that reminded me of him/us in a box and shoved it in the attic. It is sealed and some day, it will be totally forgotten and then thrown out. I deleted him from my life. I learned a long time ago that you can't regret a relationship...instead you LEARN from it. God gives us many lessons every day...we simply have to learn from them and better ourselves. I know this is a hard time for you and I will pray for you to find your peace, learn from the relationship, thank God for the lesson and move on. God Bless!
Click to expand...

Jenibean, that's sad. It is. I hear love and care in your words. Don't throw that letter away. Keep it. Always. My feelings about the matter.

So many hurtful parts or times revealed in your writing.

Do you know if he's still on drugs or how he's doing? That would be the hard part for me. Not knowing. You can't go find out. Not good. Just thought maybe you heard how he is.

He chose sin and evil. After you tried to help, you had to leave. That whole situation...

Okay. I don't know, but your post just hit me. Your post will do much good.
 
jamie26301

jamie26301

Senior Member
#40
May 14, 2011
1,154
10
38
39
#40
jsr1221 said:
Yeah, it's interesting when it involves two believers, and one goes the rest of life without any closure.. Obviously both get to Heaven, so that stays on Earth. I'm kinda curious how that conversation will go in Heaven. "Hey, I didn't think I'd see you here.. I'm sorry for how I treated you on Earth." Little comedy behind that comment, obviously, but I think you get what I'm trying to say. I don't think a lot of us think about it that way, if that makes sense. We think of the moment, and closing off, when God is about love and showing truth and honesty to one another.
Click to expand...

I totally, totally empathize. There was a dude I cared about that gave no closure. Even hinted in his last pm to me that he would be there to help me. I tried contacting him a few times, at long intervals. No response.

I got to the point where I thought "If I'm going to get through life, and be happy and content with where God takes me, I have to learn not to rely on others (in)actions for validation of this or that." And that's what this is - a validation, confirmation that it's FINALLY over.

I am far from mastering this, mind you, but the first step is understanding that someone's insensitivities doesn't control you - you control you. Discover/develop your own identify and place in life, by yourself, alone. You lay the foundation of fortitude without someone (and with God) then if someone leaves, you still have that foundation you laid to build on again.

Blessings.
 
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